All about me, and what I am planning.

My thanks to Larraine for letting me know that someone is reading the blog.
I am very self centered right now. It's all about me and will continue to be until I lose my wife. I'm sorry if someone is not being helped by me. I only have so much emotional energy.
I have fallen back into my old habits and am fighting to overcome that.
I have gained a few pounds, but have stayed with my diet for the most part.
Now, after seeing a counselor and getting ready for something other than related to my wife's situation, I feel as if I'm making progress again.
I am trying to organize myself so I don't feel so overwhelmed.
I feel as if I have way to much to accomplish. Here's a list of some of the things I am working to finish.

• I have a Honda helix that died. I haven't bothered to take it apart to find out what is wrong. It may be something simple, but I no longer trust it to take it on a long hard ride. I would like to replace it with a bigger bike. I miss the freedom of the open road.
• I have a ton of stuff on the porch that I want to get rid of. I have a couch that fell apart and it isn't something that I would feel good about selling it or even giving it away. I want the whole porch cleaned up. It looks terrible.
• The house has been divided into rooms. I made a series of cards. When I get time and don't know where to start, I can go to the cards and pick one to work on. This helps.
• The yard is a mess. I cut the grass and am starting to make progress with the trimming. I have several circle gardens that need to be cleaned out, but I don't have the time for them yet. I will get them done. I have toyed with the idea of paying someone to do the work, but don't really want to spend the money.
• I have been trying to find the time to play my guitar. I have picked it up a few times this past week, and plan to do more very soon. But, I need lots more guitar, and lots less other stuff.
• Finances are scary here as they are many other places. I've never been good at money matters. Advice is futile to paraphrase the Borg. I need someone who knows how to work the system. I have money coming in soon, and I know it could work for me. But, I don't know how to talk to it.
  
• Routine maintenance. The cars both need work. The garage door needs to be fixed. The driveway needs to be redone. The sidewalk is sinking and it's way too high to get into the house. The bathroom and kitchen need to be replaced and updated. The whole house needs to be repainted. Other than that, I have a whole 40 foot container worth of stuff to get rid of.

The neat thing, is that I'm actually making progress. I really am. The main problem is between my ears. My brain is working overtime and it wants me to do everything now! I mean NOW! It's not happy to see things moving along steadily.
One of the things I learned about ADD is that there are two ways to do anything:

1. Follow a pattern and do things in order.
2. Just work where you are and keep plugging away.

For example: When I get to the end of a row on my lawn, I can turn around and go back the way I came (1. above), or, I can keep going around the corner and finish the next part since I'm already there (2.).
I've found that I still finish the lawn no matter which way I do it. However, with the second way, I draw a crowd. Everyone is taking bets on which way I'll go next.
I can do the same thing in the house.
I start in the living room, and take something to the basement where it belongs. Since I'm in the basement, I see something that has to be done there, and I do it. Then, I go upstairs and start something there.
It's really hard for me to stay in one room, or one place for the whole time I'm supposed to be there. So, I have been trying to do just that. It is harder for me mentally, because I have to concentrate, and consequently, I get worn out faster.

These are all things that I am working on. With weight loss, it is probably better for me to keep moving no matter what I do. I shouldn't work on being efficient as opposed to just getting the job done.

Take a chance on me

How many habits are you carrying around with you?
How about you try something for yourself?
I did, and it continues to work for me.
How many times do you do something because you've always done it? Or, you had to do it that way because you were fat?
Try to think about everything you do a certain way everytime, and try to change it.
For example, I put my shoes on a certain way everytime because I would get cramps and not be able to lift my leg for that long. Now, I can, so I put my shoes on a different way.
Did you ever start walking as if you still had the weight on?
Try walking a little faster for a few minutes, and you'll probably be surprised at how fast you can go.

Not a long post

I haven't been able to do much with the blog. I have been setting up my new laptop and transferring stuff over from the old one.
My wife is sick now too. The stress is incredible.
I got an email from a Post support group friend asking me if I wanted to buy some protein powder that another friend had from a store that had gone out of business.
I took her up on that and will buy about 10 pounds of the stuff. I hope I can store it and use it.
That should be enough to last me through the summer and into fall.
She also missed me at the support group meetings. I am going to a therapist and getting plenty of support now.
I didn't get that after awhile at the support group as I've said in another post.
I may go back after all this is over, but I'm not sure I will have time.
I have some big plans now that I'm not fat anymore.
Life will be good again soon.

209

That's what I weighed yesterday.
I was all the way down to 202 at one point, but haven't been able to beat the 200 mark yet.
I will.
If you read me on Facebook, or this blog, you know that my wife is in the final stages of Breast cancer. She will die from the side effects of the cancer, not the disease itself. Maybe it was mishandled, maybe not. I am not going to worry about it.
One of the side effects of the cancer is that it is affecting me.
I didn't think about her cancer before. I always thought that she would outlive me, so it never crossed my mind.
Now I visit her and see her going downhill and wondering if it will come to me to have to pull the plug, or if she will die peacefully in her sleep. I hope that they don't try to keep her alive. She has a living will, and I hope that's enough.
I feel the overwhelming sadness as a pain in my chest, or more like an emptiness. It gives me a headache. I clench my teeth.
Then, I want to reach for food. For something sweet that I'm not allowed to have.
My weight gain proves that I have reached for that comfort food every now and again.

It's a tough battle that I will be able to weather, but it sure isn't fun.
I want to curse and scream and sometimes I do. The house is solid, so no noise comes out. I scream sometimes when I'm alone in the car.

But, I am thinner, and alive. I am healthy, and not taking any medications. I think that that is the best part. No meds!
Any pill you take has side effects. Any pill you take has side effects!
Whether it is aspirin, or darvon. They all have them.
Statins made my joints ache so badly, that I felt as if I was dying.
Now, I can go up and down the stairs to the basement without holding on to the railing.
I have had episodes of low blood pressure. That is a feeling that I was going to pass out. I have to hold on for a moment and then the feeling goes away. It's usually right after I stand up too quickly. I didn't have to worry about that before because I couldn't stand up quickly.

I am looking forward to getting rid of the pain I feel inside. It's there all the time. Even when I sleep. I wake up around 2am every morning, and have to lay there and wonder if I am doing the right thing. At 2 in the morning, nothing seems like the right thing.
I was going to go see my wife yesterday, and I lay down to rest and woke up an hour and a half later. Then, I went to see her.
It's as if she is drawing her strength from me, and not leaving me with anything. I am worn out. But, I will survive, even without the piece of my heart that belongs to her.
So, all of this has hit me right after my bariatric surgery. Two years at the end of July!
I was prepared for the long hard climb after the surgery.
I wasn't prepared for this.
Let's see how I do....