Stuck for a bit

I have been documenting my dreams in an effort to make sense of them and to get unstuck. It's all part of my quest to move forward. Every night, the brain goes through this process of defragging. The information the brain works on are pieces of events we experienced previously. We apparently don't take the time to sort them out when they happen, so the brain takes these pieces and place them into some sort of order while we sleep so that we don't end up losing touch with reality. Dreams are just the part of that process that we remember. When we look at them after we are awake, we can figure out stuff we need to in order to feel a little better about things.

I have dreams of meeting dead relatives, and friends. I have lived through many of the events I shared with my wife in my dreams so that I can make peace with myself and her spirit. This has resulted in concentration that has robbed me of some quality sleep these past few weeks. But, it's been necessary. I need to resolve these things, or I will end up blaming myself for things I have no control over. Those times have passed. I can't allow them to rule my life or I won't get anything useful done.

While I'm awake:

It seems that I have so many things to do, that given the opportunity to do something useful, rather than necessary, I choose the latter.

I clean the house, or organize something. I plan something out, then go do something else. I get swamped once a week or so, and I just shut down. This happened yesterday.

I used to have the energy to work late into the night, and then with a few hours sleep, go on with the next day. Now, if I don't get my nap every day, I am a mess, and it just gets worse.

My energy levels are at new highs compared to what I did 10 years ago, and as recently as 3 years ago, but I am getting older. I've written about this again and again. I got stuck on it because I am trying to conquer it.

I used to be a clean nut, and now I have that chance again and am trying to follow through with it. I just don't have the time or energy to do it all. Oh well, one thing at a time.

• It is too soon to start dating again. I would like female companionship, but I now have different values. I am not looking for more kids, so the next relationship I hope to have will concentrate just on the two of us, with minor distractions for the kids and grand kids. They will be a part of my life, not the majority of my life as it used to be. 

• Holding hands again would be oh so nice!

• I am really starting to enjoy the fact that I am the only one living here. I like the solitude, but not the loneliness, if that makes sense.

• The thought of going back into the crazy, sick society bothers me. I don't want to play the games again. I don't want to get dressed up. I never quite figured out why I had to anyway. I would rather live most of my life in casual clothing, blending in, not standing out.

• I am not fat anymore. I am almost normal. I can hide the excess flab around my belly with clothing just fine. I look like a typical, normal older man. I feel like a teenager.

• The world still fascinates me.

• I like speaking correctly, and spelling the same way. I hate the new shorthand in both speech and typing.

• I love the new technology, but haven't tried a Wii or video games. I still don't understand the extra appeal of Blu Ray, and I haven't figured out if I can download stuff onto my cell phone without paying for it.

• I still find myself stuck in front of the TV for hours when I should be doing something else. I can't move the treadmill to the Living room, because it won't fit, and I won't move the TV to the basement. I also won't buy a second TV for the basement.

• I miss my wife.

• I miss my old friends. I tried to organize a get together for old friends in my old hometown, but so far, it hasn't worked. I would love to sit with people and just talk for hours again, like we used to when we were kids. I know people today have other obligations, but it would be nice. I guess I'll have to settle for Facebook.

Over the next few days, I will be trying my hardest to do two things:

1. Finish painting the living room.
2. Learning how to program the IMAC for recording my music.

The first on is the toughest because it should be the easiest and it isn't. I hate painting. I know I can just dig in and finish it, but everything inside of me is fighting to keep me from finishing the job. I have the whole house to finish. I just did some finishing work on the new enclosed porch. I just installed doorbells.

• Today, I made up a ground buffalo meat/rice combination so I would have some variety to my meals. I promised myself I would go out to eat two nights in a row, and instead made buffalo. It kept me from going out into the cold, and I thought it might allow me to paint some more. I did manage to paint some trim this morning, and after this piece is written, I will try once again to finish the one wall so I can start to move the furniture back. I did get the one set of curtains hung along with the new rods.

So now, I will stop writing this to edit it, and then I will go out and try to do the wall.

Life is good!

Wish me luck.