Pictures worth 1000 pounds!

 

305 to 212.

Merry Christmas to all.

Life is Good!

Procrastination

 The picture above is looking into the closet directly from across the room. Notice the angle of the floor. The paint is original from when my father in law painted it years ago. The wood slats are molding that he used to place shelves on. I have two shleves there now, but adding anymore would make it impossible to get into the attic.

 I couldn't get a full shot of the opening because of the angles. The whole house has this molding on every corner. I hate the stuff, but it makes for a smooth edge. The openings would be much bigger without it, and I am making plans to remove and replace a lot of it throughout the house. The wall color in the room is actually flat white, but the reflection of the carpet gives it another hue. The closet is dull brown. Also, the door to the left has rebond padding on it to deaden sound. I originally used the room as my "studio".

 The ladder is hand made and beautiful. It is made from pine, nicely finished, and very thick. It fits inside the closet along the wall. There is a strap with springs that hold it to the wall when not in use. The bottom is angled to fit into the floor of the closet. I have it out so that I could clean the closet. 

This is what I do when I should be doing something else.

I am busy all day and run out of physical and mental steam about 6pm every night.

I get up around 4am every morning, but that seems to be enough time to accomplish most things.

I do get a lot of stuff done, but I have a lot to do yet.

I feel better every day, both physically and mentally.

Next week, I plan to do nothing but work on my music.

I also plan to work on my diet. I thawed out some meat and other animal protein, and will make up some meals that will be very heavy in protein. I am going to start over and try to regain my pattern of weight loss and exercise.

I know that my eating patterns can be altered now, and will try to get back to basics.

Last night, I grabbed a trash bag and filled it with stuff from yet one more closet. This closet is important because it is a portal into another dimension. Yes, I have one of those in my home. I have been there many times in the years I have owned the home, but haven't been there recently.

It's a place of opposites. When the house is warm, it is cold.

There is no weather there, and only 3 lights.

I am talking about the attic, of course.

Our attic has a small access hole in my closet. There is no other way to get there right now. I know neighbors have cut openings in their hallway, and added fold up stairways, but I haven't.

Anyway, the closet that houses the hole to the attic is strange. It is not rectangular. It is placed in a small space just above the basement stairs, so the floor is angled and uneven to make room for the stairway going down to the basement below it.

The hole into the attic is just large enough to fit  a human body, so anything that is stored up there has to be small enough to fit through the hole. It is covered with a piece of plywood, and this seals the heat and cold from coming down into the house.

My In-laws owned the house before us, so when we got the house, I went up there for the first time to see what was there. I found a small metal box with old canceled checks, some suitcases, and lots of leftover pieces of holiday wrapping paper. There were no pots of gold, or millions of dollars worth of bearer bonds, unfortunately.

I did disconnect the attic fan that was on a thermostat because as a fireman, I have seen way too many of them catch on fire and cause much damage. It's not worth the few penny's of savings. The darn things are noisy, and waste more energy than they save.

The reason for going up there this time, is to see what I can see of the area over the porch that I just enclosed. The ceiling there is made up of some type aluminum, and the heat goes right up and away from the room. This keeps the porch area cold. I tried setting up a space heater to see if it would help, but no luck.

I know the attached garage on the other side of the porch has a firewall made of brick, so there is no access from there, but I don't know what is visible from the attic. 

As I go from one area of the house to another, I finish work that was started when I moved in. I always had something else more important to do, or some other excuse to not do it. Now, I have time, energy, and a little bit of money to finish things. Much of the work takes little or no money.

• Paint is fairly cheap. You paint once every 19 years and you're fine. $200 for paint and supplies divided by 19 years is a drop in the bucket. The tough part is the prep work, and trying not to make a mess. I hate ceiling painting too.
• I can't imagine how they insulated the attic all those years ago, if they had to move the insulation through that little opening. I imagine they did the insulation before they put the roof on. Anyway, the attic needs new insulation, so I will be looking into doing that myself to save some bucks. It can't be that hard. I can use the exercise.
• I need to clean out the garage, and maybe throw some insulation up there too. The garage gets pretty cold in the winter, making handy jobs out there almost impossible. The walls are cinder block and brick, so it's like being in a freezer. It stays cold there even after the temperature outside goes up in the spring.

There are things around the house that have worn out. They could be replaced, but they aren't that big a deal if I don't get to them. There will always be things like that. They drive me crazy, but there is really nothing I could do about them all at once, so I keep chipping away at them.

