Protein drinks from my viewpoint.

You could say, I'm hung up on this picture. OK, I'm sorry.
The summer thunderstorms have hit, even though it's not summer.
I went to see my wife last night and almost didn't make it home. I was tired. My end of year schedule has me driving early dismissal for one school but not the other. So, I put in about 30 extra miles, and I miss my afternoon nap. I get up at 4:30am every morning, and have been missing sleep for awhile. I end up waking up around 2 and can't get back to sleep. My afternoon nap is usually what saves me. So, I was grateful to not run over anyone and not fall asleep behind the wheel at 8:30pm. That's a long time for an old man like me to stay awake.
I slept well through the night and awoke around 6am this morning. I felt better too.
I have a busy schedule this evening. One that I wouldn't have had if I hadn't lost the weight. I remind myself of this obsessively so that I never forget how far I've come.
This morning, after going to the park to make sure my equipment was set up, I went over to Ollie's Outlet to pick up a kitchen table with chairs, and a universal TV remote. My wife's remote fell and when they reloaded new batteries, it wouldn't work. I tried looking up the codes online, but didn't find them. So, I paid $4.00 for a new one.
Now, after getting the table, I headed straight for the nursing home, thinking I would be lucky to get everything finished this morning. My wife would have TV again, and I would see her once more and still be able to get home and maybe assemble the table and chairs.
Not to be.....
The damn remote didn't work. I tried everything I could think of to no avail. The batteries work, I checked them. The remote didn't. Now, I have to take it back to Ollie's, and my wife is without again.
I downloaded the old remote's manual since I now have the codes for the TV, and will try again with that. I know it works because the lights work on it, so all I have to do is follow the instructions to reload the code....I hope! In my younger days, I would have ridden up there after my gig tonight and then drive home. I'm not as stupid as I used to be. I'll do it tomorrow.

The storms are going to move through right about the time I start playing for the Teen dance tonight. We have been lucky to get rain the past 3 days, without too much wind, lightning, or damage. the areas around us weren't so lucky. Our number will be up sooner or later. I'm going to try to remember to carry a flashlight. I'm going to call the others to remind them too.

What does this have to do with protein drinks?
Nothing. I'll write about them int he next blog which will be titled "My Friday and Saturday".

Almost finished with school

The school year is winding down, and my next step in my weight loss plan is about to begin.
I am excited and scared at the same time.
This will be the first time in my entire life that I will be making decisions, life changing decisions on my own.
My wife is still in the nursing home, but is no longer active in my daily life. She is in her own little world and seems happy.
So, I have been collecting things in the house, and throwing things out. I have been cleaning, and getting ready to paint. I have been giving things to others so I don't have to deal with them anymore. De-cluttering is the correct term for today's world, and that is what I am doing.
Damn, it feels good.
I have trouble walking away from it, or taking time off, however, and I need to recharge a lot more now because of the stress of seeing my wife slowly deteriorate and die.
So, even though I want everything NOW, I still have to take it slowly and one step at a time. I hate that!
One good thing, is that I am getting practice being alone. My kids have kept their distance in coming home. I have gone to see them, or met them at the nursing home, but they haven't come here. That means I can leave things for later if I have to. I work as a typical ADDer, that is, I go here and there multi-tasking, rather than staying in one place for too long.
So, I have a dozen projects in the process at one time. I finish one and go on to another, but I still leave things and go on and on.
I don't think I'll need a dumpster now. I was going to order one and fill it up, but I think I can take things to the dump myself a bit at a time. I should also be able to take bags down to the curb over the summer and get rid of most of it that way. It's amazing how much space opens up when you organize things.
Just to re-hash, my wife has been saving things since we got married. We have moved 6 times in 34 years. Each time, we took more and more stuff. I was thinking of asking the Smithsonian to throw away all those old worn out airplanes so I could display all the stuff we accumulated, but I'm not sure they would be happy about that.
I began to realize that my wife was a hoarder after I had to move out of the bedroom closet a few years back. My stuff just wouldn't fit anymore.
Over the past two months or so, I have been gathering my wife's clothes and bagging them. I use 45 gallon black plastic trash bags. I have thrown away about 5 bags of clothing that was worn out, or damaged. Yes, I went through everything.
Every pocket had a tissue in it. Every single one. I filled an entire kitchen trash bag with tissue.
I won't go into too much more detail, but tonight I finished collecting everything and brought it all out to the living room. All of her clothing.
19/45 gallon bags covered the couch, in front of the couch on the floor, on both side of the couch.
Wow. This pile of clothing is not who my wife was. She is a good person, with a kind heart. I don't know the reason for the hoarding, but I'll take it with everything else she brought along with her. It's just time for me to move into my next phase and that is what I'm doing. I am looking at this pile and thinking about my mortality and what I want people to see of me when I die. I don't want them to have to do what I'm doing, so I will be planning accordingly. It's a healthy catharsis, that consisted of all 5 step of grieving.
I have to wait until things are over before I take them to Goodwill, but there are some poor people who are going to have some great clothing. Some of it has never been worn. Some of the suits are almost brand new. The socks are already gone. I gave them to a family member.
So, this is all part of my plan to lose weight and start a new life. I'll write more...

