The end of summer always depresses me. I guess it's because I always hated going back to school.
When I was a bicycle riding kid, we used to explore by ourselves new and exciting places. I covered miles and miles riding. Everyday, we would map out a new place to go and then head out for a nice long ride. It was my first taste of freedom.
Levittown, PA. was a safe place for bike riding because traffic was usually limited to the main roads, and there were always low traffic areas to go. The people who drove through the various sections lived there, so there were few cars to deal with. To cross a main road, there were places you could go where traffic was limited also, and easy to navigate.
There were parks, canals, and quarry lakes too.
Hills were also fun for us back then when we had much more energy. There was one hill in a section called "Magnolia Hill" that we measured with our bicycle speedometers (odometers). It was just about 3/4 of a mile long. We would trudge up the hill to the top. Then, we would turn our bikes facing down (it was a gradual grade) and glide, not pedal all the way to the bottom. We would time ourselves and check to see how fast we were going at the bottom. We spent many weeks doing that.
The great thing about Levittown, was that we had public swimming pools close by. We would get up in the summer mornings, and take our long rides, come home for lunch, then head over to the pool to spend the afternoons. They opened at noon, and closed to the general public (teens under 12, I think) around 6pm. It was "adult" swimming after that. It was a rite of passage for us to be old enough to swim after 6pm.
So, it didn't matter how much I ate back then. I was burning calories like there was no tomorrow.
Meat and potatoes, no junk food, and lots of sweet sugared iced tea!
My Mom probably loved the fact that it was safe to let us go exploring and then swim all afternoon. It gave her time to herself at home and she knew we were OK.
Going back to school meant not being able to ride as often, or swim anymore. Our physical activity became limited and we were forced to sit still for long periods of time. Phys Ed was generally boring, and intimidating, particularly if you were uncoordinated. I always hated team sports, and failed miserably at them. The school always smelled funny, and was too hot or too cold. I grew to enjoy the outdoors.
So, these same emotions followed me through adulthood. I still hate having to sit still for too long. Working doesn't allow me to be outside and moving. Little or no exercise due to the fact that I have to "earn" a living doing things I don't like doing. I haven't been able to break that pattern, but I have found way to compensate, most of which have been fattening.
What happens when you put a dumb animal between two piles of their favorite food? They starve to death trying to figure out which pile of food to eat first.
This is not what has happened to me, but I still feel like a dumb animal.
I have been confronted with "opposites", rather than two piles of my favorite food.
Whenever I start to feel good, I am bombarded with a series of negatives that prevent me from moving forward.
The statement "I am afraid of failure, and I am afraid of success" explains how I feel. Both halves of this phrase freezes me in my tracks.
I haven't found the solution to this problem. How do I overcome fear of success and failure?
In the meantime, I am succeeding far more than I ever thought I would. Yet, I feel like crap anyway. This has always happened to me, yet I am still here. I plan to be here until I'm finished with whatever I'm supposed to be accomplishing. I sometime envy those who know why they are here, and can move forward without delay. Me? I get stuck.
With my wife gone, I sometimes feel like it's all a waste of time. I do things, but there is no one but me to see them completed. There's something missing from my life, and until I find that again, I will continue to have those feelings of emptiness.
Future shock occurs for me in so many ways. Technology has advanced so quickly, that it's hard to keep up. I was taught to take care of things to make them last a long time. Yet, even if I take care of my computer, HDTV, or automobile, they will become obsolete in a very short time.
I have old friends who have failed to embrace the beauty of technology, and I wonder if I could ever let it go and disconnect and still be happy.
- It is so nice having a thought and being able to look it up online and find out about it right away.
- Being in contact with people all over the world and never having to leave my home area to communicate is amazing.
If I were to buy a bicycle, and ride all summer instead of working, cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the house, I could recapture some of the good feelings of my youth. I would also probably get run over, die from living in a dirty house, or end up on the street with nothing but a bicycle.
One last thing, and then it's back to finishing up the painting:
My guitar provided me with great pleasure back when I earned my living playing it. I was 11 when I started, and it was everything to me back then. I had stopped riding my bicycle by then, and it replaced the high I got from riding nicely.
I have tried to get that passion back many times. Most recently has been been in the past year. But, I haven't found it yet and wonder if I should just let it go. I feel as if I have something to contribute to the world and music is one way to express it.
I pick up the most beautiful guitars I have ever owned, plug them into awesome amplifiers, and just can't find the inspiration to play them more than a few minutes at a time. They feel good in my hands, but the true feeling isn't there. Music is pure emotion, and I've been suppressing emotions for so long that I wonder if I will ever get them back.
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