Sunday blues

I finished everything food wise, yesterday. Today, I worked some more on the kitchen clean up. I took stuff out, and cleaned the floor, cabinets and microwave.
Things got boxed, and bookcases got moved out. There is room to move a bit now.
I feel better, although it still comes with mixed feelings because the stuff I threw out or stored belonged to both of us and our 34 years of being together.
My wife could never throw anything out. There are coupons from years ago. I found a whole can of Lipton tea mix that has never been opened. It expired back in 2006! I didn't see it although it was one of those huge cans because it was hidden behind some piles of recipes taken out of the newspaper. They were hiding it so well.
The floor had dust bunnies that were huge. I found leftover food, dog food chunks, paper, lids, you name it.
I feel better knowing that the floor has been cleaned. The old stuff has been cleaned and taken out so I can now move through the kitchen again.
I still have to go under the counter and I'm not looking forward to crawling around on the floor to reach whatever is hiding down there.
I accomplished a lot today and would not have been able to do it two years ago.
I also went over to Chuck E. Cheese to see my grandkids playing. I hate that place. It's so loud.
I managed a trip to Home Depot too and bought rain gutter covers to keep debris out. I will climb the ladder carefully, and install them in the next day or so. If i go to see my wife tonight instead, I'll do it tomorrow.
I will have to cut the grass tomorrow no matter what. The rain has just slowed down and hopefully is finished. The grass is growing like crazy. I need lots of energy.
I want to play my guitar, but my heart is still broken and I am still stuck. I now understand why musicians and artists need a benefactor. Someone who pays their keep so they are free to work on the music or art. It's the only way I think. Otherwise, I would spend the rest of my life just keeping up with all the stuff that needs to be done.
Oh, and I'm lonely. There are whole days that go by now that I don't speak to anyone in person. that's strange.

Carried away

OK, so yesterday I wrote that I wanted to save money by fixing meals and freezing them. I wanted to make it easy to eat so I didn't have to worry about portions and cheating because I didn't have something ready when I needed it.
So, I made some more chili today. I call it chili, but it really is just a combination of foods that I need in proportion so that I can portion it out quickly.
Today's "chili" got carried away. Or should I say, I got carried away.
I have been buying 2 pound containers of ground beef from the local market because 1 pound just isn't enough for the amount of chili I make.
I also thawed out 4 large hot Italian sausage links. I cut the skins off the links and break the insides into small blobs. They aren't balls because I don't round them off.
I drop them into hot water and boil it down until they are tender and well cooked. I also add seasoning as I see fit.
I like my chili hot, so I cut up two very nice Jalapeno peppers and added them to the ground beef while cooking.
I used chicken broth to cook the beans. I also added spices to the bean mixture.
Now this time, I used two bags of beans. The red kidney beans were joined by some black eyed peas (I got a feelin...).
So, I added 8 cans of tomatoes, and all my other stuff.
And, I realized I had too much to fit into the huge crock pot I have.
Ooops.
So, did I have enough energy and goop to make two batches?
Yes to both questions.
I brought out a Stock pot, and used up the rest of my canned tomatoes, and made a second batch.
One batch was the ground beef, and the other was the sausage.
Now my chili is made with WLS in mind. It is very heavy in protein. It has no artificial stuff in it. No sugar, except what comes in the tomatoes. I add salt and other flavorings, but they are all approved for my diet.
If I eat it every day, I am still OK. If a normal person ate it, their arteries would probably harden and they would die within a week. Not really, but who wants to take a chance?
So, I finished up my two batches and since I already had 6 quarts stored from last weeks batch, I ran out of containers.
Oooopppps, or did I say that already?
I headed out to the grocery store and picked up 10 new containers.
So now, I have 16 quarts of four different kinds of chili to eat for the next few months or so. I don't have them marked, but I know which is which and since I made them in order to save time and money, I'll eat them. Even if they aren't the greatest, I will still eat them.
And, as soon as this current situation is over, I will go back to losing the rest of the weight that I promised myself I would.
In the meantime, I'm happy.

Cheap Lee

I've been working on ideas since my wife has been sick. Since I am here alone and she won't be coming home, I have begun to collect and throw and clean stuff out.
Tonight, I gathered up all the bags of seasonings for soups, salads, goulash, etc. and threw them out. Some of them walked to the trash themselves.
If you look at the seasoning mixes, you will find 2 or 3 main ingredients.

• Sugar
• Salt
• MSG

I have been eating a lot of steamer pre-cooked meals. Most of them are pretty healthy, although not as healthy as if I had made it from scratch. Most of them also have pasta of some sort.
Mostly all pre-made meals in the supermarket have pasta in them.
Since I am not supposed to be eating pasta, I have to stop using them.
I ate them because of ease of preparation since I've been very stressed and tired from the situation.
Hence, my idea:
How about, I purchase a large quantity of gluten free pasta from the local SKH or maybe online?
How about, I prepare the pasta after planning a similar meal to the steamers in a much larger quantity?
How about I start storing them in the freezer in quart size containers so I can take them out a day or so ahead of time, and split them up into 3 meals?
I can have 3 different containers of food, and mix them so I am never bored!
Now the pasta is not cheap. It isn't the best tasting either. I don't know how it will work if it is frozen and thawed. I will have to experiment.
I was thinking that if I found a really good recipe, I could prep a whole pile of different meals and maybe store them so I wouldn't have to cook for a month or more.
This would save time and money for me and help me to maintain my weight.
My goal would be to see how long I could go between cooking sessions. The more i make, the more time between sessions.
Since the stuff is frozen, and will last a long time, I can still take a night off to eat outside the home now and then.
Gee, ain't I smart?

All about me, and what I am planning.

My thanks to Larraine for letting me know that someone is reading the blog.
I am very self centered right now. It's all about me and will continue to be until I lose my wife. I'm sorry if someone is not being helped by me. I only have so much emotional energy.
I have fallen back into my old habits and am fighting to overcome that.
I have gained a few pounds, but have stayed with my diet for the most part.
Now, after seeing a counselor and getting ready for something other than related to my wife's situation, I feel as if I'm making progress again.
I am trying to organize myself so I don't feel so overwhelmed.
I feel as if I have way to much to accomplish. Here's a list of some of the things I am working to finish.

• I have a Honda helix that died. I haven't bothered to take it apart to find out what is wrong. It may be something simple, but I no longer trust it to take it on a long hard ride. I would like to replace it with a bigger bike. I miss the freedom of the open road.
• I have a ton of stuff on the porch that I want to get rid of. I have a couch that fell apart and it isn't something that I would feel good about selling it or even giving it away. I want the whole porch cleaned up. It looks terrible.
• The house has been divided into rooms. I made a series of cards. When I get time and don't know where to start, I can go to the cards and pick one to work on. This helps.
• The yard is a mess. I cut the grass and am starting to make progress with the trimming. I have several circle gardens that need to be cleaned out, but I don't have the time for them yet. I will get them done. I have toyed with the idea of paying someone to do the work, but don't really want to spend the money.
• I have been trying to find the time to play my guitar. I have picked it up a few times this past week, and plan to do more very soon. But, I need lots more guitar, and lots less other stuff.
• Finances are scary here as they are many other places. I've never been good at money matters. Advice is futile to paraphrase the Borg. I need someone who knows how to work the system. I have money coming in soon, and I know it could work for me. But, I don't know how to talk to it.
  
