Drooling on myself!

I play guitar and some other instruments. Who doesn't? Everyone plays something it seems.
I watch Paladia HDTV and love the variety of sounds that come from the guitar played by different people.
I found a cerebral guy to set up my guitar. Set up is a way to make sure everything on the guitar is working to it's absolute best, or the way you want it to be set.
This guy was a genius at it. he made the guitar I have almost play itself. You see, you are supposed to learn everything you can about music, and then forget all that stuff and just play. If you can do that, people will take notice. You may never be a superstar, but, you will be noticed.
This guy also plays guitar, but he is not well known except in his field. he is a player's player. The kind of guy everyone wants to be, so they watch him and learn from him.
So when I go onstage, I want to be that kind of guy. It's an ego thing.
I also want to play what is in my heart. That's the really tough part.
Right now, I can play what's in other people's hearts, that is, the songwriters. But, it's tough for me to find what is in my heart and share it.
This is a life long problem for me and many others.
The blues are supposed to be a way to express those emotions, however, I don't have the blues. I also don't have the tongue in cheek style that blues requires.

From: How blue can you get? - BB King!

I gave you a brand new Ford

But you said “I want a Cadillac”

I bought you a ten dollar dinner

You said “Thanks for the snack”

I let you live in my penthouse

You said it was just a shack

I gave you 7 children

Now you want to give them back

Now how can I compete with that? I don't think funny. So, the problem is to find the energy and the time, and the will, and the motivation to write down what I am feeling inside of me in a rhythm, so that it can be turned into a song. Then, I only have to duplicate that process 30 or 40 more times, and I'm set.
So, as I sit here with my stomach rumbling from drinking my protein drink, I will be working on yet another project. I played guitar and sang today, and for the most part I sounded good. I still have some age issues.

• Breath control is important as you get older. You try to hold notes, and they fizzle on you.
• The high notes get harder and harder to hit. I am amazed at how the voice machine ages along with the rest of the body.
• The fingers are bent with age. They have a tendency to mute out strings when you don't want them to, and they don't always go where you point them. My weight loss has helped this tremendously. My fingers used to hurt terribly when I played. They called it arthritis, but it was just too much fat. Yes, I have some joint problems, but they don't hurt nearly as much as they did when I was fat.
• I have to pace myself. When I was a teen, I could play all night and not have to worry about what would happen afterwards. I would go to sleep (or not) and not be so sore I couldn't move the next day. Pacing myself today really cuts into my creativity. I can't just keep playing because I run out of steam, just like now.

I'm going to take a nap.
By the way, did I ever say that I hate Daylight savings time? I wish they would stop messing with my schedule. I hate that, even though I am getting an extra hour tonight. It's a really stupid idea, and it should be revoked.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chili

It's getting colder, and I'm feeling it more.
Chili, in fact!
This time, I added a whole bag of frozen green beans to the mix.
I am now also leaning towards a dryer chili mix, so I made up some rice (the long cooking stuff, not minute rice) and mixed it in to soak up the liquid.
I have two pounds of beef cubes and will work on a crock pot recipe for that soon.
My son is using my big freezer for his deer meat, so I have to be careful and not buy too much to freeze. That means I have to get rid of stuff already there so I can get more stuff.
I was looking at a small freezer unit, but haven't decided if I want to spend the money yet.
Most of my non chili meals are with chicken, or fish, and I look forward to once a day of eating my chili. I love the stuff.
The cooler weather is nice for me. I have lots of long johns, similar shirts, gloves, a buff, and even a mad bomber hat made with rabbit fur. It has to be pretty cold for me to not want to take a walk.
My E heat panels keep the house toasty, and supplement the gas forced air furnace. I bought cases of distilled water for a dragon humidifier to keep the house moist all winter too.
My house is sealed up nicely, however, it is all brick, and it doesn't get the sun in winter as much as I'd like.
My basement is cold too, and that's where I have the total gym, treadmill, and free weights. I may set up some space heaters so I can feel like I'm walking down the beach instead of cooped up inside a dungeon!
So, chilly, or Chili, I'll take them both.

Don't try this at home!

The subject is liquid.
Now pay attention! There will be a quiz!

Bariatric patients have to pay attention to liquids. We have rules. Lots of rules.

• We can't mix food with liquids.
  
• We have to drink 15 minutes before a meal (if we are thirsty, that is!) or no less than an hour after meals.
• We can't drink liquids during the meal unless we want to dump, suffer, or embarrass ourselves!
• We shouldn't drink alcohol because it gets us way too drunk, way too quickly.
• We can't drink carbonated beverages unless we let them go flat first. Beer included!
  
• We can't drink anything with sugar in it. Remember, wine has sugar in it even though it's much lower in alcohol than hard liquor. Yes, the sugar is a "binding" sugar, but if you want to chance feeling lousy for a sip of spoiled fruit juice, be my guest!
  

Now, did I forget anything?
Oh yes, we have to drink a lot of liquid every day. The equivalent of a half gallon of liquid every day.
Well that sounds like a lot until you consider that a half gallon is 8/8oz. glasses, or 64 ounces.

The fun part:

This is why you don't have to drink all that liquid every day.
You get a lot of water in your food!

Don't try this at home!

The juicer machine became popular through the TV infomercials. I bought one, and hated it. It made juice that was oh so good. But, it left behind a ton of "pulp" which was a royal pain to clean out of the machine. And, it wasted all that good fiber. How can you throw it away?

Now, imagine you take everything you are going to eat today, and run it through a juicer. How much liquid would you get?

• If you eat oatmeal, you get the small amount you add to the oatmeal. The stomach extracts that liquid and adds it to the total. You don't have to eat the oatmeal dry and the drink the liquid separately, silly goose!
• If you eat an egg, you get some liquid.
• If you eat veggies, you get liquid. Veggies are liquid with fiber, vitamins, minerals, and dirt!
• If you eat chicken, you get liquid.
• Fish? Come on!
• Fruit?

You get the idea?
So, you add all that liquid to the mix, and you get enough to drop the total number of glasses of liquid a bit.

