In the quest to improve myself, I have given up many things in order to replace them with other things.
- I changed my eating habits, but the old demons are still there. I have a weapon. It's a combination of the surgery and nutritional knowledge. I have a support team that I have abandoned for now, but will go back to them if I can't conquer the demons one more time on my own.
- I changed my lifestyle. I am more active than I've been in years. This is not perfect, either. It is a constant struggle.
- I changed my mental attitude. Again, the demons are constantly attacking me. Sometimes, they are covert, so it's tough to see them coming.
I look at the demons as being real. This helps me to cope. I need an enemy to fight, even if it's the old me and not a real tangible person, place, or thing (I should have just said "noun").
I have a voice that is talking to me all the time. Sometimes, we agree, sometimes not. Regardless, it's always there, jabbering away. It told me to write this blog instead of working on my bass playing. It told me to make some calls for the same reason.
I am getting things done. There is a lot to do, especially when no one else is helping. I am alone.
This world is set up so that everyone is busy, and no one has time to help each other. We are all online, on TV, or doing something else.
I haven't really asked anyone to help. I feel that it's my turn to do this on my own. So, I shouldn't complain that I am not moving as fast as I would like.
I wanted to talk about this next thing for a few days. I haven't had time because I was distracting the demons so I could do some thing to get back on track. They caught up with me, so here I am talking about it.
The Weather
It's damn cold outside. Many people hide inside where it's warm and they miss out on the beauty of winter. But, they also stay warm, so I can't blame them.
I am much more active and happy when I am outside, but just like them (you know? THEM!) I like to be warm too.
I bought all these polartec clothes for walking outside and I still spent hours and days hiding inside. I have walked a few times and as long as the wind isn't blowing, it's not bad.
Now, I have been walking mostly at night because it's dark and I like to be alone with my thoughts. Also, in this area, the wind dies down after sunset, I don't know why.
But, my counselor tells me that I am suffering from depression and need to get some vitamin D.
Damn, it's cold. It's 11:00am and 10 degrees. I just got back from my walk in the bright sunshine. I worked up a sweat and covered maybe 2 miles. I didn't measure it, but I kept walking until I was ready to head home. I had my polartec long johns and shirt on. I was wearing my goose down coat and a pair of old gloves. My fingers got cold so I curled them up into the top and abandoned the fingers. I also had a knit cap on. I have a rabbit fur mad bomber's hat, but I keep that for the windy days. I wanted to expose as much of my head and face as I could to the sun because I can't imagine it penetrating the coat and underwear, as well as my jeans and T shirt.
I did a walk yesterday too. I felt fairly comfortable, but would still rather walk with lots less clothing on in a warmer place.
The next few days will be cloudy and I don't know if that makes a difference in the amount of exposure I need in order to get un-depressed.
There is a theory about humans that has been discussed for years and years. I don't know who is right, but I think they are on the right track.
It talks about the difference between Hunters and Farmers.
This theory made me think about the human being as an animal.
Many animals have different patterns depending on the season. The most familiar of these patterns is about bears. The bear hibernates during the winter. The rest of the time is spent gorging themselves with food in order to store fat for their long nap every year.
You would think that with all that fur, the bear would be able to party all winter without getting cold.
So, what do human animals do?
Why do we gain weight every winter?
Do we hibernate?
Does our metabolism change with the seasons?
How do humans who always live in warm climates adapt? How do the ones in the cold climates adapt?
The first winter after my surgery, I lost weight and exercised like crazy. I was able to shovel snow and still do other things after I was done.
Last winter, my wife got very sick from her chemotherapy, and I crashed emotionally. I maintained my weight, but stopped doing things that I should in order to continue my weight loss. I didn't gain weight, but I didn't lose weight either.
As this year went on, I didn't go out, even in the warm weather. I stayed inside, either with her at the medical facility, or stayed inside at home. I ate more than I should from the stress (those demons!), and comforted myself with more chocolate than I should.
After she died, and to this day, I am mourning. I am not doing a strict diet, and I am spending way too much time in front of the TV.
My time has been consumed so that 2010 was a bust for me. I can throw it away as far as my plan to lose weight or get into shape.
