Last year, during this time, my life was in turmoil.
My wife was in the process of going through her chemotherapy to reduce the tumors. There were two choices she could make:
- The slower/safer course using older technology. this involved taking a pill every day and then getting checked. it would have taken 6 months or so to reduce the tumors, and then they could take care of them.
- Advanced chemotherapy. This is a severe method that works quickly. She would go for a 6 hour treatment once a week for 4 to 6 weeks. They would keep track of her body chemistry to make sure she was tolerating it. It would make her hair fall out, and would put her at severe risk for infections and other problems. There are also long term side effects.
I was skeptical about the heavy duty stuff and wanted her to go with the slower/gentler course which was the old way of doing things. that technology was proven, but it also was much slower.She chose the second course of chemo because she believed she was strong enough to handle it, and she wanted the tumors to be reduced quickly so she could get back to her normal life. Radiation therapy was not an option since she had already had that when she was a teen.
We were getting ready for the holiday, and had no idea where things would go.
I was heartbroken because I could see Donna getting sicker and sicker. I was worried about her, and also worried about me. I didn't know what would happen if she died. I didn't know what would happen to me. Yes, I was a bit self centered. Who isn't?
Donna made it through the first 3 courses of chemo before she started losing her hair. I took her to a lady who had been through the chemo herself and sold wigs and scarfs as well as being a beautician. She cut Donna's hair off and fitted her for the wig.
Donna never got to wear the wig more than a few times before she went into the hospital for the last time. The chemo knocked her down and she never got back up. She tried to recover, but there were too many things going against her.
This is the first year I am on my own since she died in August. I remember the horrible feeling of being totally helpless, not being able to do anything to protect her. How else did I handle things?
Well, the first thing to be sacrificed was my health. I was so worried about the future, that I started buying easy meals. They are called "Steamers". They are fairly healthy, considering that they are pre-packaged.
I stopped formally exercising, instead to go out and walk. I lost sleep, and spent hours fighting the urge to run and hide instead of going to see her waste away, sick and weak.
I am still in that pattern. I haven't been able to break it, yet I am content because my weight hasn't gone up. I still take my vitamins. I drink my liquid. I walk quite a bit, and I have been cleaning the house out.
I am in the process of painting the place, and have been fighting to play my guitar again, which I should be able to do next week, God willing.
I have been going for counseling and that has helped a lot.
I have been noticing that others who don't have the trauma to deal with also have been fighting their own demons. Once I got beyond a certain point, I found that the old habits tried to creep back into my life. They have disguised themselves, and that makes it tough to continue to lose weight. But, I have always said and believed that the surgery was a tool and not a cure.
I am grateful this year that I don't have to celebrate the holiday that was never mine to begin with. I have my own beliefs, and they don't concern you or anyone else unless I tell you about them, or you ask me. I hate it when people try to force their beliefs on me, which is why I am grateful for a break this year from Christmas.
I gave away my lights, and decorations.
I am simplifying my life, and since I really can't leave here this year, it is a good thing.
I am still in mourning, but I am moving towards a future that is bright because of my prayers, and God's grace to grant me the ability to see what's next.
I miss Donna.
Life is good.
