Dream building

This was one of those terms from high pressure sales training. The idea was to drive around, or look through magazines, or watch TV, etc. and find the things that you thought you couldn't afford, but wanted.

A big fancy house, a new car, toys, jewelry. Whatever would motivate you to ignore all of the pitfalls of selling, and concentrate on buying something that was supposed to make you happy.

Then, you would find a picture of your "dream" car or house, and post it somewhere that you could see it anytime you wanted.

In other words, dream building was doing what you had to do in order to make your dreams come true.

The problem I found with using this type of motivation, was that I was not motivated by greed.

Even if I had the money to buy a Mercedes Benz, I wouldn't buy it. 

Now, I found out that there were some things I wanted, and I've already gotten most of them. But, I've never gotten to do the things I really wanted to do. So, I'm going to list some of those things here and see what happens:

In no particular order.

1. I want to learn how to fly, and actually continue to fly after I finish learning how.
2. I want to play my guitar again, and work with some great musicians again.
3. I want to write some songs. I want to record those songs and I want people to listen to them and like them.
4. I want to be able to buy and play a Hammond Organ with Leslie speaker. I would love to play in a club somewhere.
5. I want to finish my amplifier project. Currently, it is on hold until my friend gets settled into his new apartment.
6. I want to see Israel.
7. I want to be able to take the time and have the money to drive across the United States. Then, I want to be able to drive through Mexico and Canada.
8. I want to see Hawaii, and maybe live there for a little while.
9. I want to design something that everyone finds useful.
10. I want to either write myself or have ghostwritten for me, my books. I have several ideas and would like them to become a reality.

These things for the most part, are selfish things. I didn't add anything that I wanted for my kids or grand kids, and those things will remain in my head and not here on a public blog.

My basement work is finished for now. I will not go down there to work, except to finish a few loose ends.

My next projects are to iron and smooth out the curtains upstairs. I may install a few more rods, and may even go out and get more curtain panels. There are some other projects here that will require physical effort rather than mental and I will tackle them over the next few weeks.

I wanted to start looking online at Florida, but didn't get to that yet. I took some walks instead to think about what it was that I really wanted to do in order to focus my efforts in the right direction. I think I have a clearer picture now.

My visit with the Bariatric team today went well. I lost about 3 pounds since last month and that is where I want to be. I noticed some of my clothing was easier to wear. Walking, carrying boxes, climbing the stairs, and keeping myself busy to keep from eating helped a lot. The doctor ordered a few blood tests to make sure my fatigue wasn't an indication of something more serious. I also got an RX for a B-12 shot. I always liked the way I felt after getting one of those years ago. I would like to see an increase in my energy level again.

My pain in my hand may not be so easy to get rid of. The doctor seems to think it might be related to my years of playing guitar, but I am not so sure. His solution might work too, and I will think about it but won't write it here. Right now, my fingers are frozen, even though the temperature here is 70 degrees. It's not poor circulation.

So, one more day until the end of 2011. I still here people saying "two thousand eleven". I wonder how long it will be until they go to the abbreviation and say "twenty eleven"?

Happy New Year!

Tired, but truckin!

Da love seat! Wanna buy it?

The hand made water bed. 7 drawers underneath, with a book case headboard. All made of Poplar with a cherry stain. It was constructed so that none of the pieces were wider than 2 feet. This makes it very easy to take apart for moving. The Blanket was made by my wife while waiting for my son to arrive back in 1985.

Da Couch to go with da loveseat!

I was looking online at the photos of the house that the agent took. To me, they look terrible. I hate bringing it up, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to. I can't imagine selling the house after seeing those pictures. Google 6294 High Street, East Petersburg and you will find it listed among multiple companies.

The guy's camera turned up the worst color I've ever seen in a photograph. He staged the rooms very nicely, but he also took all the wrong angles, bringing out the worst in the house.
The problem is also that I am living in the place and haven't been able to do everything I need to do in order to make the place look perfect.

Oh well.

Monday and Tuesday, I was working on the basement area. I was able to empty the back section of the storage area. I repacked all of the boxes there, getting rid of 3 more 45 gallon bags of trash. I now have about 5 full size boxes ready to bring upstairs to be stored until I move. I have several smaller boxes too that were labelled and packed. I cleaned the areas that I cleared and got rid of old boxes and stuff that had that "musty" odor of the basement in them. That improved the aroma nicely, although I now have to get those boxes off the porch or that room will soon smell as bad as the basement. See the problem? I am only one person. When I ran out of energy yesterday, I had taken numerous trips up and down the stairs, but hadn't gotten everything moved for the trash. I just transported it to the porch until I had more energy. I guess I need to be 35 or 40 years younger to do it all!

I took the photos and paintings off the wall upstairs as well and boxed them. The walls are bare! UGH!

I found a box full of stamps, postcards, and albums of stamps and postcards. I took an hour to sort through and pull the ones that had writing on them. Some of them date back to 1900 and are from my wife's family. It seems that they travelled a lot and as they did, they sent these postcards for the kids to collect. Well, my wife collected them! There must be 2000+ cards there! For some reason, they thought that collecting stamps would be a great idea and investment, so she has cancelled stamps from all over the world and all throughout time. I'll bet I could find a stamped postcard that Jesus sent if I looked hard enough. My daughter decided she wanted the postcards, and as a bonus, I will give her the whole huge box of other stuff too. No, I didn't find an upside down stamp of the Wright Brothers first flight. Maybe I missed it?

I decided to try to give away my TV system to my daughter. I don't want to waste money when I re-locate on sitting and watching the damn thing. I am too addicted to it as it is. I love the thing, but have caught up on almost all of the TV series I missed in the last 20 years or so. The movies today are good, but I don't need to see them in order to be a better person. I can keep up with the news through the internet, and I plan to upgrade my phone next year anyway.

I emptied out some of the frozen food over the holiday. My son and his family now have sausage and butter. I did plan to take the freezer, but now am not sure. I may be able to change my eating habits so that the freezer in a refrigerator will suffice.

At this point, I am concerned that there won't be anyone at my destination that will be able to help me unpack the truck, so I want to get rid of anything that I can't carry myself. All of the boxes are just fine, but furniture may be a problem. I was planning on buying a mattress when I got down there, and not worrying about a real bed. That means I still have to get rid of the king size waterbed I have now. My music equipment is also small enough for me to move myself, even though there is a lot of it.

I have long been a fan of keeping things simple, but haven't been able to do anything about it until now. If I stay in this house, I will continue to get rid of almost everything but what I need. I hate clutter. It's too hard to clean around clutter. I understand how things accumulate, especially after observing how my grandkids got inundated this Christmas with presents from all fronts, not just me. My kids don't have anywhere to go with all the stuff. My daughter's garage is now housing boxes floor to ceiling with little room for the car. My son is living in a single wide trailer with 4 kids.

I have an almost empty house, and if I don't sell it, I will stay right where I am. That is one of my plans. If the house doesn't sell, I can stay here and get a job to pay for expenses. If I live bare bone basic, I can keep costs down and use this place as a base, and travel when I want without worry. I may fix the place up, but it will be on my terms.

