EPD 2011

Note: This post has now been edited. There are some minor changes in content.

The calm before the storm of emotions. I always get it the day before a big event for me.
East Petersburg Day has been a big event for a long time for me. Maybe not for everyone here, but it hits me pretty hard.
I always feel elated afterwards because of the success of the event. There are many people involved, and many of them do way more work than I do. I used to give it everything I had, but now, I pace myself.
I try to do the best I can with the energy I have.
I am still very sore and tired from the Crestor. It is lingering on. My fingers hurt, especially since the temperature dropped.
I was going to practice guitar, but I think I will just survive on what I did before. My heart still isn't in it.
A big event like this also brings back thoughts of my wife. She never participated in the event, even when I asked her to come along. I was always disappointed. It broke my heart that she couldn't be as excited about my work as I was of hers. Even so, I miss her.
A few years ago, she brought over one of the grand kids there that she had agreed to watch for the day. Donna was so exhausted, that she could hardly make it across the field. I had to take over. I stayed with her until she could walk again, then I went and got the car so I could take her home.
Donna was still able to do some things with the grand kids, and she was grateful for that.
I usually go over to the park on Friday evening in order to offer my help, but this year, I am going to stay home. I am so tired and sore.
I will be going over there tomorrow around 8am, and stay there until I am no longer needed, which used to be around 11pm. This year, I am hoping to be home around 7pm.
I am not doing the teen dance since they hired a DJ. It's amazing that I should even worry about it.
In all the years I have worked there, I've done it gratis. I've never asked for or accepted payment for my work. I did it for myself and to prove to my wife that I am worth more than she thought I was.
There have been folks who refuse to donate their time and demand money for the work. I don't understand that. Oh well.
I have some extra money for tomorrow so I can eat. I will not follow my diet for the most part. I will probably buy a sub or hamburger, and will drink lots of water.
I will be behind the stage for most of the day. I will go up on stage to announce the Honor Guard, and Mayor, and will do most of the advertisement microphone work hidden from view.
I will push the "play" button for the recorded music, and may get up to play a few songs onstage, as mentioned above.

I have been seriously considering quitting music altogether. I have never been without it, and wonder if I can actually live without it. I can always go back to it if I change my mind. Maybe I should become an actor, write a book, or do something else that is creative? Hmmmm...
My mind is on other things, and after this event is over, I will put my body into action on those things.

• I will be changing doctors over the next month. I will no longer accept pills as a solution to my aches and pains. Also, no more attempts to defeat my depression. I am no longer depressed. I am anxious to get back into the world.
  
• I will be cleaning out all of the closets upstairs. I will pack everything up and move it into storage in the basement. I want to finish everything up in case I get the chance to move.
• I may paint the closets. I still have paint leftover, and have a few more areas to touch up.
• I need to caulk the porch areas, and may even try my hand at repairing the back bedroom door. Anything I do that is basically labor without parts, will improve my living conditions as well as make it better to sell the house. One less thing to do.
  
• I will be selling off all of the music equipment I no longer need or want. I will keep only what I plan to use. It's strange that I have music equipment stored all over the place. I am going to try to organize it and keep it all in the same place, but don't know if that will work.
  
• I am still trying to be creative, but need to finish all the cleanup in order to see things clearer. So, I will be taking long walks and maybe take my laptop along with me so I can write a bit. I also have a very nice recording unit that I can use to talk out my thoughts if I can. I've found for the most part that I have better luck typing things out than talking into a recorder.
  
• I am on the fence about the new songwriting program I tried. I like it, but wonder if I will ever find my muse. I may buy it sometime down the road, but for now I will pass.
• I am working on a business plan to make some money to replace my school bus driving income and ease the financial situation. I know I won't do well in an inside job, or some other "normal" work environment, so I have to go into business for myself.
• I am still thinking about the snowbird thing. Now is the time to try to do it. I am considering taking a week off and going South to see just what is there and if it fits me. In order to do that, I have to make sure my bus route is taken care of. That's not going to be easy. Lots of prep work.

It's still nice to be alive enough to complain about the pain of hard work. It's also nice to just be alive.

Truckin' without drugs!

At one time, my goal became to ignore all holidays, and people gatherings and just live my life.
I was going to ignore Christmas, New Year's, the 4th of July, etc..
I went to visit a friend the week before Christmas, and wanted to find a place were we could just sit and talk. I thought it would be nice to go to a mall because they had food and drink there and lots of places to sit.
I had forgotten it was the week before Christmas and it was one of the largest malls on the east coast.
I can't believe I was that stupid!
I found out I can't ignore the holidays because they are a major part of American life.

So, I now limit myself and isolate myself when I can. I never liked being part of a crowd, and always felt on the verge of panic whenever I was among lots of people.

I didn't feel that way when I was onstage playing for a crowd. I don't know all the reasons why.

I read lots of books when I was a kid. Many of them involved traveling to places on other planets, or exploring the wilderness. I thought about going to those places and the excitement of all the adventures.

I still dream about them today.

One of the ways I was able to become an explorer and yet still be safe, was to hike with my wife. We would go to trails or parks with trails, and spend hours walking, talking, and taking pictures. I have thousands of pictures on my old PC laptop of those trips.

I miss doing that. The past years and a half, I've stayed very close to home, and I haven't taken any pictures other than the house and East Petersburg events. I realized that this morning after thinking about the destruction of Lee and Irene.

My two favorite rail trails are pretty much inaccessible and probably damaged heavily.

If I want to take a drive, I would have to go South, way South just to be able to drive without running into roadblocks and detours.

Anyway, I figured out that in order for me to get back to some sense of normalcy, I am going to have to get back to "exploring" again soon. I have taken drives, but they were more for my sanity than they were for enjoyment. And, I didn't take any pictures.

Donna and I would go to the disaster areas and take pictures. I still have shots we took going down River road along the Susquehanna during the ice jams. Huge blocks of ice washed up onto the road in the middle of the winter.

We took pictures where ever we went. I haven't done that. I have to do something about that.