• There is a remote garage door opener that is attached to the wall inside the house so I can open the door before I go out. It hasn't worked since I replaced the batteries years ago. There was a way to program it, but I never figured it out. I will probably take it off the wall and throw it out when I paint. I hardly ever used it anyway. 
• The garage door cable needs to be replaced. I can buy the cable cheap at the hardware store and restring it, but I haven't bothered because the door works fine.
• I need to replace the garage door from a decorative point of view. It is still functional, but it's old and ugly. Painting it won't work. It needs to be replaced. The railing where the wheels are is also worn out, and they have probably improved the openers too over the years. I can't do that part myself. I'll have to contract out.
• The roof doesn't leak, but there are areas that should be fixed. The rain gutters have never been attached properly. They drain water, but when it rains heavily, the water runs right over them. The basement flooded when we first moved in, and channeling the water away from the house fixed that problem. There is a spot near the edge of the driveway that leaks onto the driveway in the winter. It freezes just where you want to step to get into the house. I haven't been able to fix that. I need a pro to do it. I covered the rain gutters with cheap grids from Home Depot and cut the trees down, so now I don't need to clean out the gutters, but I would like to replace the gutters with professional looking covers. I may try that myself next year, By the way, if you can do it yourself, you will save thousands of dollars. The materials cost about $200.00. Even the seamed gutters do a great job if they are done right. A bit of silicone seals the seams nicely and it lasts forever. The toppers just snap on and the downspouts are also plug and play. I just haven't gotten around to it yet.

Add to that, lots of other little things, like going out and buying new light switch covers, etc. and you have a lot of work to do. Last night, I replaced the ceiling light glass cover in the kitchen that has been in the closet for years since it wouldn't fit on with the new, large CFLs. I replaced the large CFLs with smaller, more powerful ones, and now the cover is back on. It looks better. The kitchen needs more lighting, but that will have to wait. For now, one fixture with two bulbs will have to do.

I can feel the pounds drifting away from just thinking about all the work that needs to be done. I guess it's time to go out and make it happen.

Life is Good!

Holy, Holy, Holy, Cow.

Now, is the time for my next step.

Life has always intervened or interrupted me while I'm trying to do things. I understand that this is part of the process. But, I sometimes wish I could just plow on through and ignore life for awhile.

The Christmas season is upon us here in the United States of America. This means that retailers are clamoring for our business. 

It means a guilt trip that is thrown upon parents and grandparents to buy things for our kids and grand kids. Otherwise, we will feel guilty that we have deprived them of something they should have.

It is a religious holiday also, but that has been overshadowed by the business people in order for them to make up for losses the rest of the year.

Ever since Dan Brown has become popular and famous, I have looked into the meaning of the holiday.

When I was a Jewish kid growing up, I couldn't quite understand the difference between the religions.

Why was I a Jew, and other were Christians?

Why did they have a bigger holiday than me?

I never got the answers to those and other questions, until I started studying the different religions. The answers I got did not glorify religion, as much as they glorified God.

My beliefs have never really changed, however, I have evolved and learned much that many of the people don't know. If they did, it might ruin the holiday season, and I really don't want to do that to them.

I celebrate the holiday along with them because, it is easier, and it is fun.

I didn't start out to write about this subject, so I will move on.

So, as long as I can remember, I have wanted to hibernate from the holiday. I have wanted to go somewhere that the holiday isn't celebrated as much, and not come back until it is over.

I love seeing the lights. I hate the crowds. I hate the fact that radio stations play horrible music just because the song mentions Christmas in some way.

I enjoy the traditional Christmas songs, yet the stations don't really play them that often.

I hate the fact that two of the radio stations in the area go 100% Christmas music just after Halloween as if the whole world is Christian. 

I don't mind saying "Merry Christmas", even though it's not my holiday.

Ooops. There I go again.

Christmas brings back memories. 

This year has been brutal for me. My wife was a big part of the grandkids lives during this holiday. Now, I am it. I don't celebrate the holiday because it's not mine, yet my kids and grand kids do. I don't feel at all "jolly", Never have.

So, what memories do I have? Thousands of little things. Good things, bad things. Scary things. 

As a kid, I remember going to the grandparents house for dinner. I remember lighting the candles for Hanukkah, and saying the prayers. But, I never knew why I was saying them, or what they meant. I did know what the holiday was for. I also found out that it was a minor holiday for Jews, but it was blown up to compete with the Christmas holiday.

I remember getting gifts and crying in private about them. You can read a previous blog to help understand that. I finally got a rational explanation that still doesn't help much with emotions. But, at least I now understand why.

I remember Santa riding on the fire truck, and sitting on his lap. Not much of that made sense either.

One year, my Mother told me that we wouldn't be celebrating Christmas or Easter anymore because it wasn't "Kosher". I asked her when it was going to be Kosher again? I didn't get an answer.

I remember when I was a little older, going to my best friend's home every year just to say hi. I remember talking to his mother and enjoying the time spent with old friends. His mother is gone now, and that's sad. I miss her.

