We've been talkin bout Jackson, ever since the fire went out!

My conversations with myself, especially when I am being self centered, greedy, and selfish, are about escape.
What would I do with money, if I had it?
Where would I go?
How would I design and build a house?
What charities would I donate to?

My favorite thing to think about is the second question followed by the 4Th question.
I talk to others that I would like to go somewhere warm. I want to be warm all the time. I don't want to spend time indoors. I want to live outside as much as possible. Ideally, I would like to live outside all the time, and sleep under a canopy or tent. I am not a fan of bugs, or crawly things, so I would probably want to sleep inside somewhere.

I like the idea of being able to have two places to live. The "snowbird" concept appeals to me. Live in Florida from October to April, and then go North for the summer. South doesn't have to be Florida. It could be another Southern state, but I want to be somewhere that likes music and allows me to play and sing for a living.

I am pretty upset by the appearance of two tropical storms that hit Pennsylvania. Usually, we can joke about storms and not even notice them because they occur elsewhere.
This time, however, we got hit by both.
Irene came through and scared me to death. There were no limits to the power of that storm. It was supposed to be high winds, and heavy rain. We got very high winds and steady rain, but it wasn't a lot. The wind was the scary part of Irene.
I am glad I had the tree outside the bedroom removed last year, because I am almost sure it would have come down. I've never heard winds like that before. I never want to hear them again.
Irene did do damage, but not as bad as expected. Oh yes, there was damage, but we've had thunderstorms in the summer that did the same type of damage.

Then, along comes Lee.

After all these years of named storms, I had never had one using my name.
Hurricanes are supposed to be named for females, but everyone I spoke with or observed, looked at Lee as male. I don't know why.

Lee never made it to hurricane status. It became a tropical storm and then was downgraded pretty quickly.
The thing about Lee is that "she" moved slowly and dropped amazing amounts of rain. So much rain that she caused major flooding. I found out this morning that the nearest official rain gauge measured 9.2 inches over a 24 hour period. Top this off with the rain from Irene, and my basement flooded a bit.

Pennsylvania was the main state that was affected by Lee. We are the ones on the news right now.
I've been prepared for rain storms since 1992 when we had a flooded basement around New Year's Eve because I didn't know anything about rain gutters or channeling water away from the house. I researched the subject online and fixed as many problems as I could afford back then. All of the problems except one.
I didn't waterproof the basement. Now, I did waterproof the walls of the basement, but didn't do anything about the floor.
It turns out that we have a high water table. It is closer to the surface than other areas. So, when it rains a lot, the water rises through the floor of the basement. Our floor is concrete. There are invisible cracks in the concrete and when the water rises, they expand to become visible and water seeps in. When the water table drops, the water goes away and the basement dries.
I have a sump pump that takes care of the water, but that means that I can't store things on the floor or put carpet down.
Since I channeled the water away from the house using the rain gutters, I haven't had a flooded basement since 1992. So the only place for water to come from to do damage is through the floor. I've had prices quoted which make it very expensive to waterproof under the floor. It would also require major work on the basement. I'm not willing to do that, so I will deal with the occasional hurricane.

I had pondered moving my music equipment downstairs last week so I could practice in a big room, instead of the closets I call bedrooms. I'm glad I didn't do that.
I had a few cardboard boxes down there that I was going to start filling with stuff.
They got wet.
Two of the boxes had books in them.
They got wet.
The water stayed to one side of the main floor, and because the floor is angled properly, the water flowed slowly to the hole in the floor where the sump was. It really didn't help to sweep the water along, but I needed the exercise, so I went down and swept it along every few hours.
I set up fans and ran the dehumidifier also.
I moved the books and boxes, but the aroma of wet boxes still lingers. I will have to do a very thorough cleaning of the entire basement over the next week or so to get rid of the odor.
The water was clear and odor free, so I am not too worried about mold. I will clean with bleach however to make sure.
I have the windows open to help air the place out.
My exercise the past few days was sweeping. Today, I ran the mower. I was amazed at how easy that was. I really thought the mower would get bogged down in the heavy grass, but it didn't.

I have to say that I was very lucky to only have a half inch of water in part of the basement. The next door neighbor did get lulled into that false sense of security and had carpet and furniture in his basement. he had two feet of water, and much of it was not clean. He has a drain in the floor and the sewer lines got full and backed up into his basement.
I did all the work myself and my hands and fingers are really sore, probably a leftover side effect of the Crestor. I wore gloves to keep from getting blisters. Another neighbor didn't wear gloves and his hands are now a mess.

I took a drive today along my bus route in my car (school has been closed for two days now) and observed major roads along my path that were washed away by Lee. I will have some real problems navigating my school bus because the damage will take some time to fix. There will be lots of traffic jams to deal with.
I watched TV tonight and they showed a whole town underwater that wasn't too far away from here, In fact, this morning, I watched video of areas from here to New York that were completely underwater. Marietta is where we go to jam. They have lines on the walls of the bar that show where hurricane Agnes flooded. Those lines have been crossed by Lee. Elizabethtown, just 15 miles North of here had 15 inches of rain. Mount Joy, Manheim, New Cumberland, are now under water. Literally!
Hershey Park and Knoebel's Amusement Park are under water. The zoo at Hershey park lost animals in the flood. The park is accessible from all 4 directions, except now, you can only get there from one direction because bridges and roadways are washed away.
A man was swept away and drowned in the storm a few miles from here (Manheim) in a stream that came across the road. During normal times, you wouldn't even know the stream was even there.
They are comparing this storm to "Agnes" which occurred in 1972 and caused similar damage because of the amount of rain. I was younger and braver back then! Now, I think about all the work I did to this house in the past year and how I would feel if I lost it all to a storm named after me.
It's good to think about things such as the questions written at the top of this entry. It's nice to dream. It helps me to sort out reality from fantasy.
I've been immersed in a show called "Lost" where the people are stranded on an amazing island with lots of secrets and dangers. Reality is much more boring.
Life is still good, even if it is a bit scary.

It was a dark and stormy night!

Tropical storm, Lee, never made it to become a hurricane.
It's legacy will be large amounts of rain along with tornadoes.
It's interesting that everyone is referring to the hurricane in the male, rather than the female.
We are dealing with the rain from Lee as I write this.

I started and stopped taking Crestor this past week. I started at the suggestion of my family doctor as well as my surgeon, and stopped after I was unable to stand up after squatting to pick something up. The pain in my joints, knees, and fingers was intense after only a week and a half.
Never again will I take any statin.

I was able to do the car cruise this past Saturday, but wasn't much good for anything after that. I did have fun, however, playing all 50's and 60's music as a DJ, and seeing the great collection of cars. We had a 40 foot large blow up screen playing American Graffiti after the sun went down.

I downloaded a trial copy of a songwriting program to maybe help me to get unstuck and finally write a song. I have no ideas in my head right now. They are all buried deep down inside waiting for me to find my muse to help bring it out. If I can't write something using that program, I should hang it up completely and never think about writing again. I know that I can do it, so stand back and watch me work!

I decided to clean out my closet in the bedroom as well as the rest of the room. I will clear out the clutter, and pack stuff away.

My goal this fall will be to close up the back bedroom. I want to be able to close the door for the winter and not use the room for anything. I may buy some carpet or maybe the fake wood flooring, or I may not.

I want to set up one area of the house for my music. I want to get all my stuff in one area so I can sell off what I don't need, and catalog what I do so I know where they are. I have plenty of containers for storage, and I finally want to get organized and label everything.