3 of my plans require me to move out of this area, by the way. 2 of the plans require me to stay local. One of the plans is the right one for me, but there may be a variation based on reality.

The easiest plan is to stay put. I can get a full time job to pay the bills and become a working stiff. The mortgage payment is low enough here for me to want to stay. I couldn't live in an apartment for much less without giving up a lot of freedom.

I won't bother posting the other 4 plans here. They are well thought out, but who knows what will happen?

What's next?

Time off?

Jackson and me

Jazlynn trying out her new lipstick!

Lillian and me!

The for sale sign has gone up.

M&T Bank Stadium in Baltimore, MD.

My phone isn't as new as it could be. I will wait until next year to get an Iphone. So, my pictures are OK, but not great. My battery was also low, so I only took 4 pictures of the stadium.

My friends and bus riders came over on Friday and dropped off the perfect sized boxes for me to use for packing. They had a dozen large, but not too large, and a series of smaller boxes. I put them together on Friday afternoon. I was able to put all of my album collection into several smaller boxes. This made them very easy to carry instead of loading them into large boxes. I gave away one of the boxes of albums that I know I won't listen to. Probably about 35 albums there. That still leaves about 150 so I won't run out of music anytime soon.

Saturday, I did something I have never done before. It took all of my effort to do it, because I am just not into change and I felt some real nervousness and fear of the unknown. I knew I would be OK, but I didn't know what to expect from myself. I know the last time I tried to take some time for myself, I had a panic attack and it ruined my weekend. I wasted a lot of money too.

This time, however, I was OK. My friend had two tickets to the Raven's game, and his wife didn't want to go, so he sold one to me. I split fuel and paid for the ticket, and we had a ball. I froze my ass off, but it was still fun. I don't know if I will ever do it again, but now I know I can, and that makes it OK. I ate well, and was able to take my vitamins on time because I carried them with me. Never the less, I was exhausted by the time I got home and I went right to bed and slept about 14 hours. Climbing the stairs to the top level and then coming down and back up a few times along with the cold took it out of me.

Sunday, I took a drive to York and then on to MD. to see all the grandkids and give them their presents from me. I got lots of hugs and probably some germs too, but that's OK. I have a week off to recover. I slept well again last night. But, I did have to get up once around 1am to solve a problem that I had been working on. The solution just came to me and I knew that if I didn't do it right then, I might forget it by the morning. Strange how that works.

So far, during this particular vacation, I have been able to pace myself and stay on track in order to get a lot finished. I worked steadily this morning and throughout the day. I was up and down the stairs numerous times, and collected 3 bags of trash as well as cleared out a whole section of stuff in the back of the basement. I will be taking pictures as I go. I vacuumed the darkroom, and put down some more baking soda to absorb more odors. The windows are open and the fan is running, so that will take some more of the "basement" aroma away. Less dust, fewer smelly books and newspapers, pictures, paintings and other assorted stuff wrapped, labelled and boxed.

As I've said before, this whole situation is throwing out some mixed emotions. I hate getting rid of my wife's stuff. But, I refuse to carry stuff that I will never look at of have a use for. There is a lot of stuff that I am giving to my wife's relatives so they can store them until they dissolve, but things that I know have no monetary or sentimental value, are being trashed. Either way, I will never have to see or think about that stuff again.

I have a blanket chest filled with thousands of pictures, and other memories, and that will be what I give to my kids when I am gone. I may or may not look at the stuff in that chest, who knows?

Regardless, it feels very good to know that the things I take with me when I leave here will be what I want to take with me. There were too many years of moving boxes that we never opened. I can now safely say that I have opened every single one of those boxes. I've looked at everything, and thrown away tons of stuff, but kept all the memories in my heart and head.

Oh, I've lost a few pounds the past few weeks. Not enough to notice, but my long johns fit better. I will continue to adapt myself to the new life I have chosen and hope I am allowed to slowly move forward.

Movement forward

The house is really starting to look better. I am feeling as if a weight has been lifted, yet I know that this is temporary and things will probably go sour soon. This is not my hope, it's a fact. I've been doing some things and leaving others alone. I just can't seem to do it all.
The important stuff is being left behind, and I just can't keep up.

The Christmas holiday is a week away. Then, I have to plan to take my trip to Florida in preparation for my move.

I have several back up plans, and things should work out if I don't run out of available money.

I've accomplished so much. I wonder if I will ever be finished?

Oh well, bring it on. I'm ready for the next thing, whatever that may be.

I can't make music

I woke up at 3am with my mind in full swing. The negative part of me was in a panic. The positive side was still sleeping.
This happens a lot. I wake up too early, and have to calm my mind down in order to get enough sleep.
This morning, I decided to get up and do something instead of just lying there feeling sorry for myself.
I made a decision that is causing the panic and have been making decisions like that for a few months now.
I decided to sell the house and move to Florida. I have no idea where in Florida, just that I want to go there. They have music, and other jobs that I can do. I may not have to drive a bus anymore. That alone would make me happy. But, I have nagging questions that keep popping up at 3am. They threaten to make me go off the deep end. 3am is a terrible time to be alone.

The questions that keep challenging me:

How much stuff do I need to live?
How little do I need to live?
Will I be damned to Hell if I throw something out?
Will my wife come back and haunt me if I throw something of hers out?
Will my kids disown me if I throw something out?

These are all irrational questions during the day, but not at 3am.
Some people can live with no possessions at all. But in America, the one with the most toys wins!

This works in weight loss too. If I don't eat hearty, does that mean I'm living in squalor or poverty? Am I less than human if I eat what I should, and not be gluttonous?

So, the unknown journey begins for me. Oh, I've been down this road before, but never by myself.
There are some things I have that for some reason, I don't see. I pass by them thinking that they are important and should be left alone.

• I have a black and white photo of my father in law. It is in a frame, and hung on the wall years ago when he lived here. Now, it sits in the basement on a back shelf. For some reason, every time I go past it, I put it aside rather than throw it away or store it in some box to be dealt with at a later time. There are many things like that here.
  

This week, starting right now, I am going to start filling trash bags with stuff like that and throw it all away. Maybe in a thousand years, some archaeologist will dig it up and think it is an important find, but for now, it's just another thing I don't need to carry with me.

I have a junk man that comes around when I call. He will take anything I need to be gotten rid of. I also still have 100 or more 45 gallon bags that I can take to the curb after I fill them up. I don't know if I can fill them all, but when I leave here, it all has to be gone and I don't want to take it with me.


My daughter has taken a pile of stuff, and now has no time or desire to take any more of it. My son has no interest at all. My wife's relatives have told me they want some things, and I have them separated for them, but if they don't come get them, they aren't going to get them. I will call them this week.

