Diets, Oh my

Richard Simmons had a "Live it" diet way back in the olden days. He used a play on words to make a valid point.

Why diet, when you can live it?

It made sense to me and I tried his plan, and it worked...for awhile. Then, life caught up with me and I had to "quit it". It was too hard to follow.

I think life today is way too stressful. There is so much to read, and so many distractions.

I collect the junk mail every day. I get piles of it even though I am signed up with the "do not call, and do not mail" list. That's OK, I don't really mind. It insures that the mailman keeps his job for a little while longer, and the trash collectors also have a job. Otherwise, I would probably only have a few small bags of trash every other week.

So, the diet plans have come and gone, and I elected to have my stomach cut into pieces. It works for me.

I couldn't resist getting a book the other day, however. The author was on TV talking it up, and he hooked me.

He had a previous book dealing with a 4 hour workday. That caught my attention because I believe that is exactly how long we should work.

The book he was selling is called "The 4 hour body". He is an obvious ADHD type A personality, and I was amazed that he could sit in his chair for the interview, which was only about 5 minutes. He was hyper to the max. 

It seems that he experimented on himself over the past 10 years in order to find out what worked and what didn't. He applied this experiment to all facets of his life, including exercise, and sex, as well as diet. He came up with some variations on themes that have already been tried. Most of the ideas are valid, although I am anxious to try out the 15 minute orgasm he talks about in the last part of the book. If only I had known about that before.....I think I am getting off topic here.......

So, he came up with a variation in order to lose fat without trying hard. It's something that I am pretty much doing now, except for a few changes that I am not sure are healthy. Let me say that the concepts and the ideas are logical, and he did check with medical personnel before he published, so until they charge him with something, his book is OK to read and try at your own risk.

The first diet listed, is a combination or an extension of the Atkin's diet, with a touch of Dr. Gott thrown in for good measure. He also suggests that you take one day a week and ignore the diet altogether and pig out.

One part of his diet that I am following is where I am very heavy on protein, and lower on carbs. 

Another part is where he suggests that you eat the same meals over and over. I do that too. I do add variety when I go out to eat, but when I am at home, I tend to follow the same patterns. Now, I do mix things up, such as eating breakfast in the evening, and having dinner in the morning. Makes life interesting.

But, he adds some ideas that might surprise you. Anyway, you can get the book and read it yourself. Or, you can wait until I'm finished with it, and ask to borrow it.

The reason I originally wrote this post, was to mention a few new ideas I had with my food plan. If you have read any of this blog, you know that I like to combine all my foods into one container. I make chili variations to this day that are never the same. I can make two different batches in one day with totally different proteins, even the beans. I use a 15 bean soup mix (dried beans) sometimes, or I'll use all black beans, red kidneys, etc.. I'll add various vegetables, both fresh and frozen. I'll add different kinds of seasonings. When I put them into quart containers and freeze them, I will alternate the containers and always keep two different containers thawed in the fridge so I can alternate meals. I never get tired of eating. The variations have been endless so far.

I started adding rice in small quantities to soak up the liquids, but I will abandon that soon. The rice makes me feel too full and is probably not good for me if I don't want my pouch to stretch.

As of this morning, I had about 14 quarts stored in the freezer. One kind is a more traditional chili with red beans, and the other is more of a beef, beans, and rice combination.

This afternoon, while I should have been working on my music, but just couldn't, I decided to prepare more meals.

Let me say that I really don't like ground turkey instead of beef, or ground chicken, so about a year ago, I decided to try a lower fat product. I found a twin package of ground bison at BJs. It was fairly expensive, but that's OK, because I don't eat all that much, so it goes a long way. (about $5.00 a pound)

The bison when mixed with all the other ingredients is just like beef in taste and consistancy. I can't tell the difference. I imagine if I had a bison steak, rather than ground up I might be able to smell and taste a difference. Bison is lower in fat which might make it a bit tougher as a steak.

I also like sausage. I buy the hot Italian links. I freeze them until I'm ready to use them. I had two pounds of links today. They have been  in the fridge, waiting for a few days for me to get to them.

I chopped a huge white onion, and sauteed it in butter and olive oil (Oh, Popeye!). Half of the onion, I just sliced into pieces, and the other half I pulverized with my handy, dandy chopper. I added garlic and some seasonings to the mix. While they were browning, I slit the skin on the sausage and pulled the insides out. I never keep the skin because I am afraid that it will clog me up and force me into emergency surgery. I was warned about sausage back in the beginning and have followed the rules ever since.

After the onions were browned, I poured them onto a paper plate lined with a paper towel to soak up any oil and butter that I could.

Then, I added a little more oil to the frying pan, and added the sausage in pieces, not links. I used the spatula to chop the sausage into small pieces, and cooked it very slowly. When it was cooked to my liking, I raised the heat and added the onions. I brought everything up to a very hot state, and added 3 cans of black beans along with the liquid. The black beans I buy are the generic because they don't add sugar to them. They use salt, and water. Some companies add sugar to their canned beans, which is why I usually use the dried beans. 

