So, what is it now?

Before I start, I wanted to say that I do re-read my stuff in order to edit it. I notice that I tend to write in sections. That is, not everything in this one post is related. I tend to say what I want, and then move on to something else. I have been using the blog to complain more than anything recently. Once I get that out of my system, I can talk about the more positive stuff. I usually write at night now, and am too physically tired to really do much else. I usually hit the sack right after I finish, although I think I would like to go out and get drunk rather than sleep right now! So, here are my additions for tonight:

I now understand the allure of the reclusive lifestyle.
However, if I continue this life of a recluse, I will soon learn what it is to live as a homeless man.
I'm not sure if I really want to experience that.

I've had a real urge to do nothing at all.

• I don't feel like exercising, for fun or any other reason.
• I don't feel like playing my guitar.
• I don't feel like working at a job I know I will hate.
• I don't want to go out and socialize.
• I don't want to see anyone at all.

I've been fighting this feeling for an unknown amount of time. It may have been days, months, years, I don't really know.
I also know that if I don't fight this without medication, I will never conquer it.
I think a lot of it is justified.
Some of it is my upbringing, and I've been fighting that since puberty, when I realized I was smarter than everyone else, including my parents! We all get that way when we hit puberty. It's not until later that we start to understand the reality of the situation.

I think a lot of my funk right now is the fact that my health isn't what it should be and I'm in a holding pattern with the doctor, dietitian, and medical center.

I hate waiting.

It shouldn't be too much longer.
Oh well, enough bitching.

This week, I called upon a young man who is local and asked him to help me out with some work around the house. I took him on a tour of the place, telling him what I've done and what needs to be done. He agreed to help me, and has been over a few times. I told him he could come over whenever I was home and help out, or he could just hang out and keep me company, which he has done. It gives him a chance to sit in the comfort of my central AC. He is taking online college courses, and it gives him a break from school work too. It's good to have someone over to the place. It helps me to not feel so guilty about not being able to get everything finished.

I am still making great progress, but of course, I want it to be finished NOW! :)

I started to listen to my LPs this week, and Ben brought all of them upstairs for me. I have about 200, and it saved me the trouble of running out of steam before the task was done. While he was doing that, I sorted through 3 storage bins, and re-organized my music equipment to make it easier to just walk into the room and play. I was originally going to move it all downstairs to the basement, but I just don't have the energy, so this is the next best thing.

I would like to transfer some of my albums to digital, but haven't gotten the time or energy yet. And, that's more of a hobby, than a necessity, so I'll hold off for now. My record player works just fine. I have been listening to Chicago, and started with album 1, and am up to 3 right now, in addition to other artists. I am going to sort out the albums that I know I won't listen to, and get rid of them soon. I have a bit of the hoarder in me when it comes to albums, but this will help me to break that pattern.

It's amazing, that the human mind can remember so much. I can glance at an album, and pretty much remember all the music on it. Some albums, I bought because friends suggested them. Some I got at a yard sale and haven't ever listened to them. I have some that I feel are a part of me, and helped me become the musician that I am today.

So, I probably know the lyrics to 12,000 songs. No wonder I can't think clearly.

I've found a few more songs that I want to learn for the stage, and have been picking up tips and tricks from various observations of other musicians who are earning a living playing guitar. That to me is the best part of starting this up. I feel better when a song is finished and I can call it mine. Performing is the best part of the process.

I'm hoping to start the process of changing over to the new medical practice next week, so things should get better for me.

I am glad that I have the energy and good enough health that I can complain about all these things. I'm just hoping I don't go crazy before I can enjoy my weight loss.

The end of suffering

That is what I am hoping for soon. I don't know what I'll do if I don't get off this descending ride soon.
I am taking steps to climb out, but the road is very slippery.

• This past week, I finally gave in and fasted, then went to an alternate site for blood work. I hope to hear something soon, although with the medical team switchover, who knows?
• I called a friend Thursday evening and told him to get his butt over here. I then put him in my car and we went to Marietta to hear an open blues night. I have been there before and the music varies from really good, to the opposite. I met up with fellow musicians I have known for several years. I decided I wanted to play, but really don't know any Blues songs. So, I borrowed a guitar anyway, and played "Summertime". It is from the musical "Porgy and Bess" and it's been sung by many artists over the years. I haven't heard it being played by others recently because it is so old. Anyway, I nailed it as always, although I'm not quite sure how well it went over. I did receive applause, and a compliment from a nice looking lady.

A side note here:
Most people have butterflies before a performance in front of a crowd, especially if they haven't played for awhile, or if they aren't prepared. I didn't feel anything. I knew I could play, and that's what I did. I have gotten those butterflies before, but I don't really feel anything much anymore.
I tried to play the guitar today, and just never got to it.
I have been totally isolated from the family this week, except for occasional texts from my daughter. We used to go to my sister's for the holiday cookout, but that either doesn't happen anymore, or she doesn't want to invite me.

• Last night, I went to hear a guitarist at the park. We have entertainment every month for the community, and it was fun (check out my FB page of look up East Petersburg Day on FB). I wanted to hear this guy because he is playing for a living. My critique of him here is not meant to be nasty. I am looking at his performance through a microscope so I can learn from it and grow. I know what to do, and watching others helps me to re-enforce my opinions.

He had trouble with his eye contact. I have this problem too. When I play, I am sharing the deepest part of myself through my music. It is sensitive to bare that part of my soul, and it shows up in my eyes. You will see many performers closing their eyes, or wearing dark glasses. This guy looked up to the ceiling a lot. I saw that as something I need to work on.
He also sang each song as if he was a slightly drunk lounge singer. Kind of reminded me of the parodies on Saturday Night Live.

• His guitar playing was excellent, although he sometimes overdid it. He had some real moments of genius with his guitar, but it was obvious he had played these songs many, many times, and was getting too complacent with them.

• Whenever you play for an audience, they are hearing your song for the first time. You may have heard it hundreds of times, but they are hearing you for the first time. You have to remember that and perform it as if you are doing it for the first time too. You have to be serious in your singing, and have to do your best. If you joke around, you will start to bore the crowd after awhile.

I learned a lot over the years, and things like this really stand out to me. I guess I should write a book about that too. I also know that I probably won't ever do that. I am full of useless little tips like this.

I spent way too many hours the past week watching TV. I have caught up with most of the old series, saw some really outrageous stuff, and gotten hooked on the final section of the soap opera known as the Casey Anthony trial. One of the worst Defense lawyers I've ever seen. I could do better than him, although the Anthony situation hasn't given him much to defend. They are pretty dysfunctional.

Today, I spoke with a fellow ADDer and much younger member of the community. I asked him to help me to finish some of the work around the house and he agreed. I don't know if he will be able to help, but I'm going to try to use him.
He is doing an online college course, and is doing well, but hasn't worked for over a year because of one problem. His appearance.
He has long hair, beard, various tattoos, and visible piercings. He also dresses in that style, which includes chains, long baggy pants. He is a nice guy and won't change his style for anyone. He is getting to the age where he will learn that is it easier to start looking like the rest of the world in order to get ahead.
I'll let you know how that works out.

My energy level is starting to get under control. I know now a little more about when the fatigue will come on, and can rest when I want. I still need the blood test results in order to get it under control. I'm hoping they have suggestions that fix this.

I want to finish what I started with the house, get back into a workout schedule, and start playing my guitar for money.