• Routine maintenance. The cars both need work. The garage door needs to be fixed. The driveway needs to be redone. The sidewalk is sinking and it's way too high to get into the house. The bathroom and kitchen need to be replaced and updated. The whole house needs to be repainted. Other than that, I have a whole 40 foot container worth of stuff to get rid of.

The neat thing, is that I'm actually making progress. I really am. The main problem is between my ears. My brain is working overtime and it wants me to do everything now! I mean NOW! It's not happy to see things moving along steadily.
One of the things I learned about ADD is that there are two ways to do anything:

1. Follow a pattern and do things in order.
2. Just work where you are and keep plugging away.

For example: When I get to the end of a row on my lawn, I can turn around and go back the way I came (1. above), or, I can keep going around the corner and finish the next part since I'm already there (2.).
I've found that I still finish the lawn no matter which way I do it. However, with the second way, I draw a crowd. Everyone is taking bets on which way I'll go next.
I can do the same thing in the house.
I start in the living room, and take something to the basement where it belongs. Since I'm in the basement, I see something that has to be done there, and I do it. Then, I go upstairs and start something there.
It's really hard for me to stay in one room, or one place for the whole time I'm supposed to be there. So, I have been trying to do just that. It is harder for me mentally, because I have to concentrate, and consequently, I get worn out faster.

These are all things that I am working on. With weight loss, it is probably better for me to keep moving no matter what I do. I shouldn't work on being efficient as opposed to just getting the job done.

Take a chance on me

How many habits are you carrying around with you?
How about you try something for yourself?
I did, and it continues to work for me.
How many times do you do something because you've always done it? Or, you had to do it that way because you were fat?
Try to think about everything you do a certain way everytime, and try to change it.
For example, I put my shoes on a certain way everytime because I would get cramps and not be able to lift my leg for that long. Now, I can, so I put my shoes on a different way.
Did you ever start walking as if you still had the weight on?
Try walking a little faster for a few minutes, and you'll probably be surprised at how fast you can go.

Not a long post

I haven't been able to do much with the blog. I have been setting up my new laptop and transferring stuff over from the old one.
My wife is sick now too. The stress is incredible.
I got an email from a Post support group friend asking me if I wanted to buy some protein powder that another friend had from a store that had gone out of business.
I took her up on that and will buy about 10 pounds of the stuff. I hope I can store it and use it.
That should be enough to last me through the summer and into fall.
She also missed me at the support group meetings. I am going to a therapist and getting plenty of support now.
I didn't get that after awhile at the support group as I've said in another post.
I may go back after all this is over, but I'm not sure I will have time.
I have some big plans now that I'm not fat anymore.
Life will be good again soon.

209

That's what I weighed yesterday.
I was all the way down to 202 at one point, but haven't been able to beat the 200 mark yet.
I will.
If you read me on Facebook, or this blog, you know that my wife is in the final stages of Breast cancer. She will die from the side effects of the cancer, not the disease itself. Maybe it was mishandled, maybe not. I am not going to worry about it.
One of the side effects of the cancer is that it is affecting me.
I didn't think about her cancer before. I always thought that she would outlive me, so it never crossed my mind.
Now I visit her and see her going downhill and wondering if it will come to me to have to pull the plug, or if she will die peacefully in her sleep. I hope that they don't try to keep her alive. She has a living will, and I hope that's enough.
I feel the overwhelming sadness as a pain in my chest, or more like an emptiness. It gives me a headache. I clench my teeth.
Then, I want to reach for food. For something sweet that I'm not allowed to have.
My weight gain proves that I have reached for that comfort food every now and again.

It's a tough battle that I will be able to weather, but it sure isn't fun.
I want to curse and scream and sometimes I do. The house is solid, so no noise comes out. I scream sometimes when I'm alone in the car.

But, I am thinner, and alive. I am healthy, and not taking any medications. I think that that is the best part. No meds!
Any pill you take has side effects. Any pill you take has side effects!
Whether it is aspirin, or darvon. They all have them.
Statins made my joints ache so badly, that I felt as if I was dying.
Now, I can go up and down the stairs to the basement without holding on to the railing.
I have had episodes of low blood pressure. That is a feeling that I was going to pass out. I have to hold on for a moment and then the feeling goes away. It's usually right after I stand up too quickly. I didn't have to worry about that before because I couldn't stand up quickly.

I am looking forward to getting rid of the pain I feel inside. It's there all the time. Even when I sleep. I wake up around 2am every morning, and have to lay there and wonder if I am doing the right thing. At 2 in the morning, nothing seems like the right thing.
I was going to go see my wife yesterday, and I lay down to rest and woke up an hour and a half later. Then, I went to see her.
It's as if she is drawing her strength from me, and not leaving me with anything. I am worn out. But, I will survive, even without the piece of my heart that belongs to her.
So, all of this has hit me right after my bariatric surgery. Two years at the end of July!
I was prepared for the long hard climb after the surgery.
I wasn't prepared for this.
Let's see how I do....

Fat is thin

I noticed that I have to ignore all the super size hype.
I found that it is very tough to ignore.
Yesterday, I had the honor of MCing East Petersburg's first car show. I am part of the east Petersburg Day committee and have been MC and a whole bunch of other things for years.
It is a very long day.
I don't have the energy to prepare food ahead of time, plus the weather/heat make it almost impossible to preserve the stuff.
So, I have to make do with what I find.
Protein comes first.
I had a nice lady come up to me and offer me free pretzel samples. I had to say no because I am supposed to be following a gluten free diet. I could smell them 10 feet away and they were wonderful! Sorry, can't have them.
I had to push all the great food they had for sale.
Chicken corn soup.
Burgers
Sausage
Fries! Fries! and more Fries!
Ice cream
You name it, they had it. The aromas caused my arteries to harden! Ain't it great?
So, I got a gallon jug of distilled water the night before. I added two tubs of Crystal Lite ice tea, shook and chilled overnight.
I bought an extra large decaf iced coffee with sweet and low.
I drank like a fish.
I had one small hamburger (yes, I ate the bun). It had nothing on it. They use local beef with no additives, so it wasn't too bad.
Later in the evening, I got a half cheese steak. They use Swiss cheese, and local chopped steak. I also ate the bun. I paid for a full cheese steak and let them keep the change because they are working for charity.
I got the hamburger for free.
I didn't eat any fries, and I didn't have anything else the whole day, until I got home. I had some of my beef stew mixture with lots of veggies since I didn't have anything but protein and bleached flour bread with my liquid.
I have planned on doing more with country fairs and such, so I really need to work on my diet for those times. If I only go once a month, there is no real problem. I can supplement my diet once I get home.
If I do it every weekend, however, I'm going to have to do some real planning. I can't eat like that all the time.
Total calories were low as was protein, but I didn't get much fiber, and I will pay for that.
I usually drop a teaspoon of Benefiber in all my meals. It disappears and adds the fiber I need as a celiac.
I took a cold shower when I got home and gradually added heat. Boy did that feel good. I had to go back last night for the teen dance, so I wore myself out pretty good. I would have been dead if I was still fat.
So, I got to the park at 8:30am, moved sound equipment onto the stage, helped set up, played music and did announcing all day. I got home around 5:00pm, took a shower, ate, and went back around 7:00pm. I set up my equipment and played music from 8:30pm until 10:00pm. I then packed everything up and took it all home where I unloaded the car and stayed up another hour to make sure everything was away, neat and clean.
I managed to get a nap this afternoon to try to catch up a bit, but I'm still tired. I'm heading to bed after this is finished.
It's finished.
Life is good!

