The line

I wrote about milestones last year. They were specific points in time that allowed me to see that things have changed.
These things were important to me because my way of thinking changed when they happened.
Milestones are very important to children, but as we get older, we don't always feel the emotions involved, or actually notice the change because we become de-sensitized over the years.

• Imagine what it will feel like the first time I have to ask a woman out on a date after losing my wife last year, and being married for 34 years.

Obviously, if you're human, you can imagine something like this as being similar in feeling to being a teen and asking a girl out for the first time.
I haven't experienced those emotions for a very long time.
Will My body and mind be able to handle it? I could drop dead from a heart attack!!!!

I am going a bit overboard here, but you get the idea.

Now, while you read this, think about the changes that have happened to me (or you!) as you contemplate major surgery just because you're fat!
How may changes will you go through that you haven't considered or are not ready for because you've decided to go through with it?

• What will your partner think? How will they react? Will they actually tell you how they feel, or will they keep it inside? What about your parents? Friends? Boss?

These changes for the most part, are worth everything you go through in order to lose the weight. All of the stress of the choice you make, is worth it, no matter what.
Right after I had the surgery, my wife of 34 years died. If I can make it through that, you can make it too. Believe me, it isn't fun, and my heart is broken. But, I will survive.

I know fellow WLS people who went through the surgery around the same time as me and have had to go back for more surgery for other problems, but I don't think any of them would have the WLS reversed.
I know that not everyone is happy with the hanging skin, or the absolute attention to proper diet, exercise, and the discipline required, but they are alive and for the most part, healthy again.

• Will I win the battle?

I fight with that question every day. Some days, I get up and feel like I'm 10 pounds heavier. I retain fluids, or I lose them rapidly. Strange things like that keep me from doing certain things to keep from being embarrassed. That's OK, because I will eventually conquer the problems, or learn to deal with them and move on.

So, now, I come to the title of this post. Everything above this was dealing with an ending to milestones, and a beginning to the line.

• Approaching the line.
• Crossing the line.
• What's on the other side of the line?
• Why is there a line?
• What is the line?

OK, maybe you don't have a line. But, I'm guessing you do. If you have been contemplating WLS this line has been bothering you for a long time, and it isn't just about being fat. It's part of your every day life.
That is why I'm a big fan of counseling after the surgery, as well as being part of a support group.
Our being fat isn't a "glandular" problem. It's between our ears.

• We haven't learned how to eat properly.
• We don't exercise.
• We don't quit eating when full.
• We are more concerned about others than we are with ourselves.
• We don't care about ourselves.

Pick one, or all of the above.
So, we all approach the line and decide what to do. It's scary to go across the line. It's scary to even approach it. It's easier to just keep doing the same old thing rather than to take the leap and cross the line.
Personally, I am afraid to succeed just as much as I am afraid to fail. Think about that, please. To me, they are the same thing.
I will shy away from the line every time! So, where does that leave you if you were hoping for an answer here?
Well, I crossed the line. I was so far down, that I went into my bedroom one day, and prayed to God to either kill me, or make me better. That was the only way I was able to cross the line.
I didn't do it on my own. Believe me, I'm not a fan of religion. I was given a hand to help me cross the line. I'm glad the decision wasn't made to kill me!

So, the line could be fear of failure, or fear of success.
The line could be fear of the unknown.
The line could be fear of death.
The line could be from experiences from the past.
It could be from laziness, or comfort.

I always wondered why some people never had a line. I know of people who make a decision and go for it, no matter what. I'm not like that, but maybe someday I'll try it.
Or not....

I now know what is on the other side of the line. I know it isn't success,or the end of the story.
My problems are still with me, but, I am still here too.
I know that I will probably be fighting the rest of my life. I still have the line in front of me. It's not just one line. It's many lines:

• I have been comfortable living in the house I've been in since 1992. My kids were raised here, and I've worked hard to take care of it all these years. I have been going back and forth whether or not to sell the place. I can't live anywhere else cheaper. The mortgage and expenses are controlled or at least predictable, so I know what to expect. It's comfortable. It's comfortable. But, is it the right thing to do? The other side of the line is scary. If I sell the place, what will happen? I don't have my parents to advise me, or to tell me what to do. My wife is gone, so no counsel there either. My friends have given opinions on both sides of the fence. So, the choice is mine. The line is there.