I found out that if I am busy working, I don't eat as often. That seems like a pretty stupid thing for me to not know, but I really didn't notice before. I will start to use that to eat more healthy with less grazing in order to take off a few more pounds over the fall and winter. The less time I spend in the house doing nothing, the less I eat.

I started driving the school bus again. My mornings are pretty much the same as last year. I have to write up a turn by turn sheet so I can take off a day or so now and then. I had a perfect year last year. I have done that for many years with only a few days off over the years.
My afternoons are much longer. I have to take a second trip up to Lititz due to the hours of the one school. The last student goes all the way to the southern end of the county and I get home around 5:30 instead of the 4:00 I used to do. I don't mind, but I have to watch what I drink so I don't have to stop for a bathroom break.

I readjusted my protein bars, eliminating my need for carrying the sucrose pills. The protein bar has a little more sugar in it than my old bar, and if I eat it while walking, I don't get the blood sugar drop that I had before.
In the meantime, the rain keeps coming down.

My fridge is playing the drums!

Sounds like it's time to buy a new one! It's making all kinds of funny noises.
I guess it doesn't like crystal lite!
I've been filling my time working on stuff that I didn't need to write about here, so I haven't written for awhile.
I am now taking Crestor to lower my cholesterol. This is on the advice from my Bariatric surgeon. My family doctor, I don't know so well. He means well, but can't understand that I get joint and muscle pain from statins.
I've tried them all. But, he says this one is different.
The pain creeps up on me, and by the time I realize I have it, it is way too late. I feel like an old man. Everything hurts, and it hurts to do anything. So, I lay around instead of walking or working, and I eat because I want to get up and go out but I hurt so I don't.
I really don't give a damn about my cholesterol. I will live for another 15 years, and then die. No big deal. I don't want to waste away to become a vegetable. I want to die when I'm ready.
No senility for me. I just want to fall over dead from a heart attack, when it's my time to go.
I am not ready to go yet. Too much to see and do before then.
I lost the weight, but the cholesterol stayed with me.
So now, I will crawl out to the chair and watch some more TV.
And I've only been taking the damn pills for just over a week now.
sheeeshhh!

Tunnel vision and Future shock!

The end of summer always depresses me. I guess it's because I always hated going back to school.
When I was a bicycle riding kid, we used to explore by ourselves new and exciting places. I covered miles and miles riding. Everyday, we would map out a new place to go and then head out for a nice long ride. It was my first taste of freedom.
Levittown, PA. was a safe place for bike riding because traffic was usually limited to the main roads, and there were always low traffic areas to go. The people who drove through the various sections lived there, so there were few cars to deal with. To cross a main road, there were places you could go where traffic was limited also, and easy to navigate.
There were parks, canals, and quarry lakes too.
Hills were also fun for us back then when we had much more energy. There was one hill in a section called "Magnolia Hill" that we measured with our bicycle speedometers (odometers). It was just about 3/4 of a mile long. We would trudge up the hill to the top. Then, we would turn our bikes facing down (it was a gradual grade) and glide, not pedal all the way to the bottom. We would time ourselves and check to see how fast we were going at the bottom. We spent many weeks doing that.
The great thing about Levittown, was that we had public swimming pools close by. We would get up in the summer mornings, and take our long rides, come home for lunch, then head over to the pool to spend the afternoons. They opened at noon, and closed to the general public (teens under 12, I think) around 6pm. It was "adult" swimming after that. It was a rite of passage for us to be old enough to swim after 6pm.
So, it didn't matter how much I ate back then. I was burning calories like there was no tomorrow.
Meat and potatoes, no junk food, and lots of sweet sugared iced tea!

My Mom probably loved the fact that it was safe to let us go exploring and then swim all afternoon. It gave her time to herself at home and she knew we were OK.

Going back to school meant not being able to ride as often, or swim anymore. Our physical activity became limited and we were forced to sit still for long periods of time. Phys Ed was generally boring, and intimidating, particularly if you were uncoordinated. I always hated team sports, and failed miserably at them. The school always smelled funny, and was too hot or too cold. I grew to enjoy the outdoors.

So, these same emotions followed me through adulthood. I still hate having to sit still for too long. Working doesn't allow me to be outside and moving. Little or no exercise due to the fact that I have to "earn" a living doing things I don't like doing. I haven't been able to break that pattern, but I have found way to compensate, most of which have been fattening.

What happens when you put a dumb animal between two piles of their favorite food? They starve to death trying to figure out which pile of food to eat first.

This is not what has happened to me, but I still feel like a dumb animal.

I have been confronted with "opposites", rather than two piles of my favorite food.

Whenever I start to feel good, I am bombarded with a series of negatives that prevent me from moving forward.

The statement "I am afraid of failure, and I am afraid of success" explains how I feel. Both halves of this phrase freezes me in my tracks.

I haven't found the solution to this problem. How do I overcome fear of success and failure?

In the meantime, I am succeeding far more than I ever thought I would. Yet, I feel like crap anyway. This has always happened to me, yet I am still here. I plan to be here until I'm finished with whatever I'm supposed to be accomplishing. I sometime envy those who know why they are here, and can move forward without delay. Me? I get stuck.

With my wife gone, I sometimes feel like it's all a waste of time. I do things, but there is no one but me to see them completed. There's something missing from my life, and until I find that again, I will continue to have those feelings of emptiness.

Future shock occurs for me in so many ways. Technology has advanced so quickly, that it's hard to keep up. I was taught to take care of things to make them last a long time. Yet, even if I take care of my computer, HDTV, or automobile, they will become obsolete in a very short time.
I have old friends who have failed to embrace the beauty of technology, and I wonder if I could ever let it go and disconnect and still be happy.

• It is so nice having a thought and being able to look it up online and find out about it right away.
• Being in contact with people all over the world and never having to leave my home area to communicate is amazing.

So now, I pay a lot of money to stay connected, and throw away perfectly good electronics every few years instead of keeping them until they wear out. I still have my LPs and old school stereo hooked up. I listen to the analog radio signal almost every day that I'm home. But, I play the digital laptop music player too. I have 40,000 songs to catch up on!

If I were to buy a bicycle, and ride all summer instead of working, cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the house, I could recapture some of the good feelings of my youth. I would also probably get run over, die from living in a dirty house, or end up on the street with nothing but a bicycle.

One last thing, and then it's back to finishing up the painting:

My guitar provided me with great pleasure back when I earned my living playing it. I was 11 when I started, and it was everything to me back then. I had stopped riding my bicycle by then, and it replaced the high I got from riding nicely.
I have tried to get that passion back many times. Most recently has been been in the past year. But, I haven't found it yet and wonder if I should just let it go. I feel as if I have something to contribute to the world and music is one way to express it.
I pick up the most beautiful guitars I have ever owned, plug them into awesome amplifiers, and just can't find the inspiration to play them more than a few minutes at a time. They feel good in my hands, but the true feeling isn't there. Music is pure emotion, and I've been suppressing emotions for so long that I wonder if I will ever get them back.

Another year older, and deeper in debt....

Thanks Larraine! I have that song rolling through my head tonight, over and over! :)
Sunday marks the one year point when I lost my wife. It is not the only time along this crazy path that I remember.

• I knew she was sick long before she told me, but this time I stayed quiet because I really thought she would pull through at first. I guess I should go back even further and tell you that I was able to tell Donna that she was pregnant both times before she even knew it. I've been in tune with her for a long time, even when we had our troubles. So, this time, I knew she was sick. When she told me, it hit me that this was the last time, and that she wouldn't recover. I told her that night that I would stick with her to the end and that we needed to talk about her wishes, which we never really did. I don't remember the exact date, but it was long before she went into the hospital. So, her entry date of February 8, 2010, was about 6 months after I knew she was sick.
  