What I will do

I have been so lonely for years now. I haven't been able to talk to my wife because of her illness and her strong dislike for me. I also don't fully trust her.
All that will come to an end soon. She is slipping away from this world.
Monday, the Doctor will tell her that things aren't working out and that she is going to be transferred to a long term care facility to live out her final days.
This has been a long time coming. I write about it in my private blog, not for public consumption, but for me to blow off steam and to organize my thoughts.

So now, it's up to just me. The tough thing here is that:

1. I have this voice going on in my head. I listen to it all the time. It is usually squelched by the activity of interacting with others, mainly my wife. But, for the past few months, I don't have that squelching. My friends have had their ears talked off. I will talk about anything in an effort to not feel that loneliness and to quiet the voice. The voice isn't telling me to go postal or anything. It is just telling me to indulge myself much more than I should. Moderation in everything. My voice tells me to eat something to feel better. I have to do that because there is nothing else to do. Therein lies one problem.
2. I have to remember everything because there is no one to help me remember. I forget things a lot because of just being me. I forget things because of the stress of watching my wife die. I have to double check things a lot, and I misplace things more than I did. I am not obsessive....yet.
   
3. I get stuck. This is a real problem. I get stuck. I had to force myself to leave the house twice this week, just to get out. Other wise, I would probably have stayed in and done nothing but eat. I am still eating healthy, but I am eating more than I should. I am also exercising less than I should.

So, the plan is to get unstuck. I have taken action to do this. I started seeing the therapist. This not only allows me to talk about my problems, it gives me a chance to talk to someone other than the kids on the bus, or the lady at the drive in window at the Dunkin Donuts. (still drinking decaf, although I long for the thrill of caffeine!).

I am researching music equipment for my future. Music was my life before I met my wife. I stopped for awhile when my Mom died, and was just starting back up when I met Donna. She thought music was supposed to be a hobby, and the purpose in life was to work at a job you didn't like until you died. She got her wish. I didn't.

Music will be my life again.

• I need to get a new set of speakers for my outfit. I sold the old set a few weeks ago in order to downsize. The old speakers weighed in at 56 pounds a piece. Believe me after an evening of playing music, 56 pounds is very heavy. Much heavier than when I came in. The new technology has allowed the same size speakers to weight at least 20 pounds less, and put out more sound.
• I ordered a USB turntable. This baby was on sale for a super low price. This is way under it's real value. It will allow me to transfer my old record albums over to the computer. There is now software that will eliminate the scratches from the records, and I have a large external hard drive that is mostly unused for storage. I only have about 200 albums, and will only transfer what I want, so when I am finished, I will probably sell the turntable (I still have a good analog turntable in storage if I want to listen) and make some of my investment back. I tend to keep things in pristine condition, so anything I sell will have great value to anyone who buys from me.
• I will be borrowing a set of powered speakers from my good friend to try out for next weekend to see if they are what I want or need. I always get the best bang for my buck because I am obsessed and possessed. I know what speakers I want, but these are cheaper and I want to see if they will do the job. They are good speakers, but maybe not for DJ work. I'll find out for sure.
• I am going to get a decent bag to carry my guitar. I have a hard shell case now, but it doesn't have any storage space. I thought it was a good deal, but I was wrong. I will sell it or trade it if I can.
• I need to stock up on strings for my guitar and I need to start playing enough to justify buying a dozen sets or so at a discount. String usually last for about 40 hours of playing, and if I do what I want, I will need to change sets every two weeks.
• I need to update cables for the system. I have everything set up for non powered speakers. The powered ones need different cables. It gets complicated. Believe me. This is part of the fun of the business.
  

I am starting to organize my thoughts and clearing out the physical clutter in the house.
Whenever I feel down, I just stop where I am in the house and start cleaning it out. My kitchen cabinets are loaded with junk that I don't or won't ever use. It's a blast to bag the stuff and give it away, or just throw it out.
I have to go out and start getting things to improve the house. I need simple inexpensive things such as gutter toppers so I won't have to climb up and clean them out every time it rains. I also need a simple baffle to slow the water down. I have copper flashing (is that what it's called?) that allows the water to flow right over the gutter. If I install baffles, this will channel the water into the gutters during a hard rain. It will block some of the debris, but I can clean that up easily.

I want to "read" up (pronounced "red") the house a bit. I need to paint, change the locks, patch some holes, clean the carpet, etc.
This week, I have a guy coming over to install a radon mitigation system. This will channel the radon out of the basement. I have always suspected there was radon. We tested when we first moved in and the numbers went off the scale. I never retested or did anything about it. All of my wife's family died from various forms of cancer, and I wonder if the radon didn't have anything to do with it. This will solve the problem. I don't have cancer right now, so I may be lucky. I hope my kids don't have it. I know we lost many of our pets to a form of cancer, so who knows.
Anyway, this will help with resale value also should I decide to or be forced to sell.
There are expensive things that need to be fixed also around the house. I have been trying to keep up with them over the years, but I got behind a bit.

• I need to get a garden faucet installed. I actually would like two of them. One for the driveway, and the other for the back yard.
• I need to do something with the porch. It had very nice screen panels, but they have long since disintegrated. This turns the porch into a breezeway. A lot of wind goes through, like a wind tunnel. It gets strong there.
• I need a new walkway, and a new driveway. The macadam is cracked all the way up, and pieces are missing. The walkway is sunken so it's tough to get into the house because it's so low.
• The bathroom and kitchen are both original. The old pink tiles are worn out and need to be replaced. The appliance are good, but I would like to add a dishwasher and a decent work area so I can cook more. I can live with what I have for now.
• Landscaping. My son started the work and left it in the middle. I need to get it finished. I can do some of it, but there are things I will have to ask for help.
  
• I have this amazingly beautiful king size water bed. It was handmade just for us, but it is way too big for the bedroom. I need to downsize to a queen. I no longer have the water bed mattress. I have a California king mattress that is worn out. Too many sunken spots from years of wear. It wasn't supposed to last this long. I want to replace it with an adjustable airbed. Lofty dreams!

I figure all of this will take a few years and cost at least $5000.00. I will save money by shopping around, and doing most of it myself. Oh, did I mention tools and fixing the garage door?
I could go on and on, but for now, it's time to stop writing and start doing something.