I am now getting to the point now where I am fighting the demons with renewed energy, and I am hoping they don't have too strong a hold on me. They will let go soon, and go back to being manageable.
I hope.
I wonder what will happen next?
I have a voice that is talking to me all the time. Sometimes, we agree, sometimes not. Regardless, it's always there, jabbering away. It told me to write this blog instead of working on my bass playing. It told me to make some calls for the same reason.
I am getting things done. There is a lot to do, especially when no one else is helping. I am alone.
This world is set up so that everyone is busy, and no one has time to help each other. We are all online, on TV, or doing something else.
I haven't really asked anyone to help. I feel that it's my turn to do this on my own. So, I shouldn't complain that I am not moving as fast as I would like.
I wanted to talk about this next thing for a few days. I haven't had time because I was distracting the demons so I could do some thing to get back on track. They caught up with me, so here I am talking about it.
The Weather
It's damn cold outside. Many people hide inside where it's warm and they miss out on the beauty of winter. But, they also stay warm, so I can't blame them.
I am much more active and happy when I am outside, but just like them (you know? THEM!) I like to be warm too.
I bought all these polartec clothes for walking outside and I still spent hours and days hiding inside. I have walked a few times and as long as the wind isn't blowing, it's not bad.
Now, I have been walking mostly at night because it's dark and I like to be alone with my thoughts. Also, in this area, the wind dies down after sunset, I don't know why.
But, my counselor tells me that I am suffering from depression and need to get some vitamin D.
Damn, it's cold. It's 11:00am and 10 degrees. I just got back from my walk in the bright sunshine. I worked up a sweat and covered maybe 2 miles. I didn't measure it, but I kept walking until I was ready to head home. I had my polartec long johns and shirt on. I was wearing my goose down coat and a pair of old gloves. My fingers got cold so I curled them up into the top and abandoned the fingers. I also had a knit cap on. I have a rabbit fur mad bomber's hat, but I keep that for the windy days. I wanted to expose as much of my head and face as I could to the sun because I can't imagine it penetrating the coat and underwear, as well as my jeans and T shirt.
I did a walk yesterday too. I felt fairly comfortable, but would still rather walk with lots less clothing on in a warmer place.
The next few days will be cloudy and I don't know if that makes a difference in the amount of exposure I need in order to get un-depressed.
There is a theory about humans that has been discussed for years and years. I don't know who is right, but I think they are on the right track.
It talks about the difference between Hunters and Farmers.
This theory made me think about the human being as an animal.
Many animals have different patterns depending on the season. The most familiar of these patterns is about bears. The bear hibernates during the winter. The rest of the time is spent gorging themselves with food in order to store fat for their long nap every year.
You would think that with all that fur, the bear would be able to party all winter without getting cold.
So, what do human animals do?
Why do we gain weight every winter?
Do we hibernate?
Does our metabolism change with the seasons?
How do humans who always live in warm climates adapt? How do the ones in the cold climates adapt?
The first winter after my surgery, I lost weight and exercised like crazy. I was able to shovel snow and still do other things after I was done.
Last winter, my wife got very sick from her chemotherapy, and I crashed emotionally. I maintained my weight, but stopped doing things that I should in order to continue my weight loss. I didn't gain weight, but I didn't lose weight either.
As this year went on, I didn't go out, even in the warm weather. I stayed inside, either with her at the medical facility, or stayed inside at home. I ate more than I should from the stress (those demons!), and comforted myself with more chocolate than I should.
After she died, and to this day, I am mourning. I am not doing a strict diet, and I am spending way too much time in front of the TV.
My time has been consumed so that 2010 was a bust for me. I can throw it away as far as my plan to lose weight or get into shape.
I am now getting to the point now where I am fighting the demons with renewed energy, and I am hoping they don't have too strong a hold on me. They will let go soon, and go back to being manageable.
I hope.
I wonder what will happen next?
1 comment:
you and me both, Lee! I wish we lived closer. We could be a great support team for one another. My husband is a great guy, but he just doesn't understand although he is a great fitness buddy. Probably you need that. I wish I could help. Hang in there. The weather will get warmer. In the meantime, damn it's COLD!!!
Post a Comment