Insomnia

Every once in awhile, I can't sleep.
I am usually smart enough to stay in bed, because sometimes, I am actually sleeping and don't know it. Also, the mind and body still rest, even though I am not sleeping as such.
So, I thought I would write in my blog to see what comes out of my fingers, instead of trying to sleep.
First, off, I went to bed at 7:30pm tonight because I was exhausted and couldn't keep my eyes open. I figured I could use a full night's sleep, and even if I woke up early, I would still get my night in.
Wrong!
I woke up around 9:30pm and haven't been able to go back to sleep.
I got up and checked my email. I surfed Face book. I also have a site that I like to read stories and I thought that might help.
Wrong!
So, around 11pm, (it's 12:55am now), I got up and surfed the channels on TV.
I haven't seen Saturday Night live in some time, and I found out I wasn't interested after a few seconds.
I found some really bad movies, and a TV show about Piranhas eating people. The guy actually went into the pool with the fish and they didn't touch him. I guess you only make that mistake once, huh?
Then, I got hungry, so I made some oatmeal with a banana since I had eaten nothing but high protein meals today in an effort to start to change my diet. That filled me up, so i went to lay back down. I am still awake.
I am not worried, because this only happens once every few months, and since I have had an awful lot of stress lately, I guess I need this for some reason.
So, I will go lay back down after I finish this and will spend the rest of the night staring at the lights, or whatever I do when I can't sleep.
I am working on a total remake of my food intake, including changing out my breakfast meal. I have been eating way to little protein and too much carbs, so that is not a good start to my day, and I need to change it. Oatmeal, and yogurt have too much of the wrong stuff.
My Chobani actually has sugar added. I didn't realize it until last week when I reviewed the label. I had thought the sugar content was from fruit added, but I was wrong. So now, until I can find a substitute, I will not mix the yogurt, and only eat the top portion of it, and leave the fruit on the bottom. I know the fruit sometimes gets mixed in, but Chobani is pretty thick, so it will only be a little bit of sugar.
The oatmeal is sugar free or reduced sugar, which really isn't that much better than the full on sugar oatmeal. I have been eating this combination since I stopped eating eggs about a year ago. I got tired of eggs, and quit. I still have them from time to time, but not as a staple. I will re-examine that.
I also eat the oatmeal as a way to increase my fiber intake. It is gluten free, so every bit of fiber helps. I may start mixing my own fruit into plain oatmeal and plain yogurt, but use them during the day as a substitute for salad dressing, or whatever.
I know when I come home after my shift around 8am., I have a real hard time if I don't get some food in my right away, so I think the extra sugar is messing up my system.
On a related note, I have my blood test and scheduled checkup with the Bariatric team in July, so I will have a new diet plan figured out by then to present to the dietitian. It's time I did some adjustments anyway so I can start to lose the next 40 pounds.
The weather has finally improved enough so that I am spending more time outside, and getting more exercise.
I plan on starting my own business (gee, already my mind is wandering) and need some help to do that. I hope to be able to use the business to make enough money to be able to live, and to stay in a warm climate so I will be able to exercise by doing things, instead of being chained to a treadmill all winter inside.
I plan to be able to head South for the Winter and come back North for the Summer.
OK, I can't wait to re-read this after I catch up on my sleep. I can't imagine if I am making sense or not.
Oh yeah, I wanted to comment on my fellow WLS explorer. Barry Atric's blog comment. He hasn't been making entries into his blog for awhile because things haven't changed too much recently. I thought about what he said, and realize that in order to maintain weight loss for life, that the surgery has helped me to do, I have to keep re-inventing the wheel.
I have to continue to make changes, and adjustments, in order to not become complacent and start to regain the weight.
So, I will do my best to keep this fresh and continue to post as much as I can. I may start to sound like a broken record, but it's my blog and I can do what I want.
Night Night.....

Thursday

I am so consumed with grief, and frustration, that's it ever so hard to concentrate on WLS and food.
My wife is still dying in a nursing home. They just cut her physical therapy and she is complaining about things that we can't do anything about.
I try to talk about pleasant things, and keep it light because that's what she seems to want.
But, the world keeps on turning.
I have been working in the house when I can, but since my sleep has been affected, I am walking around like a zombie. I am still positive that I will survive this, but I'm still in the process, and I want it all to be over.
I have mapped out a plan to paint the entire house this summer, as well as selling the one car. I also plan to make some improvements as cheaply as possible within my limited income.
I am going to play my guitar for money again, but I don't know when that will happen.
Since my ADD has thrown some interesting monkey wrenches into my life, I am going against all of them and making a schedule that I plan to follow.

• I will practice 4 hours a day. This includes finding songs to do, writing them down, lyrics and chords. I also want to try to improve my playing so I can do some old style Jazz chord melody pieces. I love that type of music, and want it to continue for years to come and not be lost.
• I plan to schedule exercise and keep to the plan. I may go to a club, but will probably stay at home in the beginning.
• I plan to follow a daily schedule, not a long term schedule. I can get lost in the large chunks, and want to keep things small so I don't feel overwhelmed.
• I plan to take a course of study. I haven't decided what yet, but I am going to further my education.
• I plan to socialize.
• I plan to find new foods, and ideas to further my weight loss. All of the above will be part of the quest to reach my goal weight of 155. I may never get there, but I am aiming towards it.
• I plan to take vacations. I haven't had one in, in, well I haven't had one. Vegas, here I come.
  

So, it's now time to continue my cleaning out of the house. I have to bag more clothing, and move stuff from the bedrooms to the basement so I can paint.

Honest to goodness Post!

There is a place here in Central PA called "Shady Maple". The owners have developed it into not just a restaurant, but a destination for tourists and locals who like food.
There is a country style market there, as well as a furniture store, RV store, and a Smorgasbord eatery. They also have regular meals served there too.
WLS patients all know and used to love all you can eat places. You could load up a plate in such a way as to look like you aren't eating that much, and then go back as much as you wanted. The exercise you got from getting up from the table defeated any extra weight gain you might incur from the 5,000 calories you consumed.
So, someone at Shady Maple decided they needed to bring more people into their business.
They started a campaign to give Bariatric post patients a discount in order to accomplish this.
1st year, they offer a 50% discount
2nd year, a 10% discount
After that, you pay as everyone else does.
Sounds good on paper, except for a few things:

1. They interviewed Dr. Brader on the news about this idea (My favorite surgeon). He thought it was really stupid because all patients know that this is the type of place they avoid like the plague after their surgery. I didn't like them in the first place, but that's just me. Shady Maple wasn't happy about that.
2. I really don't know any Bariatric post people who are lured by this type of campaign. We know better.
3. Are they envious of our success and are they trying to sabotage us? Or do they have a WLS relative that they are trying to sabotage?