Personally, I don't worry about the amount of liquid I take in because my diet includes it every day. I drink an extra large Dunkin Donut decaf coffee every morning. What I don't finish, I add to a container with my protein powder mix for extra flavor. I always have left over coffee, so I refrigerate it for later in the morning. Add soy milk with a scoop or two of protein powder, and a bit of sweetener, and it's like drinking a milkshake. Yummy!

I always have a gallon of Crystal Lite in the fridge, and I will take a large shaker bottle of it where ever I go to nurse it all afternoon. I make sure I don't drink too much, however, because I can't just stop the school bus when I need to.

It's funny, and tragic at the same time, but the super size drinking containers (extra large Dunkin Coffee) are about half of our needed liquid every day.

So, if I drink one container of coffee, and another of protein powder, I am finished for the day!
For most non WLS people, when they add all that (liquid) with extra sugar to their diet and then can't figure out why they can't lose weight, well you can figure out the rest.
If I drink anything else, my eyeballs float!

A side note:
I have an old friend who is trying to lose weight by taking in less food. They are walking around hungry most of the time, and feeling run down, and can't figure out why they can't lose weight. When I tried to explain how to eat using the WLS diet, they wouldn't listen. They thought it was crazy to eat this way.
I will eat this way for the rest of my life, and although I am going slowly crazy anyway, I won't gain much weight, and I'll be much more healthy and happy than them.
Gloat, Gloat, Gloat!

The next two weeks

Gee, I was wrong. I do have something new to say.
I am still coming up with new recipes for myself dealing with celiac, and weight loss.

It's still tough to balance everything.

I am going to be participating in a new program, or at least I hope to. It is strictly for old timers like I'm going to be. That is, people who are two years out or more from their surgery.It seems we all have the same basic problems. We can't remember what the heck we are supposed to do in order to maintain weight loss. We don't really need to go back to square one, although that works too. What we need is support and understanding.

We need to know that we aren't going to be treated as newbies when we go to meetings. We also don't want to be treated as royalty. The only thing different between me and a newbie is that I am two years out from my surgery. The surgery allowed me to be alive. It allowed me to maintain my weight loss, but it is only a tool. I have to remember what I am supposed to be doing. It's still a process. It's still a hassle. It's all worth it, but it is a hassle.

I visited one friend who always offers me something to eat or drink and I turn him down. Thankfully, he understands and isn't offended when I refuse.

So, hopefully, I will get involved in the post program and it will help me to maintain my weight loss.

Next:

I have been evolving through the death of my wife and loss of her council in various areas. That's what I am referring to in this post. We used to talk about things until they were obvious as to what we should be doing. I was always wrong as it turned out, so I depended on her council and wisdom in my purchases. So, when I want to do something now, I think about those times of discussion.

Now, however, things are different.

You see, I wasn't always wrong. She just made it appear that way.

So, I have this insurance money....

I am all alone and have to decide some very serious things.

• Do I stay where I am or do I sell the house and move?
• Can I afford to do the things I am doing?
• Will I ever play my guitar and sing for money again?
• Do I have to get a "real" job, or can I depend on my writing and music for money?
• Does it really matter, all of this?
  
• Can I live in an apartment or other type of dwelling, or am I too set in my ways and have to live in a condo or house?
• Can I live in my car or a cardboard box if I want? Can I be a street musician?
• Can I be an actor or a bit part actor?

So, I bought a car. I spent some of my insurance money and bought a car that is totally out of character for me. It's the red one in the picture above.

No children allowed in this car.

It ain't gonna go anywhere when it snows, even if I want it to go. It's too low to the ground and it has low profile tires. It has a top speed of 142mph, and I'm never going to see if it will go that fast. It rides like a dream, except that it's a bumpy ride for us old people. I've gone almost 400 miles in it so far, and I love it!

So, I bought it, and my wife would have hated it because it isn't practical.

I decided to keep my CR-V (the blue car in the picture above) so that I can go in the snow. I will also be able to carry people and things in it. It is a practical car. It is a fun car. But it isn't as fun as the Acura RSX type S.

I negotiated a great deal and I paid for it in cash. So, both of my cars are paid off. Now I am a bit poorer, but I am still OK for another two years.

And finally:

I have been struggling with the question:

• Do I sell my house, or do I keep it?

The problem lies with the expenses of living here. If I stay, I feel compelled to fix it up, repair it, paint it, clean it, etc.
This takes time and money.
Money is a problem because I could spend another $30,000.00 easily just to do the bathroom, kitchen, and other things that really need to be done.
Compelled is the problem. I feel that way because I was raised to live in a clean house. I have not been able to do that all these years because of my family and myself. I got fat and couldn't do the work myself. My wife hoarded things. My kids had their own life and I couldn't catch them to help, although they always pitched in when I asked.
So, I have been living in a less than perfect condition for my own sanity. No one else's, just mine.
I want to live in a clean house, where ever I am. That's just me.
This takes up my precious time.
So, in the past few days, I have been allowed to do some thinking for myself.
I am going to close off parts of the house so that I don't have to worry about them. I will close the doors and use those areas for storage. I will turn off the heat to those areas. This way, it will be as if I am living in a small apartment. I won't have as much to worry abotu or distract me from doing what I need to do.

I decided:

• I am going to take the next two weeks and not do anything to the house other than general cleaning. This means that I will do the dishes, laundry, and pick up after myself. I will not paint, or gather up stuff to be trashed. I will not do anything other than the basics.

1. I am going to start walking. I got two new pair of walking shoes as mentioned in another post. I will have 3 pair of those expensive socks soon. They arrive in the mail in the next few days so I will be able to use one pair and then another instead of washing the same pair over and over.
2. I plan to play my guitar and sing. I now have all of the equipment I need to do that. I will learn at least half the songs I need to go onstage. Then, I will make arrangements to record my music. I play guitar and bass. I can do multiple harmonies with my friends help recording.
   

• I plan to walk twice a day, every day. I plan to take an extra long walk every weekend.
• I plan to make sure I have proper gear and clothing so I can walk no matter what the weather. This will be my main exercise for the next two weeks. If I do it right, I will continue to walk all winter until I lose my extra weight.

