August 27, 2010

walking

In the hot, humid summer, it's no fun to walk.
In the bitter cold of the winter, it's no fun to walk.
But, every once in awhile, the weather is just right.
I found that there are more of those "just right" times in the early mornings just before dawn. It is usually calm, cooler, and less humid than other times of the day. At least it is here in manure country.
In other parts of the country, you need to watch out for bears. Here in manure country, at this time of the morning, you need to watch out for skunks. You can almost smell them above the aroma of manure and sludge.
I have been under an extreme amount of stress lately. My wife died on August 14, and the sheer amount of personal emotions are surrounded by the stupidity of paperwork in all of it's modern variations.
The powers that be won't allow me to grieve. They want to make my life as miserable as possible because it makes them feel better.
Sometimes, I want to go postal on them. But, I won't. I wouldn't know who to shoot, and I can't shoot them all.
So, for the past month or two even before my wife died, while she was in the nursing home, I have been sleeping lousy. My patterns are all messed up, and I need my patterns!
I get up around 2am. and can't get back to sleep. Sometimes, I go back to bed around 5:30 and sleep until 8:00am. Not a good pattern for me.
I have been taking naps for years. I love my naps. Now, I need them more than ever.
This morning, I got up at 3:00am, and got dressed in my workout clothing.
I gathered up an extra bag of trash and took it to the curb.
I made breakfast and sat and watched TV for one episode (I am now caught up).
Then, I went out and took a walk.
The temperature was 55 or so. There were no clouds, and no breeze.
My gear consisted of my cell and blue tooth, tube of glucose tablets, house key, and flashlight.
I have many different paths I can take. I just got two new pair of walking shoes. One looks like sneakers, but has a wider base that is flatter, so it's not easy to jog, but great for stability in walking.
My flashlight has a handle that allows me to carry it several ways. I pump the handle and it projects a beam of LED light that goes very bright and fades quickly. It does a nice job of attracting attention when cars approach. Otherwise, I walk in the dark. The roads are clean and smooth here with no real hazards for walking.
The route I take has been measured by me to be 4 miles round trip, if I follow the entire thing. There are variations which allow me to shorten the trip several times in each direction. Since I have had problems with low blood sugar, I have used the shorter route many times.
I also know distances for the shorter routes, although I rarely walk less than a mile.
I have found that if I breathe in a rhythm, that is, I breathe in cadence to my walking, that I tend to hyperventilate.
So, I walk in one rhythm, and breathe as normally as I can, slowly and deeply. I take deep breaths whenever I think about it, and stretch my chest, back, and shoulders to stay flexible.
I don't walk until just after I eat, usually about 20 minutes or more afterwords. My new pouch isn't a happy camper if I exercise right after eating.
The leg muscles pump the blood for the heart, giving it a break when you walk. The heart gets the chance to rest if you let it. This helps relieve stress.
The better shape you are in, the faster you can walk. I walk much faster now than I did three years ago.
The cooler air, and the clear sky felt like heaven to me this morning. I am now a bit more relaxed, although my paperwork problems are still here. I am also tired now, so I think I will go take a shower and try to get another hour of rest.

August 22, 2010

A list


This post has to do with my life.
Of course, I wouldn't be able to write this had I not had the WLS. I would have been dead sometime last year. I wouldn't have been able to be there for my wife these past 7 months.

So, I am making a list of things I want to do. It helps me to get it out of my head so I can see it. The voices in my head distort things, so if I get the ideas out, I can look at them while the voices are sleeping.
  • I have to write. I believe I will need some type of solitude, along with simplicity in my life to be able to write. There are too many distractions in every day life. I have a house here with some rooms not being used. I may just seal one off from the outside world and just write from time to time.
  • I have to play. I never really succeeded in writing the music that is inside my head. I need to do that. It's way past the time.
  • I have to lose weight. Another 40 pounds would be really nice. But, I'll settle for.....40!
  • I need to get back on the horse. Nuff said!
Others need me right now, but I have to start taking care of myself. If the world closes in and I have to go back to work, I will lose the last chance I have to reach my goals. I can't work at a real job without losing all my energy to it. I know this for a fact. I can either be creative, or I can work. I can't do both.

So, this is my list.

My bucket list is much different and doesn't involve creativity. I will write that list another time.

Monday, I go back to work as a school bus driver. I have to get my physical, and go to the driver's meeting.
Tuesday, I have to pick out a gravestone. I don't start driving officially until the 30th (I think), but I have to lay out my route and call my kids. The route and kids can change before then too. It's the worst part of the job. Once I get into the routine, I will feel better. For now, it's just stress.