So, what is it now?

Before I start, I wanted to say that I do re-read my stuff in order to edit it. I notice that I tend to write in sections. That is, not everything in this one post is related. I tend to say what I want, and then move on to something else. I have been using the blog to complain more than anything recently. Once I get that out of my system, I can talk about the more positive stuff. I usually write at night now, and am too physically tired to really do much else. I usually hit the sack right after I finish, although I think I would like to go out and get drunk rather than sleep right now! So, here are my additions for tonight:

I now understand the allure of the reclusive lifestyle.
However, if I continue this life of a recluse, I will soon learn what it is to live as a homeless man.
I'm not sure if I really want to experience that.

I've had a real urge to do nothing at all.

• I don't feel like exercising, for fun or any other reason.
• I don't feel like playing my guitar.
• I don't feel like working at a job I know I will hate.
• I don't want to go out and socialize.
• I don't want to see anyone at all.

I've been fighting this feeling for an unknown amount of time. It may have been days, months, years, I don't really know.
I also know that if I don't fight this without medication, I will never conquer it.
I think a lot of it is justified.
Some of it is my upbringing, and I've been fighting that since puberty, when I realized I was smarter than everyone else, including my parents! We all get that way when we hit puberty. It's not until later that we start to understand the reality of the situation.

I think a lot of my funk right now is the fact that my health isn't what it should be and I'm in a holding pattern with the doctor, dietitian, and medical center.

I hate waiting.

It shouldn't be too much longer.
Oh well, enough bitching.

This week, I called upon a young man who is local and asked him to help me out with some work around the house. I took him on a tour of the place, telling him what I've done and what needs to be done. He agreed to help me, and has been over a few times. I told him he could come over whenever I was home and help out, or he could just hang out and keep me company, which he has done. It gives him a chance to sit in the comfort of my central AC. He is taking online college courses, and it gives him a break from school work too. It's good to have someone over to the place. It helps me to not feel so guilty about not being able to get everything finished.

I am still making great progress, but of course, I want it to be finished NOW! :)

I started to listen to my LPs this week, and Ben brought all of them upstairs for me. I have about 200, and it saved me the trouble of running out of steam before the task was done. While he was doing that, I sorted through 3 storage bins, and re-organized my music equipment to make it easier to just walk into the room and play. I was originally going to move it all downstairs to the basement, but I just don't have the energy, so this is the next best thing.

I would like to transfer some of my albums to digital, but haven't gotten the time or energy yet. And, that's more of a hobby, than a necessity, so I'll hold off for now. My record player works just fine. I have been listening to Chicago, and started with album 1, and am up to 3 right now, in addition to other artists. I am going to sort out the albums that I know I won't listen to, and get rid of them soon. I have a bit of the hoarder in me when it comes to albums, but this will help me to break that pattern.

It's amazing, that the human mind can remember so much. I can glance at an album, and pretty much remember all the music on it. Some albums, I bought because friends suggested them. Some I got at a yard sale and haven't ever listened to them. I have some that I feel are a part of me, and helped me become the musician that I am today.

So, I probably know the lyrics to 12,000 songs. No wonder I can't think clearly.

I've found a few more songs that I want to learn for the stage, and have been picking up tips and tricks from various observations of other musicians who are earning a living playing guitar. That to me is the best part of starting this up. I feel better when a song is finished and I can call it mine. Performing is the best part of the process.

I'm hoping to start the process of changing over to the new medical practice next week, so things should get better for me.

I am glad that I have the energy and good enough health that I can complain about all these things. I'm just hoping I don't go crazy before I can enjoy my weight loss.