I think I talked about this before, but....

I had a situation occur when I had reached my peak weight. I hated driving the Brush Bus, and I was trying really hard not to get upset. The situation at home was really bad (when wasn't it?) and I started sweating and got chest pains too. I know the signs, but it didn't feel like anything other than the stress, so I mentioned it to the dentist on the bus, and she went into a panic. They sat me down and took my BP which was a little high. Then, they forced me to drive to the hospital.
Anyway, I did the stress test, and even went back for an angiogram, where they stick the needle into the groin and shoot fluid into the heart to observe for abnormalities.
All test results were negative, and the angiogram was clear. They said my arteries were in great shape. I had expected to be told that I was dying because my Mom had died so young and I was right around her age.
They finally told me they think I just had a panic attack. I would usually deny that kind of thing, but I decided to think about it for some stupid reason.
I decided they were right. It was stupid for me to have an anxiety attack. I wasn't crazy, just stressed out because I really wasn't doing what I wanted, in any part of my life.
That was the time that I decided to start praying because there was nothing else I could do except walk away from my life.
So, I started out by yelling in the car, and yelling in the bus when no one else was there. I quit my job and went back to school bus driving, and felt better. Less stress (can you believe that?) and more recovery time, so I could start working towards a real future.
I bought stuff for myself without consulting Donna, and that made her mad, but I did it anyway.
I kicked my son and his brood out.
It was the start of my change.
My prayer:

Dear God,
Kill me or make me better.

Guess what He did?
It's a long slow road for me, and it never moves fast enough, but it is moving forward.

Trash

Larraine said that it was a great feeling throwing things out.
I agree 100%.
I have been cleaning the house since I got my energy back. I actually started before that, but my wife made me feel guilty about throwing things out.
I have pictures I will post.
Can you say "Hoarding"?
I know what it is all about. I threw out most of my stuff while my wife saved it all. I would get rid of things only to find them mysteriously re-appear.

So, when I had the surgery and re-gained my energy, all of a sudden, she couldn't keep up with me, and I got rid of far more than she could find and return.

I also gave away all of my clothes as I lost weight.
What a feeling of relief, freedom. It was a literal weight off my ....I was going to say shoulders, but it actually affected my whole being. I am still paying for it in stress.
Observe the pictures and you will see why.
My wife is in the hospital and not expected to live much longer, so I took it upon myself to start cleaning things out. I have the time and energy, so I collected trash bags of actual trash, and used others for storing her clothing. I still have more to go, but so far I have filled 10/40 gallon trash bags of her clothing.
It is somewhat funny, because I was warned not to buy anything expensive while I was losing weight because I would grow out of it too quickly. So, I bought a dozen Pocket T shirts, two pair of jeans, a pair of dress pants. I have some shorts from last year that still fit, and some sweats that I figured I could use until I got down to my size.
So, everything I have could fit into a very small space.
I counted 75 blouses, the same or more in sweaters, 100+ pair of socks, not to mention all the other stuff. 40 belts? Who needs that many belts? My wife did.
I plan to paint the house over the next month, and maybe get a full size dumpster for the driveway, so I can take stuff out and just get rid of it all at once. I'll bet I can fill it too.
I've already gotten rid of at least that and more over the past two years.
I found receipts to 1967! I burned out one shredder with some of the paper I've gotten rid of.
Oh my, I could go on and on. And, I will.
Man, does it feel good to start to live in a house instead of a dump.
BTW, these pictures were taken at least one year after I started cleaning. When I started, I couldn't fit through the piles.
More later...

Two years

In July, I will have my second anniversary of my surgery.
I had to stop going to meetings the past two months due to my wife being sick, but I will return soon.
I am staying around the 205 pound mark, down from 305. I think it's great because I can function well, and not have to worry about things like climbing steps or sitting at a table instead of a booth.
My eating habits are down to a science. Since there is no one home now, I can eat what I want, when I want.
I cook everything the way I like it.
My splurge last week was a pizza. A Hawaiian Pizza. My wife hated them. I ate one piece every day for the past week.
I bought salsa, and Huumus, and gluten free chips. I like crunchy foods with my meals so I have a few chips and dip them in one or the other.
I loaded a huge box and a few bags of food and gave them away last week. The closet is getting cleaned out.
Yippie!, I feel great!

Progress, the Opposite of Congress

I put on shorts today for the first time since winter.
I cut the lawn as if it was something I did every day.
I accomplished a lot of other things.
Right now, I have a lot of sit down work. I have no choice. I have to do this in order to save my situation. I am still as clumsy at it as I was before. I am just a bit more sure of the outcome, so I plod ahead.
I started to do some online paperwork twice and failed. The first time, I got so far and didn't have the information I needed to finish. I logged out, and couldn't log back in, even though I have the correct log on and password.
I did it again today and got all the way to the end, and the damn program wouldn't let me answer the question. I had to log off, and try to log on again.
It is a typical ploy by the government to keep people from getting what is applied for. Someone is making money, but it isn't going to where it is supposed to go. This is why things cost so much more when the government does things.
Enough already.
So, I got stuck for two hours sitting in front of the computer instead of being active.
This will change. I know it will.
I found a new music keyboard/workstation that I want to acquire. It will help me work on my music and to make my new living soon. I will work towards owning it.
I managed to go to the bank and free up my online account. I screwed up the password on that one too. There are too many passwords today. I think I should go into stealing money. It must be lucrative to have so many safeguards in place to block it from happening.
I didn't get to see my wife today. I will do that tomorrow after I drop off the Damn Cat enroute to her new home. Finally, no more fur. She will be happy and so will I.
So, I did get a lot accomplished.
I am tired, so I will write a bit more and then hit the sack.