I've been having trouble with my energy level recently, probably because of the chemo that started last Wednesday. They warned me of many side effects that could happen, and fatigue is the only one that has really hit me. I am so thankful that none of the others have happened.
I am not worried about things like hair loss, except that it's a pain to have to clean hair off the bathroom floor. Most of my hair loss is normal anyway. I'm not having that with the chemo so far.
I got a haircut last week that brought the hair on my head and face down to 5 o'clock shadow level just in case.
So, what else is happening?
Well, I am back to experimenting with food combinations, and doing some minor cooking.
I keep thinking I'd like to go to the market and buy fresh veggies that I can cut up, cook, and add to my concoctions, but I know that without help here at home from someone else, I will probably let the stuff go bad before I get the energy to do the cooking. I also realized that I don't have much room in my freezer for storage. I did up a basic chili last week, and almost didn't have room for the quart sized containers I use. I had to do some real maneuvering to make it all fit.
I also don't eat as much as I did a year ago. I am eating much more like a genuine gastric patient. Much smaller amounts than when my wife was sick and I was over-eating. My pouch has shrunk back to my original size. I get full quickly.
I am also having trouble because of my disease. I have to eat smaller portions more times per day than before. I think I eat about 5 to 6 times a day, with several snacks in between. I really like Hamonds hard pretzels. They help to settle my stomach and fill me up.
I started eating protein bars again. I also have Pure protein liquid drinks, and powder for mixing, although I haven't used it much yet.
My taste buds have once again changed. I crave sweet things, but can't have the sugar I want. I eat some fruit, but it gives me a border line dumping feeling. So many of the frozen meals today have sugar in them, and I have to watch what I buy. They can push me right over the edge.
I haven't really had dumping syndrome until I got sick from this cancer, and it's no fun at all. With all the other problems associated with pancreatic cancer and it's treatment, I spend a lot of time in discomfort if not pain.
So, with all of this, where am I?
From a bariatric viewpoint, I am doing much better than I would have if I hadn't had cancer. Look at the numbers, before and now:
- My waist was 54" when I started. Now, I am 36" and getting thinner. I went all the way down to 42 waist on my own without the cancer.
- My weight went from 305 to 185. I set my official goal at 155, which is what I weighed when I got married in 1976. I will probably lose a lot more weight, so there is a good chance that I will reach that goal. My doctor was happy with me being balanced at around 200. I'm not sure I want to go down to 155.
- My feet have shrunk. They got thinner. You don't think about things like that when you start out on the journey to lose weight. I used to use wide shoes. Now, I am a thin normal width. So far, this is not a problem. I do have shoes that were too narrow for me years ago, and now fit quite nicely.
Unfortunately, I've lost a lot of muscle with the weight loss. The problem is, I was too sick to do anything about it. I ended up fasting almost completely for about two weeks at one point, and I was suffering from Mal-absorption and still am if I don't find a decent enzyme med that I can tolerate, so add that to the list of problems.
I don't remember a time I didn't feel sick. I'm sure I've said this before, and I will again. It's tough to know what I am supposed to feel like when I am "normal". I don't know how long I've actually been feeling the affects of this disease. Much of the time, I just figured I was just getting older. I also gave up on my weight loss goals because of my wife's illness and death. So, when I tried to start over after she died, I was already being affected by the cancer and didn't know it.
So what do I have to look forward to?
- I have at least another 6 to 8 months of treatment and recovery time. Chemo, followed by Radiation, a one month recovery. Then, more chemo. During all this time, I will also be going through the clinical trial vaccine.
- I will run out of health insurance in a few months. I have already applied for Social security/disability, and hope to finish up my welfare application this week. I don't want to collect either, but my hand is forced. I can't safely go back to bus driving, and any job I would take now would require my boss to be very patient and understanding. I get sick and can't make it to work, and that isn't a good thing.
- I will run out of my own money by the end of the year. I dipped into my retirement money and that will disappear. I have never understood money. The powerful people know way more than me, and they have succeeded in taking most of what I wanted to save, and given it to the freeloaders over the years. So, I might be out on the street after I recover, or who knows?
I am working towards the future, so don't think I've given up. I hope to live to a ripe old age, and if I'm allowed, I will become self sufficient again. Anything I get from welfare will be a hand up, not a hand out.