Sometime in the next few days when I am too tired to do anything except sit at the computer, I am going to set a date and start making plans for a Levittown get together in November. I made a promise to do this the day of Donna's funeral. I spoke with friends who were there for the service, so now is the time.
Also, I have a dear close friend who has been incarcerated and wasn't able to attend the service. I promised to write him a letter, but haven't done it yet. I don't know quite what to say to him, but the words will come as they always do. I hope to see him again and make sure he is OK. He was my best friend in Levittown, but we went our separate ways after I left. I miss him terribly and want him to be well.
My thanks to Larraine for her kind words, and I do plan to meet her sometime in the very near future. She was only 10 minutes from here a week or so ago (Lititz) and she is on my "todo" list.

Where did you go?

It seems that everyone who was posting on the different blogs I've been following has stopped posting for one reason or another.
I know one blogger was having lots of problems and I understand. I've had my share.

A fellow WLS stopped posting in his blog, but has been very busy writing his book as well as living life. I understand.

It's amazing that 2 years out from my WLS has changed my way of looking at things and I stopped posting because of those changes. It just doesn't seem that important anymore.
Well, it seem that I am wrong. It is important. Maybe not to me, but to the folks who are reading this.

Of course, over the two years, I have been selfish and I wrote this blog mainly for me. It was an ego boost to have people reading this and supporting me in my efforts. It's been a learning experience too, but I've found it is important for me to write my thoughts down.
In a semi public forum such as this blog, I've had to censor some of my thoughts, but in my private writings, I can pretty much say what I am feeling at that moment. There is an expression of my emotions during those rants, rather than logic and common sense. That's OK, because there is one less person I can talk to about my feelings, and that was the one that mattered most to me.
One of the surprises I spoke about above, is that not only has my weight controlled how I feel and what I can do physically, but it's also controlled what and how I think.
Fat makes you think differently. It makes you feel differently. It makes you dream differently.
How amazing that is to realize!

I have been writing a lot in private. This has become very important to me.
The blog has taken a back seat because there really isn't anything that I want to talk about out loud so that others can read. But, I have a real need to write about things out to myself. (I wrote this before I wrote the above paragraph).

I sometimes write a statement as I think about it, and then go on to something else before returning to it later. Sometimes I delete it. This time, I let it stay here.
___

After experiencing the death of my wife, Life has changed in more ways than just weight loss.
I gained back about 15 to 20 pounds and haven't been able to get rid of it.

I have thrown myself into the task of cleaning out the house, in preparation for selling it, or keeping it.

I went through changes that were so emotional, I didn't think I could survive. A WLS person who doesn't lose a loved one in the process, doesn't have to deal with both of these traumas at the same time.

I have read and heard that many WLS patients end up divorcing their spouse (or the other way around) because the weight really did mask more than just their physical capacity to do things. I really thought I was going to be one of those people.

My wife and I have not seen eye to eye for a long time. My surgery was going to change that one way or the other for me. It wasn't just about living again. it wasn't just about being able to bend over, or do things again. It was (partially) about finally confronting my marriage to see if that's where we should be. One way or the other, I was going to face that problem which we had both avoided for so long.

I made a deal with myself that no matter how bad things got, I wasn't ever going to leave my wife. She wanted me to leave for a long time, but I wouldn't give in. I didn't think I could live up to that deal and that was eating me up inside. I fed my fears and insecurities with more food than I needed. I kept it bottled up inside me as a way to shield myself from the pain.

WLS was the scariest thing I had ever done because it was going to expose me completely. I was going to be open for others to really see who I was. I wasn't sure I was worthy of anyone's love or respect.

When Donna got sick, it was only a year after my surgery, so I never really got the chance to open myself up to her and find out what she really thought. I changed gears and again life was about her. All about her. With a terminal illness, that's the way it should be.

I was able to tell her how I felt, and express things to her, but wasn't able to get much back from her in the way of feedback. She went to her grave holding that information inside of her, and I'm left to deal with that. I know in my heart that she appreciated what I did for her during her ordeal.

I now know that I loved her. I lost track of that for a long time and just became someone who showed up for "work" everyday, and kept many of my feelings to myself.

This past week, there was a change and it started with Chili!

Yes, Chili.

I went from feeling as if I had to keep things as they were for my wife and kids, to finally starting to believe that I can now start to live for myself for the first time in my life.

I have been on hold since I was born.

I still have to deal with the "phantom pains" of the ball and chain of marriage.
Examples?

• "I know you'd love to have a new driveway, but we have to make sure the kids are taken care of".
• "I would love to see those bushes taken out by a professional, but it's so expensive. If you want them out, do them yourself".
• "We don't need a large screen HDTV. We can do without".

Well, the waiting is over.

• I'm working with my son and his fiance to help them emotionally to understand what they need to do in order to better care for their kids, and to get back on their feet, all without making any more financial contributions.
  
• I now have my driveway.
• I had the bushes taken out and am now working with a landscaper to replace them with new bushes that won't grow to obscene proportions.
• I took ownership of a 42 inch 1080p LED HDTV. I also added a Zvox home theater sound system to it. I will offset the cost by not going to the theater to see movies. I am also not eating out nearly as often. Netflix forever!
  

I started walking yesterday, in earnest. I decided that was going to be my main form of exercise.
There is a trail North of here that is actually three trails combined.
I met a neighbor there and we started talking about hiking. He is an avid hiker, and although we probably won't be walking together, he gave me information that I am going to use in order to do what I need to accomplish my goals.

• Camelbak makes a backpack with a liquid reservoir, and storage pockets. I will pack my food, sugar supplements, and anything else I need. I ordered one.
  
• I've always wanted an expensive pair of socks. I've always bought my socks from K Mart, and I wanted a pair that "wicked" the moisture away from the feet and kept them "toasty". My feet always got cold. I splurged and ordered a $15.00 pair of socks!
• I always wondered if silk underwear was warm. I bought some for Donna and she liked them, so I ordered a pair for me.
• I've always wanted hiking boots. I had a pair back in the 80's and loved them. I walked for miles and miles back then. I ordered a high back sneaker style that was waterproof, and a similar pair in low back. I hope to have to order another two pair in the spring when the tread is gone!
• I need to load my cell phone SD card with music so I can listen while I walk. The voices in my head need to be drowned out once in awhile. I only have 14,000 songs in my DJ library, so I will have to get new music soon! I have to buy a decent set of earbuds that don't fall out when I walk. I did use a full size set, but they would probably burn the battery down too quickly on a 10 mile hike.
• I bought a pair of ice spikes for walking in the slippery weather. They are made just for walking, not for climbing. I saw them last year and wanted to try them, but of course, I had to wait. I really need them when doing the driveway and sidewalk because I hate full size boots. They wear me out and make my feet and other body parts hurt.
  

