Short thoughts

• I noticed that the two blogs I have been reading, other than my own, have been idle for some time. I think that is for a number of reasons. This time of year, people slow down. It's the calm before the spring. Happens every year. Another is because they are having problems, or just don't have the time to write. They could be having a dry spell and don't have anything to say. I hope they start writing again soon.
• I do have another blog that I followed, but he seems to have dropped off the charts. He had other interests and I understand why he isn't writing his WLS blog. I have talked to him through email, so I know he is OK. I can't keep up with everyone, but I enjoy reading his stuff.
• I had an email a few years ago from a blogger who was having serious problems. This person only made two entries into their blog and then dropped off the charts. I hope they are OK, but I will probably never know.

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• I am making a slow transition to my Imac. I still have a long way to go and I feel really stupid that I can't figure things out. I won't give up, but I will take my time. I bought a hard drive back up unit called a Time Capsule, but haven't gotten it to work yet. I tried it a few times without success. Apple is not as easy to learn as they claim. I also got a touchpad and that is amazing. I wish I had one of these before. They make things so much easier on the hands and fingers.
• I ate my first home made stuffed peppers today. Very good!
  

Ground beef (very lean) with bacon crumbled, Spanish rice, tomatoes (diced from a can), seasonings and spices, Olive Oil. Traffic light bell peppers cut in half and cored. Baked after the beef mixture was fully cooked and stuffed.
I have enough left over to make two containers for the freezer. I can either use them to stuff more peppers, or just eat them as a meal. Eating them as stuffed allows me to control portions and get my veggies.

• I have been wanting to work on my music but keep running into mental reservations. It seems that I really don't want to play the old music. Everyone has heard the songs I sing hundreds, maybe thousands of times. I don't need to play them again. They don't make me feel better. I am tired of them. I wanted to do something of quality that was new. Something that would have new meaning to me and others. I just haven't been able to find that music within me. It seems I have been holding it in for so long, that I can no longer hope to get it out. So, I think I will put it away and use my music for other purposes. Those reasons are slowly becoming apparent to me. I hope to be able to play again sometime...
• I may have found a job that can fit me and replace my school bus driving without throwing away all of the years of experience. I am hoping it makes me enough money and allows me to take time off. It seems to me that taking time off is more important to me now than it was before. The job would start after the school year is over, so it would be a smooth transition for me. I am really hoping that the money is enough for me to keep my home, but I may just sell it anyway and move closer to the job just to start fresh.

I went for a checkup at the Gastro-Enterologist this week. This is the place that turned me onto the idea of gastric bypass surgery 3 years ago. They told me of the new doctor coming to town. They also were the ones who diagnosed my Celiac. I need to retake the Celiac test and get the standard Endoscopy/colonoscopy for maintenance. I opted to wait until school was out so I would have to take time off, but I may move up the date if I get the new job. There are some new developments, but I will write about them another time.

Transition and ramblings

I have been escaping into the world of Television series recently.
This started around Christmas when I was supposed to be doing other things. Since I don't drink (but would like to!), and don't have any other vices that I want to share here, HDTV series was a safe escape for me.

• "24" has 8 seasons. 7 of them are on Netflix on demand, so I was able to watch them straight through. They all have intros that I was able to skim through once I got the hang of it. I got to season 8 and had to order it on Blu Ray. It only have 6 episodes at a time, so I had to find something else to watch in the meantime.
• I found "Heroes". The entire thing is on Netflix, so I was able to follow it all the way through. It didn't really end, so they either ran out of ideas, or they will be back sometime on TV. Great show.
• I was able to get "24" on Blu Ray and I will watch that on the weekends until I run out. I still have two discs to go to finish it. So, in the mean time, I decided to see what the hoopla was about and spooled up "Battlestar Gallactica". I am into season 4.5 and I believe it will finish that soon. Another cerebral thriller and good entertainment! When this one is over, I will sample the original series to see the differences. I did watch a few of them when they first came out years ago, but wasn't impressed. It was more cartoonish than I liked.

I can understand addiction to food and alcohol now that I can't seem to turn away from these shows. I am hooked big time. I won't waste my time with sub-par series, and will go through withdrawal when I run out of good ones.
Over the years, there have been many TV shows that I was hooked on. I wish I had had a treadmill that would be quiet and comfortable enough so that I could walk and watch at the same time. I never would have gained weight, and would probably be able to walk to the moon without getting tired.

In the past few weeks, I've started to come back to the world.....very.....very.....slowly.
I am doing things to try to combat the demon that keeps me from doing things faster. It's like walking through mud. It isn't working too well, and it's draining my energy. It's not making me stronger.
I found out a little about myself, such as:

• I have a chip on my shoulder
• I have too many crutches to lean on
• I procrastinate, but I'll talk about that later
• I'm indecisive
• I'm shy and insecure
• I really don't have a clue. I am starting to have more questions than answers. Some people say that is a good thing. Is it?
  

So, the hell with all of those things. It's time for me to move on and see what I'm made of.

Today is the 1 year anniversary of an event in my life that I will never forget.
At 10:30am, I took my wife to the Oncologist. She had been having trouble adjusting to her cancer treatment. Just a few short days before, she had had her head shaved and was fitted for a wig. She was able to wear the wig only a few times. She had purchased several scarves, and was comfortable wearing them in public. Her co-workers treated her the same, which made things easier for her. It was a shock to me to see her this way, but I did my best to treat her the same too.

She had spent the previous few days sleeping all day on the couch. She only got up to go to the bathroom. She didn't eat that much. She spent her time watching old episodes of CSI in it's various forms and Law and Order. We didn't have HDTV back then, and Comcast on demand was very limited, so she was forced to watch whatever she could find.

Her Oncologist told her that from a cancer viewpoint, she would be able to live at least a few more years. But, the problem was not with her cancer. Her body just couldn't handle the treatment. She was run down and beat. There was no bouncing back.

Her mood up until this point was positive and upbeat. She was looking towards the future when she would be able to make some memories with the grand kids.

I had tried to get her outside to take short walks, but she just couldn't do it, and she refused to let me get her into a wheelchair so that we could go out together.

So, this morning at 10:30am one year ago, her Doctor told her that he wanted her to go to the hospital for some tests, and to see if they could help her.

I took her to the Hospital, and we got her settled into a room. I asked her if she wanted me to get her pajamas from home, and she said "no". She knew she would be spending a few days in the hospital at that point. This was a departure from her other trips to the hospital over the years and it shocked me to my core. I didn't know why at the time because I manage to hide my true feelings pretty well, even from myself.

Donna knew that she would never be coming home again. She was right.

This is why I have been wanting to escape. It's just so painful to think about. The things that I could have done to make her more comfortable. The things we never got say to each other. The places we wanted to go to. The things we wanted to do to the house. The times we wanted to spend with the grand kids. All these things flood back through me a year later.
From now until August 18th when I buried her, will be a rough time for me. I hope to be able to put it behind me next year and just remember the good times again, but it sure doesn't feel like that will happen.

The TV shows are interesting because they allow me to feel emotions again in the privacy of my own home. Battlestar has a lead character that has Breast cancer, and I am able to watch her and feel the pain and emotions I couldn't dare to feel before. There are other events in the shows that bring back memories that I need to experience, yet don't want to. This does help me to move on, and I am grateful for the time I need to heal.

Before I finish this post, which has nothing to do with weight loss, I wanted to mention that many of the actors in the shows I have been watching, are the same actors. It took me by surprise to see them playing different roles. I didn't recognize them at first. It's nice to know that they could find this much work with quality shows.

So, what am I going to do next?
Live!