Stewed to do

I tried to make my chili today, but realized I didn't have any beans. I thought I had a case of black bean, which I love, but I only had one can.
What I did have was 2 pounds of stewing beef cubes, cubed mixed vegetables in a huge bag, and lots of left over stuff in the closet.
I set up my mixed meals so that every bite has some protein in it.
This time, I had a few cans of Chicken of the Sea crab meat that I added.
I also added lots of spices.
Let me tell you, it was and is good.
Maybe you don't like the mix, but I sure do. And, I'll have enough to last me about 6 weeks in addition to the chili I still have.
I have one quart containers that I can split into thirds. One meal a day that I don't have to prepare.

A walker's tale

A fellow firefighter who served as president of the fire company for a bunch of years, retired. He had been with the company for years, and still is.
I don't know what he does or did for a living, but he seems to be retired from that job too.
Every year during the Christmas holidays, he decorates his home with all the latest gadgets. His is one of those places that takes days to decorate and there is not any space anywhere on his home or the lawn, that doesn't have lights, or something.
He has regular older stuff, and then whatever he can find that is new and exciting. The LEDs are really colorful. he also has a slide show on his wall. Lots of Santas, and Manger scenes, etc.
He was a bit on the hefty side when I saw him a few years ago, and I didn't recognize him when he walked past my house about 6 months ago. He had lost weight by walking. He and his wife like to walk together. He has lost 75 pounds by walking around our thriving metropolis of 4000 residents. East Petersburg is split down the middle by Route 72, which runs North and South. This split has produced a different series of homes. Its as if the builders used the Manheim Pike as a dividing line between the Hatfields and McCoys, without the feuding part.
There are mostly one and two story brick ranchers on our side, and slightly larger and older brick homes on the other. We have very few new homes, and they have lots of them.
Our rancher has about 1100 square feet and that is the norm for our side. The other side gets bigger, even though they are also brick.
All this variety makes it fun to take new routes to see new or old homes.
So, back to our walker.
How could he lose 75 pounds by walking?
Well, the technical details are that he changed the way he ate. He eats better, and healthier. He exercises by walking. If you walk 4 miles a day without changing your diet, the experts say you can lose a pound a week. 2 miles a day will not split into a half pound a week because you just aren't getting enough walking in to make a difference, although you will still lose weight.
So, he designed a course through the Borough and he follows it, with certain variations for a change of scenery. I know he can't walk through all the different weather we have had, but he still lost the weight.
Taking a break for a few days won't hurt until you start walking again due to lack of the use of those muscles. It will take time to get back up to speed, but it can be done.
He walks quite fast and seems to enjoy that. When I walk, I do it at a pace that allows me to breathe. I found that I can go faster than I did, but I won't power walk because to me that is defeating the purpose of walking, just like Golf!
When you walk, the largest muscles in your body are helping the heart to pump the blood. This gives the heart a break until you start pushing things hard, and then the two sets of muscles work together to keep things working. You heart and leg muscles are a team for the time that you need them.
That is probably one reason why people have heart attacks when they suddenly stop after a long hard walk. The leg muscles stop helping the heart and it gets overwhelmed. So, I guess you should slow down before you stop so the heart has a chance to catch up.
Now, I get to talk once more about my wife's situation. She and I used to enjoy walking, but over the years, she has had trouble with her lung capacity. So, she has slowed down and eventually stopped walking altogether.
She didn't gain weight because she ate like a bird because of her stomach problems, and the fact that her spine had sagged a bit causing her body to hunch over and stop the food from getting to it's destination. She got "full" too fast because of that.
Now, you connect the air intake reduction with the increased amount needed to help the muscles in the legs and heart to operate at an increased rate, and there is the problem. The system breaks down.
So, my thought about all of this is that while she has been immobile in the hospital since February, her body has been deprived of everything it needs to keep going. Add the cancer, and not so perfect medical technology to the mix, and you have eventual death due to inactivity.
My conclusion would be for the future patients to be forced somehow to walk. There is no need for intense exercise. The people just need to get walking.
My wife had a terrifying experience while she was in the hospital. This caused her to get quite excited. Her heartbeat went way up. Her breathing got to sprinting levels. The day after the scare, she was more alert than she had been before the event. It got the blood circulating, as they say (who are they?).
Now, the pain (my pain, not hers) I see when I look at my wife is unbearable at times. She has refused to do what she needs to do in order to move towards improvement. The amount of drugs they give her is amazing. Thank God she is not in pain. But, she has become so lethargic, that it hurts me to see her that way. Oh what I'd give for a decent argument with her. I would love to walk with her again.
Hey Doctors! Get her butt out of bed and force her to move. She would get better, I know it for sure. She may not survive, but at least she will live until she dies. Now, she is just a slab of meat with a brain.
There is a lesson here on many levels.

• The guy who lost weight by walking had the time to do it because he wasn't working. So, walking won't work unless you can juggle the rest of your life and force yourself to fit it in. If you are too tired from work, and taking care of your family, walking probably won't work. Your energy level will go up, but you probably won't be able to maintain it. If you are retired with not much else to do, this is a great way to lose weight and keep it off. Walk, or swim. As you age, it is not good to run because you are too likely to injure yourself and that will bring you down too quickly. I've always wanted to be able to run, but I will avoid it because of the chance for injury. Walking is just fine for me.
• Gastric bypass is a great way to lose weight and keep it off no matter what your daily situation. Even if you are working and taking care of the family, you can take the time off, get the surgery, and get back on the horse again. It becomes a chore to eat properly, but the surgery teaches you how to do it, and won't let you cheat unless you really work at it. My stress levels messed with me a bit, but I know I am eating better than I ever have, and I still get out there and work. The fatigue I feel is emotional and will go away with time.
• Activity is the way to stay alive longer when you're sick. Cancer patients should be forced to work out. Even if they invent machines that do the movement for you until you can do it yourself, it is better than just laying there. Any movement is better than no movement. I don't know why they haven't thought of this before. Maybe they have and I just haven't seen it.
• You have a much better chance of losing weight and keeping it off if you attack it from all sides. Mind, Body, and Spirit. Fuel, movement, and getting rid of the psychological baggage that brought on the problem in the first place. Tackle them all, and you won't need the surgery.

I believe I have the best chance of surviving because I had the surgery. My psychological baggage is being taken care of, and the emotional situation will resolve itself soon (sadly, I will lose my wife and best friend in the process).
I pray that this wisdom finds the right person who can use it to eliminate the problems my wife went through. The future looks good.
Life is good!

Cut ties!

