June 22, 1976

Tomorrow is our 35Th wedding anniversary.
I will not celebrate it. I don't know what I'll feel. I suppose it will just be another day.
I am still grieving my wife's death last year, but things have improved a little since then.
Life has been going up and down as it always is, but I feel the downs much more than I did when Donna was alive. No one there to share the downs with. No one to share the ups either.

• I gained back some weight and am concerned about it, but it's not as bad as before. I know that I can knock the weight off by regulating my food intake and exercising more. I am still drifting a bit and need to put my feet down and start walking again. I am stress eating and it's not easy to stop doing that.
  
• I feel like I'm in a brain fog and need to talk to someone medical about it. I may not wait until my doctor starts his practice in July. I need to fix the problem now. I believe I will make the switch over to the Osteopath soon.
  
• I worked on about 15 songs yesterday. I found out that my fingers hurt too much to play the Martin acoustic, so I'm going to start playing my electric guitar to do chords.

Some of the things I miss:

• Donna and I used to take long droves because she didn't have the energy to walk or do anything. So, the drives were good times for both of us. I got fat, but I got to spend time with her, just her, and we didn't have to fight about life. We could just take a drive.
  

She liked to see if there was anything new on the drives we took. You see, we went to the same places, following the same routes. We would get into the car, and the choices were simple:
Short drive, or long one.
North, South, East, or West.
I made her decide every time. If I didn't and went the way I wanted to go, she would complain and I hated to hear that.
We took the same basic route every time, no matter which way we went.
If we went North and long, we went up to see Centralia, then all the way to Shamokin Dam, and came back by way of the river. There was a Burger King we always stopped just above Centralia where we would take our bathroom break, and sometimes get something to eat. There was also a Cracker Barrel that she liked.
North and short went to Mt. Gretna where we might take a short walk on the trail.
South was to Lock 12 in York County by way of the Susquehanna River's River Road and back up the same way unless she wanted to go through York.
East was actually more North, but we would go to Middle Creek. West was towards Gettysburg.

I took one of those drives a few months ago. I never had a GPS before, so I was amazed when the thing showed me a different way from Centrailia to Shamokin Dam. It was so beautiful, going through the mountains, along streams, and past small towns and villages. I had to pull over a few times because I couldn't see...something in my eyes. I wished Donna could have seen it. She would have loved it.

I took similar routes all the time because it seemed tough for Donna to accept change. I sometimes would take a turn to go off the trail, but would always retrace my steps so she would be OK. We would talk about places we wanted to go, but never got there because of finances, so our drives were our vacations. They were cheap and it was what we could do.

Unfortunately, I am now stuck in that same pattern. I can't wait to get back to the safety and comfort of my home. I have trouble deviating from my path and staying out longer than I should. I picked this up from Donna, and really would like to get rid of it. I feel trapped. I will find my way out, count on that.

I remember when we got home, no matter when, Donna would get something to drink, usually tea, and then sit on the couch and watch TV or read the paper. I still have her blanket that she would drape over her, even in the hottest part of summer.

We didn't talk as the years went on. She disagreed with me about almost everything, and the pain of being wrong stopped me from standing up for myself, so I coped by keeping things light, and stayed away from touchy subjects.

Donna fell in love with me for my idealistic ways. I had lots of energy back then, and was always doing something exciting. If I had followed through with my training, I might have been a Doctor, or emergency room nurse, who knows? All I really wanted to do was sing and play guitar. What I ended up doing doesn't pay the bills, but I got to spend time with our kids. I saw them grow up, and I treasure that.

Donna valued money. It was her way of measuring achievement. Since I didn't make a lot of money, she looked upon that as a failure. I didn't see it that way.
My kids were the most important part of my life. But, I always assumed that Donna would be there to support me when I screwed up, even if she thought badly of me.
Now, I don't know the difference between doing well, and screwing up. I am lost for now. I have nothing to work for. I always worked for someone else. I didn't matter that much.