There are still a lot of fat people out there who love that type of eating. More power to them.
But, if you are interested in losing it and keeping it off, as well as being healthy for life, well, need I say more?

Sunday blues

I finished everything food wise, yesterday. Today, I worked some more on the kitchen clean up. I took stuff out, and cleaned the floor, cabinets and microwave.
Things got boxed, and bookcases got moved out. There is room to move a bit now.
I feel better, although it still comes with mixed feelings because the stuff I threw out or stored belonged to both of us and our 34 years of being together.
My wife could never throw anything out. There are coupons from years ago. I found a whole can of Lipton tea mix that has never been opened. It expired back in 2006! I didn't see it although it was one of those huge cans because it was hidden behind some piles of recipes taken out of the newspaper. They were hiding it so well.
The floor had dust bunnies that were huge. I found leftover food, dog food chunks, paper, lids, you name it.
I feel better knowing that the floor has been cleaned. The old stuff has been cleaned and taken out so I can now move through the kitchen again.
I still have to go under the counter and I'm not looking forward to crawling around on the floor to reach whatever is hiding down there.
I accomplished a lot today and would not have been able to do it two years ago.
I also went over to Chuck E. Cheese to see my grandkids playing. I hate that place. It's so loud.
I managed a trip to Home Depot too and bought rain gutter covers to keep debris out. I will climb the ladder carefully, and install them in the next day or so. If i go to see my wife tonight instead, I'll do it tomorrow.
I will have to cut the grass tomorrow no matter what. The rain has just slowed down and hopefully is finished. The grass is growing like crazy. I need lots of energy.
I want to play my guitar, but my heart is still broken and I am still stuck. I now understand why musicians and artists need a benefactor. Someone who pays their keep so they are free to work on the music or art. It's the only way I think. Otherwise, I would spend the rest of my life just keeping up with all the stuff that needs to be done.
Oh, and I'm lonely. There are whole days that go by now that I don't speak to anyone in person. that's strange.

Carried away

OK, so yesterday I wrote that I wanted to save money by fixing meals and freezing them. I wanted to make it easy to eat so I didn't have to worry about portions and cheating because I didn't have something ready when I needed it.
So, I made some more chili today. I call it chili, but it really is just a combination of foods that I need in proportion so that I can portion it out quickly.
Today's "chili" got carried away. Or should I say, I got carried away.
I have been buying 2 pound containers of ground beef from the local market because 1 pound just isn't enough for the amount of chili I make.
I also thawed out 4 large hot Italian sausage links. I cut the skins off the links and break the insides into small blobs. They aren't balls because I don't round them off.
I drop them into hot water and boil it down until they are tender and well cooked. I also add seasoning as I see fit.
I like my chili hot, so I cut up two very nice Jalapeno peppers and added them to the ground beef while cooking.
I used chicken broth to cook the beans. I also added spices to the bean mixture.
Now this time, I used two bags of beans. The red kidney beans were joined by some black eyed peas (I got a feelin...).
So, I added 8 cans of tomatoes, and all my other stuff.
And, I realized I had too much to fit into the huge crock pot I have.
Ooops.
So, did I have enough energy and goop to make two batches?
Yes to both questions.
I brought out a Stock pot, and used up the rest of my canned tomatoes, and made a second batch.
One batch was the ground beef, and the other was the sausage.
Now my chili is made with WLS in mind. It is very heavy in protein. It has no artificial stuff in it. No sugar, except what comes in the tomatoes. I add salt and other flavorings, but they are all approved for my diet.
If I eat it every day, I am still OK. If a normal person ate it, their arteries would probably harden and they would die within a week. Not really, but who wants to take a chance?
So, I finished up my two batches and since I already had 6 quarts stored from last weeks batch, I ran out of containers.
Oooopppps, or did I say that already?
I headed out to the grocery store and picked up 10 new containers.
So now, I have 16 quarts of four different kinds of chili to eat for the next few months or so. I don't have them marked, but I know which is which and since I made them in order to save time and money, I'll eat them. Even if they aren't the greatest, I will still eat them.
And, as soon as this current situation is over, I will go back to losing the rest of the weight that I promised myself I would.
In the meantime, I'm happy.

Cheap Lee

I've been working on ideas since my wife has been sick. Since I am here alone and she won't be coming home, I have begun to collect and throw and clean stuff out.
Tonight, I gathered up all the bags of seasonings for soups, salads, goulash, etc. and threw them out. Some of them walked to the trash themselves.
If you look at the seasoning mixes, you will find 2 or 3 main ingredients.

• Sugar
• Salt
• MSG

I have been eating a lot of steamer pre-cooked meals. Most of them are pretty healthy, although not as healthy as if I had made it from scratch. Most of them also have pasta of some sort.
Mostly all pre-made meals in the supermarket have pasta in them.
Since I am not supposed to be eating pasta, I have to stop using them.
I ate them because of ease of preparation since I've been very stressed and tired from the situation.
Hence, my idea:
How about, I purchase a large quantity of gluten free pasta from the local SKH or maybe online?
How about, I prepare the pasta after planning a similar meal to the steamers in a much larger quantity?
How about I start storing them in the freezer in quart size containers so I can take them out a day or so ahead of time, and split them up into 3 meals?
I can have 3 different containers of food, and mix them so I am never bored!
Now the pasta is not cheap. It isn't the best tasting either. I don't know how it will work if it is frozen and thawed. I will have to experiment.
I was thinking that if I found a really good recipe, I could prep a whole pile of different meals and maybe store them so I wouldn't have to cook for a month or more.
This would save time and money for me and help me to maintain my weight.
My goal would be to see how long I could go between cooking sessions. The more i make, the more time between sessions.
Since the stuff is frozen, and will last a long time, I can still take a night off to eat outside the home now and then.
Gee, ain't I smart?