So, after all this time of collecting "stuff", the time has come to let it all go. I don't need anything that has been stored in a box or on a shelf in the basement since 1992.
I've scoured Ebay, and Craigslist to see if any of it has value. None of it does.
The musty odor of old books will soon be gone from the basement. The books upstairs have fared better because it is dryer and warmer. But, many of them will not go with me either. I've read them all at least once and maybe more than that. I could list them on Amazon and maybe get a few dollars for them, but my time now is too important. I need to work on my new life, and get rid of the old life as fast as I can.
I have sold a lot of stuff and will sell some more before I leave. But some of it isn't worth selling.

• I will be donating 500 hangers to Goodwill. Maybe they can sell them, use them, or give them away.

I'm pulling the bandages off very quickly that have covered wounds that have been there for many years. Yes, it hurts like Hell, but the pain is temporary, I hope.

People are afraid of going crazy, yet, if they go crazy they won't really have anything to worry about. I won't go crazy, but I may suffer a bit more.

Let's see if I can survive this move.

Seriously? A common slang term used today.

Everytime I think I have the grief thing conquered, it comes back to bite me.
My plan was to start packing things up today. I've been planning it all week.
The problem I am having is slowing me down, not stopping me.
I keep finding memories.
I have been going over this in my head. I need to organize things, pack some of it away, throw some of it out. I need to sell some of it, and maybe give some of it away. I think I covered everything.
The problem are the memories.
I didn't remember that I packed a pile of them into drawers of my wife's night stand, and in her drawers under the bed.
Today, I found them.
I have boxes all ready to go. They are just the right size for me to pack, seal, label, and carry without too much trouble. They are just the right size that I can fill them up and not be too heavy. I've seen people pack the really big boxes, and then have them fall apart because they were too heavy. I've learned from my mistakes. My boxes are good, well made boxes!
So, I opened a drawer and found a canvas bag from the funeral home with all the cards from people offering condolences. There were newspaper clippings of when Donna was a child and got her picture in the paper. There were old photos that I totally forgot about.
There was a bag of scarves, hats, and even wig shampoo. There was a knit shawl that someone called a prayer shawl. They made it for her, prayed over it, and gave it to her. She had it with her when she died.
There were cards for many occasions, including some from the grandkids to me. There were pictures made by the grandkids for her that hung in her room at the nursing home.
So, instead of just throwing it all into a box and packing it away, I had to read it all and grieve. It wasn't very time efficient, but it was cathartic.
Now, I'm going to take my afternoon nap, and dig in after I wake up and do it some more.

My holiday will consist of going to see my sister for Thanksgiving. I plan to do some food shopping on Friday, and maybe go out to hear a band if I can find one. I will have to force myself to do that, but I know it will help me to feel better.
I plan to continue to pack things up, clean a bit more, and hope to see some progress by the time I go back to work next week.
I also plan to play the guitar a bit to see if I can find the music in me again. My finger still hurts like crazy, but I will try anyway. Maybe I'll create a new type of music that consists of strumming a chord, then screaming in agony!
My amplifier project is still on hold, but I do have it all lined up for when it gets started again.

My blog title (Life is Good!) isn't helping me too much the past few weeks. I just can't seem to break through to the other side and start climbing up again. But, I'm not giving up... ever.

Delete this post? Nah!

I deleted my last post because it was not what I should be writing about. It was a rant about someones ideas and not mine, and that's not right.
I realized too, that I stopped reading my posts right after I edit and post them. I have been writing this way for a long time. I should re-read them once in awhile just so I can learn from them.
But, most of them recently have been written just to get ideas out of my head so I can move on.

The pain in my finger is still there and this morning when I went out to shred leaves and finish one section of the yard, the pain in my knees and joints became noticeable. In fact, I was able to work through it, but had to readjust my movement to compensate. The pain is just in my joints, and not my muscles. I can tell the difference. I was so tired when I finished, that I came in and took a nap for two hours.

I was planning on taking a walk tonight, but am too sore. I did take a drive this afternoon to enjoy the last bit of sunlight. It gets dark way too early now.

This coming week, I have a very strange bus schedule so I will try to concentrate on starting to pack and organize things that I don't need. I decided the past few days that I am going to make the move whether I am ready or not. Tomorrow, I have an agent coming over to help me decide what to sell the house for.

All of the work I've done should make the sale easier, and I hope to make enough to pay the mortgage and have some left over for the move. One of the things I have thought about is my continued bariatric support. I will try to find a team where I go, but even if I do find that team, I will come back up here once a year for my yearly blood work and checkup. Next year's appointment will mark the 4 year milestone for me.

I am hoping the move will help me to work towards the final 50 pounds. I gained some over the past year that I want to get rid of, and I think becoming more active and working to re-integrate me into society will be the spark I need to burn off the rest of the weight.

So, next week, I will divide my time between taking pictures and posting to Craigslist the furniture I want to sell, and packing things into two piles. One for getting rid of, and one for taking with me when I move.

I really want to try to get rid of almost everything as far as furniture is concerned, because I want to experience the feeling of doing it all again. I have some sentimental stuff that I will keep, such as photographs, but I am going to look through everything and see if I can't just sell it all and start again.

I have a friend who is a believer in the afterlife and she says that my wife's spirit is in some of the furniture and will follow me where ever I go. She tells me that's why I sold both cars last year and bought one that my wife had never been in before. So, if I take my wife's blankets with me, her spirit will follow.

I guess that means that I shouldn't take my mother in laws stuff with me unless I want her to continue to haunt me! :)

Oh, I forgot to mention that I bought a book to read at the suggestion of my dietitian. It's called "Weight loss surgery cook book for dummies". There are actually two books from the dummy collection dealing with WLS. The cookbook is one and the info on the surgery itself is the other.

The cookbook is very interesting. It covers everything from the beginning as far as what you need to know about food and eating. It is a nice refresher since it is very basic and not preachy. I am told that there are lots of good recipes in the second half, but I am still only a few chapters into it. I am reading it slowly so I can remember what I read. I know that there are many different kinds of WLS, but they cover the basics for the 2 most popular, roux en Y and the lap band. They really have standardized the rules for most everyone, so it's a good read.

The pain goes on... venting

I'm too nice a guy to go back and yell at this yahoo doctor for prescribing me a NSAID when I just get finished telling him I can't take them.
Damn!
The pill worked too. It took away the pain for about a day and a half. But, I can't take them without messing up my pouch.
Damn!
He did refer me to the doctor that I needed to be referred to. I am hoping to line up an appointment sometime next week. The bad thing is that he is located in York and it will be tough to make the trip in between bus runs.
I am looking to find out just what is wrong and if there is a way to improve things, or cure it. It is doubtful that the pain can be cured, but I will take whatever I can get. As long as it allows me to play again.

"We were all put here for a reason"

The above statement is a lie. We were put here as part of a grand experiment. We all have different backgrounds and this is an experiment to see how we react to the same problems.
How am I doing so far? You have to ask the Scientist who started the experiment. Personally, I don't think I'm doing all that well.
Oh, I've accomplished a lot of things, but I would like to be a little more cognizant of my surroundings.
I would like to remember things I need to.
I would like to feel something other than a broken heart, anger, disgust, hate, sadness, guilt, and pain. I know I will eventually, but I want things to change now! Of course.