• I tried to get her to go to the doctor sooner, in fact I was trying to get her to go for almost a year before she finally went. I suffered as silently as I could over the years, knowing things I couldn't talk about. I believe my silence helped to cause my overeating problems. The stress had to come out somehow.
• So, my wife was sick for almost a year before she went into the hospital. She had a really rough time, but the hospital decided they couldn't do anything for her, and signed her out, but not before arranging for her to go to a "specialty hospital" In York.
• That hospital was terrible for her and anyone who visited her. It was always noisy, and the coverage was lousy. She would ring for assistance and wait for hours. Instead of getting better, which was the goal, she got worse. They finally told her there was nothing they could do, and she was shipped off to Harrisburg to a nursing home.
  
• This was a blessing in disguise because no matter how my wife treated the staff, they returned with love and caring. They were so patient and understanding with me also.

I swear, I lost a few years of my life during this time. Donna went into the hospital in February, celebrated her final birthday at age 57, our 34th anniversary, and died August 14, 2010. She made a few requests which we followed, but left so many unanswered questions.
In the Jewish tradition, people are supposed to mourn for a year, and then unveil the grave stone marker and move on with their lives. I know I am not being exact in my description. If you want to know more, look it up. I am not Jewish anymore, and she was never a practicing Methodist Christian while we were together. I don't really know the rituals for her version of religion, so I am going with what I know.
I will say a prayer at her grave this Sunday, and then consider my obligations to be finished and move on. That doesn't mean I won't miss her. This doesn't mean I won't think about her. But, I will no longer feel obligated to her. I will no longer be married to her.

"Till death us do part".

I have considered doing something symbolic, but don't see a need.

In the meantime, I have to paint the porch walls and then I will be finished with what I am going to do to the house. I may tinker with things if I get bored, but I won't be spending large amounts of money. This is significant to this post because I have taken a whole year to purge the house of all the clutter that has accumulated in 34 years of marriage. I guess you could consider this symbolic for me. The amazing thing is that I have finished this major work on schedule.

Next week, I will begin my musical career instead of working on the house. I will begin to live again. I am going to travel into new territory. I've never been there before.
All by myself.

Shhhh! keep this a secret. Don't tell anyone

I am writing this here for myself. I feel better when I write stuff down and tend to do what I write, although the John Lennon quote about life is sooooo true.
Here are my plans. The Hell with what life wants to do.
In the next two weeks:

• I plan to finish the painting by this Friday. Porch, and bathroom. Oh, and that little piece of ceiling in the basement stairwell.
• I plan to play my guitar until I have a whole evening of music to present. Then, I plan to go out and book some events.
• I plan to start my diet plan again and stick to it and a walking schedule, rain or shine every day.
• I plan to disappear for a vacation for at least 3 days. Just me, and no one else. Shhh, keep this a secret.

So, now is the time to start doing just that. TTYL.
Update:
I didn't finish the painting as I had planned. I am working on that now. So, my time has run out, and unless I quit work, I won't be able to take that vacation. Oh well.

False start

I started keeping track of my food intake per the dietitian's instructions.
Then, I woke up on Friday morning and something popped in my back and all my plans went back to the beginning.
I was able to eat fairly properly, but the pain was so bad that I was not exercising, and not sleeping very well.
So, I can only deal with one disaster at a time, and the diet has suffered.
I had planned on starting to cook most of my meals myself instead of eating the steamer meals (Maria Calandar), but I just couldn't do it.
I suppose it would have been easier if someone was here with me to help out, but I am alone.
I've been on the ice and heat treatment for my back, as well as going to the Chiropractor, but have been sidelined since Friday.
I was able to go out yesterday for about an hour to have dinner with my Son for his birthday, but that was agony and I was glad to get back to the couch.
This afternoon, the pain started to decrease, so hopefully, I will get back to work in the next few days.
I have another Chiropractor appointment tomorrow morning as a follow up and look forward to that. I hope I can drive to and from.
So, I lost a week.

Too pooped to party!

I have been complaining for years about not having time or energy to do the things I wanted to do because I was always doing the things I had to do instead. I'm still in that mode, but I have a different attitude now.
I feel good about getting things done.
The problem is now that I'm older, my fingers hurt and I'm too tired to play my guitar when I actually have time.
Right now, I am tapping out this blog two fingers at time. The rest of the fingers are in a drawer somewhere recovering from holding the long handled paint roller all day.
I put two coats of paint on the garage floor and I need to touch it up tomorrow. I also need to cut the grass, and have another dozen other things that have to be done too.
I promised myself that I would finish all of this clean up, paint up, fix up stuff so that I could put the house up for sale next month, so I still feel good.
I am reviewing music in my head all the time since that is the only part of me that doesn't get sore after working all day. I used to do that all the time, but my fingers didn't hurt this badly.
Oh well.
Yesterday, I couldn't do anything because my back was too sore. I felt good today, and will probably not feel so good tomorrow. But, I will plow ahead to get finished with what I started. I will post pictures, both before and after. I am proud that I have been able to get this much work done on my own. I am lucky to have had the help that I did also. They spurred me on to start working again.
So, tonight, I will go watch Wolverine on my blu ray, HDTV until I can't keep my eyes open (probably about 9pm.), and then hope to get up in the morning and start work again. I think the iron pills are working!

Humid, hot, and bad back!

Yesterday, I went South to take my Daughter out for lunch. It was her birthday, and this time I was surprised to be able to take the whole family out. Usually, I don't get to spend time with my son in law, but he came along and I was glad to see him.
The drive down was pleasant. I decided to use the AC in the car instead of opening the windows. Even in the hottest of weather, I ride with the windows and the roof open. I love the open feel and the air rushing by.
We went to a high end Pizza/Italian restaurant and I ordered an individual brick oven pizza. It was huge and cut into 4 slices. I ate one slice, and got a box for the rest. Afterwards, I transported a crib mattress up to my son in York County. I got to spend some time with him, talking about his situation and trying to help him sort it out without giving him any money. I got home around 7:30pm and felt good about the day.

I went out to the garage this morning with the intention of starting to paint the back wall and floor. I still might get there.
But, my back has other ideas. Let me back track and talk about the past week.

I was so blessed to have friends help me get some work finished. They came over and painted the kitchen. I did some of the work, or worked elsewhere, but they did the majority of it. I helped out in the garage where I put down chemical de-greaser and scrubbed and scrubbed, and rinsed.
I worked on this stuff every day last week. I also was down in the basement painting the stairway walls and ceiling. And, I actually "Mr. Cleaned" the basement tile which covers half of it. I used the same heavy duty long handled brush I used in the garage as well as a sponge mop.
I expected more of the cleaner, although it did get up some long term stains. The floor still looks old and worn out as it actually is, but it's cleaner. I had considered using a polish, but decided to let that go.
So now for my purposes, the basement is finished. I still have an area above the top stairs that needs paint. I should be able to do most of it, but don't have the fancy ladder to get the trim. It's not all that important. I will tackle it this week.

There is a small square on the back wall of the garage that had a shelf on it that I didn't paint. I will do that as soon as the humidity and heat abate. That should be tomorrow.
Today, I went out to do the garage, and my back had other ideas. I usually don't have to worry about my back, especially since having the surgery and starting up with the chiropractor, but today, I am sore. So, I managed to take everything up off the floor in preparation for painting, and came back in to write this.
I know if I try to paint, I will be too sore, so I have to do something else productive.