I also remember taking the trip to my home town (Levittown) every year by myself to see the 3 houses I grew up in and being upset at how they changed. They were different every time I went back until I just didn't recognize them anymore.

I remember going to my Mom's grave and talking to her about things. I wish I could go there more often. I used to try to get Donna to visit her Parent's graves, but she wouldn't go. Sometimes, I would take her anyway, and we would stand there in silence for a few minutes.

My Dad is gone now, as are most of my friend's parents. 

The entire "Shaub" family is now gone. My wife, her parents, and her brother are dead. That is very shocking to me. I am living in their home. It is my home now, and I have lived here longer than I lived anywhere else.

Listen. If you are reading this far, and you have wondered what this has to do with Gastric Bypass surgery, or it's aftermath, read on. Please pass this on to any of the soon to be thinner pre-ops so they can see that one of the main obstacles to weight loss, is the emotional baggage that we all carry with us. It never goes away. But, if you chisel away at it, and never give up moving forward, you can fight this thing and win. The holiday season really brings out the emotions in me. It brings back stronger emotions than at any other time during the year. In January, after the holidays are gone and you don't see the lights anymore, depression sets in. It doesn't matter if you are overjoyed by the weight loss or not. Depression sets in and you have to deal with it. 

You now have a tool, and more energy. You have the ability to move faster and longer than you could in a long time. You feel better. You can actually complain about things, but you know in your heart that you are alive and happier than you have been in a long time because of the surgery.

We all have baggage that we will carry. But, it will get  lighter, and will be able to deal with the baggage if we keep on attacking it, little by little. Don't fall back into the old habits, if you can.

2008 - 2010 have been the best and worst times of my life.

• I lost weight and will keep it off for the rest of my life.
• I have regained my health, and can control it for the most part, and not let it control me. I have made changes in order to do this, and can never go back.
• I lost my wife, lover, mother of my children, and best (and sometimes worst) friend.
• I am alone for the first time in my life. There are no females dominant in my life to tell me what to do. I am making choices for the first time on my own.

1968 - 1976 

If I could go back, this would be the time I would go to. I was the most productive, and happiest ever. I met all of my lifetime friends then, and still have many of them. Thank God for Facebook. I mean that.

Right now is the scariest time in my life. If I make mistakes, and I already have, they are mine now.

So, to conclude this and get back to the world, I will tell you what I am doing and what the pictures have to do with it.

• Medically, I have to start working out more. I haven't put that onto my schedule because I am overwhelmed by other things. I believe I am making progress in non formal ways. I am painting and fixing things up, and spending much less time in idle activities. I am also taking time off for myself.
• Spiritually, I am praying daily. I mostly pray for others because what happens to me will be God's will. My prayers are for others to be what they are supposed to be. I also pray for my wife to follow her journey where ever it leads.
• Physically, I am walking and want to continue to do that. 
• Mentally, I am getting counseling, as well as trying to better understand what is happening to me and the world around me. I am reading more too. I bought 6 books which I will consume over the next month. I am a voracious reader when I get the chance.

The picture of the music equipment is what I plan to work with over the next few months to try to re-capture what I had during the late 60's listed above. I don't want to re-do it. I just want to get back to it. I was good back then, and with what I know now, I should be able to record and play my guitar again.
 

I have stayed away from the malls and shopping areas as much as possible. I have gone there once or twice during non peak hours. I can't avoid it altogether. My bus route goes too near to the tourist trap areas and that's a pain to fight through the traffic. I have to get out to do some shopping for household goods soon, but have done all my holiday shopping online. UPS, FedEx, and USPS love me. I'm keeping them in business.

I will travel to see my grandkids on Christmas Day, but that's about it.

I am working on the pile in the pictures. There are two types of papers in those boxes:

1. Legal disclaimer crap that I can't throw out, but will never read or use.
2. The meat and potatoes. These are the bills, and other documents from Donna's illness, as well as the household bills, receipts and other stuff for tax purposes.

There are other boxes and piles that I will sort through in the wee hours of the night soon. I plan to have them all organized so that when tax time comes around, I will have what I need to get through it without losing my mind. I am not a business person. I have no sense at all when it comes to that stuff and if it wasn't for the online programs, I would be lost. This year, because of the situation, I have no idea what will happen. The way the government is going, I will lose it all. This should make my decisions easier, because then, I won't have any choices left. That of course, is the worst case scenario. I expect to do better than that.

The disorder of the room will be sorted out soon and things from the music room will be moved to the other room in order for me to paint the music room to a more neutral color. I am making much progress.

I am glad I have an outlet to talk about these things. Even if no one else reads, I feel better when I can get it out. maybe in a couple hundred years someone will think that I was the genius of this age and base all actions on my words.....nah!