Last night, I wrote a letter resigning from the support group steering committee and I told the WLS team that I probably won't be coming to support group meetings anymore.
I had taken a break because of my wife, but my missing the meetings allowed me to process information and make my decision more clearly.
I think the meetings served me well, and were needed up until now.
The problem I have is that I stopped being counselled and started counseling others.
I needed to sit and ask questions based upon my current progress. Instead, I ended up being asked the questions.
At this time in my life, I don't have the answers, or should I say, I don't have the energy to supply the answers.
So, I will re-adjust my life to get my answers elsewhere.
I have a counselor who is helping me to find a support system better suited to my needs, and this is just another step in my progress.
My wife is still taking the majority of my time and effort, but I will not give up my weight loss goals which will be reached within the next year, and continue for life.
This blog receives good feedback from folks both local and farther away, and I am trying to expand it a bit so I can receive even more feedback.
I admit that some of my posts have been repetitive, but I have very limited time right now.
Some of my goals for the near future involve much more physical activity, and a change of location at least for part of the year.
I look back at one of my goals and I still think about doing it anyway, even though I am forced to be very frugal until things resolve themselves financially. That goal is:
Buy a season pass to Hershey Park which is about 30 minutes away. That way, I can spend my time walking and watching people. I will take my camera along and take pictures, and get to know every part of the park.
I've had this dream to build my own amusement park, but never had the team to help me do it. I would need designers to make my ideas a reality, and business people to secure the funding for the build. I would need to buy the land, and so many other things. It would be fun and hard work at the same time. But, it would be nothing like the parks that are out there today.
I've been to a few amusement parks in my time, and have seen one that came close, but so far, I'm unique.
Going to Hershey would be fun and a learning experience. I would be surrounded by people and get my exercise all at the same time.
Oh well, maybe next year.

Running out of steam

I have this problem.
I get going full tilt in the morning. Then, I go all day. I run out of steam just about the same time every night.
It's not a physical energy problem, but a mental one.
I can walk, or do something as long as it doesn't involve interacting with people.
If I have something to finish, I can't do it. I just can't.
Now, I know why I can't finish, or interact.
I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of holding up my facade. I need to let it down and just be me.
I get up around 4:30am every morning, so by about 6pm, I've had enough.
It doesn't help that I live in a tourist area. Lancaster County is the home for the Amish sect.
There aren't just one group of them, but literally dozens of different versions of Amish.
They all have this one annoying habit and it wears me out as a Bus driver.
They all drive one horse buggies and I always get stuck behind them trying to maintain a schedule. I hate it.

They don't have licenses. But they tie up traffic and I swear they are reveling in messing with us "English".

So, the problem really isn't with the Amish, but with the fact that many of the native Lancastrians adopted their style of driving, and they also drive like idiots.
I hate it.
It wears me out.
Now, you should be able to tell about now, that I really don't have anything against any of these people. I have met quite a few of them and they are very nice for the most part.
I am writing this at 5:35pm, and I'm tired.
So, I'm letting myself go a bit and complaining about something totally outside my control.
I'm going to go see my counselor tonight at 6:30pm.
Can you imagine what I'm going to tell them?

Truth and...

I don't have the energy to edit this tonight. I'm typing on this little notebook that is so hard to get it right. My fingers are all over the place.
There are so many fat people out there now. I see them riding in their scooters all the time.
I see them riding the elevators when they could be walking the stairs like I do.
They are constantly looking for the easy way out.
I saw a young lady coming down the walkway with a greasy bag of fries. She was eating a burger while waddling and trying to stay upright. The fat was causing her to struggle for balance.
I used to be like that.
The truth is, there is something in food today that causes excessive increases in the appetite.
People can't even wait to get to a table before they are trying to shovel the stuff in.
I used to be like that.
I get my coffee every morning from Dunkin Donuts. I get the same thing every morning, so the lady at the window has it ready for me when I pull in.
I use the coffee as one of my many intakes of fluid. No calories, just a bit of caffiene, and flavor (it's decaf).
Is caffiene the culpret? No, but it could be.
So, is it sugar, salt, or some super secret hidden ingredient?
I don't know.
Maybe, it's a combination of lifestyle, food additives, brainwashing, and lack of willpower?
I was taught to finish everything on my plate because people around the world were starving. I had to finish whether or not I was still hungry. Heavy was better back then. But we walked more, we didn't watch TV as much. We were active. We burned off extra calories.
So, now we have another crisis.
For those of us who have found WLS, we are the lucky ones.
I wish we could find out what was causing the problems and fix them so that so many people wouldn't need the surgery.

I think I talked about this before, but....

I had a situation occur when I had reached my peak weight. I hated driving the Brush Bus, and I was trying really hard not to get upset. The situation at home was really bad (when wasn't it?) and I started sweating and got chest pains too. I know the signs, but it didn't feel like anything other than the stress, so I mentioned it to the dentist on the bus, and she went into a panic. They sat me down and took my BP which was a little high. Then, they forced me to drive to the hospital.
Anyway, I did the stress test, and even went back for an angiogram, where they stick the needle into the groin and shoot fluid into the heart to observe for abnormalities.
All test results were negative, and the angiogram was clear. They said my arteries were in great shape. I had expected to be told that I was dying because my Mom had died so young and I was right around her age.
They finally told me they think I just had a panic attack. I would usually deny that kind of thing, but I decided to think about it for some stupid reason.
I decided they were right. It was stupid for me to have an anxiety attack. I wasn't crazy, just stressed out because I really wasn't doing what I wanted, in any part of my life.
That was the time that I decided to start praying because there was nothing else I could do except walk away from my life.
So, I started out by yelling in the car, and yelling in the bus when no one else was there. I quit my job and went back to school bus driving, and felt better. Less stress (can you believe that?) and more recovery time, so I could start working towards a real future.
I bought stuff for myself without consulting Donna, and that made her mad, but I did it anyway.
I kicked my son and his brood out.
It was the start of my change.
My prayer:

Dear God,
Kill me or make me better.

Guess what He did?
It's a long slow road for me, and it never moves fast enough, but it is moving forward.

Trash

Larraine said that it was a great feeling throwing things out.
I agree 100%.
I have been cleaning the house since I got my energy back. I actually started before that, but my wife made me feel guilty about throwing things out.
I have pictures I will post.
Can you say "Hoarding"?
I know what it is all about. I threw out most of my stuff while my wife saved it all. I would get rid of things only to find them mysteriously re-appear.

So, when I had the surgery and re-gained my energy, all of a sudden, she couldn't keep up with me, and I got rid of far more than she could find and return.

I also gave away all of my clothes as I lost weight.
What a feeling of relief, freedom. It was a literal weight off my ....I was going to say shoulders, but it actually affected my whole being. I am still paying for it in stress.
Observe the pictures and you will see why.
My wife is in the hospital and not expected to live much longer, so I took it upon myself to start cleaning things out. I have the time and energy, so I collected trash bags of actual trash, and used others for storing her clothing. I still have more to go, but so far I have filled 10/40 gallon trash bags of her clothing.
It is somewhat funny, because I was warned not to buy anything expensive while I was losing weight because I would grow out of it too quickly. So, I bought a dozen Pocket T shirts, two pair of jeans, a pair of dress pants. I have some shorts from last year that still fit, and some sweats that I figured I could use until I got down to my size.
So, everything I have could fit into a very small space.
I counted 75 blouses, the same or more in sweaters, 100+ pair of socks, not to mention all the other stuff. 40 belts? Who needs that many belts? My wife did.
I plan to paint the house over the next month, and maybe get a full size dumpster for the driveway, so I can take stuff out and just get rid of it all at once. I'll bet I can fill it too.
I've already gotten rid of at least that and more over the past two years.
I found receipts to 1967! I burned out one shredder with some of the paper I've gotten rid of.
Oh my, I could go on and on. And, I will.
Man, does it feel good to start to live in a house instead of a dump.
BTW, these pictures were taken at least one year after I started cleaning. When I started, I couldn't fit through the piles.
More later...

