So, how did I get into this mess in the first place? How did I gain all the weight? How did I let myself go?
I think tradition had something to do with it.
"Eat everything on your plate. People in Europe are starving!"
"You can't get up from the table until you eat your vegetables!"
" Look at you! You're skin and bones!"
"You're so skinny, you have to run around in the shower to get wet!"
I heard them all, and then some. Over the years, my Jewish heritage and the guilt trip that was thrown upon me, caused me to learn to feel bad if I was full and there was something left on the plate. I couldn't walk away.
And then, when I left the nest and started to fend for myself, I made poor choices in food in order to save money. Foods that filled me up, loaded with fat, pasta, bread. Low in protein, high in fat. Sugar, salt, and did I mention sugar?
The interesting thing, is that after two years, you would think that I should have learned how to eat, right?
Nope. I'm still learning.
I still feel guilty when I leave something on the plate. I have gotten better at it because I use smaller portions, but I still can't walk away without the guilt.
Now, if you look at the comment made by Donna in the last post, I am sitting up writing this post because I feel obligated to answer her. Even though it is 2:21am, and I just got up to go to the bathroom.
But, this is a good thing because tradition has been tugging at me all night long, and I haven't slept well. This tradition doesn't have to do with eating, although the same guilty feeling is there. It has to do with the arrangements I am forced to make because of my wife's situation.
I have to make funeral arrangements ahead of time, because that's the way I'm made. I become obsessed with order and neatness, and want to make sure everything is done ahead of time.
"What would the neighbors think?"
I have to make some unpopular decisions because, although I would like to have a top of the line funeral with all the bells and whistles, I can't afford it.
My children want an open casket so that they can see my wife before she goes into the ground. This will cost about $2000.00 extra because of the preparations they have to do to the body.
I can't afford it. It seems that every government organization is trying to take what little I have left.
There are so many fees that are so unnecessary in my opinion, that it will cost way more than I need it to.
My wife's disease hasn't been kind to her. I still see her for who she was and is. I don't really care about her appearance. I love her, not her looks.
But, I would rather have people remember her for who she was, not how she looked in a coffin.
My children feel otherwise, and they are causing me much pain and suffering because of that.
I am still dealing with all of the things involved with watching a friend, lover, wife and mother of my children have her life taken away by cancer and it's side effects.
I am now dealing with the pain and suffering of watching my children suffering.
Cancer is not a pretty sight.
I was prepared for a lot of things in my life. I was prepared for the weight loss surgery ahead of time by a great team.
God helped me many times over the years when I didn't think I could survive. He is helping me now.
But, I state here for my record:
I hate tradition!
It has been the most destructive influence in my entire life. It has done it's best to keep me from really getting the most out of life.
It has caused me pain and suffering and will continue to do so every day for the rest of my life.
In order for me to break free from patterns that have caused my weight gain, along with the physical hunger I have suffered, I have had to fight tradition and the disabling guilt it carries with it.
In order for me to find peace, I will have to move away from tradition and learn a new way of life after my wife dies, which should be very soon.
I may lose my home, which is the home she grew up in (tradition said we had to own it after her father died). I made this place our own, even though tradition told her that we couldn't make the kitchen more efficient because of "tradition".
"That's the way it's always been".
I painted the walls outrageous colors to break that tradition, even though it's always been painted neutral colors in case we had to sell it.
Tradition! Bah!
I got rid of things, even though they've been in the family for ever. Even though they were broken, and beyond repair, we had to keep them....because of TRADITION!
My mother was a clean nut. That's what we called her obsession for cleanliness.
We would dust and vacuum every day. We couldn't let the dishes sit in the sink. They had to be done right after dinner.
I looked at this as a good thing. It kept things more sanitary.
Because of the demands of life in the past 34 years, we couldn't follow through and keep things as neat, clean or organized as I would have liked.
Now, I am alone in the house and I am keeping it clean for the first time since I got married. I am organizing it as never before. I am fixing things that have been worn out or broken. I am getting rid of tons of waste, and freeing up the space it took up.
And now, my children are being confronted by TRADITION!
They will have to decide what they will do about tradition.
But from here on out, I will fight tradition with every ounce of strength I have.
My tradition will become, no tradition.
Then, when I am finished fighting tradition, I will move onto the next battle.
