209

That's what I weighed yesterday.
I was all the way down to 202 at one point, but haven't been able to beat the 200 mark yet.
I will.
If you read me on Facebook, or this blog, you know that my wife is in the final stages of Breast cancer. She will die from the side effects of the cancer, not the disease itself. Maybe it was mishandled, maybe not. I am not going to worry about it.
One of the side effects of the cancer is that it is affecting me.
I didn't think about her cancer before. I always thought that she would outlive me, so it never crossed my mind.
Now I visit her and see her going downhill and wondering if it will come to me to have to pull the plug, or if she will die peacefully in her sleep. I hope that they don't try to keep her alive. She has a living will, and I hope that's enough.
I feel the overwhelming sadness as a pain in my chest, or more like an emptiness. It gives me a headache. I clench my teeth.
Then, I want to reach for food. For something sweet that I'm not allowed to have.
My weight gain proves that I have reached for that comfort food every now and again.

It's a tough battle that I will be able to weather, but it sure isn't fun.
I want to curse and scream and sometimes I do. The house is solid, so no noise comes out. I scream sometimes when I'm alone in the car.

But, I am thinner, and alive. I am healthy, and not taking any medications. I think that that is the best part. No meds!
Any pill you take has side effects. Any pill you take has side effects!
Whether it is aspirin, or darvon. They all have them.
Statins made my joints ache so badly, that I felt as if I was dying.
Now, I can go up and down the stairs to the basement without holding on to the railing.
I have had episodes of low blood pressure. That is a feeling that I was going to pass out. I have to hold on for a moment and then the feeling goes away. It's usually right after I stand up too quickly. I didn't have to worry about that before because I couldn't stand up quickly.

I am looking forward to getting rid of the pain I feel inside. It's there all the time. Even when I sleep. I wake up around 2am every morning, and have to lay there and wonder if I am doing the right thing. At 2 in the morning, nothing seems like the right thing.
I was going to go see my wife yesterday, and I lay down to rest and woke up an hour and a half later. Then, I went to see her.
It's as if she is drawing her strength from me, and not leaving me with anything. I am worn out. But, I will survive, even without the piece of my heart that belongs to her.
So, all of this has hit me right after my bariatric surgery. Two years at the end of July!
I was prepared for the long hard climb after the surgery.
I wasn't prepared for this.
Let's see how I do....