I have written "It's my turn" sometimes in anger.
Sometimes in frustration.
Sometimes as a threat, or more accurately, aggressively. I don't make many threats. I am a gentle person.
I've made the statement as a way of trying to convince myself that it's a fact.
I've said it so many times in the past two years, and every time I say it, it's for a different reason.
I want it to be true.
I have done without for so many years.
It seems that every time I get ahead, there was someone else who needed what I earned more than me.
Now, I am trying to live up to the statement "it's my turn".
I am trying to be worthy of myself. I am trying to not feel guilty for buying myself the good socks instead of the cheap ones.
I have bought a few things that I wanted rather than needed, and have felt guilty.
I've done things that I didn't get to do before, and have felt guilty.
I've said things that I wouldn't have said before, and I felt guilty.
I've been quiet when I would have spoken up before, and I've felt guilty.
I now find that I am not feeling as guilty as before.
I guess I am now coming to grips with life. There are choices to be made, and I am making them.
There are things that should be done, and I am doing them without feeling guilty.
There are things that I don't have the time or energy to do, and they are being let go, and I don't feel guilty.
I have been working on two different things:
Thing one
Amp design and build.
I have to say that it's a pleasure working with someone who's main goal isn't to destroy whatever I am trying to do.
I am making decisions, and we have an open discussion, where I am not wrong all the time.
Thing two:
I have been talking to others who are alone in their present life and are experiencing much of the same situations that I am. I am finding myself actually thinking about their situation and instead of telling them what to do, I am seeing things from their perspective. I am able to ask questions, or make a statement that will really help them to look at their problem from a different angle. I am not trying to tell them what to do, or telling them that they are wrong. I am allowing them to live their life and just reflecting back to them what they just told me so they can see the situation from a different angle. Maybe, that will help them.
My favorite counselor during my trials and tribulations with weight loss and the loss of my wife, has evolved. I am no longer able to see them because they are moving on with their life. That is a good thing for them, and I am hoping they are happy. It might even be a good thing for me since it's time for me to get back on the horse and go out and have contact with other people. It has been a long time since I socially interacted with anyone, other than through my DJ/MC work, that I of course feel a bit apprehensive.
I am still dealing with all the problems I had before, but am learning to go more with the flow.
Bill Cosby said that once in a tape I heard. It was broadcast on WMMR in the early morning, right after midnight. It was the last line after a series of supposedly profound statements in the form of poetry. I could explain further, but it is probably a waste of time.
I used to accumulate and collect one liners, and sometimes more than one liners so I could use them in conversation to make me appear "cool", when in reality, I did better without them.
The truth is, (not inside my pants!) I felt very uncomfortable interacting with people. You see, I had trouble because I would hear someone say something, or observe them doing something, and would be processing that information, trying to figure out if I needed to respond. If I threw out a one liner, then I would be free of that obligation.
I also had trouble because I couldn't send good information while receiving other information. If someone was talking to me, I had to think about what they said, how they looked, etc. I didn't have time to form a proper response. I could either take in the information, or send out some of my own. I couldn't do both.
Today, I am a bit older and have a lot more experience. So, I am able to read people better. I've also heard most of what people say and already know the proper response. So, I don't really need new one liners, although mine are a bit dated.
I look for new things all the time. That allows me to try to keep the brain working. I also get lazy and tend to fall back into the old patterns when I get tired.
Fatigue plays a big part in my life today. I get tired, so I cut corners when I can. I pace myself much slower and stop long before I'm worn out because I am afraid of running out of energy at the wrong place and time.
I also don't seek out social situations because I really hate playing the games. I really don't want to break new ground right now.
I had to force myself to go out the other night. I went to see my friends play in an area where they had a "Pub Crawl". The place was packed and I almost turned around and left, but I managed to stay and found one of my buddies. I let him take the lead so I wouldn't have to interact with anyone.
I saw several women that I would have liked to start a conversation, but I decided against it because I still don't want to play the game. I stayed sober (not hard to do since I don't drink) and saved money.
The music was good and it was a nice evening out. I was able to leave early enough so that when I got home I hit the sack and slept late the next morning.
I am working on two things right now. One of them is to redo my diet plan and see if I can get back on track. I am staying pretty much the same weight, and have recovered mostly from the cholesterol medicine, but I still have pain in my little finger. I am going to get that checked out.
I am also working with the dietitian. He sent me a bunch of information that I will plow through in the hopes that I can get inspired again.
I am working on another project in order to try to make some money. A friend and I are going to be building our own amplifier. The first one will be a prototype so that we can fine tune the amp to sound the way we want. After that, we will purchase several kits, build them, and try to sell them for a profit. I'm praying that this will be what I need to do in order to survive the next 20 years or so. Time will tell.
In the meantime, I made up a sausage stew/chili to try to stock up on food for the winter. I want to use up all of the containers I have with at least 3 different types of meals. This will allow me to have variety and to be able to portion out the meals. So far, I have 8 quarts of the other chili (ground beef added), and 7 quarts of the sausage. I have more beans available to prepare in the next few weeks and am going to try to do one more batch, this time using beef cubes and heavy on the veggies.
I am using my laptop to write this today, and am sitting outside in the afternoon sun. The old laptop has lots more pictures from the past that I haven't been able to transfer to the Mac yet. I just don't know how.