I allowed the mixture to come to a boil, and then simmered the whole thing for about an hour to boil off the liquid. 

This mixture cooled for another hour and became 5 quarts of food for me. Each quart is about 3 or 4 meals.

I had some leftover liquid in the pan since I use a slotted spoon to drain as much liquid as I can before moving it to the containers.

I heated the leftover liquid liquid, and while I was doing that, I thawed a pound of bison. Then, I added it to the liquid, and browned the bison. I added a package of frozen vegetables, and another 3 cans of black beans (It cleaned me out. I have to buy more beans now) and that gave me 5 more quarts of meals. I also had some bacon that I added after cooking it separately. Oh, I also added a few different seasonings to change the basic flavor and add variety.

I'm glad I have a freezer. Now, I have 4 different types of meals all based on the same concept of high protein, yet complete in nutritional needs for me. I have enough food to last through the whole winter, along with some other food for variety.

The house smells wonderful and will for another day or so. I will eat well and be happy for another few months.

I do understand other people's need to eat a constant variety of food, but this simplicity seems to work for me. It decreases the illusion that food should be a major part of the day or used for entertainment. Food becomes something you do in order to continue to live, much like taking care of your teeth or basic hygiene. 

I do miss being able to just binge out on junk once in awhile, but the benefits are well worth it.

No Catsup!

I use Salsa! Works great. The hotter the better for me.

The pictures here are older ones that may not be that great as far as resolution. Enjoy them anyway. With my new Cable modem, I used full resolution rather than downsizing them. maybe they will turn out.

I don't know about the rest of you WLS people, but I go to see a counselor to help me work on the problems that I had that helped contribute to my weight gain in the first place.
I was a comfort eater. I ate in order to replace the love and affection I didn't think I was getting elsewhere.
My life was SO not my own, to use the current vernacular.
I was working for everyone else's sake, and not my own.
Now that it's my turn, I am having trouble making the transition to me instead of everyone else.
I wanted to take a vacation over the holiday since I have off for the entire week between now and New Years. I wanted to do something totally unique that would not be something that I would normally do.
But, I am not ready. I don't want to go alone.

I am not ready to jump back on the horse and find another mate yet. I'm not sure I will ever want to find another mate. I'm not sure I ever want to get married again.

But, I know that I don't want to vacation alone. I did that once, and didn't like it.

I made it through the holidays and maybe next year will feel a little more like doing something more. But this year was tough. I thought about last year and that was bad because I knew that my wife was sick, and couldn't enjoy the season as she wanted.
I tried to take her for a walk through the neighborhood last year at this time to see the lights. I managed to get her about 5 houses down, and she had to go back home again because she was too tired. I felt that very strongly this year when I went past the same houses. I did  a lot of walking past those houses this year.
Every year, we would go for drives after dinner to see the homes that were all decked out. I didn't do that this year.
There is one place near Manheim that decorates all of their trees. They have maybe 10 acres, and a drive through there is a real treat. They play Christmas music through speakers, and there is a fence that lines the drive. People go through there with their headlights off, but because of the amount of lighting, it is easy to find your way. We used to ride through with the windows open to hear the music, and I would turn the heat on high so Donna would be comfortable.
So, the memories flood in, and I decided to allow them to flow so I can grieve and finally get on with my life.
The wind has been brutal the past few days, so I've stayed inside to work on my music and watch movies and read.
Tonight, I will take a long walk to clear my head. I am undecided whether I will work on my music, clean the house, or take a drive.
The drive sounds good, but I have left over guilt. I think I'll head out before it overwhelms me......see you later!

Pictures worth 1000 pounds!

 

305 to 212.

Merry Christmas to all.

Life is Good!

Procrastination

 The picture above is looking into the closet directly from across the room. Notice the angle of the floor. The paint is original from when my father in law painted it years ago. The wood slats are molding that he used to place shelves on. I have two shleves there now, but adding anymore would make it impossible to get into the attic.

 I couldn't get a full shot of the opening because of the angles. The whole house has this molding on every corner. I hate the stuff, but it makes for a smooth edge. The openings would be much bigger without it, and I am making plans to remove and replace a lot of it throughout the house. The wall color in the room is actually flat white, but the reflection of the carpet gives it another hue. The closet is dull brown. Also, the door to the left has rebond padding on it to deaden sound. I originally used the room as my "studio".

 The ladder is hand made and beautiful. It is made from pine, nicely finished, and very thick. It fits inside the closet along the wall. There is a strap with springs that hold it to the wall when not in use. The bottom is angled to fit into the floor of the closet. I have it out so that I could clean the closet. 

This is what I do when I should be doing something else.

I am busy all day and run out of physical and mental steam about 6pm every night.

I get up around 4am every morning, but that seems to be enough time to accomplish most things.

I do get a lot of stuff done, but I have a lot to do yet.

I feel better every day, both physically and mentally.