The trail is about 30 miles long in total, but it can be split into pieces. It is scenic but not so far away from the real world as to be isolated from a cell phone. It's steepest grade s 4%, so it's fairly easy on the legs. I can walk as fast or slow as I want and there are areas to stop and gawk at the beauty, or to pee in the bushes.
There are many other places I would like to go to walk as well, but this trail is the longest, as well as being close, and if I get into a habit of doing it, I will be more likely to succeed. There is a closer and shorter trail (2.5 miles long, 5.0 miles round trip) and I will use that as a way of building myself up to the longer trail. And, there are other trails that I can get to by car, if I plan ahead for a long Saturday walk. I had thought of dusting off the old bike (21 speed Upland), but will wait for awhile to see how my walking goes.

Now onto the chili:
I added a box of long grain rice to the mix. I used the magic bullet to pulverize the stewed tomatoes instead of using water to cook the rice. I also used black beans instead of the 15 bean soup mix. The black beans have a better flavor and consistency for me. I like it.

That's where my inspiration came from to move on. Beans!

Moving on

I am still a Bariatric patient. I will be that for life.
I can change that if I want. But, I will never change it because I am too physically happy now.
I am moving forward, and moving on.
My blog may just stay the way it is, but I also may just start another blog that I can post non specific subjects.
There are people who read this blog and I hope I can help them make it through their WLS.
I am dealing with grief now, and may come back to this, but I think it's over.
So many things I have been living with are now over.
My eating habits have changed.
Many of the things I used to shy away from, I now seek.
Many of the things I enjoyed, I now stay away from.
I have cut up, shredded, thrown away, stored, sold things that have been here forever. Things that I didn't expect to part with, I have.
Donna's comment on my last post was right on target.
Thanks, Donna.

evolution

At this point in my blog, I have come to realize that my life is no longer all about food.
It's no longer about bariatrics, or weight loss surgery. It's no longer about any of that.
But, it is all about life again because of the things listed above.
I lost weight because of the surgery, the bariatric team, and my commitment to losing the weight and keeping it off.
Now, my life is about my health, and happiness.
It's about what I am going to do from here on out to the end.
What a change in my way of thinking.

In order for anyone reading this to find out more about WLS, etc. from this blog, you will have to go back in the archives and read from the beginning about my journey.
I have taken this blog as far as I want. From here on out, bariatrics is no longer the whole story.
I need to start another blog that will allow me to branch out and say what I think about other things.
I started this blog to help myself and others to understand a little of what I went through.
Now, I am ready to move on.
I won't ever forget that I have a stomach the size of a Jalapeno pepper.
I won't ever forget that I can screw up and ruin it all.
But, I don't need to write about it anymore.
I'll let others talk about bariatrics.
I'm evolving.

Going a way a way

You can hike to this lighthouse. It's huge to stand at the bottom and look up.

This is a color picture. The light was so intense that the camera took the color out.

Donna on the boardwalk.

Before WLS! Sitting on a sand dune. 305 pounds!

Looking South and East.

I started a post about 4 days ago, but had to save it until later. It isn't time sensitive, so it can keep for a bit longer.
This post is time sensitive.
I am taking my first vacation in years tonight.
I have not been away overnight since before my surgery two years ago.
I am going to eat normal foods, while staying away from wheat and gluten products as much as possible. But, I probably won't be adding any protein to my diet, unless I take some bars with me. The motel has a fridge, so I can keep them in there.
I will also take some peanuts and cashews with me. I can buy diet ice tea (didn't it used to be called Iced?) or water to drink.
I don't think it would be a good idea to carry a big tub of protein powder with me.
I will eat lots of seafood, which is what you eat when you go to the shore.
I am going to the shore. It's an island complex called Chincoteague/Assateague. The Assateague area is the ocean island. Cincoteague is more of a bay area. There are wild ponies, very small deer, all kinds of other wildlife including the Geese who winter here.The islands are connected by a bridge. Assateague actually goes all the way up to Ocean City, MD. but, it is a very long walk along the sand bars. Maybe 120 miles?
I will try to walk as far as I can tomorrow. I will do this on the sand at the ocean, not on the bay. The bay area has a nature center and a 3 mile walking/driving trail and it is beautiful too, but you don't get to feel the power of the ocean.
During my walk, I will try to bring out all of the emotions inside of me, and hope to deal with them so I can move forward again. The area is fairly secluded, so I should be able to take something to eat with me and spend my time totally isolated.
I hope to be able to eat well, and feel good when I finish.
I wish I could take a whole week off, but I can't at this time.
Since I'll only be gone for two nights and one full day, I should be able to resume my normal schedule Sunday afternoon.
I am making all kinds of preparations that I didn't make before WLS and I hope I don't forget anything.
I will take my laptop with me so I can record my feelings and keep in touch with the virtual world.

Wandering, but not aimlessly.

Sean and Shona

My Honda C-70/Passport (gone now)
Sean in Dallas, Texas, just before he threw up all over the rental car.

Secrets of the BBQ chicken kings

Use this on skinless chicken, maybe one or two pounds. I estimate, and use boneless skinless chicken, but if you use a rotisserie, you want to use two whole chickens.

• Take a cup of vinegar.
• Melt a half stick or real butter. (margarine is for wimps!)
  
• Add some paprika, Chili powder, a pinch of sea salt, oregano and other Italian seasonings
  to taste.

Combine all ingredients above, and paint them onto your chicken as you cook. You can BBQ it, or use a rotisserie if you have one. But, keep the chicken covered with the mix.

• Take the other half stick of butter and melt it in a frying pan.
• Add a chopped onion of your choice. I like red skin onions, but the pearl or yellows work too.
  
