Stuck for a bit

I have been documenting my dreams in an effort to make sense of them and to get unstuck. It's all part of my quest to move forward. Every night, the brain goes through this process of defragging. The information the brain works on are pieces of events we experienced previously. We apparently don't take the time to sort them out when they happen, so the brain takes these pieces and place them into some sort of order while we sleep so that we don't end up losing touch with reality. Dreams are just the part of that process that we remember. When we look at them after we are awake, we can figure out stuff we need to in order to feel a little better about things.

I have dreams of meeting dead relatives, and friends. I have lived through many of the events I shared with my wife in my dreams so that I can make peace with myself and her spirit. This has resulted in concentration that has robbed me of some quality sleep these past few weeks. But, it's been necessary. I need to resolve these things, or I will end up blaming myself for things I have no control over. Those times have passed. I can't allow them to rule my life or I won't get anything useful done.

While I'm awake:

It seems that I have so many things to do, that given the opportunity to do something useful, rather than necessary, I choose the latter.

I clean the house, or organize something. I plan something out, then go do something else. I get swamped once a week or so, and I just shut down. This happened yesterday.

I used to have the energy to work late into the night, and then with a few hours sleep, go on with the next day. Now, if I don't get my nap every day, I am a mess, and it just gets worse.

My energy levels are at new highs compared to what I did 10 years ago, and as recently as 3 years ago, but I am getting older. I've written about this again and again. I got stuck on it because I am trying to conquer it.

I used to be a clean nut, and now I have that chance again and am trying to follow through with it. I just don't have the time or energy to do it all. Oh well, one thing at a time.

• It is too soon to start dating again. I would like female companionship, but I now have different values. I am not looking for more kids, so the next relationship I hope to have will concentrate just on the two of us, with minor distractions for the kids and grand kids. They will be a part of my life, not the majority of my life as it used to be. 

• Holding hands again would be oh so nice!

• I am really starting to enjoy the fact that I am the only one living here. I like the solitude, but not the loneliness, if that makes sense.

• The thought of going back into the crazy, sick society bothers me. I don't want to play the games again. I don't want to get dressed up. I never quite figured out why I had to anyway. I would rather live most of my life in casual clothing, blending in, not standing out.

• I am not fat anymore. I am almost normal. I can hide the excess flab around my belly with clothing just fine. I look like a typical, normal older man. I feel like a teenager.

• The world still fascinates me.

• I like speaking correctly, and spelling the same way. I hate the new shorthand in both speech and typing.

• I love the new technology, but haven't tried a Wii or video games. I still don't understand the extra appeal of Blu Ray, and I haven't figured out if I can download stuff onto my cell phone without paying for it.

• I still find myself stuck in front of the TV for hours when I should be doing something else. I can't move the treadmill to the Living room, because it won't fit, and I won't move the TV to the basement. I also won't buy a second TV for the basement.

• I miss my wife.

• I miss my old friends. I tried to organize a get together for old friends in my old hometown, but so far, it hasn't worked. I would love to sit with people and just talk for hours again, like we used to when we were kids. I know people today have other obligations, but it would be nice. I guess I'll have to settle for Facebook.

Over the next few days, I will be trying my hardest to do two things:

1. Finish painting the living room.
2. Learning how to program the IMAC for recording my music.

The first on is the toughest because it should be the easiest and it isn't. I hate painting. I know I can just dig in and finish it, but everything inside of me is fighting to keep me from finishing the job. I have the whole house to finish. I just did some finishing work on the new enclosed porch. I just installed doorbells.

• Today, I made up a ground buffalo meat/rice combination so I would have some variety to my meals. I promised myself I would go out to eat two nights in a row, and instead made buffalo. It kept me from going out into the cold, and I thought it might allow me to paint some more. I did manage to paint some trim this morning, and after this piece is written, I will try once again to finish the one wall so I can start to move the furniture back. I did get the one set of curtains hung along with the new rods.

So now, I will stop writing this to edit it, and then I will go out and try to do the wall.

Life is good!

Wish me luck.

Just had to write something

I took possession of a new IMAC desktop computer yesterday and I wanted to comment about it here.

I spent time setting it up yesterday, and still don't understand much about it, but if it works, I will be able to record my music and move forward in a big way very soon. 

There are many things about it that are not quite right yet. I don't think I have it set up the way it should be. But, like all computers, there is a learning curve.

Looking at it compared to my Dell laptop, that I bought less than a year ago, is like the difference between a Ford and a Rolls Royce. The craftsmanship is amazing. This thing is a work of art. The mouse has no buttons on it, but has 4 functions built in and all you have to do is touch it.

• It has a left button
• It has a right button
• It has a slide sideways thingy
• It will scroll

All of this without buttons!

The keyboard is very small with large keys, and is very easy to type with once you get the hang of it. One problem I have is that it is missing keys, or I just haven't found them yet.

• No backspace key. I'm sure there is a backspace function there somewhere, I just haven't found it yet.
• No beginning or end keys. I always correct my spelling as I go and I use those keys a lot. But right now, I don't know where they are. I have heard there is a larger keyboard available, and if I don't find the missing strokes, I may just have to invest in one.
• No page up or down keys. They have to be here somewhere!

The keyboard and mouse are wireless and the computer is mounted in the monitor, which is huge, by the way. There are no wires anywhere! Wow! When I go to my Dell, I have to climb through the maze to get there and I have to be careful to not pull anything out. The mouse is not as easy to slide around as I would like. I have to move it so far to get to another part of the screen. I think there is an adjustment somewhere, but again, I haven't had time to look.

When I say the monitor is huge, I mean in viewing size, not actual size. It has a 21 inch diagonal screen. It is super clear, not anything like the Dell.

The footprint on the table is so small compared to the Dell.

I am hoping to use this as a tool, and not so much as a toy.

It has stereo speakers, a camera and mic built in. They came with the unit, not as an add on with the Dell. The software I needed came loaded, plus I have disc backup, that the Dell doesn't have.

Ergonomically, this thing is very nice. It's easy to use and see everything I need to see.

I downloaded a variety of programs I use on the Dell, and they work flawlessly. I still have to figure out the best way to transfer pictures over. Apple has a nice program where I can make collages with music, and I plan to do a tribute to Donna that I couldn't do with Open Office on my Dell.

I will leave my music alone for now since I am going to fill this drive with my own music soon.

All in all, if this computer works out, I will be transferring everything over to it and probably sell the Dell, along with a pile of other stuff I have accumulated. This will help offset the cost of the new computer, which isn't that much when you consider all the stuff it comes with. It really is a wonder.

If PCs were this nice, Apple wouldn't have a chance.

I have downloaded security software and installed it even though they say Macs don' get hacked all that often, but I am not taking any chances.

My exercise program this week consisted of moving construction materials for the porch, and painting. Last night, I installed one of the curtain rods, and hung my first curtains. I was very slow because I didn't want to make mistakes that i couldn't repair. It seems to have worked well, although I am not too happy with the new curtain colors. I will look around for better colors and materials with my next purchase.

I went for a long walk last night after bundling up. It really wasn't that cold, but I was for some reason. I couldn't get warm yesterday. My new winter layers are wonderful and I felt very comfortable walking. I stopped by the grave site, and found that the stone had been installed. I couldn't take a picture of it because my cell doesn't have a flash. But, it looks just like it's supposed to look and I am pleased.

Today, I have to go look at doors at Home Depot, and then I'm going to go to a candle shop to stock up for the winter. I like scented candles in the house. They smell better than the house after years of people and animals. Once I get the carpet cleaned or replaced, that aroma should dissipate somewhat.