Two years

In July, I will have my second anniversary of my surgery.
I had to stop going to meetings the past two months due to my wife being sick, but I will return soon.
I am staying around the 205 pound mark, down from 305. I think it's great because I can function well, and not have to worry about things like climbing steps or sitting at a table instead of a booth.
My eating habits are down to a science. Since there is no one home now, I can eat what I want, when I want.
I cook everything the way I like it.
My splurge last week was a pizza. A Hawaiian Pizza. My wife hated them. I ate one piece every day for the past week.
I bought salsa, and Huumus, and gluten free chips. I like crunchy foods with my meals so I have a few chips and dip them in one or the other.
I loaded a huge box and a few bags of food and gave them away last week. The closet is getting cleaned out.
Yippie!, I feel great!

Progress, the Opposite of Congress

I put on shorts today for the first time since winter.
I cut the lawn as if it was something I did every day.
I accomplished a lot of other things.
Right now, I have a lot of sit down work. I have no choice. I have to do this in order to save my situation. I am still as clumsy at it as I was before. I am just a bit more sure of the outcome, so I plod ahead.
I started to do some online paperwork twice and failed. The first time, I got so far and didn't have the information I needed to finish. I logged out, and couldn't log back in, even though I have the correct log on and password.
I did it again today and got all the way to the end, and the damn program wouldn't let me answer the question. I had to log off, and try to log on again.
It is a typical ploy by the government to keep people from getting what is applied for. Someone is making money, but it isn't going to where it is supposed to go. This is why things cost so much more when the government does things.
Enough already.
So, I got stuck for two hours sitting in front of the computer instead of being active.
This will change. I know it will.
I found a new music keyboard/workstation that I want to acquire. It will help me work on my music and to make my new living soon. I will work towards owning it.
I managed to go to the bank and free up my online account. I screwed up the password on that one too. There are too many passwords today. I think I should go into stealing money. It must be lucrative to have so many safeguards in place to block it from happening.
I didn't get to see my wife today. I will do that tomorrow after I drop off the Damn Cat enroute to her new home. Finally, no more fur. She will be happy and so will I.
So, I did get a lot accomplished.
I am tired, so I will write a bit more and then hit the sack.

What do I do? What don't I do?

With my wife being sick, it's a tradition for people in the community to cook meals for the folks who are going through the horrible ordeal.
That's a tough one for me.
First, it is hard for me to make new friends. It's not that I can't. I just have everything on my plate right now that I can handle.
I don't like accepting charity from others, no matter how good the intentions are.
So, I politely decline. I have an excuse. I had surgery. I also have Celiac. No wheat, gluten, Pasta, etc.
I eat like a bird and I like it that way.
Food is no longer an event. It's God's way of supplying my body with fuel. Darn tasty fuel sometimes.
So, with my wife being sick, I don't go out to eat much. I have gotten used to eating in the Hospital restaurants and shops. I like wraps the best because even though they have wheat in the wrap, they are all inclusive foods. I get my protein, carbs, veggies, etc. all in one. I usually buy a piece of fruit although most hospital fruit looks like it's been there for awhile. I also get decaf coffee, or diet iced tea. I hate the bottled water. It tastes like plastic to me.
I haven't been to the movies. The last one we saw together was Avatar. Great movie.
I quit netflix for now.
I was really thinking of dumping Comcast because of the cost, but I need to see the news, and really do like watching when I have no mental energy left to do anything else.
I need to go out food shopping more. I let stuff run out and then have to force myself to go.
I like BJs wholesale because I can save money and buy in quantity. But even that is not as much fun because I don't need that much. My cart is usually half full.
I haven't been out for a walk. The warmer weather has hit and I've gone out on my Helix, but haven't gone for a walk.
I really want to dig into the stuff at home and start packing things up and getting rid of things, but I only have so much time.
I have to get rid of the cat. I can't take care of it, and it's lonely.
There are so many things I want to do but can't right now. I hope that I can do some of them after my wife is gone.
The pictures show what I've been trying to accomplish in the house. She was a hoarder. I got rid of a whole huge trash truck of stuff a few years ago in order to clear out the basement. Now, I am going through her clothing and trying to clear out the closet and dresser so I can put my clothes in, instead of me having to throw them on a trunk.
You can see by the pictures that I have lots of work to do. The black plastic bags are filled with some of her clothes. I still have places to look for stuff. I brought up another container this morning and will dig in when I have time.
So, I need to walk.
I need to get out and enjoy the sunshine.
I need to really dig into the house and clear it out in preparation for sale or for me to restore it and start living again.
What I can't do, is not grieve.

What a day!

Today, I took a break form the stress of my wife's situation. Of course, I felt guilty, but I needed a break.
Last night, I came home from seeing her, and did my best not to panic and think about the situation with her.
Instead, I set about making up some chili.
I normally won't start making it that late at night because once I start, I want to follow through and finish. But, last night, I needed to do something.
I did the tomatoes. I bought some new diced tomatoes with jalapenos already in them. I wanted to see how they worked. Since the wife isn't here, I can make things as hot as I want. If it gets too hot, I can always make up a mild batch of chili, and mix the two to cool it down a bit. So far, I haven't needed to do that. I can take the heat!
The aroma was amazing. I didn't really taste it yet since I have 5 quarts of the older chili.
Anyway, I made up the tomatoes, and I had had the beans soaking for two days. Usually, they are supposed to be soaked for an overnight period, but I didn't have time to take care of them.
I drained the beans, rinsed them, and then filled the pot with water to bring it to a boil.
I added my spices to the tomato mixture, and set it to high in the crock pot.
While they cooked, I did other things to keep me busy. I got a load of wash going, and cleaned up a bit.
After I was sure the beans were ready, I mixed them into the crock pot, and set it to low, and went to bed. I also added some water which I usually don't do. I was afraid that it would evaporate too much.
This morning after my bus run, I browned the ground beef, added lots of seasonings, and added the mixture to the chili.
I raised the heat up to high, and propped open the one end of the lid with a table knife to allow some liquid to burn off.
I then got the wash into the dryer, did the dishes, and took a nap. I didn't sleep, instead, just lay there for awhile. Oh, I also got the mower outside along with the for sale sign for it. I started it up just to make sure it still worked. It started on the third pull after sitting all winter. Maybe I should keep it?
I got up and went outside, and started my new Honda mower (1st pull after sitting all winter) and cut the lawn. There were parts I skipped since the grass didn't grow well there yet. But, I chugged along without any trouble, thanks to my weight loss.
I had a neighbor stop by to ask about my wife too.
Then, I came inside and finished up the chili. It was smelling just fine! I got 9 quarts from it, and it did taste a bit warm. I'll get the full effect when I try some next week.
I went over this afternoon and picked up the Accord for the weekend. I tried to do some maintenance on it, but couldn't find the right size tools. My son had borrowed them over the years and never brought them back. So, I imagine that will be the first thing I will do when I get rich is to buy all new replacement tools.
I also took a ride on my Helix to get my new sun glasses. They work great. I can see again in the sun!
So, the day was very busy. I got a lot accomplished, but I still have so much more to do. I didn't get rid of the Damn cat, but I have some folks looking for a home for her. I hope they find something soon because I really can't deal with her much longer.
My weight has stayed the same for months now. I would have thought I would gain weight because of the stress as I have many times before, but I have been able to maintain without too much trouble.
The warm weather will be helping me out too because the grass will be growing much faster. If I can get another full day, I will start to pack some stuff. I finally got enough money to buy some boxes. I want to get all the same size instead of a mixture from the grocery store because I may just store stuff for a bit in order to really clean the house. I have a real estate "stager" coming over to let me know what I need to do in order to get the house ready for sale.
Busy life.
Now, back to thinking about my wife.
Life will be good again.