• Add some garlic if you like.

Fry it until the onion is browned, or blackened. I like my onions burned, but you may be happy with them another way. Add this to the chicken after it comes off the grill. You may also add this mix to the veggies you cook to go with the chicken.

A short story about coping;

I thought about things that happened to my wife and I many times over the years when I wanted to escape reality for awhile. I have been escaping a lot recently, an expect to continue to escape for a little while longer.
The things I am talking about here are the "little moments". They happen only to us, and we bring them back up when they happen again and again. Case in point:

We have owned many VCRS, and DVD players over the years. They wear out quickly and were cheap to replace. We used to record TV shows on the VCR so we could watch them together on Saturday night to save money by not going out to the movies.

We thought that the DVD players were great when they came out, but we kept the VCR so we could continue to record TV shows.

Well, every DVD player we ever owned would go about an hour into the movie, and then it would freeze. Every single one. I became very adept at cleaning the DVD, and navigating with the remote in order to be able to go back to where we left off in the movie. But, it became one of those "little moments" because no matter which DVD player we bought, or movie we were watching, the movie always froze about an hour into it. Always.

Well, last night, I rented my first Blu Ray disc to play on my brand new Blu Ray DVD player. The movie was "Repo Man". I got the movie from a Red Box at the local store. There was a line, so I just grabbed the first movie that I saw that was Blu Ray. (The next time, I will look online and reserve a movie)

This morning, I went out to breakfast for the first time in a long time. I have been talking to Donna at the gravesite, in the house, and also in the car. I tell her of the events of the day, and other things I won't go into here. I tell her I wish she were here to see this amazing new machine that has such brilliant picture and sound quality.
You see, I have been waiting for her to come back and talk to me and help me to feel a little comfort in knowing that she will be OK in her new journey.
I was going to head to the local Bob Evans, but something made me head towards Salunga. They have a little place there that serves breakfast and lunch. Very basic decor, but good food.
As I got closer, the memories started flooding my mind so much, the water kept trying to escape from my eyes. I was able to control it most of the time, or hide it with my glasses.
My wife used to take my son there by themselves on Saturday mornings so that they could talk. I have no idea what they talked about, but it helped my son. He even got a job there for a few weeks. There were friends of his that worked there too, and they were part of the crowd that used to come around and visit us.
I forgot how to do things as a WLS post person, and let the waitress/owner pour me coffee instead of telling her not to bother. (don't drink 15 minutes before eating)
I also forgot that she gave me regular coffee, not decaf.
So, I added my sweet and low, and some cream and started sipping. I may have consumed about an ounce of liquid, but it was soooo good.
I also ordered an everything omelet with home fries, no toast.
I sat for about 10 minutes while waiting and sipped some more because it was soooo good. Not much, just a little. I figured it would all wash down before the food got there.
I could see my wife and I having breakfast there and the liquid started rising again, so I got out my cell and started texting just to distract myself. It didn't work so well.
My wife and I ate there many times, as she did with my son and daughter.
The omelet arrived and I asked for a container and then had to explain about my Bypass surgery.
I ate a small piece and sipped some more coffee, but not a lot. The home fries were burned just the way I liked them. But, the emotions got to me and I had to get out of there.
I had a twenty dollar bill with me, and I don't think they take plastic, so I went to the cashier and paid for my meal with my container.
The lady gave me a ten and a one for change. I left the ten on the table and got out. I cried all the way to the car, and then left as quickly as I could.

I started watching the movie and was amazed by the clarity of the picture. I said this out loud to Donna in case she couldn't read my mind.
The movie was very graphic with lots of foul language, but it was all in the context of the movie. I looked away because things were so graphic. I could feel the pain they were inflicting.
Other than the graphics, the movie was predictable and a bit boring. I had seen movies like this that followed the patterns of others.
About an hour into the movie, the machine froze. The movie actually stopped playing. The scene stopped and the TV became a picture.
Donna was watching the movie with me, and she wanted to let me know she was there.

Channeling Buford T. Justice

I thought about writing something in my blog, but, I didn't do it. I really did think about it, but, I didn't do it.

I thought about writing about my ordeal. That is, the aftermath I am facing with the death of my wife.

• The hassle of the paperwork.
  
• The worries about what to do next.
  
• The appointments with two lawyers.
  
• Trying to find an accountant.
• The piles of documents I have collected since February that I have to sort through in order to meet with the lawyer on Wednesday.

I thought about writing about the money woes, and how I am proud of myself for not letting those woes take me down.

But I didn't.

I thought about writing about my progress or lack thereof with the cleaning of the house.

I thought about trying to find some words of wisdom that would (maybe) help someone that is reading this.

But, I didn't.

I thought about writing about my walks, and my lack of exercise which is holding me back.
I thought about writing about the soreness I have been feeling physically that is from the mental stress and strain.

But, I didn't.

And while I thought about writing, I was actually doing something else.

It has been so hard to drag myself off my butt to do anything. Not because I am fat, but because of the stress. I want it all to be over soon. Once I get up and moving, however, I am able to do quite a lot of work.

I still feel like I'm running on auto-pilot rather than doing things I want to do. Hopefully, this feeling will fade and I'll start to live again. Right now, my heart is still broken.

I had some help this past Friday cleaning out the darkroom that we have been using as storage for years. I figure if a box has not been opened for 20 years, it is safe to throw it out.

I can hear the crowds yelling that I should look in the boxes in case there is something there of value.
I did that.
I took things out that I thought needed to be archived. That is, stored in a box again for another 20 years.

The rest I bagged for trash.

My friends used string to tie up books that I am putting to the curb for trash. They also helped me bag stuff. I think we gathered about 10/45 gallon bags. Oh, I gave away about 200 romance novels. There were some things the kids found that they wanted, and I gave it them.

When we finished, about 80% of the room was emptied. The other 20% will be re-boxed and given to the archives. I will not keep them here. The archives are at a relatives home. They have lots more room.

As I clean, I think about whether I want to stay here or move into a more comfortable place. I go back and forth. The battle is whether I want to maintain what I have here, or make a total break from the past and move on.

It's easy to say "move on". It's much harder to actually do it.

