Part three

There are good days now and bad days. The problem for me is that I am existing on about 40% of the energy level of what I was before, so both good and bad require me to waste so many hours. I spend many hours just sitting, waiting for some horrible pain and discomfort to go away so I can get something done.

I think a lot, and I am at peace. I have made practical plans for my upcoming death, although I hope to not have to use those plans for quite a long time. But, I don't really want to suffer and be totally useless while I am still alive. I would rather be productive.

There are so many things I would like to do, but for whatever reason have never done. I guess you could call it a "bucket list".

So where am I right now?

Well, every time I make progress, there seems to be a setback. The current event is that they have decided to delay treatment until they determine if the spot that they found on my liver is cancerous. They haven't told me what they will do if it is cancerous, but I can imagine that this will affect my clinical treatment. Let me tell you the 3 types of treatment they chose for me:

1. Radiation therapy - with the new technology, they can guarantee that I won't contract another form of cancer with it. This makes it much better than the old way. My wife died from being over treated by radiation. They concentrate the radiation on the area they want, and only zap that area. The surrounding area does get small amounts, but not enough to make a difference unless I were to live to be about 140. The treatment takes about 5 to 10 weeks, and is a daily dose with monitoring 5 days a week. The side effects are minimized, but there are still side effects.
2. Chemo therapy - Since pancreatic cancer has a nasty habit of coming back, as well as spreading without notice, and radiation is localized, chemo covers the rest of the body. Again, it has been refined to cause as little damage as possible. Suffice it to say that if I wanted to have more kids, I would have to donate sperm before the treatment begins. This is also a fairly long term treatment.
3. Clinical trial treatment - They are into "phase 3", which means, they have had success with the treatment (yes, it's still experimental) and have already determined what dosage to use as well as when and how to administer it. Phase 4 is the final stage before it gets submitted for FDA approval. They have had great success with this treatment, with little or no side effects. Tested on 5 people as an example, 4 benefited from it, and the fifth succumbed to the cancer due to their being too far gone already. I volunteered for the treatment and was accepted, but may be dropped depending on the outcome of tomorrows MRI.

They vary treatment based on the data they have as well as their gut feeling, basically an educated guess. My treatment would be a 3-parter, or a sandwich approach. I would start with chemo, switch over to radiation at some point, or it would overlap if they figured I could handle it, and then go back to finish up with chemo.

Since the clinical treatment hasn't been approved yet, it wouldn't be a part of the treatment, but would be incorporated separately during the treatment. There is an indication that the clinical treatment is a cure, but they still have to do the other therapy. It is called a vaccine that strengthens the immune system to fight the cancer on it's own. If it works as they say it does, it will make chemo and radiation therapy obsolete for pancreatic cancer.

So, the waiting game ends probably in two days, since it takes time to process the test results. They did promise speed in the upcoming treatment, but they may also tell me that things have progressed too far and all they can do now is to put me into palliative care. If they decide to do something, it would be to take part of my liver out and hope that I survive. The liver does grow back given time, but with everything else that has happened, I don't know what to expect.

I have gone through this process for only 6 months of my entire 57 years, but it feels as if I have never experienced anything other than this pain and discomfort.

No matter. I would still go through the weight loss surgery again, if I had to. It was so much easier than a Whipple. 

My weight has dropped to 186 as of this morning. Food is starting to taste better.I still have to be careful because some of the food going in, doesn't work so well coming out. 

I can now drink more crystal lite than before, and like tea again. Coffee works too in moderation.

My vitamin intake has suffered but I was told not to worry too much. I still try to get my calcium, iron, and multivitamins on a regular basis.

Stay tuned.

Part two.

In addition to the "Whipple" procedure, the team at HUP did some other interim work and that helped me to feel a little better.

After the Whipple which took about 6 hours and required them to cut me open across my diaphragm, I was in a lot of pain and much discomfort. Since they had joggled my insides, my bowels were blocked up and I didn't go for a full week. When I did, it was painful and very uncomfortable. This feeling continued for almost a month afterwards.

Food tasted terrible and no matter what I ate, it felt horrible once inside me. This problem went on for the entire time of my recovery.

They told me they were sending me home and that I needed a caretaker, so I asked my daughter if she could find someone. She did, but when I went home, she told that that person had changed their mind and went on vacation instead.

On a side note, during the month before I went into the hospital, I had sold my home. I had lived there for 20 years and raised my kids, dogs and cats. This place really was home to me, but since my wife had died in 2010, it no longer felt right to be there. I listed it for sale 2 days before Christmas last year, and it sold to a young couple just starting out. I had done as much as I could to bring the place back into shape, including painting everything neutral colors, landscaping the yard, and other work inside the place. I left the kitchen and bathroom alone which would have cost me quite a bit to replace. I figured the new owners could do the work themselves to their liking.

I had been packing and getting rid of stuff since my wife got sick and it became obvious that she would never go home again. It was therapeutic for me as well as cathartic. It gave me a chance to go through everything in the house to relive memories both good and bad, as well as decide that I really didn't want to carry all that crap to my next destination.

One other thing is that I needed to make a clean break, so getting rid of the clutter allowed me to start over. It felt good and bad.

Back to the story:

Closing on the property was on the 30th, and my surgery had been on the 20th. I hadn't gotten out of the hospital by then, so I signed over power of attorney to my daughter so she could take care of any problems that occurred. None did, so she had an easy time of it.

I also asked her to move the rest of my stuff into a storage unit. I gave her a list of what I wanted to trash, but she pretty much ignored the list in favor of efficiency and getting the job done quickly. Many things unrelated were thrown into empty boxes, and they were all put into storage. 