Regardless of all these emotions above, I am making progress. I don't feel these things when it comes to my Bypass surgery. I feel good about that. I don't always follow the schedule, but I am getting better at it. Baby steps?

Did I mention that I hate Daylight savings time and everything related to it? I would rather they leave time alone. It's bad enough that I have to get up every morning at 4:30am. Just leave it alone!

This morning, I got up after watching the heads up display on the ceiling go goofy. It kept changing from 1am to 2am to 3am and back. Whoever was running the national clock didn't get it right until 4 am. I have several battery clocks in the house that I have to manually change.

So, I get up and start working on things. My goal was to install a cheap piece of carpet that I got for the back bedroom. In order to do that, I had to clear out the rest of the music equipment, vacuum the dust and dirt on the floor, and roll out the carpet. I decided to not bother buying any padding for under the carpet. I don't really need it for sale or for playing music. I just need it to cover up the glunk on the floor (glue + gunk). So, here's what I did:

• While I was heating up my breakfast, I took a load of wash down and got it started.
• There was a box on the floor that I tossed down a few days ago. I picked it up and put it where it belonged.
• There were towels in the dryer that were finished a few days ago. I took them upstairs and put them on the bed for folding later.
• The trash can was full so I traded that out. I also took out a few boxes that had been waiting for the next time I went to the trash. Of course, the recycling went out too.
  
• I brought two gallons of water in from the porch. One was to make coffee, the other to make a gallon of crystal lite. By this time, breakfast needed to be warmed up. while running it through the microwave, I turned on the TV and set it up to go to "on demand".
• I ate while watching one of my shows.
• The wash was finished so I went downstairs and transferred it over to the dryer.
• I came back upstairs and did the dishes.
• Then I started a record (Yes) to listen to while clearing out the back bedroom. It took both sides of the album and half of the next album to clear out the back bedroom.
• I ran the vacuum through the whole house and finished up with the now empty back bedroom.

I still have to bring up the now dry wash, fold it along with the towels that are already on the bed, and put it all away.

I took a short break to write this, and may lay down to take a refreshing nap.

I don't know if you know this, but they use a chemical poison to make the carpet stiff and fresh. It makes it look great on the showroom floor, but when you unroll the carpet, it is released into the air. I can't remember if it was arsenic, or formaldehyde, but you should always unroll the carpet with the windows open and leave them open for a day or so to air the place out. I will do that and also put a fan in while closing the door. The carpet is covered with plastic now, until I'm ready to work it. Professional carpet installers get sick over time because of that practice. You might see some of them wearing masks, which is the smart thing to do.

Anyway, when the room is finished, I will return the music equipment and try to do more organization so it's neater. You can't imagine how many cables and cords I have to sort. It's a necessity to have them all because of the variety of connections that need to be made.

I should have the carpet in by this afternoon, and the room ready for the equipment by Tuesday.

The next two weeks, I plan to make plans to do a whole bunch of things. What the great Experimenter in the sky's plans are for me, I don't know.

How crazy is that?

I have been in pain for a long time. Most of the pain was in my heart. Not my physical heart, but the other one. That is the one you can't do anything about but live with it.
To a physician, this looks like depression, but I can tell you that it's not. I know what depression feels like and this isn't it.
I will get over this heart pain soon. I am almost out of the woods.
But, I am allowing myself to feel it for a little bit longer.
I have been contemplating extremes. I always do that when I am working on a problem. This allows me to see each edge of the problem so I can work on it and solve it completely.
An variation of "extreme" would be if I were to walk away from everything after closing my bank account and cleaning out my limited retirement account. This would give me enough cash to go somewhere else and start over. This wouldn't work for me because I am too honest and there are so many checkpoints in the States, that my problems would follow me and I would end up no better off than I am now.

The other end of the extreme would be to ignore all my current problems and go for broke in some get rich quick scheme.

The true extremes are life or death, but those are only parameters, not realistic. I can't control when I die unless I consider suicide, which is something I won't do. I don't have any control over "life". I will live as long as I am supposed to live.

So, I will happily stay somewhere in the middle of the two extremes. I may get close to the edge, but it won't be for long. I have no desire to live with "blood pressure raised" situations all the time.

The other pain I have is physical. Have you ever slammed your fingers in a door? If so, you know the kind of pain I am in. After taking that damn statin drug, I had pain like that all over my body. It took several weeks for me to feel better. My whole body still aches just a bit, which could be related to the drug or it could just be old age creeping up on me.
But, the little finger on my left hand feels like it got slammed in a door. The other fingers and thumb are fine. Same with the right hand. It is fine.
So today, I have a doctor's appointment with a new doctor. He is associated with the new hospital and I am hoping this guy works out and is progressive enough to leave me alone and just fix my problems, and not hassle me about cholesterol.
Update: I just came from the new doctor. He gave me Celebrex, which turned out to be a NSAID which is a no no for gastric bypass patients. I will now have to call him and tell him that. I didn't realize at the office that Celebrex was a no no. I told him I couldn't take hard shell pill, only capsules, but I guess I didn't get through to him about the nsaids. Oh well, throw away another doctor.

I spoke with a beautiful woman the other day. She had physical beauty, but also was attractive to me in other ways. She is intelligent, and able to stay focused, which is rare. She also remembers things. I meet many people and have trouble with memory. Always have been that way. Some people can meet you and remember everything you spoke of a month later. Unless you are a close friend and I deal with you on a regular basis, I have a tough time with memory.

So, this woman helped me to focus on myself for a brief moment. She helped me to express my true feelings just for a minute. It felt good to be able to do that without feeling self centered or conceited. It felt to me as if I had allowed one door to close in my life and was getting ready to open the next door. I always move slowly, and cautiously, so now I am ready to open the door.
I am grateful to her, and she probably doesn't even know what she did for me.
The mirror she provided will allow me to move to the next step. I think I will send her flowers or something.

This weekend will be a bit chilly but will be clear. I am going to have to take a long walk to try to sort through the stress my financial life is now causing. I am again running out of money. I just got notification from the welfare department about wanting information so they can determine if they need to tell me to give something back to them. I wasn't aware that I had gotten anything from them. I turned the first letter over to my lawyer, but she hasn't gotten back to me.
As with all government forms, this one leaves much to be desired. It is all but unintelligible. The information they requested could only apply to someone who is very rich and can afford to hire accountants, and lawyers. I will compose a letter and send it in with the form and hope they don't decide to do anything stupid.

OK, what's next?

Powerless

I have had some insane dreams over the past year.
I've expected nothing less, since my life has changed directions so drastically.
I went from being too fat, to losing everything. Well, not everything.
The fact that I am on my own is one of the reasons I have had these crazy dreams. Maybe you don't realize how important it is to have friends to talk to in person. At least, it's important to me. I do talk to people, but not in person.
Every weekend for the past year, with very few exceptions, I have been a total recluse. I rarely get phone calls on the weekend. I do get texts if I initiate them, and I do a lot of surfing on Facebook. Sometimes, I do IM's on Facebook, but not many other places.
My inner voice is always talking. Sometimes I am able to ignore it, but then the damn music starts playing and a song will repeat over and over. So, my dreams become the place for me to defrag everything that is going on in my brain.
Recently, I have been watching old TV shows as I've stated in previous posts. I study people and it is good for me to see how others handle their problems. TV today is much better at handling things realistically, and that helps me to figure out what I need to do.
I do a lot of emoting during these shows as I try to rid myself of the pain of the past two years and move into the healing process. I am making progress.