In my entire life, I've never had to make a decision on my own. Never! If you read the beginning of this piece, you will start to understand that this is just like asking a a girl out on a first date, but without the safety net. I've never been without that safety net until now. Phew!

• I have played guitar since I was 11. I am good, but do I have anything left to offer? Will anyone want to listen to me? Can I make a living playing? Will my health allow me to abandon the "normal" lifestyle and finally pursue a dream that has been with me since I first started playing?

Who knows if I can do it all? Can I continue to be healthy and lose the rest of the weight I need to lose? Can I afford to live if I abandon the normal life of working for a living? Can I do what it takes to do all these things necessary for survival?
The fear is in me. It's almost tangible.
Many of the things I wrote about when I started this blog, I didn't do. They were dreams back then, but I just didn't follow through.

• I didn't get to go to Hershey Park. I wanted to buy a season pass and spend my spare time there, just walking, and riding the rides. I didn't do it. I haven't even been there yet.
• I wanted to kayak. I am not sure I will get to do that either.
• I wanted to take some really long walks. I have taken some as long as 4 miles. But, I need to go 5-10 miles to really feel like I've crossed that line.
• I want to jog. I don't need to run a marathon. I don't have anything to prove. But, I want to feel what it's like to jog. The runner's high? I'm not sure I want to go that far. If I injure myself while running, it will mess up my exercise plans.

One of the lines I find interesting, and I have crossed a number of times, is the ability to ignore a schedule. One thing in particular has been to start walking after dark. I live in an area where I can walk safely after dark.
The line occurs because "normalcy" require us to wind down at night before bed so we can get a good night's sleep. We work hard every day, so we can sleep at night.
I used to work at night as a musician and sleep during the day. I used to walk at night because I was so pumped up from playing that I couldn't sleep. There were times when I was a kid, that I would go over to the track at the junior high school and run until I dropped. It was strange to run all out when you couldn't see, not worrying about running into anything. It was exhilarating!
I don't drink, so going to a bar at night really isn't fun for me. I don't like watching sports on TV, or talking to drinkers. I don't like being alone, or trying to order something from a bartender when I have so many restrictions. I won't take up drinking just to be around people.
So, one of my next lines to cross will be to find a female to socialize with. I will ask her out on a date, and hope that she is the one so I don't have to cross over any more lines.
Yeah, I know I'll have lots more lines to cross.

Milestone revisited!

How far I've come since my initial surgery.
I've decided to write a new blog so that I can concentrate this one on bariatric, and the other will be my venting outlet.
I have reached many new milestones and passed them.
This summer, I plan to start running. I am already almost doing that because I am walking so fast that I feel as if it's the logical next step. I want to run on the trail so that I can save my feet from the asphalt surface. Other parts of my legs will suffer too if I'm not careful.
I plan to start playing out as I've talked about many times already.
I still haven't made it to Hershey Park. I still haven't taken a real vacation. But, that isn't the fault of the weight loss. Life happens.
I have been looking at Kayaks. I have a close friend who kayaks with his wife and I may just try to hook up with them for one of their jaunts.
I am physically and mentally ready for the next step. I am not financially ready, however, and I want to try to keep that from becoming a problem.
Who knows what will happen next? I am surprised every day!

The blanket

Back when my wife was pregnant with our first child, she was working at a Hotel.
They had a very nice medical benefit's package. When the doctor told her that she should take it easy during the last 6 weeks of her ordeal, her employer told her she could take a leave of absence and the insurance plan would cover her pay. Then, he would allow her to take the following 6 weeks after the birth, if timing worked out that way. 12 weeks total.
My wife cut back her hours instead, and was able to work until just before her labor. This allowed her to take almost all of the 12 weeks after she gave birth.
While she was at home, she decided to keep her hands busy by crocheting a blanket. Since she didn't have one single color of yarn (I can't spell skein!), she just picked up the next skein of yarn when she finished the last one.
Her work of art turned into an amazing creation.