I got rid of lots of stuff. I still have lots of stuff. I would like to keep some of it, and lose the rest. I have an emotional tie to all that stuff. I am very lucky to be able to have the chance to make my own decision. If the place burned down, I would lose that choice.

Today, I will gather as many old photographs as I can and put them in shoe boxes that I have saved. That way they will be easier to sort and look at. I have photo albums of all different sizes that I will leave alone. They are glued in some sort of order. The photos are stored in 3 places around the house. I will bring them together and start sorting.

Or, maybe I'll do it tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I will start sorting the paperwork I need for the lawyer's meeting on Wednesday. He will be helping me to sort through the near future dealing with pension and insurance money.

Sometime this week or maybe next week, I will meet with a designer to see how much a kitchen and bathroom makeover would cost.

I am also working on my guitar amplifiers and speakers to figure out what to sell.

Thursday evening, I will take as much of the trash down to the curb as I can. I still have a long way to go. But, I am moving forward.

Anyone wanna help?

walking

In the hot, humid summer, it's no fun to walk.
In the bitter cold of the winter, it's no fun to walk.
But, every once in awhile, the weather is just right.
I found that there are more of those "just right" times in the early mornings just before dawn. It is usually calm, cooler, and less humid than other times of the day. At least it is here in manure country.
In other parts of the country, you need to watch out for bears. Here in manure country, at this time of the morning, you need to watch out for skunks. You can almost smell them above the aroma of manure and sludge.
I have been under an extreme amount of stress lately. My wife died on August 14, and the sheer amount of personal emotions are surrounded by the stupidity of paperwork in all of it's modern variations.
The powers that be won't allow me to grieve. They want to make my life as miserable as possible because it makes them feel better.
Sometimes, I want to go postal on them. But, I won't. I wouldn't know who to shoot, and I can't shoot them all.
So, for the past month or two even before my wife died, while she was in the nursing home, I have been sleeping lousy. My patterns are all messed up, and I need my patterns!
I get up around 2am. and can't get back to sleep. Sometimes, I go back to bed around 5:30 and sleep until 8:00am. Not a good pattern for me.
I have been taking naps for years. I love my naps. Now, I need them more than ever.
This morning, I got up at 3:00am, and got dressed in my workout clothing.
I gathered up an extra bag of trash and took it to the curb.
I made breakfast and sat and watched TV for one episode (I am now caught up).
Then, I went out and took a walk.
The temperature was 55 or so. There were no clouds, and no breeze.
My gear consisted of my cell and blue tooth, tube of glucose tablets, house key, and flashlight.
I have many different paths I can take. I just got two new pair of walking shoes. One looks like sneakers, but has a wider base that is flatter, so it's not easy to jog, but great for stability in walking.
My flashlight has a handle that allows me to carry it several ways. I pump the handle and it projects a beam of LED light that goes very bright and fades quickly. It does a nice job of attracting attention when cars approach. Otherwise, I walk in the dark. The roads are clean and smooth here with no real hazards for walking.
The route I take has been measured by me to be 4 miles round trip, if I follow the entire thing. There are variations which allow me to shorten the trip several times in each direction. Since I have had problems with low blood sugar, I have used the shorter route many times.
I also know distances for the shorter routes, although I rarely walk less than a mile.
I have found that if I breathe in a rhythm, that is, I breathe in cadence to my walking, that I tend to hyperventilate.
So, I walk in one rhythm, and breathe as normally as I can, slowly and deeply. I take deep breaths whenever I think about it, and stretch my chest, back, and shoulders to stay flexible.
I don't walk until just after I eat, usually about 20 minutes or more afterwords. My new pouch isn't a happy camper if I exercise right after eating.
The leg muscles pump the blood for the heart, giving it a break when you walk. The heart gets the chance to rest if you let it. This helps relieve stress.
The better shape you are in, the faster you can walk. I walk much faster now than I did three years ago.
The cooler air, and the clear sky felt like heaven to me this morning. I am now a bit more relaxed, although my paperwork problems are still here. I am also tired now, so I think I will go take a shower and try to get another hour of rest.

A list

This post has to do with my life.
Of course, I wouldn't be able to write this had I not had the WLS. I would have been dead sometime last year. I wouldn't have been able to be there for my wife these past 7 months.

So, I am making a list of things I want to do. It helps me to get it out of my head so I can see it. The voices in my head distort things, so if I get the ideas out, I can look at them while the voices are sleeping.

• I have to write. I believe I will need some type of solitude, along with simplicity in my life to be able to write. There are too many distractions in every day life. I have a house here with some rooms not being used. I may just seal one off from the outside world and just write from time to time.
• I have to play. I never really succeeded in writing the music that is inside my head. I need to do that. It's way past the time.
• I have to lose weight. Another 40 pounds would be really nice. But, I'll settle for.....40!
• I need to get back on the horse. Nuff said!

Others need me right now, but I have to start taking care of myself. If the world closes in and I have to go back to work, I will lose the last chance I have to reach my goals. I can't work at a real job without losing all my energy to it. I know this for a fact. I can either be creative, or I can work. I can't do both.

So, this is my list.

My bucket list is much different and doesn't involve creativity. I will write that list another time.

Monday, I go back to work as a school bus driver. I have to get my physical, and go to the driver's meeting.
Tuesday, I have to pick out a gravestone. I don't start driving officially until the 30th (I think), but I have to lay out my route and call my kids. The route and kids can change before then too. It's the worst part of the job. Once I get into the routine, I will feel better. For now, it's just stress.

Afterwards

It took me 57 years to get to this point. Oh, what I would have given to have this information and the ability to do something about it when I was young.

Mourning a loss of a loved one is rough.

I don't feel any better than I did last week, but now it's time to move forward again.
My wife is buried over by the park, and that gives me the excuse to walk over there instead of driving. (you see that water tower? She is just to the left, within view of the park).

I walked twice this week. It felt good, although the muscles and joints are sore from the ordeal of the funeral. I didn't lift anything. I didn't do anything physically stressful. I just stood for a few hours longer than I am used to.
Emotional stress is what I feel in my body.
Ouch!
Walking helps.