Next week, I plan to do nothing but work on my music.

I also plan to work on my diet. I thawed out some meat and other animal protein, and will make up some meals that will be very heavy in protein. I am going to start over and try to regain my pattern of weight loss and exercise.

I know that my eating patterns can be altered now, and will try to get back to basics.

Last night, I grabbed a trash bag and filled it with stuff from yet one more closet. This closet is important because it is a portal into another dimension. Yes, I have one of those in my home. I have been there many times in the years I have owned the home, but haven't been there recently.

It's a place of opposites. When the house is warm, it is cold.

There is no weather there, and only 3 lights.

I am talking about the attic, of course.

Our attic has a small access hole in my closet. There is no other way to get there right now. I know neighbors have cut openings in their hallway, and added fold up stairways, but I haven't.

Anyway, the closet that houses the hole to the attic is strange. It is not rectangular. It is placed in a small space just above the basement stairs, so the floor is angled and uneven to make room for the stairway going down to the basement below it.

The hole into the attic is just large enough to fit  a human body, so anything that is stored up there has to be small enough to fit through the hole. It is covered with a piece of plywood, and this seals the heat and cold from coming down into the house.

My In-laws owned the house before us, so when we got the house, I went up there for the first time to see what was there. I found a small metal box with old canceled checks, some suitcases, and lots of leftover pieces of holiday wrapping paper. There were no pots of gold, or millions of dollars worth of bearer bonds, unfortunately.

I did disconnect the attic fan that was on a thermostat because as a fireman, I have seen way too many of them catch on fire and cause much damage. It's not worth the few penny's of savings. The darn things are noisy, and waste more energy than they save.

The reason for going up there this time, is to see what I can see of the area over the porch that I just enclosed. The ceiling there is made up of some type aluminum, and the heat goes right up and away from the room. This keeps the porch area cold. I tried setting up a space heater to see if it would help, but no luck.

I know the attached garage on the other side of the porch has a firewall made of brick, so there is no access from there, but I don't know what is visible from the attic. 

As I go from one area of the house to another, I finish work that was started when I moved in. I always had something else more important to do, or some other excuse to not do it. Now, I have time, energy, and a little bit of money to finish things. Much of the work takes little or no money.

• Paint is fairly cheap. You paint once every 19 years and you're fine. $200 for paint and supplies divided by 19 years is a drop in the bucket. The tough part is the prep work, and trying not to make a mess. I hate ceiling painting too.
• I can't imagine how they insulated the attic all those years ago, if they had to move the insulation through that little opening. I imagine they did the insulation before they put the roof on. Anyway, the attic needs new insulation, so I will be looking into doing that myself to save some bucks. It can't be that hard. I can use the exercise.
• I need to clean out the garage, and maybe throw some insulation up there too. The garage gets pretty cold in the winter, making handy jobs out there almost impossible. The walls are cinder block and brick, so it's like being in a freezer. It stays cold there even after the temperature outside goes up in the spring.

There are things around the house that have worn out. They could be replaced, but they aren't that big a deal if I don't get to them. There will always be things like that. They drive me crazy, but there is really nothing I could do about them all at once, so I keep chipping away at them.

• There is a remote garage door opener that is attached to the wall inside the house so I can open the door before I go out. It hasn't worked since I replaced the batteries years ago. There was a way to program it, but I never figured it out. I will probably take it off the wall and throw it out when I paint. I hardly ever used it anyway. 
• The garage door cable needs to be replaced. I can buy the cable cheap at the hardware store and restring it, but I haven't bothered because the door works fine.
• I need to replace the garage door from a decorative point of view. It is still functional, but it's old and ugly. Painting it won't work. It needs to be replaced. The railing where the wheels are is also worn out, and they have probably improved the openers too over the years. I can't do that part myself. I'll have to contract out.
• The roof doesn't leak, but there are areas that should be fixed. The rain gutters have never been attached properly. They drain water, but when it rains heavily, the water runs right over them. The basement flooded when we first moved in, and channeling the water away from the house fixed that problem. There is a spot near the edge of the driveway that leaks onto the driveway in the winter. It freezes just where you want to step to get into the house. I haven't been able to fix that. I need a pro to do it. I covered the rain gutters with cheap grids from Home Depot and cut the trees down, so now I don't need to clean out the gutters, but I would like to replace the gutters with professional looking covers. I may try that myself next year, By the way, if you can do it yourself, you will save thousands of dollars. The materials cost about $200.00. Even the seamed gutters do a great job if they are done right. A bit of silicone seals the seams nicely and it lasts forever. The toppers just snap on and the downspouts are also plug and play. I just haven't gotten around to it yet.

Add to that, lots of other little things, like going out and buying new light switch covers, etc. and you have a lot of work to do. Last night, I replaced the ceiling light glass cover in the kitchen that has been in the closet for years since it wouldn't fit on with the new, large CFLs. I replaced the large CFLs with smaller, more powerful ones, and now the cover is back on. It looks better. The kitchen needs more lighting, but that will have to wait. For now, one fixture with two bulbs will have to do.