In addition to everything I've been doing in fixing up the house, I've been doing all the other things that one does in order to live.
I sat the other evening and went through yet another box of photos. I found some I thought I lost and sent some digitally to one of the people in the pictures. I was able to empty out the box and transfer the photos to my trunk with all the other photos. I would love to have an HDTV that covered the whole wall hooked up to my computer. I could sit and review all of the pictures and cry all night while remembering the good times!

I managed to do my food shopping too, but haven't gotten everything I need for the next month. I'll do that later this week.

I started to plan in my head the bathroom renovation. It will just involve painting, but I have some stuff to move, and some stuff to re-think whether I need or can get rid of.
I am also planning to start packing things I don't need on a regular basis. I plan on renting a storage unit. That way, they won't be clogging up the space when I put the house up for sale.
I'm going to do some stretching to see if I can get my back working again.
Stay tuned, the heat wave is due to break soon allowing me to do some outside work.

More photos.

For some reason, I couldn't add these to the previous post, so here they are. Just showing off the beautiful blue painter's tape!

Just to add to this. It is one day later.
I haven't had time to take pictures, but this morning, the friends came over and finished what they started. They did the trim and ceiling in the kitchen, and also finished the basement stairway walls. I have one piece of the ceiling to finish and then I can move outside. While they were working, I took the one child with me and went to pick up more paint. I decided to paint the garage floor after all.
The job looks good enough for me to put the house up for sale. I also spoke with a friend tonight to get advice on how to cool off the porch. It turns out that I won't be able to do that cheaply enough or on my own, so I will leave that alone for now.
And, don't tell anyone, but I am thinking about taking a drive...a long drive... a really long drive....maybe to Vegas. But, don't tell anyone. I don't gamble, but that part of the country is soooo beautiful.

Exercise is over-rated!

Above: Basement walls
Garage floor
Kitchen looking at the back door.
Garage floor, looking at porch door.

I finally broke my pattern of inactivity, and I wrote about it already. Let me add some pictures to the mix.
I like the feeling of being able to do a workout while getting something done too.
Yesterday, I cut the grass in the hottest part of the day.
Today, I painted part of the basement stairway walls, and helped scrub the garage floor as well as cleaned the garage out completely and filled it back up when it was finished.
It was really hot out there and I could feel it, but it didn't slow me down like it did when I was fat. I sweated because I was working, not because I was fat.
I stayed hydrated too.
The house was full. I had 3 of the school bus family over to help finish painting, and two young neighbors helping me in the garage.
I did the painting myself before they all came over.
Imagine the garage floor covered with oil, dried kitty litter, and fluid stains since 1992 and before. That's what I cleaned off over the past week.
Imagine cleaning out tons of stuff off the garage floor from large items to small ones. Then, sweeping the dust and dirt, then rinsing the floor, and adding a bit of dish detergent (dawn gets grease out of your way) and scrubbing with two long handled brushes. Then, rinsing it all off, and doing it again. Then, rinsing it all off, and using brooms to move the excess water off the floor. Then running a fan to help dry it, while organizing the stuff to bring it back into the garage when the floor dried.
Tomorrow, the school bus family will come over in the morning and finish the kitchen. You can see from the pictures that there is lots of blue tape, and areas that need to be finished, such as the ceiling.
The original paint was so worn, that I couldn't begin to tell you what color it was. The new paint is "cabin" white, but in the pictures the sun shining in the window makes it look yellow. It isn't.
I will probably paint the garage floor gray since it looks good to me, but not really as clean as I would like. The fancy acrylic floor paint is too expensive, and gray will be just fine.
The basement walls were tough to do because of all the strange angles. It is also the tallest ceiling in the house and very hard for me to reach straight up and still get paint on the walls. I will work on it again but not tomorrow. I need to take a break.

I found a place that still has Nautilus equipment and I want to check it out. I loved using that years ago because it worked so well. Once I learned how to use it, I made amazing progress. I read a book about the inventor of the equipment, and trained with an expert. This was back in the late 70's I think when they first came out with it. My back was hurting from too many hours of driving city bus, and the machines firmed up the muscles to take the pain away. Of course, it didn't hurt that they had a real whilrpool and sauna that my wife and I spent lots of time in.

I think I am finally on my way to recovery. Let's hope so.

Time is what's happening as music is played.

There is a business site that I visit from time to time. He sends out emails too with new products and updates. In his subject line, he write strange statements. Some of them are political. I can see that they might be taken the wrong way by the opposing party and cut down on his business, but so far, he doesn't seem to be having problems. The statements seem to be set up as attention getters, rather than as actual statements of his political leanings.
I personally think it's a good idea. I am tired of reading the same old subject lines.

There were teachers over the years that made profound statements in an effort to make us think, such as the one in the title here. Personally, they made me think that the teacher wanted us to think they were really smart.
I've found over the years that using big words does make you sound as if you are smart. I use them sometimes, and then I stand outside myself and wonder why I used them. I don't usually use big words, but they just seem to show up on their own.
I've also found that I am much more forgetful than I used to be. I don't seem to remember things from the past the same way too. That is disturbing to me. I would like to think my memory is accurate if not exact.

This is one of the reasons we write things down. Because, our memories aren't perfect. Somewhere in the house (remember, I've been packing, re-packing, and cleaning) is a box with all of my bariatric paperwork. I was given lots of things from the clinic, as well as my blood test results from the past 4 or 5 times. Right now, the location of that box alludes me (gee, a big word!). But, I will find the box, and I will compare test results to see the differences up or down. That is, if I remember to do so.

Now, all winter long, I was waiting for this wonderful warm weather. The thing I didn't remember back when I was freezing was: With warm weather comes humidity. That makes the warm or hot weather uncomfortable when living inside. If I am outside, I can stand direct sunlight for quite sometime, but prefer the shade. And, I really like the breeze that comes along every once in awhile.

I enjoy the rain storms much more now than I did. The clouds seem to be much more interesting when a "severe" thunderstorm moves through. We have had an active year as far as high winds, small tornadoes, and lots of rain. For the year, this area is up about 10 inches over a "normal" year, so I don't get nasty stares when I go out and "play" with the garden hose. I used to wash my sidewalk in the city almost every night. Not because it was dirty, but because it was relaxing. Now, the birds gather round when I play with the water. They are probably looking for worms and a chance to get a drink.
I watered my brick wall last night. The direct sunlight hits it about 5pm, and heats it up like crazy. Then, when the sun goes down, the bricks transmit that heat into the house. The temperatures in the house can hit 85, even thought the outside temperature is 75. When I wash it off, this cools the bricks making it a little more bearable.

I had some help the past few days, which filled the house with kids, and life again. This was just what I needed to get back on track. My kitchen will be finished by this afternoon. I will do the work myself, although the majority of the work was already done by the visitors. I will pull the refrigerator out and paint behind it, and then will do the ceiling. What would take a "normal" person an hour, will take me all afternoon. That's OK. I have all the time in the world. I do want to get it out of the way and move onto the last few projects.

Yesterday, I started out feeling like I had been awake for days. I was weak, and light headed. I decided to plow through the feeling as long as I could. The job I was doing was one that I could walk away from if I couldn't finish. I could come back to it whenever I regained my energy. I tried to listen to my body and discovered that I needed some food, and lots of liquid. So, I got a beer and some pretzels, and that did the trick (a protein bar, followed by a quart of crystal lite lemonade). I pushed through the feeling after that and started to wake up.
My job consisted of covering the garage floor with de-greaser, scrubbing the area with a long handled plastic brush, and rinsing. Then, I had to repeat it 3 times because there was a lot of grease and gunk. This made the floor of the garage look much better. I still should do the rest of the floor, but for now, I only did half. I also should buy some floor paint to finish the job (The fancy acrylic stuff is too expensive for now. If I stay in the house, I will do that instead).
The scrubbing was tough and I worked up quite a sweat. I also had to make sure the water got rinsed out fully. That took about an hour to make sure the acid was diluted enough when it hit the lawn. I had to sweep the garage floor a lot to get all of the stuff out. My arms are very tight this morning which will make the painting a lot harder than it should be.
I listed several items for sale on Craigslist, and sold them in between cleaning and painting. I still have a few items left, but I can live with them for now. If I move, some of them will stay here for the next owner to deal with.