All about me, and what I am planning.

My thanks to Larraine for letting me know that someone is reading the blog.
I am very self centered right now. It's all about me and will continue to be until I lose my wife. I'm sorry if someone is not being helped by me. I only have so much emotional energy.
I have fallen back into my old habits and am fighting to overcome that.
I have gained a few pounds, but have stayed with my diet for the most part.
Now, after seeing a counselor and getting ready for something other than related to my wife's situation, I feel as if I'm making progress again.
I am trying to organize myself so I don't feel so overwhelmed.
I feel as if I have way to much to accomplish. Here's a list of some of the things I am working to finish.

• I have a Honda helix that died. I haven't bothered to take it apart to find out what is wrong. It may be something simple, but I no longer trust it to take it on a long hard ride. I would like to replace it with a bigger bike. I miss the freedom of the open road.
• I have a ton of stuff on the porch that I want to get rid of. I have a couch that fell apart and it isn't something that I would feel good about selling it or even giving it away. I want the whole porch cleaned up. It looks terrible.
• The house has been divided into rooms. I made a series of cards. When I get time and don't know where to start, I can go to the cards and pick one to work on. This helps.
• The yard is a mess. I cut the grass and am starting to make progress with the trimming. I have several circle gardens that need to be cleaned out, but I don't have the time for them yet. I will get them done. I have toyed with the idea of paying someone to do the work, but don't really want to spend the money.
• I have been trying to find the time to play my guitar. I have picked it up a few times this past week, and plan to do more very soon. But, I need lots more guitar, and lots less other stuff.
• Finances are scary here as they are many other places. I've never been good at money matters. Advice is futile to paraphrase the Borg. I need someone who knows how to work the system. I have money coming in soon, and I know it could work for me. But, I don't know how to talk to it.
  
• Routine maintenance. The cars both need work. The garage door needs to be fixed. The driveway needs to be redone. The sidewalk is sinking and it's way too high to get into the house. The bathroom and kitchen need to be replaced and updated. The whole house needs to be repainted. Other than that, I have a whole 40 foot container worth of stuff to get rid of.

The neat thing, is that I'm actually making progress. I really am. The main problem is between my ears. My brain is working overtime and it wants me to do everything now! I mean NOW! It's not happy to see things moving along steadily.
One of the things I learned about ADD is that there are two ways to do anything:

1. Follow a pattern and do things in order.
2. Just work where you are and keep plugging away.

For example: When I get to the end of a row on my lawn, I can turn around and go back the way I came (1. above), or, I can keep going around the corner and finish the next part since I'm already there (2.).
I've found that I still finish the lawn no matter which way I do it. However, with the second way, I draw a crowd. Everyone is taking bets on which way I'll go next.
I can do the same thing in the house.
I start in the living room, and take something to the basement where it belongs. Since I'm in the basement, I see something that has to be done there, and I do it. Then, I go upstairs and start something there.
It's really hard for me to stay in one room, or one place for the whole time I'm supposed to be there. So, I have been trying to do just that. It is harder for me mentally, because I have to concentrate, and consequently, I get worn out faster.

These are all things that I am working on. With weight loss, it is probably better for me to keep moving no matter what I do. I shouldn't work on being efficient as opposed to just getting the job done.

Take a chance on me

How many habits are you carrying around with you?
How about you try something for yourself?
I did, and it continues to work for me.
How many times do you do something because you've always done it? Or, you had to do it that way because you were fat?
Try to think about everything you do a certain way everytime, and try to change it.
For example, I put my shoes on a certain way everytime because I would get cramps and not be able to lift my leg for that long. Now, I can, so I put my shoes on a different way.
Did you ever start walking as if you still had the weight on?
Try walking a little faster for a few minutes, and you'll probably be surprised at how fast you can go.

Not a long post

I haven't been able to do much with the blog. I have been setting up my new laptop and transferring stuff over from the old one.
My wife is sick now too. The stress is incredible.
I got an email from a Post support group friend asking me if I wanted to buy some protein powder that another friend had from a store that had gone out of business.
I took her up on that and will buy about 10 pounds of the stuff. I hope I can store it and use it.
That should be enough to last me through the summer and into fall.
She also missed me at the support group meetings. I am going to a therapist and getting plenty of support now.
I didn't get that after awhile at the support group as I've said in another post.
I may go back after all this is over, but I'm not sure I will have time.
I have some big plans now that I'm not fat anymore.
Life will be good again soon.

209

That's what I weighed yesterday.
I was all the way down to 202 at one point, but haven't been able to beat the 200 mark yet.
I will.
If you read me on Facebook, or this blog, you know that my wife is in the final stages of Breast cancer. She will die from the side effects of the cancer, not the disease itself. Maybe it was mishandled, maybe not. I am not going to worry about it.
One of the side effects of the cancer is that it is affecting me.
I didn't think about her cancer before. I always thought that she would outlive me, so it never crossed my mind.
Now I visit her and see her going downhill and wondering if it will come to me to have to pull the plug, or if she will die peacefully in her sleep. I hope that they don't try to keep her alive. She has a living will, and I hope that's enough.
I feel the overwhelming sadness as a pain in my chest, or more like an emptiness. It gives me a headache. I clench my teeth.
Then, I want to reach for food. For something sweet that I'm not allowed to have.
My weight gain proves that I have reached for that comfort food every now and again.