I can feel the pounds drifting away from just thinking about all the work that needs to be done. I guess it's time to go out and make it happen.

Life is Good!

Holy, Holy, Holy, Cow.

Now, is the time for my next step.

Life has always intervened or interrupted me while I'm trying to do things. I understand that this is part of the process. But, I sometimes wish I could just plow on through and ignore life for awhile.

The Christmas season is upon us here in the United States of America. This means that retailers are clamoring for our business. 

It means a guilt trip that is thrown upon parents and grandparents to buy things for our kids and grand kids. Otherwise, we will feel guilty that we have deprived them of something they should have.

It is a religious holiday also, but that has been overshadowed by the business people in order for them to make up for losses the rest of the year.

Ever since Dan Brown has become popular and famous, I have looked into the meaning of the holiday.

When I was a Jewish kid growing up, I couldn't quite understand the difference between the religions.

Why was I a Jew, and other were Christians?

Why did they have a bigger holiday than me?

I never got the answers to those and other questions, until I started studying the different religions. The answers I got did not glorify religion, as much as they glorified God.

My beliefs have never really changed, however, I have evolved and learned much that many of the people don't know. If they did, it might ruin the holiday season, and I really don't want to do that to them.

I celebrate the holiday along with them because, it is easier, and it is fun.

I didn't start out to write about this subject, so I will move on.

So, as long as I can remember, I have wanted to hibernate from the holiday. I have wanted to go somewhere that the holiday isn't celebrated as much, and not come back until it is over.

I love seeing the lights. I hate the crowds. I hate the fact that radio stations play horrible music just because the song mentions Christmas in some way.

I enjoy the traditional Christmas songs, yet the stations don't really play them that often.

I hate the fact that two of the radio stations in the area go 100% Christmas music just after Halloween as if the whole world is Christian. 

I don't mind saying "Merry Christmas", even though it's not my holiday.

Ooops. There I go again.

Christmas brings back memories. 

This year has been brutal for me. My wife was a big part of the grandkids lives during this holiday. Now, I am it. I don't celebrate the holiday because it's not mine, yet my kids and grand kids do. I don't feel at all "jolly", Never have.

So, what memories do I have? Thousands of little things. Good things, bad things. Scary things. 

As a kid, I remember going to the grandparents house for dinner. I remember lighting the candles for Hanukkah, and saying the prayers. But, I never knew why I was saying them, or what they meant. I did know what the holiday was for. I also found out that it was a minor holiday for Jews, but it was blown up to compete with the Christmas holiday.

I remember getting gifts and crying in private about them. You can read a previous blog to help understand that. I finally got a rational explanation that still doesn't help much with emotions. But, at least I now understand why.

I remember Santa riding on the fire truck, and sitting on his lap. Not much of that made sense either.

One year, my Mother told me that we wouldn't be celebrating Christmas or Easter anymore because it wasn't "Kosher". I asked her when it was going to be Kosher again? I didn't get an answer.

I remember when I was a little older, going to my best friend's home every year just to say hi. I remember talking to his mother and enjoying the time spent with old friends. His mother is gone now, and that's sad. I miss her.

I also remember taking the trip to my home town (Levittown) every year by myself to see the 3 houses I grew up in and being upset at how they changed. They were different every time I went back until I just didn't recognize them anymore.

I remember going to my Mom's grave and talking to her about things. I wish I could go there more often. I used to try to get Donna to visit her Parent's graves, but she wouldn't go. Sometimes, I would take her anyway, and we would stand there in silence for a few minutes.

My Dad is gone now, as are most of my friend's parents. 

The entire "Shaub" family is now gone. My wife, her parents, and her brother are dead. That is very shocking to me. I am living in their home. It is my home now, and I have lived here longer than I lived anywhere else.

Listen. If you are reading this far, and you have wondered what this has to do with Gastric Bypass surgery, or it's aftermath, read on. Please pass this on to any of the soon to be thinner pre-ops so they can see that one of the main obstacles to weight loss, is the emotional baggage that we all carry with us. It never goes away. But, if you chisel away at it, and never give up moving forward, you can fight this thing and win. The holiday season really brings out the emotions in me. It brings back stronger emotions than at any other time during the year. In January, after the holidays are gone and you don't see the lights anymore, depression sets in. It doesn't matter if you are overjoyed by the weight loss or not. Depression sets in and you have to deal with it. 

You now have a tool, and more energy. You have the ability to move faster and longer than you could in a long time. You feel better. You can actually complain about things, but you know in your heart that you are alive and happier than you have been in a long time because of the surgery.

We all have baggage that we will carry. But, it will get  lighter, and will be able to deal with the baggage if we keep on attacking it, little by little. Don't fall back into the old habits, if you can.

2008 - 2010 have been the best and worst times of my life.

