Powerless

I have had some insane dreams over the past year.
I've expected nothing less, since my life has changed directions so drastically.
I went from being too fat, to losing everything. Well, not everything.
The fact that I am on my own is one of the reasons I have had these crazy dreams. Maybe you don't realize how important it is to have friends to talk to in person. At least, it's important to me. I do talk to people, but not in person.
Every weekend for the past year, with very few exceptions, I have been a total recluse. I rarely get phone calls on the weekend. I do get texts if I initiate them, and I do a lot of surfing on Facebook. Sometimes, I do IM's on Facebook, but not many other places.
My inner voice is always talking. Sometimes I am able to ignore it, but then the damn music starts playing and a song will repeat over and over. So, my dreams become the place for me to defrag everything that is going on in my brain.
Recently, I have been watching old TV shows as I've stated in previous posts. I study people and it is good for me to see how others handle their problems. TV today is much better at handling things realistically, and that helps me to figure out what I need to do.
I do a lot of emoting during these shows as I try to rid myself of the pain of the past two years and move into the healing process. I am making progress.

I've been writing down my thoughts and trying very hard to finish everything I need to do here in the house. They predicted snow today and it is an early snow, and a heavy one.
About an hour ago, the power went out. The silence in the house was deafening, but the sound of the ticking battery operated clocks brought me to realize just how loud this house is. I can't hear the clocks when the power is on because there are so many things plugged in and they all make noise. Not a lot of noise, but it is there none the less.

Some thoughts came to the front of the brain when the power first went out:

• What the hell was I doing in a snow storm? I had planned on being in Florida by now, playing music for my living.
• My CPAP machine won't work without electricity.
  
• Everything is electric. What happens if the power stays off?
• No microwave oven. Everything I cook is done using the microwave. I did an inventory of what I could eat in case the power was off long term. I have plenty of protein bars in the fridge, and could use the gas grill if I needed.
  
• No TV, or other electronic media. My laptop computer stayed on because it has a battery, but the main computer went down.
• I would have to go out to the car in order to charge my phone. As soon as I lost power, one of my local friends started texting me. Soon, my daughter and three other friends were texting me.
• I went through the house and unplugged everything that I don't use on a regular basis. I found I still had a speaker system plugged in and it was making noises that I wasn't happy about. I also went into the basement to check the breaker box in case it was just my house.
• I got my under armor shirt on, as well as a hat in case it got cold in the house. I am much more comfortable with them on now.
• I took pictures of outside the house and did a quick tour to make sure the wires were still connected to the house. I also surveyed the neighborhood in case a tree fell locally that I could report. Everything looked normal, except for the snow on everything so early in the season. The snow will be gone in the next few days because the temp will go up again and there are no predictions of more precipitation.

The fire companies are out all over the place with trees and wires down, so the power may go out yet again.
So, today, I will stay home, but I may go outside as soon as I see the snow slowing down. I want to get my workout by shoveling the driveway and sidewalk.

Today, since I knew there would be snow, I had planned on staying inside for the most part. The snow is very wet and heavy, so it is not good to walk in. It would be like walking in a heavy rainfall. I have my shoe spikes in case I change my mind, and I can deal with the wet if I really put my mind to it.

OK, what's next?

Working in a coal mine, going down down down...

I found a gelatin capsule with Glucosamine/chondroitin. I hadn't taken it since before the surgery.
But the damn statin drug made my fingers and I needed something.
I ran out of fish oil about 3 days ago and I noticed I started to feel better for some reason.
So, I went out and got the stuff above and the fish oil, and started taking it again anyway.
I'm hoping the stuff will take away enough pain for me to start playing guitar again.

I also started working on a recipe book in my head. I doubt it will ever see the written page, but it's a good exercise for my brain.
I have another idea to write down some of my experience as a bus driver as far as safety and good driving habits are concerned, but that one will not make it either. They both sound better in my head than they ever will on paper.
I have several other ideas for books that will only be written if I am a total invalid and have nothing else to do except write. It just ain't gonna happen. I have too many other things to think about.

I have friends and family that have problems much greater than mine for the most part. I run those problems through my mind while driving and come up with some solutions, but usually keep them to myself because they do sound better in my head than they do coming out into the world. I do tell them sometimes, but they usually get shot down.

My son has some problems right now that I have no idea how to help him. But I know that I can't do anything for him other than to pray and listen to him. If I did help, he wouldn't grow and move forward. He was doing so well, but he screwed up and now he is paying the price. I personally hate making mistakes, but have learned to live with them so far.

I had some things I was going to write about tonight, but I'm very tired and won't be able to think clearly in a few minutes. Gonna head to bed.

Life and death!

So, I'm sitting on a hill in my school bus this morning behind a small car. In front of that car is a fully loaded 18 wheeler. This guy did 25 mph the entire way down the road I was on. The road is an open 2 lane with full visibility and the speed limit is 45, so I figured he was from out of town and I gave him a wide berth.
Now, he was stuck on the hill with nowhere to go. He couldn't figure out how to shift his gears in order to make it up the hill, and every time he tried to go, he stalled and had to jam the brakes to keep from sliding back down the hill.
In the meantime, there was a line of vehicles, including several school buses behind him. I run scenarios in my head all the time when things like this happen. I think about what I would do if his brakes failed and he started rolling backwards. He wouldn't be able to slow himself down and the truck would just roll backwards faster and faster until he started taking out whatever was behind him, until he would finally stop with multiple cars, trucks and buses mangled.
Then, it came to me that this was a real possibility. There was a small car in front of me, and that stood no chance against this truck. I saw that car (we're back to reality now) put the car into reverse, and start moving back from the now sliding truck.
I looked behind me and since my bus is bigger than the average car, no one behind me could see the situation. I had nowhere to go. If I jumped out of the bus, others would still get hurt. If I tried to slow the truck down when it got to me, I might have been able to save others, but I would surely get hurt.
When you watch TV shows, there is always music and multiple angles to view so that you can figure out what is going to happen next, and you can watch it from a safe distance. Reality isn't like that.
About this time, a woman comes around the passenger side of the truck and starts waving to us to move back. The problem is that we can't do that because we are all in line. There is nowhere to go.
So, I waited for her to get near me, and I roll down the window and tell her to stop traffic ahead of the truck so we can get around it. She does that and I am able to get around the truck and go on my way.
I pop the blue tooth into my ear and I call 911 and report what I consider to be a dangerous situation. The dispatcher takes my information and tells me that she will pass it on.
I leave the scene and go home to write this.

I got home 10 minutes ago and I'm still shaky. I was in a no win situation this morning, and I won anyway. In all my 38 years of bus driving, I have hated every second of the 15%, and wished I could be somewhere else, doing something else.

They say that you can train to avoid 85% of accidents. The other 15% you can't. But, you can minimize you risks by being prepared.

This situation was impossible to avoid. But, by the grace of God, it didn't happen.
I've since checked the online fire radio and haven't seen anything, so I am assuming the truck made it off the hill and everything turned out OK. The thing I am almost certain about, is that the truck driver and his woman passenger had no idea how serious a situation they had gotten into by not being prepared. They will likely continue on their trip laughing about how stupid the roads are.

I have to drive the roads with idiots like this everyday and I thank God I make it through without hurting anyone or getting hurt myself.

I am almost to the point of hanging up my CDL and all the years of training because I am scared to death of people like this.

Mindless idiots behind the wheel.