It's my turn!

I have written "It's my turn" sometimes in anger.
Sometimes in frustration.
Sometimes as a threat, or more accurately, aggressively. I don't make many threats. I am a gentle person.
I've made the statement as a way of trying to convince myself that it's a fact.
I've said it so many times in the past two years, and every time I say it, it's for a different reason.
I want it to be true.
I have done without for so many years.
It seems that every time I get ahead, there was someone else who needed what I earned more than me.
Now, I am trying to live up to the statement "it's my turn".
I am trying to be worthy of myself. I am trying to not feel guilty for buying myself the good socks instead of the cheap ones.
I have bought a few things that I wanted rather than needed, and have felt guilty.
I've done things that I didn't get to do before, and have felt guilty.
I've said things that I wouldn't have said before, and I felt guilty.
I've been quiet when I would have spoken up before, and I've felt guilty.

I now find that I am not feeling as guilty as before.
I guess I am now coming to grips with life. There are choices to be made, and I am making them.
There are things that should be done, and I am doing them without feeling guilty.
There are things that I don't have the time or energy to do, and they are being let go, and I don't feel guilty.

I have been working on two different things:
Thing one
Amp design and build.
I have to say that it's a pleasure working with someone who's main goal isn't to destroy whatever I am trying to do.
I am making decisions, and we have an open discussion, where I am not wrong all the time.

Thing two:
I have been talking to others who are alone in their present life and are experiencing much of the same situations that I am. I am finding myself actually thinking about their situation and instead of telling them what to do, I am seeing things from their perspective. I am able to ask questions, or make a statement that will really help them to look at their problem from a different angle. I am not trying to tell them what to do, or telling them that they are wrong. I am allowing them to live their life and just reflecting back to them what they just told me so they can see the situation from a different angle. Maybe, that will help them.

My favorite counselor during my trials and tribulations with weight loss and the loss of my wife, has evolved. I am no longer able to see them because they are moving on with their life. That is a good thing for them, and I am hoping they are happy. It might even be a good thing for me since it's time for me to get back on the horse and go out and have contact with other people. It has been a long time since I socially interacted with anyone, other than through my DJ/MC work, that I of course feel a bit apprehensive.

I am still dealing with all the problems I had before, but am learning to go more with the flow.