It's a tough battle that I will be able to weather, but it sure isn't fun.
I want to curse and scream and sometimes I do. The house is solid, so no noise comes out. I scream sometimes when I'm alone in the car.

But, I am thinner, and alive. I am healthy, and not taking any medications. I think that that is the best part. No meds!
Any pill you take has side effects. Any pill you take has side effects!
Whether it is aspirin, or darvon. They all have them.
Statins made my joints ache so badly, that I felt as if I was dying.
Now, I can go up and down the stairs to the basement without holding on to the railing.
I have had episodes of low blood pressure. That is a feeling that I was going to pass out. I have to hold on for a moment and then the feeling goes away. It's usually right after I stand up too quickly. I didn't have to worry about that before because I couldn't stand up quickly.

I am looking forward to getting rid of the pain I feel inside. It's there all the time. Even when I sleep. I wake up around 2am every morning, and have to lay there and wonder if I am doing the right thing. At 2 in the morning, nothing seems like the right thing.
I was going to go see my wife yesterday, and I lay down to rest and woke up an hour and a half later. Then, I went to see her.
It's as if she is drawing her strength from me, and not leaving me with anything. I am worn out. But, I will survive, even without the piece of my heart that belongs to her.
So, all of this has hit me right after my bariatric surgery. Two years at the end of July!
I was prepared for the long hard climb after the surgery.
I wasn't prepared for this.
Let's see how I do....

Fat is thin

I noticed that I have to ignore all the super size hype.
I found that it is very tough to ignore.
Yesterday, I had the honor of MCing East Petersburg's first car show. I am part of the east Petersburg Day committee and have been MC and a whole bunch of other things for years.
It is a very long day.
I don't have the energy to prepare food ahead of time, plus the weather/heat make it almost impossible to preserve the stuff.
So, I have to make do with what I find.
Protein comes first.
I had a nice lady come up to me and offer me free pretzel samples. I had to say no because I am supposed to be following a gluten free diet. I could smell them 10 feet away and they were wonderful! Sorry, can't have them.
I had to push all the great food they had for sale.
Chicken corn soup.
Burgers
Sausage
Fries! Fries! and more Fries!
Ice cream
You name it, they had it. The aromas caused my arteries to harden! Ain't it great?
So, I got a gallon jug of distilled water the night before. I added two tubs of Crystal Lite ice tea, shook and chilled overnight.
I bought an extra large decaf iced coffee with sweet and low.
I drank like a fish.
I had one small hamburger (yes, I ate the bun). It had nothing on it. They use local beef with no additives, so it wasn't too bad.
Later in the evening, I got a half cheese steak. They use Swiss cheese, and local chopped steak. I also ate the bun. I paid for a full cheese steak and let them keep the change because they are working for charity.
I got the hamburger for free.
I didn't eat any fries, and I didn't have anything else the whole day, until I got home. I had some of my beef stew mixture with lots of veggies since I didn't have anything but protein and bleached flour bread with my liquid.
I have planned on doing more with country fairs and such, so I really need to work on my diet for those times. If I only go once a month, there is no real problem. I can supplement my diet once I get home.
If I do it every weekend, however, I'm going to have to do some real planning. I can't eat like that all the time.
Total calories were low as was protein, but I didn't get much fiber, and I will pay for that.
I usually drop a teaspoon of Benefiber in all my meals. It disappears and adds the fiber I need as a celiac.
I took a cold shower when I got home and gradually added heat. Boy did that feel good. I had to go back last night for the teen dance, so I wore myself out pretty good. I would have been dead if I was still fat.
So, I got to the park at 8:30am, moved sound equipment onto the stage, helped set up, played music and did announcing all day. I got home around 5:00pm, took a shower, ate, and went back around 7:00pm. I set up my equipment and played music from 8:30pm until 10:00pm. I then packed everything up and took it all home where I unloaded the car and stayed up another hour to make sure everything was away, neat and clean.
I managed to get a nap this afternoon to try to catch up a bit, but I'm still tired. I'm heading to bed after this is finished.
It's finished.
Life is good!

What I will do

I have been so lonely for years now. I haven't been able to talk to my wife because of her illness and her strong dislike for me. I also don't fully trust her.
All that will come to an end soon. She is slipping away from this world.
Monday, the Doctor will tell her that things aren't working out and that she is going to be transferred to a long term care facility to live out her final days.
This has been a long time coming. I write about it in my private blog, not for public consumption, but for me to blow off steam and to organize my thoughts.

So now, it's up to just me. The tough thing here is that:

1. I have this voice going on in my head. I listen to it all the time. It is usually squelched by the activity of interacting with others, mainly my wife. But, for the past few months, I don't have that squelching. My friends have had their ears talked off. I will talk about anything in an effort to not feel that loneliness and to quiet the voice. The voice isn't telling me to go postal or anything. It is just telling me to indulge myself much more than I should. Moderation in everything. My voice tells me to eat something to feel better. I have to do that because there is nothing else to do. Therein lies one problem.
2. I have to remember everything because there is no one to help me remember. I forget things a lot because of just being me. I forget things because of the stress of watching my wife die. I have to double check things a lot, and I misplace things more than I did. I am not obsessive....yet.
   
3. I get stuck. This is a real problem. I get stuck. I had to force myself to leave the house twice this week, just to get out. Other wise, I would probably have stayed in and done nothing but eat. I am still eating healthy, but I am eating more than I should. I am also exercising less than I should.

So, the plan is to get unstuck. I have taken action to do this. I started seeing the therapist. This not only allows me to talk about my problems, it gives me a chance to talk to someone other than the kids on the bus, or the lady at the drive in window at the Dunkin Donuts. (still drinking decaf, although I long for the thrill of caffeine!).

