It took me 57 years to get to this point. Oh, what I would have given to have this information and the ability to do something about it when I was young.
Mourning a loss of a loved one is rough.
I don't feel any better than I did last week, but now it's time to move forward again.
My wife is buried over by the park, and that gives me the excuse to walk over there instead of driving. (you see that water tower? She is just to the left, within view of the park).
I walked twice this week. It felt good, although the muscles and joints are sore from the ordeal of the funeral. I didn't lift anything. I didn't do anything physically stressful. I just stood for a few hours longer than I am used to.
Emotional stress is what I feel in my body.
Ouch!
Walking helps.
The paperwork after the ordeal is daunting.
I hate paperwork.
I hate not knowing what I have financially that will allow me to stay here in my home.
I hate not knowing what medical bills are going to sock me even though we have it all taken care of.
I hate not knowing what shape my credit is in.
How does this affect my weight loss program?
In every way imaginable, and some I never thought about.
- One tough one is eating for one. Up until a year before my WLS, I had a houseful of people, kids, you name it. Cooking in quantity was easy. You just piled it together and cooked. You never had leftovers. Nothing went bad because it didn't last long enough.
When I tossed the kids out, I was able to continue to cook. I made healthier foods and was able to eat leftover myself. I shoveled it in overate because of stress and guilt about throwing it away.
Now, there is just me.
What do I do with a bunch of bananas? I eat as many as I can before they get too ripe. That's not so bad because I can buy fewer of them. Same thing with apples, or other fruit. I just have to go shopping more often.
Preparing beef, chicken and fish are a bit more tricky.
Veggies too.
Shopping and cooking is time consuming and I have so many other things I need to do. The workload isn't shared anymore. If there is something on the floor, I have to pick it up.
Now, there is just me.
What do I do with a bunch of bananas? I eat as many as I can before they get too ripe. That's not so bad because I can buy fewer of them. Same thing with apples, or other fruit. I just have to go shopping more often.
Preparing beef, chicken and fish are a bit more tricky.
Veggies too.
Shopping and cooking is time consuming and I have so many other things I need to do. The workload isn't shared anymore. If there is something on the floor, I have to pick it up.
- I used to look forward to eating out. Try doing that by yourself sometime. No fun anymore. You wait for the waitress, and then have to explain that you don't want anything to drink, even with the meal. Then, sitting at the table by yourself with no one to talk to while waiting for the meal is also no fun.
- I tried to force myself to go to the movies the other day. Couldn't do it.
- I have a goal to play my guitar, but right now, I am still in mourning. I just can't play. I am doing things in preparation for it, but I'm still not ready. I am not waiting for just the right time, as some have suggested. I am going to play again. I just need a bit more time.
- I can feel all of the things that kept me from getting to where I wanted to be by now in life. I can see them too. I haven't figured out how to get past certain things in order to do what I need, but... I'm working on it. 3 years ago, I was just getting ready to die.
- It's interesting to note that I've been taught by my Mom to not make waves. Waves cause problems, and I just shouldn't do things to cause problems. So, I just sort of go through life trying hard to not make waves. This caused problems too. Because I couldn't survive if it weren't for the waves. Yes, for the most part, I've been protected by not making waves, but, I also missed out on some things too. It's juts a matter of figuring out which waves to make in order to be able to swim and not drown.
I am right on the verge of breaking through now. It's been a long hard ride. I've done everything I know in order to keep things smooth. Now, it's time to let loose. I have been testing the waters and am finally feeling as if I can let go without losing myself.
I am working towards my future. But first, I have to mourn. I'm almost ready.....