GUILT!
I think tradition had something to do with it.
"Eat everything on your plate. People in Europe are starving!"
"You can't get up from the table until you eat your vegetables!"
" Look at you! You're skin and bones!"
"You're so skinny, you have to run around in the shower to get wet!"
I heard them all, and then some. Over the years, my Jewish heritage and the guilt trip that was thrown upon me, caused me to learn to feel bad if I was full and there was something left on the plate. I couldn't walk away.
And then, when I left the nest and started to fend for myself, I made poor choices in food in order to save money. Foods that filled me up, loaded with fat, pasta, bread. Low in protein, high in fat. Sugar, salt, and did I mention sugar?
The interesting thing, is that after two years, you would think that I should have learned how to eat, right?
Nope. I'm still learning.
I still feel guilty when I leave something on the plate. I have gotten better at it because I use smaller portions, but I still can't walk away without the guilt.
Now, if you look at the comment made by Donna in the last post, I am sitting up writing this post because I feel obligated to answer her. Even though it is 2:21am, and I just got up to go to the bathroom.
But, this is a good thing because tradition has been tugging at me all night long, and I haven't slept well. This tradition doesn't have to do with eating, although the same guilty feeling is there. It has to do with the arrangements I am forced to make because of my wife's situation.
I have to make funeral arrangements ahead of time, because that's the way I'm made. I become obsessed with order and neatness, and want to make sure everything is done ahead of time.
"What would the neighbors think?"
I have to make some unpopular decisions because, although I would like to have a top of the line funeral with all the bells and whistles, I can't afford it.
My children want an open casket so that they can see my wife before she goes into the ground. This will cost about $2000.00 extra because of the preparations they have to do to the body.
I can't afford it. It seems that every government organization is trying to take what little I have left.
There are so many fees that are so unnecessary in my opinion, that it will cost way more than I need it to.
My wife's disease hasn't been kind to her. I still see her for who she was and is. I don't really care about her appearance. I love her, not her looks.
But, I would rather have people remember her for who she was, not how she looked in a coffin.
My children feel otherwise, and they are causing me much pain and suffering because of that.
I am still dealing with all of the things involved with watching a friend, lover, wife and mother of my children have her life taken away by cancer and it's side effects.
I am now dealing with the pain and suffering of watching my children suffering.
Cancer is not a pretty sight.
I was prepared for a lot of things in my life. I was prepared for the weight loss surgery ahead of time by a great team.
God helped me many times over the years when I didn't think I could survive. He is helping me now.
But, I state here for my record:
I hate tradition!
It has been the most destructive influence in my entire life. It has done it's best to keep me from really getting the most out of life.
It has caused me pain and suffering and will continue to do so every day for the rest of my life.
In order for me to break free from patterns that have caused my weight gain, along with the physical hunger I have suffered, I have had to fight tradition and the disabling guilt it carries with it.
In order for me to find peace, I will have to move away from tradition and learn a new way of life after my wife dies, which should be very soon.
I may lose my home, which is the home she grew up in (tradition said we had to own it after her father died). I made this place our own, even though tradition told her that we couldn't make the kitchen more efficient because of "tradition".
"That's the way it's always been".
I painted the walls outrageous colors to break that tradition, even though it's always been painted neutral colors in case we had to sell it.
Tradition! Bah!
I got rid of things, even though they've been in the family for ever. Even though they were broken, and beyond repair, we had to keep them....because of TRADITION!
My mother was a clean nut. That's what we called her obsession for cleanliness.
We would dust and vacuum every day. We couldn't let the dishes sit in the sink. They had to be done right after dinner.
I looked at this as a good thing. It kept things more sanitary.
Because of the demands of life in the past 34 years, we couldn't follow through and keep things as neat, clean or organized as I would have liked.
Now, I am alone in the house and I am keeping it clean for the first time since I got married. I am organizing it as never before. I am fixing things that have been worn out or broken. I am getting rid of tons of waste, and freeing up the space it took up.
And now, my children are being confronted by TRADITION!
They will have to decide what they will do about tradition.
But from here on out, I will fight tradition with every ounce of strength I have.
My tradition will become, no tradition.
Then, when I am finished fighting tradition, I will move onto the next battle.
GUILT!