• I lost weight and will keep it off for the rest of my life.
• I have regained my health, and can control it for the most part, and not let it control me. I have made changes in order to do this, and can never go back.
• I lost my wife, lover, mother of my children, and best (and sometimes worst) friend.
• I am alone for the first time in my life. There are no females dominant in my life to tell me what to do. I am making choices for the first time on my own.

1968 - 1976 

If I could go back, this would be the time I would go to. I was the most productive, and happiest ever. I met all of my lifetime friends then, and still have many of them. Thank God for Facebook. I mean that.

Right now is the scariest time in my life. If I make mistakes, and I already have, they are mine now.

So, to conclude this and get back to the world, I will tell you what I am doing and what the pictures have to do with it.

• Medically, I have to start working out more. I haven't put that onto my schedule because I am overwhelmed by other things. I believe I am making progress in non formal ways. I am painting and fixing things up, and spending much less time in idle activities. I am also taking time off for myself.
• Spiritually, I am praying daily. I mostly pray for others because what happens to me will be God's will. My prayers are for others to be what they are supposed to be. I also pray for my wife to follow her journey where ever it leads.
• Physically, I am walking and want to continue to do that. 
• Mentally, I am getting counseling, as well as trying to better understand what is happening to me and the world around me. I am reading more too. I bought 6 books which I will consume over the next month. I am a voracious reader when I get the chance.

The picture of the music equipment is what I plan to work with over the next few months to try to re-capture what I had during the late 60's listed above. I don't want to re-do it. I just want to get back to it. I was good back then, and with what I know now, I should be able to record and play my guitar again.
 

I have stayed away from the malls and shopping areas as much as possible. I have gone there once or twice during non peak hours. I can't avoid it altogether. My bus route goes too near to the tourist trap areas and that's a pain to fight through the traffic. I have to get out to do some shopping for household goods soon, but have done all my holiday shopping online. UPS, FedEx, and USPS love me. I'm keeping them in business.

I will travel to see my grandkids on Christmas Day, but that's about it.

I am working on the pile in the pictures. There are two types of papers in those boxes:

1. Legal disclaimer crap that I can't throw out, but will never read or use.
2. The meat and potatoes. These are the bills, and other documents from Donna's illness, as well as the household bills, receipts and other stuff for tax purposes.

There are other boxes and piles that I will sort through in the wee hours of the night soon. I plan to have them all organized so that when tax time comes around, I will have what I need to get through it without losing my mind. I am not a business person. I have no sense at all when it comes to that stuff and if it wasn't for the online programs, I would be lost. This year, because of the situation, I have no idea what will happen. The way the government is going, I will lose it all. This should make my decisions easier, because then, I won't have any choices left. That of course, is the worst case scenario. I expect to do better than that.

The disorder of the room will be sorted out soon and things from the music room will be moved to the other room in order for me to paint the music room to a more neutral color. I am making much progress.

I am glad I have an outlet to talk about these things. Even if no one else reads, I feel better when I can get it out. maybe in a couple hundred years someone will think that I was the genius of this age and base all actions on my words.....nah!

Question for you?

Background first:

I'm sitting here, out of energy for the day. I still have stuff to do, but I don't have the energy right now. I'm gonna sit for awhile longer and then head to bed.

I've been up since 4am, which is pretty normal for me.

So, I thought I would sit here and recover for a few minutes and ask a simple question:

How long has it been since you didn't watch TV or mess with the computer in the evening?

Tonight, I had to unplug the TV in order to paint behind it. I won't be able to watch TV until tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to survive.

Last year/This year

Last year, during this time, my life was in turmoil.

My wife was in the process of going through her chemotherapy to reduce the tumors. There were two choices she could make:

1. The slower/safer course using older technology. this involved taking a pill every day and then getting checked. it would have taken 6 months or so to reduce the tumors, and then they could take care of them.
2. Advanced chemotherapy. This is a severe method that works quickly. She would go for a 6 hour treatment once a week for 4 to 6 weeks. They would keep track of her body chemistry to make sure she was tolerating it. It would make her hair fall out, and would put her at severe risk for infections and other problems. There are also long term side effects. 

I was skeptical about the heavy duty stuff and wanted her to go with the slower/gentler course which was the old way of doing things. that technology was proven, but it also was much slower.

She chose the second course of chemo because she believed she was strong enough to handle it, and she wanted the tumors to be reduced quickly so she could get back to her normal life. Radiation therapy was not an option since she had already had that when she was a teen.

We were getting ready for the holiday, and had no idea where things would go.

I was heartbroken because I could see Donna getting sicker and sicker. I was worried about her, and also worried about me. I didn't know what would happen if she died. I didn't know what would happen to me. Yes, I was a bit self centered. Who isn't?

Donna made it through the first 3 courses of chemo before she started losing her hair. I took her to a lady who had been through the chemo herself and sold wigs and scarfs as well as being a beautician. She cut Donna's hair off and fitted her for the wig.