So, it's been a good weekend. I started the clean up marathon on Friday, and will finish sometime this week.
I have some real work to do in the bathroom in order to get it ready for paint.

• There are several holes which need to be filled and sanded. I have a magnifying mirror with large holes in the wall barely hanging on.
• I have a new toilet seat which is easy, yet unpleasant to install.
  
• I have adhesive strips to go into the tub to replace the old ones. I will also do an extra good scrub down of the tub. Nothing will restore the finish, but at least I know it is clean.
• I have to move some stuff out of the bathroom that have been there for a long time.
  

This is a good time for me to re-think where I want to go with things. I will just be refreshing things, rather than spending money on replacement. If I stay, I will work towards doing a remodeling next year. Same thing for the kitchen.

I had an estimate to start on the landscaping of the house. If you recall, I stripped the entire yard of the large trees, and the area around the house of the huge bushes that were blocking the windows. The first phase will be the area in front of the house along the eastern wall. 8 bushes will be installed, and the area leveled and shaped. The bushes are slow growing and won't cover the windows. The company doing the work will come back every year for each new phase until the entire yard is finished. This alone makes me want to stay in the house long enough to see it through.

To live here all these years only to be forced to move out just when things are getting finished is a tragedy. I worked so hard over the years to make sure things were done so the family could live comfortably. Now, the family is gone. This is what makes it the toughest for me.

My health is a living thing. It gets better and worse depending on things I can do to fix it, and things I have no control over.

The house has been a work in progress since 1992 for me, and before that for my Father in law. It now seems that neither of us will ever see it finished.

If the economy gets better and jobs become more plentiful, an old guy like me will be able to make a decent, honest living, and will be able to afford to stay here and finish what I started. If not, who knows?
Evening edit: It seems I am a bit more tired than I thought I was. I'm taking it easy tonight. No painting unless I force myself. On a side note: I wonder how long it takes to get over the death of someone? How long will it be before I stop grieving, and start using it as an excuse?

Hot, Hot, Hot!

Summer heat!
It used to really bother me when I was fat. Now, it's more of a nuisance. I can work outside, and work up a sweat without problems.
Yesterday, I cut the lawn. I did half of it, then took a break, and did the other half. I always stop halfway through and re-hydrate, even when I don't need to. This is a trick my first physiologist taught me. If you take a break, you trick your body into thinking it's finished, and your physiology changes. Then, when you start up again, your body has to play catch up and it works a little harder, burning a few more calories.
I can feel that happen. When I get up after the break, I walk like an old man for the first few minutes. Then, I get my "sea legs" and pick up the pace.
I've also found that wearing the proper clothing helps a lot. If I wear gym shorts, and a moisture-wicking material top, I work better. Wearing jeans or regular heavy duty shorts is harder.
This morning, I took a walk wearing a tank top. My "farmer's" tan was blazing. My arms are very tan, but my shoulders have been covered up, so they are not. I was only out for about an hour, so I don't expect to get burned. The tank top is cotton, and it now feels uncomfortable. I will change it to something that doesn't cling so much when I sweat.

My preliminary blood test results came in. My diet guy called me to review. I won't go into details other than my fatigue problem, but suffice it to say that all numbers not related to fatigue, were in the normal range. Normal has never been in my vocabulary, medically speaking, until my surgery. I feel great! I will never tire of hearing that word when it comes to my health!

My iron levels were low, and the supplement increase is working, although he tells me I won't notice much change for awhile. The process is slow. So, I will keep plodding on, hoping to regain my energy level soon.
He did tell me that fatigue can mess with things, such as sleep patterns, which can complicate things even worse. So, as an example, if I'm feeling tired, it could cause me to not sleep well, which makes things worse.
So, putting it all together, my fatigue is caused by:

• low iron levels.
• excess stress of losing my wife and all that entails.
• depression, caused by the above, and any previous problems from before.
  
• The current stress of not being employed enough to make a living to keep my house and pay my bills. Gee, maybe that's money problems? Yeah, I think so.
• Fear of returning to my previous state of being fat and unhealthy.
• Life itself!

That last one sums it up. I am dealing with the low iron levels. That's the easy part.
Next, I have to improve my diet.
I have to improve my exercise program.
I have to bring in more money.
I have to sell the house. In order to sell the house for the most money I can get, and to make me feel better, I have to finish what I started. That's the toughest part for me.
In short, I have to fix the things I can, and deal with what I can't as best as I can.

This past week, I've had a friend come over a few times and help out. This has been more help than you can imagine, even though he hasn't done that much. Just having someone here working while I do something else, is a help to me.
He was able to clean out the one side of the garage for me two evenings ago. I had cleaned out the garage for the most part, but it needed to be done again.
He got the right side, and moved my toolbox and everything else that was there to another area. He put tools back into the boxes, then cleaned the trash off the floor, and swept. While he was doing that, I was inside the house. I did the dishes, vacuumed, and emptied the bedroom closet of all the stuff I've been storing there. I had sorted out the costume jewelry from the real stuff, and now have that packed and stored properly so that I will be able to move it easily, or sell it as I decide. I now have room in the closet for real things that should be there.
I am close to having the house organized, although there is still a long way to go. If I am able to spend some full days working on it, I will be able to get it finished before the end of the summer.
Yesterday, I moved the car out of the garage, and swept the rest of the dirt out. Then, because of his work, I was able to spray some dish detergent (cuts all kinds of grease!) on the floor, and scrub much of the grease and oil off, making it a lot cleaner than it was. It will look good if I sell the house.

I have plans to clean the floor in the basement in the next few days. I've also asked my school bus kids to come over and help me paint the kitchen.
My daughter stopped by yesterday afternoon. She had taken her kids over to Dutch Wonderland for the day, and both kids were exhausted. This was the first time she saw the house since the carpets were cleaned. I asked her about it, and she told me the house smelled better and the carpet was much brighter. I live here all the time, so I can't smell the odors. It was nice to know that the place didn't stink anymore.

So, what is it now?

Before I start, I wanted to say that I do re-read my stuff in order to edit it. I notice that I tend to write in sections. That is, not everything in this one post is related. I tend to say what I want, and then move on to something else. I have been using the blog to complain more than anything recently. Once I get that out of my system, I can talk about the more positive stuff. I usually write at night now, and am too physically tired to really do much else. I usually hit the sack right after I finish, although I think I would like to go out and get drunk rather than sleep right now! So, here are my additions for tonight:

I now understand the allure of the reclusive lifestyle.
However, if I continue this life of a recluse, I will soon learn what it is to live as a homeless man.
I'm not sure if I really want to experience that.

I've had a real urge to do nothing at all.

• I don't feel like exercising, for fun or any other reason.
• I don't feel like playing my guitar.
• I don't feel like working at a job I know I will hate.
• I don't want to go out and socialize.
• I don't want to see anyone at all.

I've been fighting this feeling for an unknown amount of time. It may have been days, months, years, I don't really know.
I also know that if I don't fight this without medication, I will never conquer it.
I think a lot of it is justified.
Some of it is my upbringing, and I've been fighting that since puberty, when I realized I was smarter than everyone else, including my parents! We all get that way when we hit puberty. It's not until later that we start to understand the reality of the situation.

