Holy, Holy, Holy, Cow.

Now, is the time for my next step.

Life has always intervened or interrupted me while I'm trying to do things. I understand that this is part of the process. But, I sometimes wish I could just plow on through and ignore life for awhile.

The Christmas season is upon us here in the United States of America. This means that retailers are clamoring for our business. 

It means a guilt trip that is thrown upon parents and grandparents to buy things for our kids and grand kids. Otherwise, we will feel guilty that we have deprived them of something they should have.

It is a religious holiday also, but that has been overshadowed by the business people in order for them to make up for losses the rest of the year.

Ever since Dan Brown has become popular and famous, I have looked into the meaning of the holiday.

When I was a Jewish kid growing up, I couldn't quite understand the difference between the religions.

Why was I a Jew, and other were Christians?

Why did they have a bigger holiday than me?

I never got the answers to those and other questions, until I started studying the different religions. The answers I got did not glorify religion, as much as they glorified God.

My beliefs have never really changed, however, I have evolved and learned much that many of the people don't know. If they did, it might ruin the holiday season, and I really don't want to do that to them.

I celebrate the holiday along with them because, it is easier, and it is fun.

I didn't start out to write about this subject, so I will move on.

So, as long as I can remember, I have wanted to hibernate from the holiday. I have wanted to go somewhere that the holiday isn't celebrated as much, and not come back until it is over.

I love seeing the lights. I hate the crowds. I hate the fact that radio stations play horrible music just because the song mentions Christmas in some way.

I enjoy the traditional Christmas songs, yet the stations don't really play them that often.

I hate the fact that two of the radio stations in the area go 100% Christmas music just after Halloween as if the whole world is Christian. 

I don't mind saying "Merry Christmas", even though it's not my holiday.

Ooops. There I go again.

Christmas brings back memories. 

This year has been brutal for me. My wife was a big part of the grandkids lives during this holiday. Now, I am it. I don't celebrate the holiday because it's not mine, yet my kids and grand kids do. I don't feel at all "jolly", Never have.

So, what memories do I have? Thousands of little things. Good things, bad things. Scary things. 

As a kid, I remember going to the grandparents house for dinner. I remember lighting the candles for Hanukkah, and saying the prayers. But, I never knew why I was saying them, or what they meant. I did know what the holiday was for. I also found out that it was a minor holiday for Jews, but it was blown up to compete with the Christmas holiday.

I remember getting gifts and crying in private about them. You can read a previous blog to help understand that. I finally got a rational explanation that still doesn't help much with emotions. But, at least I now understand why.

I remember Santa riding on the fire truck, and sitting on his lap. Not much of that made sense either.

One year, my Mother told me that we wouldn't be celebrating Christmas or Easter anymore because it wasn't "Kosher". I asked her when it was going to be Kosher again? I didn't get an answer.

I remember when I was a little older, going to my best friend's home every year just to say hi. I remember talking to his mother and enjoying the time spent with old friends. His mother is gone now, and that's sad. I miss her.

I also remember taking the trip to my home town (Levittown) every year by myself to see the 3 houses I grew up in and being upset at how they changed. They were different every time I went back until I just didn't recognize them anymore.

I remember going to my Mom's grave and talking to her about things. I wish I could go there more often. I used to try to get Donna to visit her Parent's graves, but she wouldn't go. Sometimes, I would take her anyway, and we would stand there in silence for a few minutes.

My Dad is gone now, as are most of my friend's parents. 

The entire "Shaub" family is now gone. My wife, her parents, and her brother are dead. That is very shocking to me. I am living in their home. It is my home now, and I have lived here longer than I lived anywhere else.

Listen. If you are reading this far, and you have wondered what this has to do with Gastric Bypass surgery, or it's aftermath, read on. Please pass this on to any of the soon to be thinner pre-ops so they can see that one of the main obstacles to weight loss, is the emotional baggage that we all carry with us. It never goes away. But, if you chisel away at it, and never give up moving forward, you can fight this thing and win. The holiday season really brings out the emotions in me. It brings back stronger emotions than at any other time during the year. In January, after the holidays are gone and you don't see the lights anymore, depression sets in. It doesn't matter if you are overjoyed by the weight loss or not. Depression sets in and you have to deal with it. 

You now have a tool, and more energy. You have the ability to move faster and longer than you could in a long time. You feel better. You can actually complain about things, but you know in your heart that you are alive and happier than you have been in a long time because of the surgery.

We all have baggage that we will carry. But, it will get  lighter, and will be able to deal with the baggage if we keep on attacking it, little by little. Don't fall back into the old habits, if you can.

2008 - 2010 have been the best and worst times of my life.

• I lost weight and will keep it off for the rest of my life.
• I have regained my health, and can control it for the most part, and not let it control me. I have made changes in order to do this, and can never go back.
• I lost my wife, lover, mother of my children, and best (and sometimes worst) friend.
• I am alone for the first time in my life. There are no females dominant in my life to tell me what to do. I am making choices for the first time on my own.

1968 - 1976 

If I could go back, this would be the time I would go to. I was the most productive, and happiest ever. I met all of my lifetime friends then, and still have many of them. Thank God for Facebook. I mean that.

Right now is the scariest time in my life. If I make mistakes, and I already have, they are mine now.

So, to conclude this and get back to the world, I will tell you what I am doing and what the pictures have to do with it.

• Medically, I have to start working out more. I haven't put that onto my schedule because I am overwhelmed by other things. I believe I am making progress in non formal ways. I am painting and fixing things up, and spending much less time in idle activities. I am also taking time off for myself.
• Spiritually, I am praying daily. I mostly pray for others because what happens to me will be God's will. My prayers are for others to be what they are supposed to be. I also pray for my wife to follow her journey where ever it leads.
• Physically, I am walking and want to continue to do that. 
• Mentally, I am getting counseling, as well as trying to better understand what is happening to me and the world around me. I am reading more too. I bought 6 books which I will consume over the next month. I am a voracious reader when I get the chance.

The picture of the music equipment is what I plan to work with over the next few months to try to re-capture what I had during the late 60's listed above. I don't want to re-do it. I just want to get back to it. I was good back then, and with what I know now, I should be able to record and play my guitar again.
 

I have stayed away from the malls and shopping areas as much as possible. I have gone there once or twice during non peak hours. I can't avoid it altogether. My bus route goes too near to the tourist trap areas and that's a pain to fight through the traffic. I have to get out to do some shopping for household goods soon, but have done all my holiday shopping online. UPS, FedEx, and USPS love me. I'm keeping them in business.

I will travel to see my grandkids on Christmas Day, but that's about it.

I am working on the pile in the pictures. There are two types of papers in those boxes:

1. Legal disclaimer crap that I can't throw out, but will never read or use.
2. The meat and potatoes. These are the bills, and other documents from Donna's illness, as well as the household bills, receipts and other stuff for tax purposes.

There are other boxes and piles that I will sort through in the wee hours of the night soon. I plan to have them all organized so that when tax time comes around, I will have what I need to get through it without losing my mind. I am not a business person. I have no sense at all when it comes to that stuff and if it wasn't for the online programs, I would be lost. This year, because of the situation, I have no idea what will happen. The way the government is going, I will lose it all. This should make my decisions easier, because then, I won't have any choices left. That of course, is the worst case scenario. I expect to do better than that.

The disorder of the room will be sorted out soon and things from the music room will be moved to the other room in order for me to paint the music room to a more neutral color. I am making much progress.

I am glad I have an outlet to talk about these things. Even if no one else reads, I feel better when I can get it out. maybe in a couple hundred years someone will think that I was the genius of this age and base all actions on my words.....nah!