Donna never got to wear the wig more than a few times before she went into the hospital for the last time. The chemo knocked her down and she never got back up. She tried to recover, but there were too many things going against her.

This is the first year I am on my own since she died in August. I remember the horrible feeling of being totally helpless, not being able to do anything to protect her. How else did I handle things?

Well, the first thing to be sacrificed was my health. I was so worried about the future, that I started buying easy meals. They are called "Steamers". They are fairly healthy, considering that they are pre-packaged.

I stopped formally exercising, instead to go out and walk. I lost sleep, and spent hours fighting the urge to run and hide instead of going to see her waste away, sick and weak.

I am still in that pattern. I haven't been able to break it, yet I am content because my weight hasn't gone up. I still take my vitamins. I drink my liquid. I walk quite a bit, and I have been cleaning the house out.

I am in the process of painting the place, and have been fighting to play my guitar again, which I should be able to do next week, God willing.

I have been going for counseling and that has helped a lot.

I have been noticing that others who don't have the trauma to deal with also have been fighting their own demons. Once I got beyond a certain point, I found that the old habits tried to creep back into my life. They have disguised themselves, and that makes it tough to continue to lose weight. But, I have always said and believed that the surgery was a tool and not a cure.

I am grateful this year that I don't have to celebrate the holiday that was never mine to begin with. I have my own beliefs, and they don't concern you or anyone else unless I tell you about them, or you ask me. I hate it when people try to force their beliefs on me, which is why I am grateful for a break this year from Christmas.

I gave away my lights, and decorations.

I am simplifying my life, and since I really can't leave here this year, it is a good thing.

I am still in mourning, but I am moving towards a future that is bright because of my prayers, and God's grace to grant me the ability to see what's next.

I miss Donna.

Life is good.

Stuck for a bit

I have been documenting my dreams in an effort to make sense of them and to get unstuck. It's all part of my quest to move forward. Every night, the brain goes through this process of defragging. The information the brain works on are pieces of events we experienced previously. We apparently don't take the time to sort them out when they happen, so the brain takes these pieces and place them into some sort of order while we sleep so that we don't end up losing touch with reality. Dreams are just the part of that process that we remember. When we look at them after we are awake, we can figure out stuff we need to in order to feel a little better about things.

I have dreams of meeting dead relatives, and friends. I have lived through many of the events I shared with my wife in my dreams so that I can make peace with myself and her spirit. This has resulted in concentration that has robbed me of some quality sleep these past few weeks. But, it's been necessary. I need to resolve these things, or I will end up blaming myself for things I have no control over. Those times have passed. I can't allow them to rule my life or I won't get anything useful done.

While I'm awake:

It seems that I have so many things to do, that given the opportunity to do something useful, rather than necessary, I choose the latter.

I clean the house, or organize something. I plan something out, then go do something else. I get swamped once a week or so, and I just shut down. This happened yesterday.

I used to have the energy to work late into the night, and then with a few hours sleep, go on with the next day. Now, if I don't get my nap every day, I am a mess, and it just gets worse.

My energy levels are at new highs compared to what I did 10 years ago, and as recently as 3 years ago, but I am getting older. I've written about this again and again. I got stuck on it because I am trying to conquer it.

I used to be a clean nut, and now I have that chance again and am trying to follow through with it. I just don't have the time or energy to do it all. Oh well, one thing at a time.

• It is too soon to start dating again. I would like female companionship, but I now have different values. I am not looking for more kids, so the next relationship I hope to have will concentrate just on the two of us, with minor distractions for the kids and grand kids. They will be a part of my life, not the majority of my life as it used to be. 

• Holding hands again would be oh so nice!

• I am really starting to enjoy the fact that I am the only one living here. I like the solitude, but not the loneliness, if that makes sense.

• The thought of going back into the crazy, sick society bothers me. I don't want to play the games again. I don't want to get dressed up. I never quite figured out why I had to anyway. I would rather live most of my life in casual clothing, blending in, not standing out.

• I am not fat anymore. I am almost normal. I can hide the excess flab around my belly with clothing just fine. I look like a typical, normal older man. I feel like a teenager.

• The world still fascinates me.

• I like speaking correctly, and spelling the same way. I hate the new shorthand in both speech and typing.

• I love the new technology, but haven't tried a Wii or video games. I still don't understand the extra appeal of Blu Ray, and I haven't figured out if I can download stuff onto my cell phone without paying for it.

• I still find myself stuck in front of the TV for hours when I should be doing something else. I can't move the treadmill to the Living room, because it won't fit, and I won't move the TV to the basement. I also won't buy a second TV for the basement.

• I miss my wife.

• I miss my old friends. I tried to organize a get together for old friends in my old hometown, but so far, it hasn't worked. I would love to sit with people and just talk for hours again, like we used to when we were kids. I know people today have other obligations, but it would be nice. I guess I'll have to settle for Facebook.