The paperwork after the ordeal is daunting.
I hate paperwork.
I hate not knowing what I have financially that will allow me to stay here in my home.
I hate not knowing what medical bills are going to sock me even though we have it all taken care of.
I hate not knowing what shape my credit is in.

How does this affect my weight loss program?
In every way imaginable, and some I never thought about.

• One tough one is eating for one. Up until a year before my WLS, I had a houseful of people, kids, you name it. Cooking in quantity was easy. You just piled it together and cooked. You never had leftovers. Nothing went bad because it didn't last long enough.

When I tossed the kids out, I was able to continue to cook. I made healthier foods and was able to eat leftover myself. I shoveled it in overate because of stress and guilt about throwing it away.
Now, there is just me.
What do I do with a bunch of bananas? I eat as many as I can before they get too ripe. That's not so bad because I can buy fewer of them. Same thing with apples, or other fruit. I just have to go shopping more often.
Preparing beef, chicken and fish are a bit more tricky.
Veggies too.
Shopping and cooking is time consuming and I have so many other things I need to do. The workload isn't shared anymore. If there is something on the floor, I have to pick it up.

• I used to look forward to eating out. Try doing that by yourself sometime. No fun anymore. You wait for the waitress, and then have to explain that you don't want anything to drink, even with the meal. Then, sitting at the table by yourself with no one to talk to while waiting for the meal is also no fun.

• I tried to force myself to go to the movies the other day. Couldn't do it.

• I have a goal to play my guitar, but right now, I am still in mourning. I just can't play. I am doing things in preparation for it, but I'm still not ready. I am not waiting for just the right time, as some have suggested. I am going to play again. I just need a bit more time.

• I can feel all of the things that kept me from getting to where I wanted to be by now in life. I can see them too. I haven't figured out how to get past certain things in order to do what I need, but... I'm working on it. 3 years ago, I was just getting ready to die.
• It's interesting to note that I've been taught by my Mom to not make waves. Waves cause problems, and I just shouldn't do things to cause problems. So, I just sort of go through life trying hard to not make waves. This caused problems too. Because I couldn't survive if it weren't for the waves. Yes, for the most part, I've been protected by not making waves, but, I also missed out on some things too. It's juts a matter of figuring out which waves to make in order to be able to swim and not drown.
  

I am right on the verge of breaking through now. It's been a long hard ride. I've done everything I know in order to keep things smooth. Now, it's time to let loose. I have been testing the waters and am finally feeling as if I can let go without losing myself.

I am working towards my future. But first, I have to mourn. I'm almost ready.....

A new day

I am exhausted.
If you follow me on Facebook, you know why.
If not, ask me.
Today, is day two of a new Day.
Between now and this day next year, I will lose at least 30 pounds, and maybe up to 40 pounds.
I plan to set up and follow a workout routine.
I plan to get out and see things and make up for lost time.
I plan to start eating properly.

But first, I must grieve.
Rest in Peace, Donna.
Thank you for reading my blog. I hope it helps you. It sure has helped me.

New stuff, new old ideas

• I bought some Chobani plain yogurt today. It was in a large container. I'm going to add chocolate protein powder to it and make pudding of sorts. Been thinking about that for awhile, but my old habits crept in and I had to force myself to go get it.
• I also bought more soy milk. By itself, soy milk is just like eating plain yogurt. If I had to choose between them or starving to death, it would be a really tough choice. So, I'll add stuff that is healthy and have at it. Of course, I have to hope it makes the stuff edible too. I paid for it. I might as well eat it.

I add 2 scoops of protein powder (do you need to ask what flavor?) to my Magic Bullet. Fill halfway with cold decaf coffee. Blend for a few seconds until everything is mixed. I found out it blends better when you put the powder on top of the coffee. Then, I get my big blender bottle and fill that halfway with soy milk. Add the bullet mix, one bag of sweet and low, and fill to the top with more soy, or coffee.
I found that if I use the blender with soy milk, I end up with whipped cream instead of blended protein powder. that would be fine, but I'm not looking for that.
I can sit outside on my favorite chair and drink this stuff forever. It tastes great, and satisfies my milk shake craving. I don't usually drink the whole thing in one sitting, and sometimes I will add more powder and liquid instead of dumping it out and starting over. I never stretch it more than a day, however, and I always refrigerate the leftovers.
I am working on doing some new recipes for chicken and fish and beef too. I'll let you know when I'm ready to receive them.

Back to life, back to reality!

I started to look for new things to eat, and new recipes to prepare.
I have been living on the frozen "steamer" meals and chili for 7 months now. (Actually, it's only been about 4 months.)
The steamer meals have a good mix of protein, veggies, etc. and are low in calories for the most part. I never eat the apple crisp that they have in some of the TV dinners. I do monitor the sugar content, but ignore the gluten, even though I shouldn't. Most meals have pasta. (this is only my problem, not yours, unless you are Celiac too)
But, I've been comforting myself too much with foods I should only have in small amounts.
I am going to go back to the Doctor on a month by month basis, as well as hitting the gym and seeing the dietitian to remember what I've forgotten.
I see a large problem in the system in that the 2+ year olds need to be reminded of things and they need a support group of their own.
The mind and body play tricks on me.
The mind wants to go back to the old days when things were so much better! It doesn't like to think about doing something new or having to think all the time about what and how to eat. It wants to go back to the old habits.
The body is perfectly willing to follow the mind's lead and start goofing off instead of working to feel better.
My wife of 34 years is dying. I challenge anyone to deal with WLS and that at the same time!
It's been over a year now that I knew about it. It's been 7 months that she has been in the hospital.
Damn, this is the hardest thing I've ever done. I think I'm doing OK, all things considered.
Now, after she is gone, I will not only go back to my diet in earnest, but I will be alone for the first time in my life.
So, I have a new challenge.
I'm not sure about anything.
Let's see what happens.
When I get some of the new food ideas collected, I'll include them here for others to see. If you have any ideas, save them until I can think clearly again. I do want to hear them, but not quite yet.