I think a lot of my funk right now is the fact that my health isn't what it should be and I'm in a holding pattern with the doctor, dietitian, and medical center.

I hate waiting.

It shouldn't be too much longer.
Oh well, enough bitching.

This week, I called upon a young man who is local and asked him to help me out with some work around the house. I took him on a tour of the place, telling him what I've done and what needs to be done. He agreed to help me, and has been over a few times. I told him he could come over whenever I was home and help out, or he could just hang out and keep me company, which he has done. It gives him a chance to sit in the comfort of my central AC. He is taking online college courses, and it gives him a break from school work too. It's good to have someone over to the place. It helps me to not feel so guilty about not being able to get everything finished.

I am still making great progress, but of course, I want it to be finished NOW! :)

I started to listen to my LPs this week, and Ben brought all of them upstairs for me. I have about 200, and it saved me the trouble of running out of steam before the task was done. While he was doing that, I sorted through 3 storage bins, and re-organized my music equipment to make it easier to just walk into the room and play. I was originally going to move it all downstairs to the basement, but I just don't have the energy, so this is the next best thing.

I would like to transfer some of my albums to digital, but haven't gotten the time or energy yet. And, that's more of a hobby, than a necessity, so I'll hold off for now. My record player works just fine. I have been listening to Chicago, and started with album 1, and am up to 3 right now, in addition to other artists. I am going to sort out the albums that I know I won't listen to, and get rid of them soon. I have a bit of the hoarder in me when it comes to albums, but this will help me to break that pattern.

It's amazing, that the human mind can remember so much. I can glance at an album, and pretty much remember all the music on it. Some albums, I bought because friends suggested them. Some I got at a yard sale and haven't ever listened to them. I have some that I feel are a part of me, and helped me become the musician that I am today.

So, I probably know the lyrics to 12,000 songs. No wonder I can't think clearly.

I've found a few more songs that I want to learn for the stage, and have been picking up tips and tricks from various observations of other musicians who are earning a living playing guitar. That to me is the best part of starting this up. I feel better when a song is finished and I can call it mine. Performing is the best part of the process.

I'm hoping to start the process of changing over to the new medical practice next week, so things should get better for me.

I am glad that I have the energy and good enough health that I can complain about all these things. I'm just hoping I don't go crazy before I can enjoy my weight loss.

The end of suffering

That is what I am hoping for soon. I don't know what I'll do if I don't get off this descending ride soon.
I am taking steps to climb out, but the road is very slippery.

• This past week, I finally gave in and fasted, then went to an alternate site for blood work. I hope to hear something soon, although with the medical team switchover, who knows?
• I called a friend Thursday evening and told him to get his butt over here. I then put him in my car and we went to Marietta to hear an open blues night. I have been there before and the music varies from really good, to the opposite. I met up with fellow musicians I have known for several years. I decided I wanted to play, but really don't know any Blues songs. So, I borrowed a guitar anyway, and played "Summertime". It is from the musical "Porgy and Bess" and it's been sung by many artists over the years. I haven't heard it being played by others recently because it is so old. Anyway, I nailed it as always, although I'm not quite sure how well it went over. I did receive applause, and a compliment from a nice looking lady.

A side note here:
Most people have butterflies before a performance in front of a crowd, especially if they haven't played for awhile, or if they aren't prepared. I didn't feel anything. I knew I could play, and that's what I did. I have gotten those butterflies before, but I don't really feel anything much anymore.
I tried to play the guitar today, and just never got to it.
I have been totally isolated from the family this week, except for occasional texts from my daughter. We used to go to my sister's for the holiday cookout, but that either doesn't happen anymore, or she doesn't want to invite me.

• Last night, I went to hear a guitarist at the park. We have entertainment every month for the community, and it was fun (check out my FB page of look up East Petersburg Day on FB). I wanted to hear this guy because he is playing for a living. My critique of him here is not meant to be nasty. I am looking at his performance through a microscope so I can learn from it and grow. I know what to do, and watching others helps me to re-enforce my opinions.

He had trouble with his eye contact. I have this problem too. When I play, I am sharing the deepest part of myself through my music. It is sensitive to bare that part of my soul, and it shows up in my eyes. You will see many performers closing their eyes, or wearing dark glasses. This guy looked up to the ceiling a lot. I saw that as something I need to work on.
He also sang each song as if he was a slightly drunk lounge singer. Kind of reminded me of the parodies on Saturday Night Live.

• His guitar playing was excellent, although he sometimes overdid it. He had some real moments of genius with his guitar, but it was obvious he had played these songs many, many times, and was getting too complacent with them.

• Whenever you play for an audience, they are hearing your song for the first time. You may have heard it hundreds of times, but they are hearing you for the first time. You have to remember that and perform it as if you are doing it for the first time too. You have to be serious in your singing, and have to do your best. If you joke around, you will start to bore the crowd after awhile.

I learned a lot over the years, and things like this really stand out to me. I guess I should write a book about that too. I also know that I probably won't ever do that. I am full of useless little tips like this.

I spent way too many hours the past week watching TV. I have caught up with most of the old series, saw some really outrageous stuff, and gotten hooked on the final section of the soap opera known as the Casey Anthony trial. One of the worst Defense lawyers I've ever seen. I could do better than him, although the Anthony situation hasn't given him much to defend. They are pretty dysfunctional.

Today, I spoke with a fellow ADDer and much younger member of the community. I asked him to help me to finish some of the work around the house and he agreed. I don't know if he will be able to help, but I'm going to try to use him.
He is doing an online college course, and is doing well, but hasn't worked for over a year because of one problem. His appearance.
He has long hair, beard, various tattoos, and visible piercings. He also dresses in that style, which includes chains, long baggy pants. He is a nice guy and won't change his style for anyone. He is getting to the age where he will learn that is it easier to start looking like the rest of the world in order to get ahead.
I'll let you know how that works out.

My energy level is starting to get under control. I know now a little more about when the fatigue will come on, and can rest when I want. I still need the blood test results in order to get it under control. I'm hoping they have suggestions that fix this.

I want to finish what I started with the house, get back into a workout schedule, and start playing my guitar for money.

Guardian angel!

I forced myself to get out yesterday and take a walk.
I suppose I am staying in to punish myself for not following through with my plans to play guitar and sing again. I don't know.
Anyway, I took a drive wearing my workout shorts. These are the "gym" shorts that a man shouldn't wear for anything other than a workout. They just aren't equipped to handle a wallet, keys and the stuff you need to drive or go out in public.
It's not that they are indecent. They just are a little less "formal" than cargo shorts, or regular shorts.
I digress, as always.
I drove right past the trail because I realized I was wearing them and continued down the road. I came to Farmdale, and decided to head to another trail that was more challenging, and less used.
Drove right past that one too. I made a loop and headed back home.
I made it as far as the first trail, and turned in and parked.
They have a fire school next to the trail and there was a motorcycle training course going on, so there were lots of vehicles.
I could see many of the cars were there for bicycle riding too, because of all the racks on the cars.
There is a bench a few hundred feet in on the trail so I decided if I wasn't feeling just right, I would take a break there and turn around and head home.
I said hi to a beautiful dog, and his humans, and I moved over when I heard a bike behind me.
The guy on the bike said hi, and I recognized him as a fellow school bus driver. In fact, this guy was the one who talked me into switching to my present company.
He is a talker, but was interested in riding some more, so I wished him well.
Anyway, he rode to the end of the first break, turned around and came back to talk some more.
I ended up walking while he rode, and let him do much of the talking because I felt like I was being trained! He was gliding along on the bike, and I was walking at a very brisk pace. I kept up the pace all the way to the 1.5 mile mark, and decided to let him go.
One thing I realized about halfway down the trail was that I didn't have anything to drink with me, and I didn't have my glucose pills either because they didn't fit into the pockets of my gym shorts.
I was really afraid my blood sugar would drop while I was too far away from the car, so I turned around and started a much less strenuous pace back to the car.
My blood sugar did drop, I could feel it, but I was able to pace myself and things balanced out so that I was able to get back to the car and back home before things got too far out of hand.
I won't make that mistake again.
It felt good to get out, and I did play my guitar through about a dozen songs today. I was able to work out changes and chords on most of them. I couldn't do the one I really wanted to do because I was too tired and it has some complex chords. The nice thing, however, was that I was able to "hear" most of them, so I just might be able to do it the next time.
Anyway, I like the gym shorts for walking because they don't restrict my legs at all, and I can set a much faster pace without being as distracted. But, the next time I leave the house wearing them, I will make sure to take a kit with me.