Over the next few days, I will be trying my hardest to do two things:

1. Finish painting the living room.
2. Learning how to program the IMAC for recording my music.

The first on is the toughest because it should be the easiest and it isn't. I hate painting. I know I can just dig in and finish it, but everything inside of me is fighting to keep me from finishing the job. I have the whole house to finish. I just did some finishing work on the new enclosed porch. I just installed doorbells.

• Today, I made up a ground buffalo meat/rice combination so I would have some variety to my meals. I promised myself I would go out to eat two nights in a row, and instead made buffalo. It kept me from going out into the cold, and I thought it might allow me to paint some more. I did manage to paint some trim this morning, and after this piece is written, I will try once again to finish the one wall so I can start to move the furniture back. I did get the one set of curtains hung along with the new rods.

So now, I will stop writing this to edit it, and then I will go out and try to do the wall.

Life is good!

Wish me luck.

Just had to write something

I took possession of a new IMAC desktop computer yesterday and I wanted to comment about it here.

I spent time setting it up yesterday, and still don't understand much about it, but if it works, I will be able to record my music and move forward in a big way very soon. 

There are many things about it that are not quite right yet. I don't think I have it set up the way it should be. But, like all computers, there is a learning curve.

Looking at it compared to my Dell laptop, that I bought less than a year ago, is like the difference between a Ford and a Rolls Royce. The craftsmanship is amazing. This thing is a work of art. The mouse has no buttons on it, but has 4 functions built in and all you have to do is touch it.

• It has a left button
• It has a right button
• It has a slide sideways thingy
• It will scroll

All of this without buttons!

The keyboard is very small with large keys, and is very easy to type with once you get the hang of it. One problem I have is that it is missing keys, or I just haven't found them yet.

• No backspace key. I'm sure there is a backspace function there somewhere, I just haven't found it yet.
• No beginning or end keys. I always correct my spelling as I go and I use those keys a lot. But right now, I don't know where they are. I have heard there is a larger keyboard available, and if I don't find the missing strokes, I may just have to invest in one.
• No page up or down keys. They have to be here somewhere!

The keyboard and mouse are wireless and the computer is mounted in the monitor, which is huge, by the way. There are no wires anywhere! Wow! When I go to my Dell, I have to climb through the maze to get there and I have to be careful to not pull anything out. The mouse is not as easy to slide around as I would like. I have to move it so far to get to another part of the screen. I think there is an adjustment somewhere, but again, I haven't had time to look.

When I say the monitor is huge, I mean in viewing size, not actual size. It has a 21 inch diagonal screen. It is super clear, not anything like the Dell.

The footprint on the table is so small compared to the Dell.

I am hoping to use this as a tool, and not so much as a toy.

It has stereo speakers, a camera and mic built in. They came with the unit, not as an add on with the Dell. The software I needed came loaded, plus I have disc backup, that the Dell doesn't have.

Ergonomically, this thing is very nice. It's easy to use and see everything I need to see.

I downloaded a variety of programs I use on the Dell, and they work flawlessly. I still have to figure out the best way to transfer pictures over. Apple has a nice program where I can make collages with music, and I plan to do a tribute to Donna that I couldn't do with Open Office on my Dell.

I will leave my music alone for now since I am going to fill this drive with my own music soon.

All in all, if this computer works out, I will be transferring everything over to it and probably sell the Dell, along with a pile of other stuff I have accumulated. This will help offset the cost of the new computer, which isn't that much when you consider all the stuff it comes with. It really is a wonder.

If PCs were this nice, Apple wouldn't have a chance.

I have downloaded security software and installed it even though they say Macs don' get hacked all that often, but I am not taking any chances.

My exercise program this week consisted of moving construction materials for the porch, and painting. Last night, I installed one of the curtain rods, and hung my first curtains. I was very slow because I didn't want to make mistakes that i couldn't repair. It seems to have worked well, although I am not too happy with the new curtain colors. I will look around for better colors and materials with my next purchase.

I went for a long walk last night after bundling up. It really wasn't that cold, but I was for some reason. I couldn't get warm yesterday. My new winter layers are wonderful and I felt very comfortable walking. I stopped by the grave site, and found that the stone had been installed. I couldn't take a picture of it because my cell doesn't have a flash. But, it looks just like it's supposed to look and I am pleased.

Today, I have to go look at doors at Home Depot, and then I'm going to go to a candle shop to stock up for the winter. I like scented candles in the house. They smell better than the house after years of people and animals. Once I get the carpet cleaned or replaced, that aroma should dissipate somewhat.

Arrrgghhh

I asked my son's friend to enclose my porch using insulated walls last week. He showed up yesterday and since my son has a bad back, I went along with him to Home Depot to get supplies.

• 33 2x4s of two different lengths
• 8 sheets of R1-11 siding panels
• Various pieces of hardware to complete the task

I was planning on continuing the priming/painting work,but old age crept in.

I felt as if I was getting the flu last night. I was sore and achy and cold.

The outside temperature has dropped and it rained most of yesterday, so I imagine the humidity had something to do with it. Some of the kids on my bus are sick, so I thought I was catching something.