I am

Writing a new blog in private. It is a journal of my life with my wife. It is not for public consumption.
It is cathartic, or at least supposed to be.
I am watching my wife die.
I am stuck following the directions of a lawyer so I don't lose everything I own with her death (my wife's, not the lawyer's).
The lawyer is good. The advice is very tough to follow, but I am doing it anyway.
I want choices when my wife dies. I want to be able to choose what to do with the house. I won't have that if I go broke and lose it. So, I follow the legal advice, and hope to come out of it in one piece.
My wife is dying. She won't admit it to herself. She is of the opinion that everyone is wrong and is pushing towards going back home. That won't happen.
I have lost a few pounds. It is good to not have to think about food instead of the important things. I get hungry, but I can put if off if I need to.
I am not neglecting myself. I am eating. I am not getting as much exercise as I should.
I worked to clean the bedroom last night. It will take another day or so. I get emotional when I find stuff. It is a good/bad experience.
I am tired in body, spirit, and soul.

My apologies

I am receiving comments to my blog in what looks like an oriental language, maybe Chinese, Japanese, or some other language.
I won't publish those comments because I don't have any idea what they say and I don't have an easy way to translate them.
If they are legitimate comments, please make an effort to change the comments to English so I can understand them. Otherwise, i will continue to reject them.
I am sorry if I am a typically rude American. I am.

Update for March, 2010

I have been keeping a daily watch on my wife who is still in the hospital and will soon be sent to a nursing home.
She will live out the remainder of her time on life support, something she decided she now wants, for the rest of her life. Without the breathing machine, she would die within an hour or so.
So, my weight loss has been put on hold since she went in February 8.
Notice, I said put on HOLD.
I have stayed within 8 pounds of the weight I was before she went in. I weighed in around 202 and now am 208. I have been weighed around 211, but that was only for a day or so. It all depends on how much liquid I drink, and what I eat.
I plan to lose at least 40 more pounds before I finish.
I admit, I am using pre-prepared meals for my evening meal, and I have eaten one or two more puddings than before, but that will change.
It is very stressful watching someone you love and have been with for 35 years die.
How I deal with it is not the way others might, but that's OK because I am me.
I walk the stairway at the hospital when I can. I even went up 6 flights the other day. It was tough, but I did it.
I have eaten hospital food, and the stuff they make isn't bad. I can actually stay within my diet there because of the variety.
I still take my vitamins and other supplements on schedule.
I find that I can stand more, walk without pain, and have more energy to do the necessary things I need to accomplish.

I hate living alone with a damn cat. I would rather live alone than with a damn cat! I am starting the process of looking for a new home for the damn cat, but it will be tough because she is on a special diet and has to take meds to keep her healthy.

So, I still eat my chili. I made up a fresh batch and added more spice because my wife won't be sharing it.

My finances are about to tank. Disability has cut me in half. The medical bills are now 4 inches thick and getting thicker. I will be making arrangements next week to handle them. I am up to date on the mortgage and all the utilities, but the credit card debt will take me down to serious levels.

Netflix, and my wife's phone have been put on hold. I added texting to my phone because it is easier to send them instead of calling and talking to all the people who want updates on a daily basis. I am considering cancelling Comcast and just doing without TV for a few months. A savings of $780.00 a year! I can't believe some of you out there pay for premium packages that cost more than that. I just have basic cable. It's crazy to pay that much just to watch infomercials and reruns instead of doing real things. I still have the old style 26 inch flat screen TV, and hope to someday have a HD, but that won't be too soon.

Yesterday, I was able to sign on to Skype at the hospital and let my wife see the grand kids in Maryland. She still can't talk, but she could wave and smile.

I will be finishing up the taxes this week too come Hell or high water. I got stuck when I got to totaling up the medical bills from last year. I have to sort them, and since they are all different shapes and sizes, I have piles subject to wind currents and all. So far, I only owe the government 1.2 trillion dollars, so Lord Obama will be able to pay for his stupid health care program when I send him my check.

I have plans of closing up the house and selling it after painting, and repairing some things to increase resale value. I may end up doing that quicker than I planned depending on circumstances. I know I won't make nay money or get rich by doing so. We used up everything we saved long ago.
No pension, no retirement, no savings, oh my!
I had thought of starting a business after my wife passes, but I don't know if that is folly, wishful dreaming, or a possibility.

One thing I am going to do is take a vacation.

Another thing is I am going to start walking again. And, I am looking for a climate that I can spend most of my time outdoors. I hate being cooped up all winter. It makes working outside tougher, and less desirable.
So, now I am heading out to pick up my Purple amp from my guru friend who has modified it and eliminated the buzzing. Then, this afternoon, I will be packing up some nic nacs from a corner hutch so I can give the hutch to my son, and the nic nacs to my daughter.

Tonight, I will go see my wife.

Next week along with the taxes, I will be cleaning and organizing.

Life is good.

Mandatory entry

So, what is the worst thing that could happen to a post baritric patient?
Re-gaining the weight lost? Yes!

I am not in that position. I am on a plateau.

I have a life problem that I have to ride out, however long it takes. I hope the people reading this blog don't ever have to do that.

For years, I blamed everyone but myself for my problems. I notice now that there are many things that I never knew how to do. There are things I had no clue about, even though those around me did. They thought it was common for everyone to know those things.

Now, I am experiencing the things I never wanted to. I am finding out who I am. I am solving many problems I had, and finding out what I can't do, even though I want to.

It has nothing to do with weight loss. It has nothing to do with bariatric.

I got married in 1976. I wasn't ready, and I had so much psychological baggage, I had no idea what I was getting into.

I spoke of my dreams of traveling and playing my music, and making lots of money, and having more fun than a normal human should have.

None of those things happened. Instead, Life intervened.

I got to see both of my kids being born. I got to see them grow. I got to see them have kids of their own.

I now have two great kids, and 5 grandkids. I am getting to know each of them, although right now, I don't have energy for anything but my problem.

My wife is in the hospital. She is being treated for complications from her chemotherapy treatment for stage 4 breast cancer. The cancer is under control. It weakened her initially. The chem weakened her even more.

She developed an intestinal problem. They admitted her to the hospital on February 8th. She is still there.

She is now in the ICU on life support. They wanted to pull the plug a week ago, and she fought back and was able to hang on and show progress.

She is now in pretty bad shape. She looks horrible, but all I see is the girl I met at West Chester State College back in 1975. Her bright blue eyes are what drew me to her. Her intellect is what captured me. My heart went next.