I've been writing down my thoughts and trying very hard to finish everything I need to do here in the house. They predicted snow today and it is an early snow, and a heavy one.
About an hour ago, the power went out. The silence in the house was deafening, but the sound of the ticking battery operated clocks brought me to realize just how loud this house is. I can't hear the clocks when the power is on because there are so many things plugged in and they all make noise. Not a lot of noise, but it is there none the less.

Some thoughts came to the front of the brain when the power first went out:

• What the hell was I doing in a snow storm? I had planned on being in Florida by now, playing music for my living.
• My CPAP machine won't work without electricity.
  
• Everything is electric. What happens if the power stays off?
• No microwave oven. Everything I cook is done using the microwave. I did an inventory of what I could eat in case the power was off long term. I have plenty of protein bars in the fridge, and could use the gas grill if I needed.
  
• No TV, or other electronic media. My laptop computer stayed on because it has a battery, but the main computer went down.
• I would have to go out to the car in order to charge my phone. As soon as I lost power, one of my local friends started texting me. Soon, my daughter and three other friends were texting me.
• I went through the house and unplugged everything that I don't use on a regular basis. I found I still had a speaker system plugged in and it was making noises that I wasn't happy about. I also went into the basement to check the breaker box in case it was just my house.
• I got my under armor shirt on, as well as a hat in case it got cold in the house. I am much more comfortable with them on now.
• I took pictures of outside the house and did a quick tour to make sure the wires were still connected to the house. I also surveyed the neighborhood in case a tree fell locally that I could report. Everything looked normal, except for the snow on everything so early in the season. The snow will be gone in the next few days because the temp will go up again and there are no predictions of more precipitation.

The fire companies are out all over the place with trees and wires down, so the power may go out yet again.
So, today, I will stay home, but I may go outside as soon as I see the snow slowing down. I want to get my workout by shoveling the driveway and sidewalk.

Today, since I knew there would be snow, I had planned on staying inside for the most part. The snow is very wet and heavy, so it is not good to walk in. It would be like walking in a heavy rainfall. I have my shoe spikes in case I change my mind, and I can deal with the wet if I really put my mind to it.

OK, what's next?

Working in a coal mine, going down down down...

I found a gelatin capsule with Glucosamine/chondroitin. I hadn't taken it since before the surgery.
But the damn statin drug made my fingers and I needed something.
I ran out of fish oil about 3 days ago and I noticed I started to feel better for some reason.
So, I went out and got the stuff above and the fish oil, and started taking it again anyway.
I'm hoping the stuff will take away enough pain for me to start playing guitar again.

I also started working on a recipe book in my head. I doubt it will ever see the written page, but it's a good exercise for my brain.
I have another idea to write down some of my experience as a bus driver as far as safety and good driving habits are concerned, but that one will not make it either. They both sound better in my head than they ever will on paper.
I have several other ideas for books that will only be written if I am a total invalid and have nothing else to do except write. It just ain't gonna happen. I have too many other things to think about.

I have friends and family that have problems much greater than mine for the most part. I run those problems through my mind while driving and come up with some solutions, but usually keep them to myself because they do sound better in my head than they do coming out into the world. I do tell them sometimes, but they usually get shot down.

My son has some problems right now that I have no idea how to help him. But I know that I can't do anything for him other than to pray and listen to him. If I did help, he wouldn't grow and move forward. He was doing so well, but he screwed up and now he is paying the price. I personally hate making mistakes, but have learned to live with them so far.

I had some things I was going to write about tonight, but I'm very tired and won't be able to think clearly in a few minutes. Gonna head to bed.

Life and death!

So, I'm sitting on a hill in my school bus this morning behind a small car. In front of that car is a fully loaded 18 wheeler. This guy did 25 mph the entire way down the road I was on. The road is an open 2 lane with full visibility and the speed limit is 45, so I figured he was from out of town and I gave him a wide berth.
Now, he was stuck on the hill with nowhere to go. He couldn't figure out how to shift his gears in order to make it up the hill, and every time he tried to go, he stalled and had to jam the brakes to keep from sliding back down the hill.
In the meantime, there was a line of vehicles, including several school buses behind him. I run scenarios in my head all the time when things like this happen. I think about what I would do if his brakes failed and he started rolling backwards. He wouldn't be able to slow himself down and the truck would just roll backwards faster and faster until he started taking out whatever was behind him, until he would finally stop with multiple cars, trucks and buses mangled.
Then, it came to me that this was a real possibility. There was a small car in front of me, and that stood no chance against this truck. I saw that car (we're back to reality now) put the car into reverse, and start moving back from the now sliding truck.
I looked behind me and since my bus is bigger than the average car, no one behind me could see the situation. I had nowhere to go. If I jumped out of the bus, others would still get hurt. If I tried to slow the truck down when it got to me, I might have been able to save others, but I would surely get hurt.
When you watch TV shows, there is always music and multiple angles to view so that you can figure out what is going to happen next, and you can watch it from a safe distance. Reality isn't like that.
About this time, a woman comes around the passenger side of the truck and starts waving to us to move back. The problem is that we can't do that because we are all in line. There is nowhere to go.
So, I waited for her to get near me, and I roll down the window and tell her to stop traffic ahead of the truck so we can get around it. She does that and I am able to get around the truck and go on my way.
I pop the blue tooth into my ear and I call 911 and report what I consider to be a dangerous situation. The dispatcher takes my information and tells me that she will pass it on.
I leave the scene and go home to write this.

I got home 10 minutes ago and I'm still shaky. I was in a no win situation this morning, and I won anyway. In all my 38 years of bus driving, I have hated every second of the 15%, and wished I could be somewhere else, doing something else.

They say that you can train to avoid 85% of accidents. The other 15% you can't. But, you can minimize you risks by being prepared.

This situation was impossible to avoid. But, by the grace of God, it didn't happen.
I've since checked the online fire radio and haven't seen anything, so I am assuming the truck made it off the hill and everything turned out OK. The thing I am almost certain about, is that the truck driver and his woman passenger had no idea how serious a situation they had gotten into by not being prepared. They will likely continue on their trip laughing about how stupid the roads are.

I have to drive the roads with idiots like this everyday and I thank God I make it through without hurting anyone or getting hurt myself.

I am almost to the point of hanging up my CDL and all the years of training because I am scared to death of people like this.

Mindless idiots behind the wheel.

It's my turn!