I could use a guardian angel right about now. I need a hand up, not a hand out. I am searching for answers and reasons to keep on going along this path.

No, this isn't suicidal by any means. I am referring to the difference between a free style life, and a more organized life.

In other words, should I follow the straight and narrow path and get a "real" job, or should I take a chance and leave the "normal" lifestyle and pursue my dream?

So, in addition to these small quandaries, I have to decide how I will deal with people. I also have to decide whether to sell the house, or keep it. I have emptied it out for the most part, but still have a long way to go.

I have been writing this blog for:

• I started out being so excited for my new life, that I wanted everyone to feel as good as me. So, I wrote it to brag and hope that others felt the same way. If they didn't, I hoped they could.
• As time went on, I began to tire of trying to convince others that I knew what I was doing, and started using the blog to complain or express my thoughts so that someone might consider me as something special. I wanted to be someone who really knew what they were doing.
• Now, I am grieving and using it for the most part to vent and get rid of the stress of my present situation. It's an outlet, although not a perfect one. I still would like to spend time talking and listening in person. And, I wouldn't mind a bit of one on one conversation.

The voice in my head keeps interrupting me, so I don't always think clearly. When I write it down, sometimes, the voice is silenced, allowing me to get my thoughts organized. Thank God for spell check, and the ability to cut and paste.

So today, as I drink my second cup of French Press coffee, I need to:

• Finish working on my songs.
• Build my new BBQ grill. I bought it because it was under $100 and I miss being able to make a real steak with veggies on the grill. I also make killer chicken. I do have to go out and buy a new propane tank since I gave the old one away last year.
• Empty off the porch, sweep and clean it.
• Clean out the bedroom. Too many boxes need to be organized and stored. All over the house, not just the bedroom.
  
• Call the new doctors and get that process started to switch over my records.
  
• Call Comcast to see if I can get them to help me set up my network. (I may just call a friend and pay him to do the work).
• Scrub the kitchen floor. It really needs to be cleaned. Donna used to do this until about two years ago. Then, I had my future daughter in law to do it. I would pay her. It was just one of those jobs I couldn't do.

I have accomplished so much. The problem is, can I live in a dirty house while I follow my dream of playing and singing again.
This is one long post. I have one more thing to say, and then I'll start working on my list and a dozen other things I didn't include, like working on the yard.

On more thing:
When I got married, it was with the understanding that we would work together to make things work. I didn't know anything about marriage, only that it meant that there was actually someone who loved me enough to stick with me no matter how screwed up I was.
There was the understanding that we would both work together to get all the things finished that needed to be done. We would give up what we had to in order to make sure our partnership survived.
We always argued with the understanding that no matter what, we would never leave each other. That was the one thing that kept me sane.
All of the jobs in the house that needed to be done, were shared. If she was home, she did it, If I was home I did it. We sometimes did more than we had to just so the other person could have a break.
As the years went on, I did more and more at home because I could see that Donna couldn't do it. I did things that I could do to make things easier for her, but there were many times that I just couldn't do it anymore and needed a break. Many times, I didn't get that break. That was mostly towards the end, and I didn't always understand why she didn't help. I feel badly about that because I didn't see the obvious many times. That hurts me, but I also know that I did what I could. The pain is overwhelming sometimes.

Now, there is no one to do anything but me. I remember seeing bachelor pads that were dirty and sloppy. I would rather live in a clean house, but I don't think that is an option if I want to get anything finished that matters in the real world.

• One of my options is to hire a maid which I can't afford, but may do just to catch up.
• Another one is to store stuff that I don't use in the basement and close off the parts of the house I don't use in order to make my chores as simple as possible. I like the idea of having all the room I have now. The house is OK, and I've been here a long time. There are variations on this that I will work on.
  
• Sell the house, pay off my few debts, and move into an apartment or part of a house. While this will save me money in the long run, it will probably cause more problems that I don't want to deal with.

So, I think I will stay here, and face my troubles head on, as I have been doing.

Alone

Happy anniversary, Donna. I love you and miss you.

Life is good!