My wife was treated for Hodgkin's Disease a year or two before I met her. They did radiation therapy and removed her spleen after doing exploratory surgery.
Since then, she has had a pleural effusion, para-thyroid removal, thyroid removal, and numerous other problems treated both in and out of the hospital.
We may have had a million dollars worth of medical treatment over the years. Who knows? Thank god for medical insurance.

Her once sharp mind is now fuzzy. She doesn't know what day it is unless we tell her. She couldn't tell you who visited her today or yesterday. The news is not important to her. Her company is surviving without her. Her grandkids aren't allowed to see her because she wants them to remember her for who she was, not what she is now. She is only concerned with trying to survive this horrible situation.

This is very tough on me. It is tough on her friends, and family. It is really tough on our kids.

While she is sick, I have to be concerned for the practical problems of life.

• The bills
• The upkeep of the house
• Car inspection
• Doing our taxes
• Funeral preparation and expenses dealing with that.
• My job

You would think that things would get easier if there is only one person in the house, but that isn't the case.

In addition to being at the hospital twice a day, and most weekends, I have to watch what I eat, and how I eat.

In spite of all of this, I haven't gained any weight.

I am grateful for the tool of the surgery to keep me going.

I have the energy to keep on going.

I have to admit, there were two days last week that I thought about cashing it in, and heading south. Or west, or anywhere warm and away from here.

But, I am still here. I am saying my prayers, and dealing with things as well as I can.

It is taking it's toll on me, but I'm still here.

Life will be good again.

Just an old fashoined love song

While I care for my wife in her final days on Earth, I am still taking care of myself.
Other than a lack of sleep, I am walking the stairs at the hospital (she is on the sixth floor) and the hallways, and eating the healthy stuff in their cafeteria instead of the junk food.
Look for me on Facebook if you want to get more of an update. My computer time is limited.
I won't be editing this post until later.
I am surviving.
Life still is good.

Diet and Exercise

Since the end of July, 2008, I've been much more active than I was before that date.
I've eaten much better than I did.
I still cheat, but it's so much different, that people can't believe the difference.
I used to love soda, but don't even think about it now.
I used to love chocolate. I still do. But one square of 60-72-86% dark is fine for me. I have chocolate protein powder as a supplement and a chocolate protein bar when I need it.
I used to go gaga for pasta. No big deal anymore.
I eat meat, fish, and poultry, as well as some pork products. I try to get them fresh and cook them myself.
I eat so many more veggies and fruits than I did before.
I now weigh in between 202-210 depending on the time of day/week, and how much liquid I have in me.
I feel great. I can do things without worry that I'll collapse or run out of steam.
I still get tired, but it's a good kind of tired.
I am looking forward to flying again. I will be able to fit into a seat!
I still haven't been to the amusement park, but I'll get there too.
I stopped reading books about weight loss, or dieting because many of them don't agree with what I am doing.
I remember following the Fat man walking website, and wanting to run away from my problems as he did, but I am glad I didn't. I just checked and his site is down. In case you were wondering, he decided to leave his family and walk across the country (United States) from California to New York in order to lose weight and regain his life. He made it, but ended up getting divorced, and then he had a whole pile of other problems, as well as psychological problems. He tried to write a book, and I am not sure if he ever finished it. He had a whole pile of sponsors for his clothing and shoes, etc. that jumped on board, but it really didn't help him solve his problems.
He didn't learn how to eat, and kept gorging himself on junk food while on the road. He didn't plan the trip very well, and ended up sleeping on the ground a lot of the time, or being stuck out in the middle of nowhere instead of making it from town to town.
He did have quite a following and made national news, but that still didn't help him succeed. He lost some weight, but didn't reach his goal.
I thought that if he had some real support, and proper planning, that he could have done it. But, I could see after awhile that he was really taking his problems with him, and he thought he was running away from them.
That's the difference with weight loss surgery.
I had a team help me to succeed, and I still have them if I need them for life!
I am following the plan, and will continue to do so for life.
Life is good.

On a side note: My wife is in pretty bad shape, fighting the battle against cancer, and losing ground. This takes a lot out of me, and makes maintaining my healthy life style much tougher than I thought it would be. I will survive.

Just checking in

Getting Gastric Bypass surgery is so much easier than watching your life partner waste away from cancer.
Trust me, I know.

Da big snow

I have been busy shoveling snow. I have a large driveway and front walkway, and I don't have power equipment.
My aluminum shovels are worn out, and I have a very old steel scoop shovel.
I still get the job done. I have some neighbors who help out from time to time. One came by during the first storm and dragged my driveway with his plow. I was able to finish the job after that.
Another came by twice and helped me with his power shovel. It's a Toro one stage that can handle up to 6 inches of snow. Since we are dealing with up to 4 feet, I had to knock it down first. It was fun because I've been cooped up all winter and haven't gotten much of a workout.
There is still snow on the driveway, and I have to get the ice off the walkway, but it is passable.
I'll keep working on it.
My wife went into the hospital on Monday afternoon from complications from her chemotherapy. This is tough on me because I hate to see her like this.
I have been taking care of the house for quite some time, and I'm glad we don't have the kids at home anymore, just the damn cat. I hate cats! :)>
I have been off work since the snow started, so I could pace myself and work whenever I wanted. The storm was so bad that I couldn't get out to see my wife because they closed the city down. She is enjoying her solitude, however, and can call me whenever she wants.
This is a really strange time. I don't ever recall feeling quite like this.
Life is still good, but strange!

Sunny and 12!

Friday afternoon, began the storm of the century, according to the government run, main stream media. Even though there were many other storms like this one in the past century, this one happened to fall in 2010, making it the big one.
I was able to pick up my school kids before it started, thanks to the very nice powers that be at the school district I work for. So, we beat the traffic, the snow, and got home early on a Friday. A triple play!
The snow started around 3pm. which was about three hours before they said it would start. It was light at first, and then picked up around 9 pm.
When it was over Saturday afternoon around 2pm, we received around 18-24 inches. Not bad! We had not had a big storm for about 5 years or more as far as I can remember. So, this was a real test for my new thinner body.
The snow was over my knees when I tried to tackle it. I dug around from the top of the driveway downward, and I managed to make a fairly large circular hole about 10 feet across. The school bus was still buried and if I had driven the CR-V through, the snow would have come up to just below the window. So, I knew I had my work cut out for me.
In the meantime, I have a neighbor across the street who has a snow blower and wouldn't help a drowning man. Another neighbor has a Dodge Ram with a full plow on it. He was heading out to make some money, so he passed me by. And still another who has a John Deere Tractor with a snow blower on the front who for some reason didn't stop either. He usually does, and I send some money his way when I can. But, not today.
I knew it was way too much for me to do by myself, so I decided to tackle the sidewalk in the front of the house first, just in case I ran out of steam and couldn't finish.
I managed to finish the sidewalk, and then went inside to cool down and regroup. I did manage to finish the driveway last night with the help of a friend who dropped by with his electric shovel.
So now, the neighborhood is buried under the snow, but the driveways are cleared, as well as the sidewalks. The plows did a half decent job on the roads, but everything is closed anyway. Go figure. All that work for nothing.