I have been in pain for a long time. Most of the pain was in my heart. Not my physical heart, but the other one. That is the one you can't do anything about but live with it.
To a physician, this looks like depression, but I can tell you that it's not. I know what depression feels like and this isn't it.
I will get over this heart pain soon. I am almost out of the woods.
But, I am allowing myself to feel it for a little bit longer.
I have been contemplating extremes. I always do that when I am working on a problem. This allows me to see each edge of the problem so I can work on it and solve it completely.
An variation of "extreme" would be if I were to walk away from everything after closing my bank account and cleaning out my limited retirement account. This would give me enough cash to go somewhere else and start over. This wouldn't work for me because I am too honest and there are so many checkpoints in the States, that my problems would follow me and I would end up no better off than I am now.
The other end of the extreme would be to ignore all my current problems and go for broke in some get rich quick scheme.
The true extremes are life or death, but those are only parameters, not realistic. I can't control when I die unless I consider suicide, which is something I won't do. I don't have any control over "life". I will live as long as I am supposed to live.
So, I will happily stay somewhere in the middle of the two extremes. I may get close to the edge, but it won't be for long. I have no desire to live with "blood pressure raised" situations all the time.
The other pain I have is physical. Have you ever slammed your fingers in a door? If so, you know the kind of pain I am in. After taking that damn statin drug, I had pain like that all over my body. It took several weeks for me to feel better. My whole body still aches just a bit, which could be related to the drug or it could just be old age creeping up on me.
But, the little finger on my left hand feels like it got slammed in a door. The other fingers and thumb are fine. Same with the right hand. It is fine.
So today, I have a doctor's appointment with a new doctor. He is associated with the new hospital and I am hoping this guy works out and is progressive enough to leave me alone and just fix my problems, and not hassle me about cholesterol.
Update: I just came from the new doctor. He gave me Celebrex, which turned out to be a NSAID which is a no no for gastric bypass patients. I will now have to call him and tell him that. I didn't realize at the office that Celebrex was a no no. I told him I couldn't take hard shell pill, only capsules, but I guess I didn't get through to him about the nsaids. Oh well, throw away another doctor.
I spoke with a beautiful woman the other day. She had physical beauty, but also was attractive to me in other ways. She is intelligent, and able to stay focused, which is rare. She also remembers things. I meet many people and have trouble with memory. Always have been that way. Some people can meet you and remember everything you spoke of a month later. Unless you are a close friend and I deal with you on a regular basis, I have a tough time with memory.
So, this woman helped me to focus on myself for a brief moment. She helped me to express my true feelings just for a minute. It felt good to be able to do that without feeling self centered or conceited. It felt to me as if I had allowed one door to close in my life and was getting ready to open the next door. I always move slowly, and cautiously, so now I am ready to open the door.
I am grateful to her, and she probably doesn't even know what she did for me.
The mirror she provided will allow me to move to the next step. I think I will send her flowers or something.
This weekend will be a bit chilly but will be clear. I am going to have to take a long walk to try to sort through the stress my financial life is now causing. I am again running out of money. I just got notification from the welfare department about wanting information so they can determine if they need to tell me to give something back to them. I wasn't aware that I had gotten anything from them. I turned the first letter over to my lawyer, but she hasn't gotten back to me.
As with all government forms, this one leaves much to be desired. It is all but unintelligible. The information they requested could only apply to someone who is very rich and can afford to hire accountants, and lawyers. I will compose a letter and send it in with the form and hope they don't decide to do anything stupid.
OK, what's next?
To a physician, this looks like depression, but I can tell you that it's not. I know what depression feels like and this isn't it.
I will get over this heart pain soon. I am almost out of the woods.
But, I am allowing myself to feel it for a little bit longer.
I have been contemplating extremes. I always do that when I am working on a problem. This allows me to see each edge of the problem so I can work on it and solve it completely.
An variation of "extreme" would be if I were to walk away from everything after closing my bank account and cleaning out my limited retirement account. This would give me enough cash to go somewhere else and start over. This wouldn't work for me because I am too honest and there are so many checkpoints in the States, that my problems would follow me and I would end up no better off than I am now.
The other end of the extreme would be to ignore all my current problems and go for broke in some get rich quick scheme.
The true extremes are life or death, but those are only parameters, not realistic. I can't control when I die unless I consider suicide, which is something I won't do. I don't have any control over "life". I will live as long as I am supposed to live.
So, I will happily stay somewhere in the middle of the two extremes. I may get close to the edge, but it won't be for long. I have no desire to live with "blood pressure raised" situations all the time.
The other pain I have is physical. Have you ever slammed your fingers in a door? If so, you know the kind of pain I am in. After taking that damn statin drug, I had pain like that all over my body. It took several weeks for me to feel better. My whole body still aches just a bit, which could be related to the drug or it could just be old age creeping up on me.
But, the little finger on my left hand feels like it got slammed in a door. The other fingers and thumb are fine. Same with the right hand. It is fine.
So today, I have a doctor's appointment with a new doctor. He is associated with the new hospital and I am hoping this guy works out and is progressive enough to leave me alone and just fix my problems, and not hassle me about cholesterol.
Update: I just came from the new doctor. He gave me Celebrex, which turned out to be a NSAID which is a no no for gastric bypass patients. I will now have to call him and tell him that. I didn't realize at the office that Celebrex was a no no. I told him I couldn't take hard shell pill, only capsules, but I guess I didn't get through to him about the nsaids. Oh well, throw away another doctor.
I spoke with a beautiful woman the other day. She had physical beauty, but also was attractive to me in other ways. She is intelligent, and able to stay focused, which is rare. She also remembers things. I meet many people and have trouble with memory. Always have been that way. Some people can meet you and remember everything you spoke of a month later. Unless you are a close friend and I deal with you on a regular basis, I have a tough time with memory.
So, this woman helped me to focus on myself for a brief moment. She helped me to express my true feelings just for a minute. It felt good to be able to do that without feeling self centered or conceited. It felt to me as if I had allowed one door to close in my life and was getting ready to open the next door. I always move slowly, and cautiously, so now I am ready to open the door.
I am grateful to her, and she probably doesn't even know what she did for me.
The mirror she provided will allow me to move to the next step. I think I will send her flowers or something.
This weekend will be a bit chilly but will be clear. I am going to have to take a long walk to try to sort through the stress my financial life is now causing. I am again running out of money. I just got notification from the welfare department about wanting information so they can determine if they need to tell me to give something back to them. I wasn't aware that I had gotten anything from them. I turned the first letter over to my lawyer, but she hasn't gotten back to me.
As with all government forms, this one leaves much to be desired. It is all but unintelligible. The information they requested could only apply to someone who is very rich and can afford to hire accountants, and lawyers. I will compose a letter and send it in with the form and hope they don't decide to do anything stupid.
OK, what's next?
