God was testing me the past two days.
I don't know if I passed or failed. I imagine it doesn't much matter.
It's been 6 months since my wife has been home. She left without looking back, and even though she still looks at this as her home, she will never again set foot in it.
We have lived here since 1992.
I've tried to make this our home and not a museum for her dead parents.
Yesterday, I realized that she had been away from the house for 6 months (as stated above). She went into the hospital on February 8, 2010, and is now in a nursing home.
That thought hit me pretty hard.
This was our home.
Now, because of her illness, this is my home.
If I am allowed to keep it, it will continue to be my home.
I can do anything to it, within reason of course, that I want.
I don't have to compromise. I don't have to argue. I don't have to do anything that I don't want.
I like that. I also hate it. It hurts so bad.
Before the storm hit yesterday, I was on my way home from BJs wholesale club. I bought my stock of Chobani Yogurt, and other stuff.
I always, always, always, hesitate to buy something I want but don't need. yesterday was no different. I decided I wanted another 6 foot table so I could set up more stuff. I have a lot of stuff that I am working on, and wanted the table space. I could have done without and just moved stuff around, but this way I would be able to go from one task to the other without moving anything.
I know I should have saved the money, but, I've been holding back for so many years, that I am just letting go.
Donna always told me to "wait" until I finished this before doing that. Or, to wait until this happened so that I could do that. I could never, ever do it now.
So, now, I bought music equipment I didn't need, but wanted. I am going to enjoy using it all, but I really could have done without. But, it made me happy, and I want to be happy. I am so lonely and sad right now.
So, this tree coming down yesterday was a sign from God to me.
I was being tested.
I was awake at 2am. last night, and I prayed.
I prayed for my wife. She has been comfortable for the most part, but has been getting slowly worse. I prayed some more for her.
I know I will be taken care of. But, I needed to make sure she was taken care of.
Sometimes, I feel like Job. But, I don't think I'm that important for God to even take notice of me.
After I prayed, I thanked God for all my blessings.
My kids and grand kids.
All the toys I have been allowed to have.
The air conditioned house I am allowed to call mine.
I am worried about the future. I can't afford to live here or anywhere on what I am making driving school bus, so I have to do something else.
I want to play my guitar and sing, but I don't know if I can do that and succeed. I don't need to be rich and famous. I just need to make enough to pay the bills and have some left over for a vacation every once in awhile.
Oh how I need a vacation.
So, the tree guy will come over later today and chop up the branch that fell, and remove the debris. I can afford what he is charging. It was so reasonable. I hope he lives up to his promise and does the job right. So far, I've been blessed to find good people who do good work.
I asked him to come back at the end of the summer and I would pay him to take the rest of the tree down. There are parts of the tree that will surely damage the house with the next storm.
The test? I think God wanted to see if I was crazy enough to try to take the branch apart myself instead of doing the things I really needed to do but have been putting off. If I had tried, I probably would have hurt myself. I am stronger now with the WLS, but I know my limits.
Now, you can see some of what I am going through. If I can do this and survive, you can too. Don't lose faith. If you get stuck, just stop and count your blessings, and then get back up there and continue the journey.
I don't know if I passed or failed. I imagine it doesn't much matter.
It's been 6 months since my wife has been home. She left without looking back, and even though she still looks at this as her home, she will never again set foot in it.
We have lived here since 1992.
I've tried to make this our home and not a museum for her dead parents.
Yesterday, I realized that she had been away from the house for 6 months (as stated above). She went into the hospital on February 8, 2010, and is now in a nursing home.
That thought hit me pretty hard.
This was our home.
Now, because of her illness, this is my home.
If I am allowed to keep it, it will continue to be my home.
I can do anything to it, within reason of course, that I want.
I don't have to compromise. I don't have to argue. I don't have to do anything that I don't want.
I like that. I also hate it. It hurts so bad.
Before the storm hit yesterday, I was on my way home from BJs wholesale club. I bought my stock of Chobani Yogurt, and other stuff.
I always, always, always, hesitate to buy something I want but don't need. yesterday was no different. I decided I wanted another 6 foot table so I could set up more stuff. I have a lot of stuff that I am working on, and wanted the table space. I could have done without and just moved stuff around, but this way I would be able to go from one task to the other without moving anything.
I know I should have saved the money, but, I've been holding back for so many years, that I am just letting go.
Donna always told me to "wait" until I finished this before doing that. Or, to wait until this happened so that I could do that. I could never, ever do it now.
So, now, I bought music equipment I didn't need, but wanted. I am going to enjoy using it all, but I really could have done without. But, it made me happy, and I want to be happy. I am so lonely and sad right now.
So, this tree coming down yesterday was a sign from God to me.
I was being tested.
I was awake at 2am. last night, and I prayed.
I prayed for my wife. She has been comfortable for the most part, but has been getting slowly worse. I prayed some more for her.
I know I will be taken care of. But, I needed to make sure she was taken care of.
Sometimes, I feel like Job. But, I don't think I'm that important for God to even take notice of me.
After I prayed, I thanked God for all my blessings.
My kids and grand kids.
All the toys I have been allowed to have.
The air conditioned house I am allowed to call mine.
I am worried about the future. I can't afford to live here or anywhere on what I am making driving school bus, so I have to do something else.
I want to play my guitar and sing, but I don't know if I can do that and succeed. I don't need to be rich and famous. I just need to make enough to pay the bills and have some left over for a vacation every once in awhile.
Oh how I need a vacation.
So, the tree guy will come over later today and chop up the branch that fell, and remove the debris. I can afford what he is charging. It was so reasonable. I hope he lives up to his promise and does the job right. So far, I've been blessed to find good people who do good work.
I asked him to come back at the end of the summer and I would pay him to take the rest of the tree down. There are parts of the tree that will surely damage the house with the next storm.
The test? I think God wanted to see if I was crazy enough to try to take the branch apart myself instead of doing the things I really needed to do but have been putting off. If I had tried, I probably would have hurt myself. I am stronger now with the WLS, but I know my limits.
Now, you can see some of what I am going through. If I can do this and survive, you can too. Don't lose faith. If you get stuck, just stop and count your blessings, and then get back up there and continue the journey.
