It seems that everyone who was posting on the different blogs I've been following has stopped posting for one reason or another.
I know one blogger was having lots of problems and I understand. I've had my share.
A fellow WLS stopped posting in his blog, but has been very busy writing his book as well as living life. I understand.
It's amazing that 2 years out from my WLS has changed my way of looking at things and I stopped posting because of those changes. It just doesn't seem that important anymore.
Well, it seem that I am wrong. It is important. Maybe not to me, but to the folks who are reading this.
Of course, over the two years, I have been selfish and I wrote this blog mainly for me. It was an ego boost to have people reading this and supporting me in my efforts. It's been a learning experience too, but I've found it is important for me to write my thoughts down.
In a semi public forum such as this blog, I've had to censor some of my thoughts, but in my private writings, I can pretty much say what I am feeling at that moment. There is an expression of my emotions during those rants, rather than logic and common sense. That's OK, because there is one less person I can talk to about my feelings, and that was the one that mattered most to me.
One of the surprises I spoke about above, is that not only has my weight controlled how I feel and what I can do physically, but it's also controlled what and how I think.
Fat makes you think differently. It makes you feel differently. It makes you dream differently.
How amazing that is to realize!
I have been writing a lot in private. This has become very important to me.
The blog has taken a back seat because there really isn't anything that I want to talk about out loud so that others can read. But, I have a real need to write about things out to myself. (I wrote this before I wrote the above paragraph).
I sometimes write a statement as I think about it, and then go on to something else before returning to it later. Sometimes I delete it. This time, I let it stay here.
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After experiencing the death of my wife, Life has changed in more ways than just weight loss.
I gained back about 15 to 20 pounds and haven't been able to get rid of it.
I have thrown myself into the task of cleaning out the house, in preparation for selling it, or keeping it.
I went through changes that were so emotional, I didn't think I could survive. A WLS person who doesn't lose a loved one in the process, doesn't have to deal with both of these traumas at the same time.
I have read and heard that many WLS patients end up divorcing their spouse (or the other way around) because the weight really did mask more than just their physical capacity to do things. I really thought I was going to be one of those people.
My wife and I have not seen eye to eye for a long time. My surgery was going to change that one way or the other for me. It wasn't just about living again. it wasn't just about being able to bend over, or do things again. It was (partially) about finally confronting my marriage to see if that's where we should be. One way or the other, I was going to face that problem which we had both avoided for so long.
I made a deal with myself that no matter how bad things got, I wasn't ever going to leave my wife. She wanted me to leave for a long time, but I wouldn't give in. I didn't think I could live up to that deal and that was eating me up inside. I fed my fears and insecurities with more food than I needed. I kept it bottled up inside me as a way to shield myself from the pain.
WLS was the scariest thing I had ever done because it was going to expose me completely. I was going to be open for others to really see who I was. I wasn't sure I was worthy of anyone's love or respect.
When Donna got sick, it was only a year after my surgery, so I never really got the chance to open myself up to her and find out what she really thought. I changed gears and again life was about her. All about her. With a terminal illness, that's the way it should be.
I was able to tell her how I felt, and express things to her, but wasn't able to get much back from her in the way of feedback. She went to her grave holding that information inside of her, and I'm left to deal with that. I know in my heart that she appreciated what I did for her during her ordeal.
I now know that I loved her. I lost track of that for a long time and just became someone who showed up for "work" everyday, and kept many of my feelings to myself.
This past week, there was a change and it started with Chili!
Yes, Chili.
I went from feeling as if I had to keep things as they were for my wife and kids, to finally starting to believe that I can now start to live for myself for the first time in my life.
I have been on hold since I was born.
I still have to deal with the "phantom pains" of the ball and chain of marriage.
Examples?
- "I know you'd love to have a new driveway, but we have to make sure the kids are taken care of".
- "I would love to see those bushes taken out by a professional, but it's so expensive. If you want them out, do them yourself".