A bit of a comical side note:
The glucose pills are huge and made of a chalky type material. I don't know if it's compressed powdered sugar or what. I don't take them unless I am exerting myself for a long time and feel the need for them, so they stay in the tube container, sometimes for weeks. As I walk, they bang around in the container, and even though they are held fairly tight, they tend to break down. So, when I open the container, I end up with powdered "sugar" all over me. It drives me crazy.
I went into the Weis today to do some food shopping and asked the pharmacist if he had any other type of glucose, such as the gel in the tubes, but he didn't.
Tomorrow, I will go out and do some shopping to see if I can find the tubes of gel. I hope they aren't expensive.
I am going to try and get out more too. It feels good.

All this from a 1000 square foot house!

I have a private blog that I write just to vent sometimes. I wrote this and decided to edit it and post it here. If you've ever wondered what it was like to live with a hoarder, here is a bit of that experience.
My wife was a clean person. She just couldn't get rid of anything.
I have gone on a reverse binge, and gotten rid of things instead of selling them at a yard sale. them just so I can get free of the pain of the loss. Anyway, here is the rant:

There always seemed to be more stuff.
I remember a time when I wasn't able to walk from the front of the basement to the back because there was so much stuff. I tried to stack everything neatly, but after awhile, it was just impossible.
Now I can.

It's exhilarating. It's horrible.

Now, I can go, all the way around the basement from left to right, front to back. I can go in a squared circle.

This project started 5 or 6 years ago. I had the help of my son. He helped me to carry large items up the stairs. We made dozens of trips. I got into the habit of bringing something up the stairs every time I was down there. I piled stuff up along the driveway on the grass. The driveway is about 35 feet long, and by the time I finished with the first load, I had a pile that ran from the garage to the street.
I made a deal with the trash guy to pick it all up in one trip. He came by and my son, the two trash guys, and I started filling up the truck. He ran his compactor every once in awhile to allow more stuff to be loaded.
When the pile was gone, the truck was filled. The trash guy told me he had to go to the dump just for my stuff.
The next week, he came back, and we did it again. My son and I had brought out another trash truck full of stuff.
Things from the basement, garage, and other parts of the house went to the trash truck. Twice!

I got a paper shredder. I started to go through the boxes of paper that we had collected and started to shred documents.
I ran the machine every night for two weeks, for about 45 minutes each night until the shredder overheated. Anything that had our name or any personal information on it got shredded.
I ran the machine until it finally quit running. I had to throw out the machine and buy a new one.
Before I could get a new one, however, they had a great shredding event in a parking lot nearby. This is where they brought in an industrial size machine mounted in a truck. Anyone was welcome to bring anything they wanted to be shredded for free.
I filled up 3 large boxes and a large trash bag with paper and took it to the event. I stood in line for about 20 minutes and they took it all and then it was gone!
This was all done about 5 years ago, as I've said. This past year, after my wife died, I found more paper and shredded for another two weeks. Since I started the great shredding project, documents from 1965 to the present were shredded. My wife had saved all of her old checks, and bank account records from the time she opened her first account!

I was able to empty out the garage enough to be able to paint it. Then, amazingly, it started to fill up again. I had tried to throw things out before, but my wife would find them at the curb, and they would be brought back up.
The basement started to fill again also.
There was a lot of stuff that my wife wouldn't let me throw out, but at least I had gotten the process started.

Last year, when I knew that my wife wasn't going to be coming home from the hospital, I started to go through everything in the house in order to fill up my time. It was a very emotional time for me, but I started to collect things and throw them away.
I also gave things away, and sold some things.
Every week, my goal was to fill 3/45 gallon bags and take them to the curb. Since there was no one at the house to object, and I knew that if I kept the stuff, I would have to carry it all with me, when and if I ever moved.
Since the bags are fairly large, I could fit all kinds of things in them. I had some heavy duty bags too that didn't tear easily, so I was able to put things in there that really shouldn't be going to the dump. It was easier for me to do that, than to load a truck and take it all at once.
I also considered renting a 40 foot long trash bin for a month, but that would have required me to work much harder than I thought I could.
3 bags a week allowed me to open boxes and look through them.

• I got to relive old memories. This was very cathartic.
• I was able to make sure I wasn't throwing out something that either I or my kids would want to keep.
• I was able to find lots of things that had just been thrown into a box that I could sort and repack. For example: I gathered all the photographs and repacked them into shoe boxes. They fit just fine and we could go through them when we wanted. I now have about 5 shoe boxes filled with old paper photos.
  

I found many things I didn't know I still had, but a lot of it still went into the trash. I got rid of things that I knew I would never need or want. I didn't save something just because I might need it some day.
I took my wife's clothing to Goodwill. I took 19 of those 45 gallon bags of clothing to Goodwill. I am still finding clothing even though I am almost finished.
So, all totaled, I have bought and used almost 3 boxes of trash bags. Each box had 150 bags in it.
This isn't including the regular trash such as food containers, that I take to the curb every week.

This past week, I started working on the shelves in the basement. I took a box down, put it onto a 6 foot table I have, and then I would go through the box. When I finished, I would break down the box and put it onto a pile.
I now have 12 more bags of trash to go to the curb. I also have 4 large boxes filled with broken down boxes. Imagine a box that the 46" HDTV came in filled with boxes. Times 4!

Once I get all the big stuff upstairs I will be able to start cleaning. There is lots of dust, dirt, and who knows what. I'll attack the whole basement with a vacuum cleaner after I hit it with the broom. Then, I'll probably wash down the walls and floors with bleach or disinfectant and water. That should help clear the air a bit. Years of cats, dogs, moldy boxes, and humans have taken their toll.

This whole experience was something I needed to do myself. I have very strong emotions running through my soul right now. I can feel the ghost of my wife glaring at me, telling me I'll be going to Hell for getting rid of all her stuff.

Everyone who loses a loved one, or goes through a traumatic experience, does something different. My way of dealing with it all is to get rid of it so I can clear my mind.
A clean basement means a clear mind. The place will never be spotless. The work will never be finished. There is always something else that needs to be done here. Even if I were to win the lottery tomorrow, I couldn't pay workers enough to do all that needs to be done here.
That's a strange feeling. Obsessive hand washing syndrome? Sort of. But, I won't feel like this much longer.
Donna will always be in my heart. I will never forget her, or the experiences we had together. I don't need pictures or stuff to remind me of those experiences.
I am ready to move on.

June 22, 1976

Tomorrow is our 35Th wedding anniversary.
I will not celebrate it. I don't know what I'll feel. I suppose it will just be another day.
I am still grieving my wife's death last year, but things have improved a little since then.
Life has been going up and down as it always is, but I feel the downs much more than I did when Donna was alive. No one there to share the downs with. No one to share the ups either.