Side track:

When we were growing up, we always had single beds, which were so small. So, one of the things we talked about was getting the biggest bed we could find when we got married.
I was able to find a king size water bed with full wave mattress for $100.00 in the paper. I bought it for it's sheer size. If you don't know anything about them, a king size water bed is bigger than a king size regular mattress bed. We didn't know this at the time, and didn't find out until we tried to buy sheets and blankets for it.

So, we had a king size blanket that was really too small for the king size water bed.
Hence, the reason for my wife to make her own larger blanket.

Back to the story now:

The blanket sometimes used more than one skein of yarn per row, so Donna tried to match the colors as best she could. But, with time, she was running out of options, so she just used what she had. We really didn't have the money to spend on new yarn, and I didn't see the purpose to buy more yarn when we still had some. I didn't mind the color mix and neither did she. I believe she used 19 skeins altogether, although my memory is weak about that.

When finished, the blanket draped over the bed very nicely, from top to bottom, and side to side. It more than covered the bed, so we had something that finally fit the huge bed.
We did buy a new mattress with baffles in it soon after we got the bed, but we kept the beautiful blanket as our main cover for a long time. It was a loosely woven blanket, so there were holes in between the stitches, but it kept us warm none the less. It stretched with us, and never shrank, even though we washed it many times. It was a real bear to hang to dry, however, because it stretched so much, and was so big.
Over time, some of the stitches came loose and had to be repaired. There were also some small holes that formed. But the blanket stayed comfortable for us.
The dogs slept on it. The cats slept on it. The kids slept on it. We slept on it and under it. It was part of the family.

When we later got rid of that water bed and had a new one made for us, the blanket made the transfer right along with us.

Through the years when I got too fat, I was always too warm, and Donna always too cold. I would get leg cramps from the heavy blankets that Donna used. She added an electric blanket when we got rid of the water mattress and replaced it with a regular mattress (Called a California King). I decided to finally spend some money and bought a goose down blanket. It was very light, and sooooo warm. I used to push or fold the other blankets over so that I didn't have to sleep with them. Donna had her half dozen blankets, and I had just two. The goose down, and the tutti frutti colored blanket. I also hated top sheets, so I would push the sheet over and sleep under the blankets.

This covers the time from around 1979 when she started making the blanket, until March of 2010.

Donna went into the hospital in February 2010, and never came home. Sometime in March, I decided I needed to get the best sleep I could, so I arranged the bed to my liking. Everything before that time was a compromise (and one that I would gladly make again if she were beside me). I took all of the blankets off the bed, except for the goose down. I threw out the electric blanket, and stored the crocheted one after washing it.

When Donna died, I cleared a lot of stuff out, but kept the blanket in a laundry hamper next to the bed.

There it stayed until this past Sunday night. I changed out the sheets and decided to put it onto the bed. Actually, that's not true.

I did have it on the bed, but it was folded in half and only on Donna's side. I don't sleep on that side, even though I can sleep anywhere I want now.
It was just this past weekend that I decided to unfold it and sleep with it.
It smelled wonderful, and felt so soft. I didn't even mind the extra weight because it stretches so nicely.

This is where the story goes off the deep end a bit:

I usually have good dreams. Even when I have bad ones, I can remember afterward where they come from. That is, what part of the recent events caused me to remember things. My brain kind of "de-frags", mixing and matching events that occurred, sometimes out of order. I dream accordingly, so if I see a good movie, I live in that movie while experiencing events that actually occurred during the past week or so.
When I wake in the morning, things usually seem a little more normal for me.

Well, as soon as I started sleeping with this blanket, things have gone all out of proportion. I have had some very wild dreams, and even what I would refer to as nightmares. The events from the past week are still sorting themselves out, but there are other things that don't seem to fit, or they fit badly. Good events turn bad and so on.

I have been having this problem since I started using the blanket. I haven't had a good night's sleep. I am waking up after each nightmare and having trouble getting back to sleep.

I decided that am going to keep sleeping with the blanket until it is finished unloading all of it's memories. I believe this is all part of the grieving process. The crazy thing is I thought the grieving was finished for now, with only minor interruptions in my life. Apparently not.

So, the journey goes on. I will keep using the blanket until one of us wins the battle. I hope it's me. I don't think the blanket can take care of the house if I'm not here.