What I will do

I have been so lonely for years now. I haven't been able to talk to my wife because of her illness and her strong dislike for me. I also don't fully trust her.
All that will come to an end soon. She is slipping away from this world.
Monday, the Doctor will tell her that things aren't working out and that she is going to be transferred to a long term care facility to live out her final days.
This has been a long time coming. I write about it in my private blog, not for public consumption, but for me to blow off steam and to organize my thoughts.

So now, it's up to just me. The tough thing here is that:

1. I have this voice going on in my head. I listen to it all the time. It is usually squelched by the activity of interacting with others, mainly my wife. But, for the past few months, I don't have that squelching. My friends have had their ears talked off. I will talk about anything in an effort to not feel that loneliness and to quiet the voice. The voice isn't telling me to go postal or anything. It is just telling me to indulge myself much more than I should. Moderation in everything. My voice tells me to eat something to feel better. I have to do that because there is nothing else to do. Therein lies one problem.
2. I have to remember everything because there is no one to help me remember. I forget things a lot because of just being me. I forget things because of the stress of watching my wife die. I have to double check things a lot, and I misplace things more than I did. I am not obsessive....yet.
   
3. I get stuck. This is a real problem. I get stuck. I had to force myself to leave the house twice this week, just to get out. Other wise, I would probably have stayed in and done nothing but eat. I am still eating healthy, but I am eating more than I should. I am also exercising less than I should.

So, the plan is to get unstuck. I have taken action to do this. I started seeing the therapist. This not only allows me to talk about my problems, it gives me a chance to talk to someone other than the kids on the bus, or the lady at the drive in window at the Dunkin Donuts. (still drinking decaf, although I long for the thrill of caffeine!).

I am researching music equipment for my future. Music was my life before I met my wife. I stopped for awhile when my Mom died, and was just starting back up when I met Donna. She thought music was supposed to be a hobby, and the purpose in life was to work at a job you didn't like until you died. She got her wish. I didn't.

Music will be my life again.

• I need to get a new set of speakers for my outfit. I sold the old set a few weeks ago in order to downsize. The old speakers weighed in at 56 pounds a piece. Believe me after an evening of playing music, 56 pounds is very heavy. Much heavier than when I came in. The new technology has allowed the same size speakers to weight at least 20 pounds less, and put out more sound.
• I ordered a USB turntable. This baby was on sale for a super low price. This is way under it's real value. It will allow me to transfer my old record albums over to the computer. There is now software that will eliminate the scratches from the records, and I have a large external hard drive that is mostly unused for storage. I only have about 200 albums, and will only transfer what I want, so when I am finished, I will probably sell the turntable (I still have a good analog turntable in storage if I want to listen) and make some of my investment back. I tend to keep things in pristine condition, so anything I sell will have great value to anyone who buys from me.
• I will be borrowing a set of powered speakers from my good friend to try out for next weekend to see if they are what I want or need. I always get the best bang for my buck because I am obsessed and possessed. I know what speakers I want, but these are cheaper and I want to see if they will do the job. They are good speakers, but maybe not for DJ work. I'll find out for sure.
• I am going to get a decent bag to carry my guitar. I have a hard shell case now, but it doesn't have any storage space. I thought it was a good deal, but I was wrong. I will sell it or trade it if I can.
• I need to stock up on strings for my guitar and I need to start playing enough to justify buying a dozen sets or so at a discount. String usually last for about 40 hours of playing, and if I do what I want, I will need to change sets every two weeks.
• I need to update cables for the system. I have everything set up for non powered speakers. The powered ones need different cables. It gets complicated. Believe me. This is part of the fun of the business.
  

I am starting to organize my thoughts and clearing out the physical clutter in the house.
Whenever I feel down, I just stop where I am in the house and start cleaning it out. My kitchen cabinets are loaded with junk that I don't or won't ever use. It's a blast to bag the stuff and give it away, or just throw it out.
I have to go out and start getting things to improve the house. I need simple inexpensive things such as gutter toppers so I won't have to climb up and clean them out every time it rains. I also need a simple baffle to slow the water down. I have copper flashing (is that what it's called?) that allows the water to flow right over the gutter. If I install baffles, this will channel the water into the gutters during a hard rain. It will block some of the debris, but I can clean that up easily.

I want to "read" up (pronounced "red") the house a bit. I need to paint, change the locks, patch some holes, clean the carpet, etc.
This week, I have a guy coming over to install a radon mitigation system. This will channel the radon out of the basement. I have always suspected there was radon. We tested when we first moved in and the numbers went off the scale. I never retested or did anything about it. All of my wife's family died from various forms of cancer, and I wonder if the radon didn't have anything to do with it. This will solve the problem. I don't have cancer right now, so I may be lucky. I hope my kids don't have it. I know we lost many of our pets to a form of cancer, so who knows.
Anyway, this will help with resale value also should I decide to or be forced to sell.
There are expensive things that need to be fixed also around the house. I have been trying to keep up with them over the years, but I got behind a bit.

• I need to get a garden faucet installed. I actually would like two of them. One for the driveway, and the other for the back yard.
• I need to do something with the porch. It had very nice screen panels, but they have long since disintegrated. This turns the porch into a breezeway. A lot of wind goes through, like a wind tunnel. It gets strong there.
• I need a new walkway, and a new driveway. The macadam is cracked all the way up, and pieces are missing. The walkway is sunken so it's tough to get into the house because it's so low.
• The bathroom and kitchen are both original. The old pink tiles are worn out and need to be replaced. The appliance are good, but I would like to add a dishwasher and a decent work area so I can cook more. I can live with what I have for now.
• Landscaping. My son started the work and left it in the middle. I need to get it finished. I can do some of it, but there are things I will have to ask for help.
  
• I have this amazingly beautiful king size water bed. It was handmade just for us, but it is way too big for the bedroom. I need to downsize to a queen. I no longer have the water bed mattress. I have a California king mattress that is worn out. Too many sunken spots from years of wear. It wasn't supposed to last this long. I want to replace it with an adjustable airbed. Lofty dreams!

I figure all of this will take a few years and cost at least $5000.00. I will save money by shopping around, and doing most of it myself. Oh, did I mention tools and fixing the garage door?
I could go on and on, but for now, it's time to stop writing and start doing something.