I am researching music equipment for my future. Music was my life before I met my wife. I stopped for awhile when my Mom died, and was just starting back up when I met Donna. She thought music was supposed to be a hobby, and the purpose in life was to work at a job you didn't like until you died. She got her wish. I didn't.

Music will be my life again.

• I need to get a new set of speakers for my outfit. I sold the old set a few weeks ago in order to downsize. The old speakers weighed in at 56 pounds a piece. Believe me after an evening of playing music, 56 pounds is very heavy. Much heavier than when I came in. The new technology has allowed the same size speakers to weight at least 20 pounds less, and put out more sound.
• I ordered a USB turntable. This baby was on sale for a super low price. This is way under it's real value. It will allow me to transfer my old record albums over to the computer. There is now software that will eliminate the scratches from the records, and I have a large external hard drive that is mostly unused for storage. I only have about 200 albums, and will only transfer what I want, so when I am finished, I will probably sell the turntable (I still have a good analog turntable in storage if I want to listen) and make some of my investment back. I tend to keep things in pristine condition, so anything I sell will have great value to anyone who buys from me.
• I will be borrowing a set of powered speakers from my good friend to try out for next weekend to see if they are what I want or need. I always get the best bang for my buck because I am obsessed and possessed. I know what speakers I want, but these are cheaper and I want to see if they will do the job. They are good speakers, but maybe not for DJ work. I'll find out for sure.
• I am going to get a decent bag to carry my guitar. I have a hard shell case now, but it doesn't have any storage space. I thought it was a good deal, but I was wrong. I will sell it or trade it if I can.
• I need to stock up on strings for my guitar and I need to start playing enough to justify buying a dozen sets or so at a discount. String usually last for about 40 hours of playing, and if I do what I want, I will need to change sets every two weeks.
• I need to update cables for the system. I have everything set up for non powered speakers. The powered ones need different cables. It gets complicated. Believe me. This is part of the fun of the business.
  

I am starting to organize my thoughts and clearing out the physical clutter in the house.
Whenever I feel down, I just stop where I am in the house and start cleaning it out. My kitchen cabinets are loaded with junk that I don't or won't ever use. It's a blast to bag the stuff and give it away, or just throw it out.
I have to go out and start getting things to improve the house. I need simple inexpensive things such as gutter toppers so I won't have to climb up and clean them out every time it rains. I also need a simple baffle to slow the water down. I have copper flashing (is that what it's called?) that allows the water to flow right over the gutter. If I install baffles, this will channel the water into the gutters during a hard rain. It will block some of the debris, but I can clean that up easily.

I want to "read" up (pronounced "red") the house a bit. I need to paint, change the locks, patch some holes, clean the carpet, etc.
This week, I have a guy coming over to install a radon mitigation system. This will channel the radon out of the basement. I have always suspected there was radon. We tested when we first moved in and the numbers went off the scale. I never retested or did anything about it. All of my wife's family died from various forms of cancer, and I wonder if the radon didn't have anything to do with it. This will solve the problem. I don't have cancer right now, so I may be lucky. I hope my kids don't have it. I know we lost many of our pets to a form of cancer, so who knows.
Anyway, this will help with resale value also should I decide to or be forced to sell.
There are expensive things that need to be fixed also around the house. I have been trying to keep up with them over the years, but I got behind a bit.

• I need to get a garden faucet installed. I actually would like two of them. One for the driveway, and the other for the back yard.
• I need to do something with the porch. It had very nice screen panels, but they have long since disintegrated. This turns the porch into a breezeway. A lot of wind goes through, like a wind tunnel. It gets strong there.
• I need a new walkway, and a new driveway. The macadam is cracked all the way up, and pieces are missing. The walkway is sunken so it's tough to get into the house because it's so low.
• The bathroom and kitchen are both original. The old pink tiles are worn out and need to be replaced. The appliance are good, but I would like to add a dishwasher and a decent work area so I can cook more. I can live with what I have for now.
• Landscaping. My son started the work and left it in the middle. I need to get it finished. I can do some of it, but there are things I will have to ask for help.
  
• I have this amazingly beautiful king size water bed. It was handmade just for us, but it is way too big for the bedroom. I need to downsize to a queen. I no longer have the water bed mattress. I have a California king mattress that is worn out. Too many sunken spots from years of wear. It wasn't supposed to last this long. I want to replace it with an adjustable airbed. Lofty dreams!

I figure all of this will take a few years and cost at least $5000.00. I will save money by shopping around, and doing most of it myself. Oh, did I mention tools and fixing the garage door?
I could go on and on, but for now, it's time to stop writing and start doing something.

Stewed to do

I tried to make my chili today, but realized I didn't have any beans. I thought I had a case of black bean, which I love, but I only had one can.
What I did have was 2 pounds of stewing beef cubes, cubed mixed vegetables in a huge bag, and lots of left over stuff in the closet.
I set up my mixed meals so that every bite has some protein in it.
This time, I had a few cans of Chicken of the Sea crab meat that I added.
I also added lots of spices.
Let me tell you, it was and is good.
Maybe you don't like the mix, but I sure do. And, I'll have enough to last me about 6 weeks in addition to the chili I still have.
I have one quart containers that I can split into thirds. One meal a day that I don't have to prepare.