Just keep going

I got a positive cryptic message from our oriental friends along with the typical "come on" to go to a spam/junk website. At least they are trying.
I have been starkly honest on this blog. I have written things I maybe shouldn't have written. Maybe, it wasn't politically correct. Maybe, it offended some.
Tough Shit!
If you don't like what I write, don't read it!
This blog and it's concepts have been so cathartic, and beneficial to me. I have enjoyed writing it. I have experienced emotions that I had kept inside for years, just because of this blog. It's good to get rid of some of them.
I opened my soul here, and I felt something.
-------
My wife is dying. She is getting ready to give in, not give up.
There is a difference.
Her way, as long as I've known her, is to keep on going and not make a decision until there is not other choice.
I don't like that, but, her lack of choice, is her choice.
She is now to the point where she can't breathe freely anymore. Her body is failing her to the point where the pain meds aren't working.
Does this sound like you?
Do you keep going until there is no choice left?
Or, do you give up too easily?
I believe that there is a place in between those two extremes where everyone should be. My wife is all the way over to the one side. She is not making wise decisions. She isn't making any decisions. In all the time I've known her, she has always been like this.
She can't get rid of anything. She has to keep everything because she believes she might need that something, or she might be able to reuse it, or repair it.
As a result, I am cleaning the house for exercise, and wow, what an exercise it is.
Now, it's too late for her to change, and I never expect her to change.
That's OK.
I still love her. I always will. Just because she does things I think are wrong, doesn't change the way I feel. I have no idea why, and I will not analyze that, no matter what. I won't question love. It's too rare to question and take a chance on losing it.
That's my fault.
So, obsessive behavior is good, in moderation. You can go overboard with some things, and you will pay for them, but, it's OK.
I don't think I'm making any sense here today. I'm just writing and free thinking to get my head clear enough to be able to function for another day.
I am pretty upset by the situation, so I need to vent in any way I can short of going postal, which I don't think I would do. (unless they outlawed conservatism!)
The past few weeks, I've been getting up at 2am and going back to bed around 6am. I have these moments of insanity around 2am. If I happen to wake up to go to the bathroom, my brain is in a defrag mode at that time and is handling all the crazy stuff at that time. So, I can't get back to sleep and I go into overtime.
As a result, I am tired, and run down. I'm positive that once my wife dies, I will grieve, then recharge and start over. Then, I will start to sleep more normally.
But, when I have a conversations with my wife like the ones I've been having, my sleep and other patterns will not work very well.
I am lucky that I don't have to work over the summer. I wouldn't want to be dealing with the kids or traffic now.
------
I gained 7 pounds since my last weigh in back in January. I expected that. I will lose that weight and much more when I start over in a few weeks.
My other numbers are all good, with minor problems which will also be corrected.
For the first time in my life, I feel like I will be able to conquer the weight loss problem for the second time because of my surgery. The team has offered to help me and I am accepting, after my wife dies.
I have plans for the future that I believe I can achieve, again for the first time in my life.
Unless something unforeseen happens that I have no control over, you will see a whole new me next year.
In the meantime, I feel like a senile old man, and there is a sadness that is threatening to consume me. I will embrace that feeling, and throw it away when it's over.
I won't hold onto it, because I will have no use for it, when it's over.
Stand back, I take big steps!

A test

God was testing me the past two days.

I don't know if I passed or failed. I imagine it doesn't much matter.

It's been 6 months since my wife has been home. She left without looking back, and even though she still looks at this as her home, she will never again set foot in it.
We have lived here since 1992.
I've tried to make this our home and not a museum for her dead parents.
Yesterday, I realized that she had been away from the house for 6 months (as stated above). She went into the hospital on February 8, 2010, and is now in a nursing home.
That thought hit me pretty hard.

This was our home.

Now, because of her illness, this is my home.
If I am allowed to keep it, it will continue to be my home.
I can do anything to it, within reason of course, that I want.
I don't have to compromise. I don't have to argue. I don't have to do anything that I don't want.

I like that. I also hate it. It hurts so bad.

Before the storm hit yesterday, I was on my way home from BJs wholesale club. I bought my stock of Chobani Yogurt, and other stuff.
I always, always, always, hesitate to buy something I want but don't need. yesterday was no different. I decided I wanted another 6 foot table so I could set up more stuff. I have a lot of stuff that I am working on, and wanted the table space. I could have done without and just moved stuff around, but this way I would be able to go from one task to the other without moving anything.
I know I should have saved the money, but, I've been holding back for so many years, that I am just letting go.
Donna always told me to "wait" until I finished this before doing that. Or, to wait until this happened so that I could do that. I could never, ever do it now.

So, now, I bought music equipment I didn't need, but wanted. I am going to enjoy using it all, but I really could have done without. But, it made me happy, and I want to be happy. I am so lonely and sad right now.
So, this tree coming down yesterday was a sign from God to me.
I was being tested.
I was awake at 2am. last night, and I prayed.
I prayed for my wife. She has been comfortable for the most part, but has been getting slowly worse. I prayed some more for her.
I know I will be taken care of. But, I needed to make sure she was taken care of.
Sometimes, I feel like Job. But, I don't think I'm that important for God to even take notice of me.
After I prayed, I thanked God for all my blessings.
My kids and grand kids.
All the toys I have been allowed to have.
The air conditioned house I am allowed to call mine.
I am worried about the future. I can't afford to live here or anywhere on what I am making driving school bus, so I have to do something else.
I want to play my guitar and sing, but I don't know if I can do that and succeed. I don't need to be rich and famous. I just need to make enough to pay the bills and have some left over for a vacation every once in awhile.
Oh how I need a vacation.
So, the tree guy will come over later today and chop up the branch that fell, and remove the debris. I can afford what he is charging. It was so reasonable. I hope he lives up to his promise and does the job right. So far, I've been blessed to find good people who do good work.
I asked him to come back at the end of the summer and I would pay him to take the rest of the tree down. There are parts of the tree that will surely damage the house with the next storm.
The test? I think God wanted to see if I was crazy enough to try to take the branch apart myself instead of doing the things I really needed to do but have been putting off. If I had tried, I probably would have hurt myself. I am stronger now with the WLS, but I know my limits.


Now, you can see some of what I am going through. If I can do this and survive, you can too. Don't lose faith. If you get stuck, just stop and count your blessings, and then get back up there and continue the journey.