I have written "It's my turn" sometimes in anger.
Sometimes in frustration.
Sometimes as a threat, or more accurately, aggressively. I don't make many threats. I am a gentle person.
I've made the statement as a way of trying to convince myself that it's a fact.
I've said it so many times in the past two years, and every time I say it, it's for a different reason.
I want it to be true.
I have done without for so many years.
It seems that every time I get ahead, there was someone else who needed what I earned more than me.
Now, I am trying to live up to the statement "it's my turn".
I am trying to be worthy of myself. I am trying to not feel guilty for buying myself the good socks instead of the cheap ones.
I have bought a few things that I wanted rather than needed, and have felt guilty.
I've done things that I didn't get to do before, and have felt guilty.
I've said things that I wouldn't have said before, and I felt guilty.
I've been quiet when I would have spoken up before, and I've felt guilty.

I now find that I am not feeling as guilty as before.
I guess I am now coming to grips with life. There are choices to be made, and I am making them.
There are things that should be done, and I am doing them without feeling guilty.
There are things that I don't have the time or energy to do, and they are being let go, and I don't feel guilty.

I have been working on two different things:
Thing one
Amp design and build.
I have to say that it's a pleasure working with someone who's main goal isn't to destroy whatever I am trying to do.
I am making decisions, and we have an open discussion, where I am not wrong all the time.

Thing two:
I have been talking to others who are alone in their present life and are experiencing much of the same situations that I am. I am finding myself actually thinking about their situation and instead of telling them what to do, I am seeing things from their perspective. I am able to ask questions, or make a statement that will really help them to look at their problem from a different angle. I am not trying to tell them what to do, or telling them that they are wrong. I am allowing them to live their life and just reflecting back to them what they just told me so they can see the situation from a different angle. Maybe, that will help them.

My favorite counselor during my trials and tribulations with weight loss and the loss of my wife, has evolved. I am no longer able to see them because they are moving on with their life. That is a good thing for them, and I am hoping they are happy. It might even be a good thing for me since it's time for me to get back on the horse and go out and have contact with other people. It has been a long time since I socially interacted with anyone, other than through my DJ/MC work, that I of course feel a bit apprehensive.

I am still dealing with all the problems I had before, but am learning to go more with the flow.

We hide the truth inside our pants!

Bill Cosby said that once in a tape I heard. It was broadcast on WMMR in the early morning, right after midnight. It was the last line after a series of supposedly profound statements in the form of poetry. I could explain further, but it is probably a waste of time.
I used to accumulate and collect one liners, and sometimes more than one liners so I could use them in conversation to make me appear "cool", when in reality, I did better without them.
The truth is, (not inside my pants!) I felt very uncomfortable interacting with people. You see, I had trouble because I would hear someone say something, or observe them doing something, and would be processing that information, trying to figure out if I needed to respond. If I threw out a one liner, then I would be free of that obligation.
I also had trouble because I couldn't send good information while receiving other information. If someone was talking to me, I had to think about what they said, how they looked, etc. I didn't have time to form a proper response. I could either take in the information, or send out some of my own. I couldn't do both.
Today, I am a bit older and have a lot more experience. So, I am able to read people better. I've also heard most of what people say and already know the proper response. So, I don't really need new one liners, although mine are a bit dated.
I look for new things all the time. That allows me to try to keep the brain working. I also get lazy and tend to fall back into the old patterns when I get tired.
Fatigue plays a big part in my life today. I get tired, so I cut corners when I can. I pace myself much slower and stop long before I'm worn out because I am afraid of running out of energy at the wrong place and time.
I also don't seek out social situations because I really hate playing the games. I really don't want to break new ground right now.
I had to force myself to go out the other night. I went to see my friends play in an area where they had a "Pub Crawl". The place was packed and I almost turned around and left, but I managed to stay and found one of my buddies. I let him take the lead so I wouldn't have to interact with anyone.
I saw several women that I would have liked to start a conversation, but I decided against it because I still don't want to play the game. I stayed sober (not hard to do since I don't drink) and saved money.
The music was good and it was a nice evening out. I was able to leave early enough so that when I got home I hit the sack and slept late the next morning.

I am working on two things right now. One of them is to redo my diet plan and see if I can get back on track. I am staying pretty much the same weight, and have recovered mostly from the cholesterol medicine, but I still have pain in my little finger. I am going to get that checked out.
I am also working with the dietitian. He sent me a bunch of information that I will plow through in the hopes that I can get inspired again.
I am working on another project in order to try to make some money. A friend and I are going to be building our own amplifier. The first one will be a prototype so that we can fine tune the amp to sound the way we want. After that, we will purchase several kits, build them, and try to sell them for a profit. I'm praying that this will be what I need to do in order to survive the next 20 years or so. Time will tell.

In the meantime, I made up a sausage stew/chili to try to stock up on food for the winter. I want to use up all of the containers I have with at least 3 different types of meals. This will allow me to have variety and to be able to portion out the meals. So far, I have 8 quarts of the other chili (ground beef added), and 7 quarts of the sausage. I have more beans available to prepare in the next few weeks and am going to try to do one more batch, this time using beef cubes and heavy on the veggies.
I am using my laptop to write this today, and am sitting outside in the afternoon sun. The old laptop has lots more pictures from the past that I haven't been able to transfer to the Mac yet. I just don't know how.

A clean mind, a dirty room.

Me in my room in 1972. I had a fishing net hanging from the ceiling. It changed the whole mood of the room. The bed is a double that was my Dad's. That was our first bed. I took it with me when we got married and moved. It was already 30 years old when we got it.

When I was a kid, my Mom would get mad at me about twice a month, and then send me to my room to clean it from top to bottom. I couldn't come out, of course, until it was all clean. I didn't figure out until a few years after that she got mad at me so that I would clean the room, not because I did anything wrong.
I would go in there all upset and angry, and then dig into it. I would go through every drawer, every nook and cranny in the place and throw out whatever no longer interested me.
Some things, I would keep because my parents gave them to me. Or, they would have other value, such as, I liked them or used them on a regular basis.
I learned how to clean things out without throwing it all out and ruining my life. I also felt better after it was finished because it was now clean. I would dust and vacuum along with trashing things.
My room was my home and I was proud of how I kept it looking good.
I would also rearrange my furniture when I could. It was tough because sometimes I had a very small room. In our second home, I had two beds. They were twin beds and I always slept on the same one. I could never feel comfortable sleeping in the other one, even though they were the same. I didn't have much room to move things around.
My parents never came into my room to check on things, or if they did, I never knew. The room was always the way I left it.
When we got married, I expected things to be the same for us as it was just for me. I expected things to be put away, and everything to be clean and neat.
Boy, that was a rude awakening.
Right after we got married, we had nothing. I had to get a job and I worked a very physical job, so I was tired when I came home. My wife was going to school at first, and then she went to work. So neither of us had time to do much as far as doing a super clean job on the place.
I remember tearing things apart and cleaning them. Donna pitched in also and soon we had the place as clean as we could make it.