A walker's tale

A fellow firefighter who served as president of the fire company for a bunch of years, retired. He had been with the company for years, and still is.
I don't know what he does or did for a living, but he seems to be retired from that job too.
Every year during the Christmas holidays, he decorates his home with all the latest gadgets. His is one of those places that takes days to decorate and there is not any space anywhere on his home or the lawn, that doesn't have lights, or something.
He has regular older stuff, and then whatever he can find that is new and exciting. The LEDs are really colorful. he also has a slide show on his wall. Lots of Santas, and Manger scenes, etc.
He was a bit on the hefty side when I saw him a few years ago, and I didn't recognize him when he walked past my house about 6 months ago. He had lost weight by walking. He and his wife like to walk together. He has lost 75 pounds by walking around our thriving metropolis of 4000 residents. East Petersburg is split down the middle by Route 72, which runs North and South. This split has produced a different series of homes. Its as if the builders used the Manheim Pike as a dividing line between the Hatfields and McCoys, without the feuding part.
There are mostly one and two story brick ranchers on our side, and slightly larger and older brick homes on the other. We have very few new homes, and they have lots of them.
Our rancher has about 1100 square feet and that is the norm for our side. The other side gets bigger, even though they are also brick.
All this variety makes it fun to take new routes to see new or old homes.
So, back to our walker.
How could he lose 75 pounds by walking?
Well, the technical details are that he changed the way he ate. He eats better, and healthier. He exercises by walking. If you walk 4 miles a day without changing your diet, the experts say you can lose a pound a week. 2 miles a day will not split into a half pound a week because you just aren't getting enough walking in to make a difference, although you will still lose weight.
So, he designed a course through the Borough and he follows it, with certain variations for a change of scenery. I know he can't walk through all the different weather we have had, but he still lost the weight.
Taking a break for a few days won't hurt until you start walking again due to lack of the use of those muscles. It will take time to get back up to speed, but it can be done.
He walks quite fast and seems to enjoy that. When I walk, I do it at a pace that allows me to breathe. I found that I can go faster than I did, but I won't power walk because to me that is defeating the purpose of walking, just like Golf!
When you walk, the largest muscles in your body are helping the heart to pump the blood. This gives the heart a break until you start pushing things hard, and then the two sets of muscles work together to keep things working. You heart and leg muscles are a team for the time that you need them.
That is probably one reason why people have heart attacks when they suddenly stop after a long hard walk. The leg muscles stop helping the heart and it gets overwhelmed. So, I guess you should slow down before you stop so the heart has a chance to catch up.
Now, I get to talk once more about my wife's situation. She and I used to enjoy walking, but over the years, she has had trouble with her lung capacity. So, she has slowed down and eventually stopped walking altogether.
She didn't gain weight because she ate like a bird because of her stomach problems, and the fact that her spine had sagged a bit causing her body to hunch over and stop the food from getting to it's destination. She got "full" too fast because of that.
Now, you connect the air intake reduction with the increased amount needed to help the muscles in the legs and heart to operate at an increased rate, and there is the problem. The system breaks down.
So, my thought about all of this is that while she has been immobile in the hospital since February, her body has been deprived of everything it needs to keep going. Add the cancer, and not so perfect medical technology to the mix, and you have eventual death due to inactivity.
My conclusion would be for the future patients to be forced somehow to walk. There is no need for intense exercise. The people just need to get walking.
My wife had a terrifying experience while she was in the hospital. This caused her to get quite excited. Her heartbeat went way up. Her breathing got to sprinting levels. The day after the scare, she was more alert than she had been before the event. It got the blood circulating, as they say (who are they?).
Now, the pain (my pain, not hers) I see when I look at my wife is unbearable at times. She has refused to do what she needs to do in order to move towards improvement. The amount of drugs they give her is amazing. Thank God she is not in pain. But, she has become so lethargic, that it hurts me to see her that way. Oh what I'd give for a decent argument with her. I would love to walk with her again.
Hey Doctors! Get her butt out of bed and force her to move. She would get better, I know it for sure. She may not survive, but at least she will live until she dies. Now, she is just a slab of meat with a brain.
There is a lesson here on many levels.

• The guy who lost weight by walking had the time to do it because he wasn't working. So, walking won't work unless you can juggle the rest of your life and force yourself to fit it in. If you are too tired from work, and taking care of your family, walking probably won't work. Your energy level will go up, but you probably won't be able to maintain it. If you are retired with not much else to do, this is a great way to lose weight and keep it off. Walk, or swim. As you age, it is not good to run because you are too likely to injure yourself and that will bring you down too quickly. I've always wanted to be able to run, but I will avoid it because of the chance for injury. Walking is just fine for me.
• Gastric bypass is a great way to lose weight and keep it off no matter what your daily situation. Even if you are working and taking care of the family, you can take the time off, get the surgery, and get back on the horse again. It becomes a chore to eat properly, but the surgery teaches you how to do it, and won't let you cheat unless you really work at it. My stress levels messed with me a bit, but I know I am eating better than I ever have, and I still get out there and work. The fatigue I feel is emotional and will go away with time.
• Activity is the way to stay alive longer when you're sick. Cancer patients should be forced to work out. Even if they invent machines that do the movement for you until you can do it yourself, it is better than just laying there. Any movement is better than no movement. I don't know why they haven't thought of this before. Maybe they have and I just haven't seen it.
• You have a much better chance of losing weight and keeping it off if you attack it from all sides. Mind, Body, and Spirit. Fuel, movement, and getting rid of the psychological baggage that brought on the problem in the first place. Tackle them all, and you won't need the surgery.

I believe I have the best chance of surviving because I had the surgery. My psychological baggage is being taken care of, and the emotional situation will resolve itself soon (sadly, I will lose my wife and best friend in the process).
I pray that this wisdom finds the right person who can use it to eliminate the problems my wife went through. The future looks good.
Life is good!

Cut ties!

