I got a positive cryptic message from our oriental friends along with the typical "come on" to go to a spam/junk website. At least they are trying.
I have been starkly honest on this blog. I have written things I maybe shouldn't have written. Maybe, it wasn't politically correct. Maybe, it offended some.
Tough Shit!
If you don't like what I write, don't read it!
This blog and it's concepts have been so cathartic, and beneficial to me. I have enjoyed writing it. I have experienced emotions that I had kept inside for years, just because of this blog. It's good to get rid of some of them.
I opened my soul here, and I felt something.
-------
My wife is dying. She is getting ready to give in, not give up.
There is a difference.
Her way, as long as I've known her, is to keep on going and not make a decision until there is not other choice.
I don't like that, but, her lack of choice, is her choice.
She is now to the point where she can't breathe freely anymore. Her body is failing her to the point where the pain meds aren't working.
Does this sound like you?
Do you keep going until there is no choice left?
Or, do you give up too easily?
I believe that there is a place in between those two extremes where everyone should be. My wife is all the way over to the one side. She is not making wise decisions. She isn't making any decisions. In all the time I've known her, she has always been like this.
She can't get rid of anything. She has to keep everything because she believes she might need that something, or she might be able to reuse it, or repair it.
As a result, I am cleaning the house for exercise, and wow, what an exercise it is.
Now, it's too late for her to change, and I never expect her to change.
That's OK.
I still love her. I always will. Just because she does things I think are wrong, doesn't change the way I feel. I have no idea why, and I will not analyze that, no matter what. I won't question love. It's too rare to question and take a chance on losing it.
That's my fault.
So, obsessive behavior is good, in moderation. You can go overboard with some things, and you will pay for them, but, it's OK.
I don't think I'm making any sense here today. I'm just writing and free thinking to get my head clear enough to be able to function for another day.
I am pretty upset by the situation, so I need to vent in any way I can short of going postal, which I don't think I would do. (unless they outlawed conservatism!)
The past few weeks, I've been getting up at 2am and going back to bed around 6am. I have these moments of insanity around 2am. If I happen to wake up to go to the bathroom, my brain is in a defrag mode at that time and is handling all the crazy stuff at that time. So, I can't get back to sleep and I go into overtime.
As a result, I am tired, and run down. I'm positive that once my wife dies, I will grieve, then recharge and start over. Then, I will start to sleep more normally.
But, when I have a conversations with my wife like the ones I've been having, my sleep and other patterns will not work very well.
I am lucky that I don't have to work over the summer. I wouldn't want to be dealing with the kids or traffic now.
------
I gained 7 pounds since my last weigh in back in January. I expected that. I will lose that weight and much more when I start over in a few weeks.
My other numbers are all good, with minor problems which will also be corrected.
For the first time in my life, I feel like I will be able to conquer the weight loss problem for the second time because of my surgery. The team has offered to help me and I am accepting, after my wife dies.
I have plans for the future that I believe I can achieve, again for the first time in my life.
Unless something unforeseen happens that I have no control over, you will see a whole new me next year.
In the meantime, I feel like a senile old man, and there is a sadness that is threatening to consume me. I will embrace that feeling, and throw it away when it's over.
I won't hold onto it, because I will have no use for it, when it's over.
Stand back, I take big steps!
I have been starkly honest on this blog. I have written things I maybe shouldn't have written. Maybe, it wasn't politically correct. Maybe, it offended some.
Tough Shit!
If you don't like what I write, don't read it!
This blog and it's concepts have been so cathartic, and beneficial to me. I have enjoyed writing it. I have experienced emotions that I had kept inside for years, just because of this blog. It's good to get rid of some of them.
I opened my soul here, and I felt something.
-------
My wife is dying. She is getting ready to give in, not give up.
There is a difference.
Her way, as long as I've known her, is to keep on going and not make a decision until there is not other choice.
I don't like that, but, her lack of choice, is her choice.
She is now to the point where she can't breathe freely anymore. Her body is failing her to the point where the pain meds aren't working.
Does this sound like you?
Do you keep going until there is no choice left?
Or, do you give up too easily?
I believe that there is a place in between those two extremes where everyone should be. My wife is all the way over to the one side. She is not making wise decisions. She isn't making any decisions. In all the time I've known her, she has always been like this.
She can't get rid of anything. She has to keep everything because she believes she might need that something, or she might be able to reuse it, or repair it.
As a result, I am cleaning the house for exercise, and wow, what an exercise it is.
Now, it's too late for her to change, and I never expect her to change.
That's OK.
I still love her. I always will. Just because she does things I think are wrong, doesn't change the way I feel. I have no idea why, and I will not analyze that, no matter what. I won't question love. It's too rare to question and take a chance on losing it.
That's my fault.
So, obsessive behavior is good, in moderation. You can go overboard with some things, and you will pay for them, but, it's OK.
I don't think I'm making any sense here today. I'm just writing and free thinking to get my head clear enough to be able to function for another day.
I am pretty upset by the situation, so I need to vent in any way I can short of going postal, which I don't think I would do. (unless they outlawed conservatism!)
The past few weeks, I've been getting up at 2am and going back to bed around 6am. I have these moments of insanity around 2am. If I happen to wake up to go to the bathroom, my brain is in a defrag mode at that time and is handling all the crazy stuff at that time. So, I can't get back to sleep and I go into overtime.
As a result, I am tired, and run down. I'm positive that once my wife dies, I will grieve, then recharge and start over. Then, I will start to sleep more normally.
But, when I have a conversations with my wife like the ones I've been having, my sleep and other patterns will not work very well.
I am lucky that I don't have to work over the summer. I wouldn't want to be dealing with the kids or traffic now.
------
I gained 7 pounds since my last weigh in back in January. I expected that. I will lose that weight and much more when I start over in a few weeks.
My other numbers are all good, with minor problems which will also be corrected.
For the first time in my life, I feel like I will be able to conquer the weight loss problem for the second time because of my surgery. The team has offered to help me and I am accepting, after my wife dies.
I have plans for the future that I believe I can achieve, again for the first time in my life.
Unless something unforeseen happens that I have no control over, you will see a whole new me next year.
In the meantime, I feel like a senile old man, and there is a sadness that is threatening to consume me. I will embrace that feeling, and throw it away when it's over.
I won't hold onto it, because I will have no use for it, when it's over.
Stand back, I take big steps!
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