Anyway, I took a tylenol caplet and broke it apart and took it with a sip.

About an hour later, I started to warm up and feel better. So, it's not a bug, it's just old age. I think I'd rather have the bug.At least with the bug, I would get over it. Can't do that with old age.

This morning, I went back to Home Depot to pick up more supplies. I have a sore shoulder now, but have more tylenol in the cabinet should I need it.

I didn't get any painting done last night but I did manage to set things up for when I do get started. I slept well.

I can't imagine what will happen when I finally get back to a full time job. My energy level is fine, but my endurance is terrible. I fizzle easily.

Life is still good. I am not complaining, rather, I am just writing down my thoughts in case anyone is interested.

So many friends.....

When we moved into this house in 1992, we had been living in flat white walled apartments. The house we bought in West York had a light blue and rose theme per the real estate agent's wishes. He thought that that would be a good color combination and he was right. It helped us sell the house when it was time.

Donna had bright shiny blue eyes. That was what drew me to her in the first place 34 years ago. When I bought things for the house, it was those eyes that I wanted to highlight.

It didn't matter what went on, good or bad, in our life, I was in love with those eyes, and the woman attached to them.

So, when we moved into the house she grew up in, I wanted to highlight her eyes. I wanted bright colors because of the bland colors of the places we had lived before.

I painted the living room a deep beautiful blue.

I painted the hallway the same color. I added deep blue carpet for both areas. Nice, thick carpet. I didn't think about the future or re-sale appeal.

Our bedroom was painted lipstick red with a white ceiling and white carpet. It made Donna glow, and I loved it.

My son wanted institution green for his room, so I brightened it up a bit and gave it to him. My daughter liked the color in her room, which was a very pale green with a mural on the wall from her grandparents. I can understand her wanting to retain that style as a memory of them.

When she moved out, I painted the room a brighter green, but left the mural alone. It was tattered and falling off the wall, but it was still there. Donna wanted that room as her sewing room, so I painted it bright for her. She didn't like it. She never got to change it. She never got to use the room.

For some reason, I never got to paint the bathroom or kitchen. They look terrible and worn out. They are some color that I can't even describe. Her parents were traditional, with bland colors. The kitchen has stains from all the years of cooking. The floor is in the same shape as are the ceilings of both rooms.

So over the years, I have painted the living room and the bedrooms. I also painted the basement this past year with a combination of white paint and waterproof white paint. This brightened up the basement considerably. There is just a bit of sunlight that comes in there during the day, and that helps a lot.

I painted the garage too. My Father in Law never got around to that. I tried to put an angled red white and blue pattern on the one wall, but it looks terrible. I'm not an artist and that proved that no matter how sincere I was about trying, I'll never be an artist. At least I can sing and play guitar!

I am working on the porch too. It had aluminum screened walls that wore out over the years. I am having the walls replaced with permanent ones to stop the breeze and add another room. I have to put some kind of floor on the concrete, and maybe paint the brick walls. Another project that will add value to the house when and if I sell it.

When I originally painted the house, just before we moved in, I was working and not too fat. I did a lot of the work myself, but Donna helped. I think the kids even chipped in a bit too. I had the carpet put in by a professional.

Much of the improvements over the years have been done by pros, but I have done a lot myself too. The problems came when I got too fat to do the work.

Donna never helped with the lawn mowing, but instead, she did the gardens. She never finished them, but had intentions of doing so. I always used a push mower, sometimes self propelled. I used a plain push mower when I had the WLS as a form of exercise. You can read about that in the archives.

I am in the process, of being obsessed. I want to finish everything that was started here. I don't have anyone living here with me, so I should be able to work until I drop, walk away, then come back and finish something without having to worry about anything being disturbed.

I can do that, but so far haven't been able to. I spend a lot of my time wasted as far as actually working. Oh I have gotten a lot of thing finished, but there is so much more to do. If I were to work 8 hours a day painting now, I would be finished in a week or two. My ADD doesn't seem to want to allow me to do that. I am frustrated, but have learned patience and don't let it bother me too much. I have made so much progress in my whole life, not just fixing the house.

Painting is good exercise. It is low impact and steady. I need to concentrate and not allow my muscles to relax. It is not aerobic, although the fumes in here make me wonder if I'm being affected.

I am at a standstill as far as my music is concerned while I am fixing the house. My fingers are sore, but it's my mind that isn't allowing me to play. Something is still blocking me from just doing it.

I still have a list a mile long of things that I have to do. They pile up until I just take the time and do them. I have two letters to send out tomorrow with death certificates. I have dishes. I have to fold the summer clothes and put them into the Cedar chest.

I have to sort all the papers that Donna's death caused. Bills, taxes, insurance, medical.

I want to get a budget started so I know how much money I need to make to maintain this lifestyle and still be able to go on vacation.

It's funny, but I cleaned off my desk two weeks ago, and you wouldn't know it to look at it today.

I spend too much time on Face book and here!