- "We don't need a large screen HDTV. We can do without".
Well, the waiting is over.
- I'm working with my son and his fiance to help them emotionally to understand what they need to do in order to better care for their kids, and to get back on their feet, all without making any more financial contributions.
- I now have my driveway.
- I had the bushes taken out and am now working with a landscaper to replace them with new bushes that won't grow to obscene proportions.
- I took ownership of a 42 inch 1080p LED HDTV. I also added a Zvox home theater sound system to it. I will offset the cost by not going to the theater to see movies. I am also not eating out nearly as often. Netflix forever!
I started walking yesterday, in earnest. I decided that was going to be my main form of exercise.
There is a trail North of here that is actually three trails combined.
I met a neighbor there and we started talking about hiking. He is an avid hiker, and although we probably won't be walking together, he gave me information that I am going to use in order to do what I need to accomplish my goals.
There are many other places I would like to go to walk as well, but this trail is the longest, as well as being close, and if I get into a habit of doing it, I will be more likely to succeed. There is a closer and shorter trail (2.5 miles long, 5.0 miles round trip) and I will use that as a way of building myself up to the longer trail. And, there are other trails that I can get to by car, if I plan ahead for a long Saturday walk. I had thought of dusting off the old bike (21 speed Upland), but will wait for awhile to see how my walking goes.
Now onto the chili:
I added a box of long grain rice to the mix. I used the magic bullet to pulverize the stewed tomatoes instead of using water to cook the rice. I also used black beans instead of the 15 bean soup mix. The black beans have a better flavor and consistency for me. I like it.
That's where my inspiration came from to move on. Beans!
There is a trail North of here that is actually three trails combined.
I met a neighbor there and we started talking about hiking. He is an avid hiker, and although we probably won't be walking together, he gave me information that I am going to use in order to do what I need to accomplish my goals.
- Camelbak makes a backpack with a liquid reservoir, and storage pockets. I will pack my food, sugar supplements, and anything else I need. I ordered one.
- I've always wanted an expensive pair of socks. I've always bought my socks from K Mart, and I wanted a pair that "wicked" the moisture away from the feet and kept them "toasty". My feet always got cold. I splurged and ordered a $15.00 pair of socks!
- I always wondered if silk underwear was warm. I bought some for Donna and she liked them, so I ordered a pair for me.
- I've always wanted hiking boots. I had a pair back in the 80's and loved them. I walked for miles and miles back then. I ordered a high back sneaker style that was waterproof, and a similar pair in low back. I hope to have to order another two pair in the spring when the tread is gone!
- I need to load my cell phone SD card with music so I can listen while I walk. The voices in my head need to be drowned out once in awhile. I only have 14,000 songs in my DJ library, so I will have to get new music soon! I have to buy a decent set of earbuds that don't fall out when I walk. I did use a full size set, but they would probably burn the battery down too quickly on a 10 mile hike.
- I bought a pair of ice spikes for walking in the slippery weather. They are made just for walking, not for climbing. I saw them last year and wanted to try them, but of course, I had to wait. I really need them when doing the driveway and sidewalk because I hate full size boots. They wear me out and make my feet and other body parts hurt.
There are many other places I would like to go to walk as well, but this trail is the longest, as well as being close, and if I get into a habit of doing it, I will be more likely to succeed. There is a closer and shorter trail (2.5 miles long, 5.0 miles round trip) and I will use that as a way of building myself up to the longer trail. And, there are other trails that I can get to by car, if I plan ahead for a long Saturday walk. I had thought of dusting off the old bike (21 speed Upland), but will wait for awhile to see how my walking goes.
Now onto the chili:
I added a box of long grain rice to the mix. I used the magic bullet to pulverize the stewed tomatoes instead of using water to cook the rice. I also used black beans instead of the 15 bean soup mix. The black beans have a better flavor and consistency for me. I like it.
That's where my inspiration came from to move on. Beans!