Last night, I wrote a letter resigning from the support group steering committee and I told the WLS team that I probably won't be coming to support group meetings anymore.
I had taken a break because of my wife, but my missing the meetings allowed me to process information and make my decision more clearly.
I think the meetings served me well, and were needed up until now.
The problem I have is that I stopped being counselled and started counseling others.
I needed to sit and ask questions based upon my current progress. Instead, I ended up being asked the questions.
At this time in my life, I don't have the answers, or should I say, I don't have the energy to supply the answers.
So, I will re-adjust my life to get my answers elsewhere.
I have a counselor who is helping me to find a support system better suited to my needs, and this is just another step in my progress.
My wife is still taking the majority of my time and effort, but I will not give up my weight loss goals which will be reached within the next year, and continue for life.
This blog receives good feedback from folks both local and farther away, and I am trying to expand it a bit so I can receive even more feedback.
I admit that some of my posts have been repetitive, but I have very limited time right now.
Some of my goals for the near future involve much more physical activity, and a change of location at least for part of the year.
I look back at one of my goals and I still think about doing it anyway, even though I am forced to be very frugal until things resolve themselves financially. That goal is:
Buy a season pass to Hershey Park which is about 30 minutes away. That way, I can spend my time walking and watching people. I will take my camera along and take pictures, and get to know every part of the park.
I've had this dream to build my own amusement park, but never had the team to help me do it. I would need designers to make my ideas a reality, and business people to secure the funding for the build. I would need to buy the land, and so many other things. It would be fun and hard work at the same time. But, it would be nothing like the parks that are out there today.
I've been to a few amusement parks in my time, and have seen one that came close, but so far, I'm unique.
Going to Hershey would be fun and a learning experience. I would be surrounded by people and get my exercise all at the same time.
Oh well, maybe next year.

Running out of steam

I have this problem.
I get going full tilt in the morning. Then, I go all day. I run out of steam just about the same time every night.
It's not a physical energy problem, but a mental one.
I can walk, or do something as long as it doesn't involve interacting with people.
If I have something to finish, I can't do it. I just can't.
Now, I know why I can't finish, or interact.
I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of holding up my facade. I need to let it down and just be me.
I get up around 4:30am every morning, so by about 6pm, I've had enough.
It doesn't help that I live in a tourist area. Lancaster County is the home for the Amish sect.
There aren't just one group of them, but literally dozens of different versions of Amish.
They all have this one annoying habit and it wears me out as a Bus driver.
They all drive one horse buggies and I always get stuck behind them trying to maintain a schedule. I hate it.

They don't have licenses. But they tie up traffic and I swear they are reveling in messing with us "English".

So, the problem really isn't with the Amish, but with the fact that many of the native Lancastrians adopted their style of driving, and they also drive like idiots.
I hate it.
It wears me out.
Now, you should be able to tell about now, that I really don't have anything against any of these people. I have met quite a few of them and they are very nice for the most part.
I am writing this at 5:35pm, and I'm tired.
So, I'm letting myself go a bit and complaining about something totally outside my control.
I'm going to go see my counselor tonight at 6:30pm.
Can you imagine what I'm going to tell them?

Truth and...

I don't have the energy to edit this tonight. I'm typing on this little notebook that is so hard to get it right. My fingers are all over the place.
There are so many fat people out there now. I see them riding in their scooters all the time.
I see them riding the elevators when they could be walking the stairs like I do.
They are constantly looking for the easy way out.
I saw a young lady coming down the walkway with a greasy bag of fries. She was eating a burger while waddling and trying to stay upright. The fat was causing her to struggle for balance.
I used to be like that.
The truth is, there is something in food today that causes excessive increases in the appetite.
People can't even wait to get to a table before they are trying to shovel the stuff in.
I used to be like that.
I get my coffee every morning from Dunkin Donuts. I get the same thing every morning, so the lady at the window has it ready for me when I pull in.
I use the coffee as one of my many intakes of fluid. No calories, just a bit of caffiene, and flavor (it's decaf).
Is caffiene the culpret? No, but it could be.
So, is it sugar, salt, or some super secret hidden ingredient?
I don't know.
Maybe, it's a combination of lifestyle, food additives, brainwashing, and lack of willpower?
I was taught to finish everything on my plate because people around the world were starving. I had to finish whether or not I was still hungry. Heavy was better back then. But we walked more, we didn't watch TV as much. We were active. We burned off extra calories.
So, now we have another crisis.
For those of us who have found WLS, we are the lucky ones.
I wish we could find out what was causing the problems and fix them so that so many people wouldn't need the surgery.

I think I talked about this before, but....

I had a situation occur when I had reached my peak weight. I hated driving the Brush Bus, and I was trying really hard not to get upset. The situation at home was really bad (when wasn't it?) and I started sweating and got chest pains too. I know the signs, but it didn't feel like anything other than the stress, so I mentioned it to the dentist on the bus, and she went into a panic. They sat me down and took my BP which was a little high. Then, they forced me to drive to the hospital.
Anyway, I did the stress test, and even went back for an angiogram, where they stick the needle into the groin and shoot fluid into the heart to observe for abnormalities.
All test results were negative, and the angiogram was clear. They said my arteries were in great shape. I had expected to be told that I was dying because my Mom had died so young and I was right around her age.
They finally told me they think I just had a panic attack. I would usually deny that kind of thing, but I decided to think about it for some stupid reason.
I decided they were right. It was stupid for me to have an anxiety attack. I wasn't crazy, just stressed out because I really wasn't doing what I wanted, in any part of my life.
That was the time that I decided to start praying because there was nothing else I could do except walk away from my life.
So, I started out by yelling in the car, and yelling in the bus when no one else was there. I quit my job and went back to school bus driving, and felt better. Less stress (can you believe that?) and more recovery time, so I could start working towards a real future.
I bought stuff for myself without consulting Donna, and that made her mad, but I did it anyway.
I kicked my son and his brood out.
It was the start of my change.
My prayer:

Dear God,
Kill me or make me better.

Guess what He did?
It's a long slow road for me, and it never moves fast enough, but it is moving forward.