• I gained back some weight and am concerned about it, but it's not as bad as before. I know that I can knock the weight off by regulating my food intake and exercising more. I am still drifting a bit and need to put my feet down and start walking again. I am stress eating and it's not easy to stop doing that.
  
• I feel like I'm in a brain fog and need to talk to someone medical about it. I may not wait until my doctor starts his practice in July. I need to fix the problem now. I believe I will make the switch over to the Osteopath soon.
  
• I worked on about 15 songs yesterday. I found out that my fingers hurt too much to play the Martin acoustic, so I'm going to start playing my electric guitar to do chords.

Some of the things I miss:

• Donna and I used to take long droves because she didn't have the energy to walk or do anything. So, the drives were good times for both of us. I got fat, but I got to spend time with her, just her, and we didn't have to fight about life. We could just take a drive.
  

She liked to see if there was anything new on the drives we took. You see, we went to the same places, following the same routes. We would get into the car, and the choices were simple:
Short drive, or long one.
North, South, East, or West.
I made her decide every time. If I didn't and went the way I wanted to go, she would complain and I hated to hear that.
We took the same basic route every time, no matter which way we went.
If we went North and long, we went up to see Centralia, then all the way to Shamokin Dam, and came back by way of the river. There was a Burger King we always stopped just above Centralia where we would take our bathroom break, and sometimes get something to eat. There was also a Cracker Barrel that she liked.
North and short went to Mt. Gretna where we might take a short walk on the trail.
South was to Lock 12 in York County by way of the Susquehanna River's River Road and back up the same way unless she wanted to go through York.
East was actually more North, but we would go to Middle Creek. West was towards Gettysburg.

I took one of those drives a few months ago. I never had a GPS before, so I was amazed when the thing showed me a different way from Centrailia to Shamokin Dam. It was so beautiful, going through the mountains, along streams, and past small towns and villages. I had to pull over a few times because I couldn't see...something in my eyes. I wished Donna could have seen it. She would have loved it.

I took similar routes all the time because it seemed tough for Donna to accept change. I sometimes would take a turn to go off the trail, but would always retrace my steps so she would be OK. We would talk about places we wanted to go, but never got there because of finances, so our drives were our vacations. They were cheap and it was what we could do.

Unfortunately, I am now stuck in that same pattern. I can't wait to get back to the safety and comfort of my home. I have trouble deviating from my path and staying out longer than I should. I picked this up from Donna, and really would like to get rid of it. I feel trapped. I will find my way out, count on that.

I remember when we got home, no matter when, Donna would get something to drink, usually tea, and then sit on the couch and watch TV or read the paper. I still have her blanket that she would drape over her, even in the hottest part of summer.

We didn't talk as the years went on. She disagreed with me about almost everything, and the pain of being wrong stopped me from standing up for myself, so I coped by keeping things light, and stayed away from touchy subjects.

Donna fell in love with me for my idealistic ways. I had lots of energy back then, and was always doing something exciting. If I had followed through with my training, I might have been a Doctor, or emergency room nurse, who knows? All I really wanted to do was sing and play guitar. What I ended up doing doesn't pay the bills, but I got to spend time with our kids. I saw them grow up, and I treasure that.

Donna valued money. It was her way of measuring achievement. Since I didn't make a lot of money, she looked upon that as a failure. I didn't see it that way.
My kids were the most important part of my life. But, I always assumed that Donna would be there to support me when I screwed up, even if she thought badly of me.
Now, I don't know the difference between doing well, and screwing up. I am lost for now. I have nothing to work for. I always worked for someone else. I didn't matter that much.

I could use a guardian angel right about now. I need a hand up, not a hand out. I am searching for answers and reasons to keep on going along this path.

No, this isn't suicidal by any means. I am referring to the difference between a free style life, and a more organized life.

In other words, should I follow the straight and narrow path and get a "real" job, or should I take a chance and leave the "normal" lifestyle and pursue my dream?

So, in addition to these small quandaries, I have to decide how I will deal with people. I also have to decide whether to sell the house, or keep it. I have emptied it out for the most part, but still have a long way to go.

I have been writing this blog for:

• I started out being so excited for my new life, that I wanted everyone to feel as good as me. So, I wrote it to brag and hope that others felt the same way. If they didn't, I hoped they could.
• As time went on, I began to tire of trying to convince others that I knew what I was doing, and started using the blog to complain or express my thoughts so that someone might consider me as something special. I wanted to be someone who really knew what they were doing.
• Now, I am grieving and using it for the most part to vent and get rid of the stress of my present situation. It's an outlet, although not a perfect one. I still would like to spend time talking and listening in person. And, I wouldn't mind a bit of one on one conversation.

The voice in my head keeps interrupting me, so I don't always think clearly. When I write it down, sometimes, the voice is silenced, allowing me to get my thoughts organized. Thank God for spell check, and the ability to cut and paste.

So today, as I drink my second cup of French Press coffee, I need to:

• Finish working on my songs.
• Build my new BBQ grill. I bought it because it was under $100 and I miss being able to make a real steak with veggies on the grill. I also make killer chicken. I do have to go out and buy a new propane tank since I gave the old one away last year.
• Empty off the porch, sweep and clean it.
• Clean out the bedroom. Too many boxes need to be organized and stored. All over the house, not just the bedroom.
  
• Call the new doctors and get that process started to switch over my records.
  
• Call Comcast to see if I can get them to help me set up my network. (I may just call a friend and pay him to do the work).
• Scrub the kitchen floor. It really needs to be cleaned. Donna used to do this until about two years ago. Then, I had my future daughter in law to do it. I would pay her. It was just one of those jobs I couldn't do.

I have accomplished so much. The problem is, can I live in a dirty house while I follow my dream of playing and singing again.
This is one long post. I have one more thing to say, and then I'll start working on my list and a dozen other things I didn't include, like working on the yard.

On more thing:
When I got married, it was with the understanding that we would work together to make things work. I didn't know anything about marriage, only that it meant that there was actually someone who loved me enough to stick with me no matter how screwed up I was.
There was the understanding that we would both work together to get all the things finished that needed to be done. We would give up what we had to in order to make sure our partnership survived.
We always argued with the understanding that no matter what, we would never leave each other. That was the one thing that kept me sane.
All of the jobs in the house that needed to be done, were shared. If she was home, she did it, If I was home I did it. We sometimes did more than we had to just so the other person could have a break.
As the years went on, I did more and more at home because I could see that Donna couldn't do it. I did things that I could do to make things easier for her, but there were many times that I just couldn't do it anymore and needed a break. Many times, I didn't get that break. That was mostly towards the end, and I didn't always understand why she didn't help. I feel badly about that because I didn't see the obvious many times. That hurts me, but I also know that I did what I could. The pain is overwhelming sometimes.

Now, there is no one to do anything but me. I remember seeing bachelor pads that were dirty and sloppy. I would rather live in a clean house, but I don't think that is an option if I want to get anything finished that matters in the real world.

• One of my options is to hire a maid which I can't afford, but may do just to catch up.
• Another one is to store stuff that I don't use in the basement and close off the parts of the house I don't use in order to make my chores as simple as possible. I like the idea of having all the room I have now. The house is OK, and I've been here a long time. There are variations on this that I will work on.
  
• Sell the house, pay off my few debts, and move into an apartment or part of a house. While this will save me money in the long run, it will probably cause more problems that I don't want to deal with.

So, I think I will stay here, and face my troubles head on, as I have been doing.

Alone

Happy anniversary, Donna. I love you and miss you.

Life is good!