Donna was going for her checkup because she was having trouble breathing. The doctor couldn't figure out what was wrong, and I got the opinion that he really didn't know what he was doing. So, I called a hospital in Philadelphia where my Mom died. They had taken good care of her there, but she was too far gone and they couldn't do anything for her. I thought they could do something for Donna.
They couldn't. It's a long story for another day, but after I did hours and hours of research in the library (before computers) about her condition, I determined they couldn't do anything for her in Philadelphia, so we actually snuck her out of there so she could come back home. I also pretended to be a medical records transporter and "stole" all of her medical records, x-rays, and blood test results.
We took all of this to her family doctor, and he was able to determine that she was really OK for now and that made us feel much better.
Donna had this problem recur over the years, and it wasn't until just recently that we learned it was a form of radiation burns to her lungs, and pleural space that was causing fluid to accumulate in her pleural cavity, affecting her breathing.

Just after I got her home, I went through this very strong feeling of loss. It was the first time in my life that I realized that we no longer had our parents to depend on. My Mother had died, and my Father remarried. He and his wife moved out of our home in Levittown and into an apartment. If I ever wanted to go back home again, I couldn't. It was no longer there.
This hit me very hard. I had no idea what was wrong, but I couldn't function. I didn't know what depression was back then. I didn't know anything back then.
Donna thought it was our relationship, and probably thought about leaving, but she stayed and supported me. I eventually came out of it, but I can still feel the desolation of that time.
I had accumulated a lot of junk back then that I didn't need anymore. I got out of the depression by going through my stuff and getting rid of most of it. I had some collections of things, and I really didn't get any pleasure from it anymore, so I got rid of it.
I couldn't convince Donna to get rid of her junk too, and we carried it with us through 7 moves. This is the stuff I am getting rid of still.
I just took 4 suitcases out to throw away. They were in the attic crawl space. I thought they might be used for equipment storage, but they were coated with the goo of time and I decided it was time to throw them out.
I found a file box loaded with cancelled checks from her parents up there too. I had thought that I got rid of them before, but I think they just grow back. They are so old that I might not even shred them. There are about 30 rolls of wrapping paper still up there that I will probably leave alone. I also believe there are two more suitcases, but they will stay too for now.
I piled about 12 boxes outside for trash along with the suitcases.
I am gathering up stuff the regular trash won't take. I have a friend who will pick that stuff up to take to the waste authority directly. I'll have to pay extra, but at least it will be gone.

Over the years, we collected lots of things in the anticipation of becoming financially successful. Then, we could buy our large dream home and have shelves full of nick nacks, antiques, and great things to look at. It never happened. We just continued to collect things, storing them in boxes.

I have an entire box of plaques from Donna's company. She received these awards every year for doing something or other, and they just kept giving her these plaques. Along with all the driving awards I received, they got stored. He plaques are just blocks of wood now, with a bit of lacquer and decoupage. My awards are paper suitable for framing. I also have a ton of little lapel pins. They fill up the drawer in my night stand.
Donna' plaques were too numerous for me to hang up anywhere in the house. I did try one time to put them on the basement wall, but that was kind of silly. The walls weren't painted then, and putting nails in the brick/cinder block just wasn't a good idea.
My father in law also had a pile of plaques and awards that were framed. They were stored in a box on the floor in the darkroom, so he they had no value to him either.

It feels good for me to touch these things. They had no value to Donna, but they are a part of her accomplishments, and I feel that. I was thinking of taking them to the attic and using them on the floor over the insulation to help keep the house a bit warmer this winter. I wonder what new owners would think if they saw that?

Donna's essence is still here. I can still feel her in the house. But, she is fading and soon will be gone. She died in a nursing home in Harrisburg, not here in the house, but both of her parents died here and they still haunt the place.

My stuff is getting ready to be packed up and sent to a storage facility. I will go out next week and get prices. I will then box everything I don't use and transport them to that facility. The house will then go up for sale. When people come to see it, there will be very little here that will give it our personality.

I remember the series of emotions involved with moving. I experienced them every time we moved. This will be the first time I go through it alone and it worries me. But I will survive. I go through the dread, the fear, and the excitement of moving to a new place. I go through the overwhelming feeling when I look at the amount of stuff I just can't live without.
I look at all the wires connected here. I look at the daunting task of cleaning a new place. I look at getting there and knowing that I don't have everything I need to live and have to go out and buy something.
I also think about employment. My job doesn't pay enough for me to live very well. So, I will have to compromise and lower my standards.
I hope my new place is secure. I hope it is quiet. I hope the heat and AC are comfortable. I hope the place isn't a dump.
Let's see what happens next.....

Breaking Bad, and other great shows!

There were so many TV series put out through the pay channels that were so good. Unfortunately, I didn't see the need to pay for TV other than for basic cable. So, I missed them all. The Sopranos came across to me through their blurbs on regular TV as too vulgar, or just using vulgarity as a way to lure people into watching the show. So, I didn't watch. I now know that they had an excellent show and may decide to load it up on Netflix when I run out of other shows to watch. I seem to prefer TV series now to individual movies. I have been a bit obsessed with watching them for the past year or so. I usually load them up when I eat. I also watch in the evening when I am too tired to do anything else. My fatigue has helped them and not me. I also think my depression has helped them too. It's much easier to escape into a TV series (a well done TV series) than it is to deal with the "real" world. I am really, really, bored with the real world. No matter how hard I work at it, I am still being buried in bullshit. It all started when my wife got sick and I discovered I could stream movies directly to my new HDTV. Over the years, I had to watch what my wife wanted to watch, and that meant no Chuck Norris! I saw some of the teasers for "24", but since I got up at 4am most days, I couldn't stay up late enough to see it. After hearing about one particular episode, I couldn't figure out how they could detonate a nuke and still keep the show going. So, I vowed to watch the series from the beginning to see how they did it. Way back in the stone age, if you missed a show, you were out of luck. When re-runs came out, it was great, but there were many shows you couldn't see because they decided they weren't worth it financially to re-run. Now, you have access to many of the shows, good or bad, that you missed. There were many shows that I considered excellent, or at least worth watching again, that I am glad I got to see. So, I started escaping.
I made a list of shows I wanted to see all the way through, and set about doing just that. I still haven't loaded up the Sopranos, but I'll get to them. My favorite books to read back when I was a kid, were science fiction. Heinlein was my all time favorite, and I have been blessed to be able to claim I have read everything he ever had published. When I found an author I liked, I would search out all of their books and set about reading them all. I did the same thing with music and record albums. My mind is filled with adventures that I will never get even close to experiencing. Real life is boring. Real life is painful and sad. It is not exciting. When the Scifi channel came about on cable, I thought "Yippie!". I was disappointed. Their first efforts were so bad it was laughable. Over time, however, they have improved their programming, and actually brought out some very good material. It wasn't all space monsters, or unbelievable natural disasters. "Warehouse 13" is a great show. It lead me to do a bit of surfing and I found a show called "Heroes" which is among my favorites. I just finished "Lost". It was a long series that was written like a video game with all kinds of obstacles, and lots of intrigue, whatever that is! It kept my interest and I'm sad that it ended. It actually ended several times, with resolutions to the character's problems coming, but the show went on anyway. It kept me guessing, and I liked that.
"Life on Mars" was a short series that reeled me in after a very slow start. It was under 20 episodes, and I was concerned that they would just leave the story hang instead of finally revealing the secret to the plot. They did resolve it, however, and I am satisfied. Another thing that I have been doing for many years, and I really should write a whole post just on this topic (maybe I will), is this: The first year after we married in 1977, I went through a period of time where I almost lost my wife to her cancer. It was a very rough time for us. I dealt with it by going through a very strong period of depression. I realized I couldn't go back home, and I would be lost without my wife by my side. I was lost and alone in my feelings. So, I decided to examine every portion of my life and see what I needed to do about it. Everything I was used to doing during my daily routines was examined.

