Another year older, and deeper in debt....

Thanks Larraine! I have that song rolling through my head tonight, over and over! :)
Sunday marks the one year point when I lost my wife. It is not the only time along this crazy path that I remember.

• I knew she was sick long before she told me, but this time I stayed quiet because I really thought she would pull through at first. I guess I should go back even further and tell you that I was able to tell Donna that she was pregnant both times before she even knew it. I've been in tune with her for a long time, even when we had our troubles. So, this time, I knew she was sick. When she told me, it hit me that this was the last time, and that she wouldn't recover. I told her that night that I would stick with her to the end and that we needed to talk about her wishes, which we never really did. I don't remember the exact date, but it was long before she went into the hospital. So, her entry date of February 8, 2010, was about 6 months after I knew she was sick.
  
• I tried to get her to go to the doctor sooner, in fact I was trying to get her to go for almost a year before she finally went. I suffered as silently as I could over the years, knowing things I couldn't talk about. I believe my silence helped to cause my overeating problems. The stress had to come out somehow.
• So, my wife was sick for almost a year before she went into the hospital. She had a really rough time, but the hospital decided they couldn't do anything for her, and signed her out, but not before arranging for her to go to a "specialty hospital" In York.
• That hospital was terrible for her and anyone who visited her. It was always noisy, and the coverage was lousy. She would ring for assistance and wait for hours. Instead of getting better, which was the goal, she got worse. They finally told her there was nothing they could do, and she was shipped off to Harrisburg to a nursing home.
  
• This was a blessing in disguise because no matter how my wife treated the staff, they returned with love and caring. They were so patient and understanding with me also.

I swear, I lost a few years of my life during this time. Donna went into the hospital in February, celebrated her final birthday at age 57, our 34th anniversary, and died August 14, 2010. She made a few requests which we followed, but left so many unanswered questions.
In the Jewish tradition, people are supposed to mourn for a year, and then unveil the grave stone marker and move on with their lives. I know I am not being exact in my description. If you want to know more, look it up. I am not Jewish anymore, and she was never a practicing Methodist Christian while we were together. I don't really know the rituals for her version of religion, so I am going with what I know.
I will say a prayer at her grave this Sunday, and then consider my obligations to be finished and move on. That doesn't mean I won't miss her. This doesn't mean I won't think about her. But, I will no longer feel obligated to her. I will no longer be married to her.

"Till death us do part".

I have considered doing something symbolic, but don't see a need.

In the meantime, I have to paint the porch walls and then I will be finished with what I am going to do to the house. I may tinker with things if I get bored, but I won't be spending large amounts of money. This is significant to this post because I have taken a whole year to purge the house of all the clutter that has accumulated in 34 years of marriage. I guess you could consider this symbolic for me. The amazing thing is that I have finished this major work on schedule.

Next week, I will begin my musical career instead of working on the house. I will begin to live again. I am going to travel into new territory. I've never been there before.
All by myself.