• When I got up in the morning, what did I do first and why? Was there a different way to do it? Was there a better way to do it? These were the kinds of things I looked at.
• How did others handle life, and can I learn anything from them? I have always been a voyeur in that sense. I am not interested in looking into bedroom windows, rather, I want to see how people do things. Crowd watching has always been a favorite pastime for me.
• Could I do anything to change my life for the better?
• Did I really need everything I owned? I did a lot of clearing out of clutter back then, even though my wife did the opposite. I found my mind cleared up with fewer material things in my possession. Of course, I had things I couldn't part with, and things I had to keep for various other reasons.
• Why did I buy the car that I bought?
  
• Why did I want more things and better things?
• What did I learn from my parents? Did they have all the answers?
  

And the list went on. So, I've found it very helpful to me now to return to those days of examination to determine what I need to live, and what I can do without, or with less. For example:

• I love HDTV and the new access to all the great shows. I have found them useful in my recovery. But, I can see myself getting rid of the TV and the extreme expense of Netflix and Cable and not missing it.
• I love computer access. I am still not sure if I can do without Facebook, email, and the vast database of the Internet. Rather, I wonder if I can survive by going to a wifi spot rather than being connected all the time? The cost of TV, Netflix, and the Internet could drop my yearly expenses by quite a bit. I would still have my computer, but I would probably have to sell it and get another type of portable machine to communicate. I still have two printers (one is an all in one that I haven't used), but I wonder if I even need those.
• Phone? I got rid of my house phone and don't miss it, but could I go back to a bare bones basic cell phone?
  
• I have been seriously considering quitting music altogether. I have about $5,000 worth of equipment that I couldn't get $5,000 for. I would take a loss, but wouldn't have to deal with all the gizmos and gadgets. My music has been with me all of my life and I wonder how big of a step it would be if I sold everything and gave it up. This one question is the biggest one I have to consider.
• How will I make a living? This one has so many variables, that I can either just go out and get a job, or go through them and end up being happy with what I do for a living. The first way is the easiest, and probably the most practical. The second is really what I should do and by far the hardest thing I would ever do in my life.

So, there I go.

• I lost my kids to moving out.
• I lost my Father and Mother.
• I lost all of my grandparents.
• I lost my wife and her whole family.

And...

• I lost weight and have kept it off.
• I gained my life back again.
• I now have choice available to me.

So, what do I do next?

• I have to keep moving forward, no matter how strange it is.
• I have to keep looking for answers, no matter what I find.
• I have to make decisions for myself and no one else.
• I have to live life, no matter what it brings.
  
• I have to believe I am here for a reason, even if I am just a placeholder. So, I have to keep on moving.

I will keep on writing about my journey through life as long as it's relevant to me.

The Pain! The Pain!

I try to follow a general pattern because I've done it all before.
I do this with my food intake since I no longer have anyone around me that I have to please, except myself.
So, I showed up around 7:30am, which is late for me. I usually get there around 7am., but the past few years, I have been working with an amazing partner who has been organizing things to make it much more efficient to get things done.
He showed up around 8am. During the time I was there alone, I received help from some of the stronger people there. They helped me to carry the sound system out to the stage.
The canopy we use behind the stage as well as the table were already there.
When I first started doing East Petersburg Day years ago, things were much different. I did much of the work myself. I got help from a few very helpful people, but much of the grunt work was mine from beginning to end as far as the stage was concerned. There were also many restrictions which have since been removed, so things have gotten easier, if you can call a 12 hour + day easy.
So, with that work out of the way, I assisted with the cables for the speakers, and set up my DJ outfit. Then, we were able to start playing music over the sound system to entertain the workers while we waited for the crowds to show up.
I used to pick and choose each song, but have stopped doing that for the most part. I now run two CDs, one for the left player and one for the right. I just let them play while I help with other things.
We walk the entire park to make sure the sound is everywhere.
We take pictures, as you can see above.
We talk to as many vendors as we can to make sure they have what they need. We also gather information about them so we can tell the people about them. This is part of what they pay for. I try to give as positive and informative information on the microphone about each and every vendor at our event.
To be a bit selfish, I decided a few years ago to patronize everyone who advertised in the ad book as I could. I used many of the services offered. My landscaping work, plumbing, etc. were all from advertisers and vendors. Even my Chiropractor was a vendor at East Petersburg Day a few years ago.
As the day goes on, I did the MC work, introducing the Police Honor guard, the singer of the National Anthem, and the Mayor. I did all the other announcements throughout the day. We had several events going on at the same time, and it sometimes got confusing, but I don't think anyone is going to shoot me for forgetting them.
It started to rain just as the Lititz Academy of Dance came on to do their thing, but they kept dancing in the cold rain and mud, and the crowd stayed to watch them. Many people had umbrellas, surprisingly, even though the weatherman said there was only a light chance of precipitation.
I had a chair that I got to use only a few times. Mainly I was on my feet the whole day. I had trouble climbing up the stairs onto the stage and only did that when I absolutely had to. I probably took about a dozen trips up and down. The Crestor makes me hurt when I'm actually going up and down the stairs, but it doesn't linger. So today, even though I am tired, I am not overly sore. Now, if I had to go up the stairs again...

Since I am the one with the camera, I usually don't get the chance (or want to) to have my picture taken. I did ask Ken to take one picture of me and he did a good job. Of course, I was sitting in the chair at the time!

It's 4:05 pm right now, and I am resisting taking a nap because I know I'll sleep until 9 tonight and then be awake all night. I went food shopping this afternoon, and will take it easy the rest of the day, even though I should cut the lawn.

I spent some time this morning uploading pictures and videos to Facebook as well as making comments to make sure everyone I could think of was mentioned that contributed to the success of the event. I did not get to take pictures of the opening ceremony since I was onstage, and I didn't attend the teen dance, which was after the fireworks. I parked the car across the way at the church, and had to walk all the way around with very sore knees since they had the short cut blocked because of the fireworks.

They had activities for dog lovers too that I didn't get to see. It was raining and they were on the other side of the park under the pavilion.

There was one picture I didn't take which was a group shot at the carousel. Since I was in it, I couldn't take it. It will be on Facebook soon. The fire company also took several photos of the park from the top of their ladder truck. I hope to see those pictures too.

Tomorrow is the time I will start my new plan. Let's see what really happens....