I was offline while in the hospital, but had found a decent looking apartment that was close to my bus route before going in, so I asked her to secure it for me, which she did. I also had gotten a friend to help me move stuff around in the storage unit so that I was able to actually put my little red car in between and still close the door. It was amazing to know that all I had left after overfilling a 1200 square foot, 3 bedroom, 1 bath home with full garage....I could fit everything into a 15' by 15' storage unit and still have room for my car!

The hospital released me after holding me for an extra week. They held me because they knew that I had no one to take care of me. I had asked that they send me to a nursing home for recovery, but the insurance company refused to pay for that and I was left fending for myself.

The apartment was/is very nice, but I had gotten rid of all of my furniture. All I had left was a recliner/rocker, a few tables, and a twin mattress that I had bought after getting rid of my king size mattress. 

I had no food in the new place, and no energy to drive to a market to get it. I had little or no clothing. Not because I didn't have it, but because I couldn't take boxes apart to find it. The same went for dishes, silverware, and anything else that one needs to live. I was lucky to find toilet paper which I really needed badly because of my horrible situation.

I was able to go out to a restaurant and got eggs to eat, but was sick for hours afterwards. I bought some stuff at Wawa, but that didn't go down too well either.

My friend from Maryland called me the second day I was home, and heard me tell about how bad things were. He called me back after a few minutes and offered to take me in. His wife is a nurse and knows how to read the medical stuff. I have never felt good about doing something like that, but was desperate. So, after thinking about it for a few minutes, I called him back and we spoke about all the things I would need and how inconvenient it would be for him. I wanted to make sure he understood how bad things were for me. He agreed to help me anyway.

He offered to come and get me, but I wanted to make sure I had a vehicle when I got better to drive, so I told him I would try to drive myself. This was really a bad move on my part, but I was able to do it anyway. I traveled the entire 122 miles as carefully as I could. When I got there, I was unable to get out of the car without help. It took a few minutes for me to climb the stair into his house. I was able to recline on his over sized couch and that's where I stayed for an entire week. I didn't have the energy to climb the stairs to the bedroom. I didn't have my cpap machine downstairs, so I slept fitfully the entire week, but I slept. I hadn't gotten any decent sleep in the hospital because every two hours they wake you to do vitals or some other thing. This place was quiet and I was able to sleep whenever I needed.

They went shopping for me and bought me food that they though I would need, and I ate what I could, but a lot of stuff went to waste because what I ate one day, didn't always work the next.

I ate a lot of saltines. I ate waffles with peanut butter too. I could tolerate that almost all the time.

My bathroom breaks were timed when no one else was around because the disease made everything so foul that no one needed to be around it.

I hadn't shaved while I was in the hospital, but my hair had slowed down, so it wasn't so bad. I didn't have the energy or concentration to shave, or even shower. But, I had stopped sweating, so if you didn't get too close...

I managed to take a shower one day while my caretakers were out, and I shaved and that wiped me out for the rest of the day. Towards the end of the first week, they asked me if I needed help going upstairs, and I said I would try to make it myself carefully. They moved my stuff upstairs, and I managed to make the climb. The bed was heaven! I hooked up the CPAP machine, and lay down and was out!

I slept like a baby. I came downstairs after that in order to eat or watch TV. They put a chair out on the porch and once the weather got warmer, I was able to go and sit in the sun. That was heaven too. They are on the bay, so watching the different birds, seeing and hearing the boats, was great.

One day, I got directions to a Subway, I went and got a sub. It was terrible, but at least I went out.

I made progress, but it was very slow and I am not patient. I was frustrated, but I had to take what I had been given. 

These folks should be nominated for sainthood! They saved my life. I really believe I would have died if not for them.

I was able to connect to their network and got back online. I made contact with some friends who were closer to my home area, and they offered to take me in. I accepted their offer, and was able to make the drive to their home that Saturday. I thanked my friends for taking me in, and since I had learned what I needed from the first couple, was able to streamline things with the second, making it a bit easier for them.

They were able to travel with me back and forth to the storage unit where we moved some of the stuff to the new apartment, little by little. We also re-arranged some of the stuff, making it easier for me to find stuff.

The lady rode with me one day, and we went through boxes and arranged my new kitchen so I could find stuff. She also took stuff off the very top shelf, and lowed them down so I could reach them.

One day, she went with me to Wal*Mart so that I could do some food shopping. I was able to make it halfway through the food aisle before I got too tired and had to go back home. She came back with me the next day and we finished shopping.

My male friend traveled with me to Philly for my follow up appointment, and spent most of the time sitting in a waiting room. What a trooper!

Their home is log, which is absolutely beautiful. It sits at the top of a very steep driveway, and is very far out in the country. I spent hours just sitting at the window looking out. I didn't watch much TV, and the internet was not available to me, so I spent much time thinking and calming down.

We were also able to spend time every night saying prayers.

I lost track of time there, so I'm not sure how long I stayed, but I was able to decide that it was time to try to live on my own, and I got up one morning and did just that. 

We will talk about the present in my next post.

Long break! Part One.

Facebook has allowed me to stay in touch with almost everyone, but I still like to write things down in a longer form, so I am going to add at least this one more post.

Since I've been gone, the blog designers have decided to complicate the writing process in an effort to "improve" things. They need to leave it alone, but of course they won't ever do that.

The purpose of the blog is to write things down for myself and others to read. If I wanted to illustrate a book, I'd do that. All I want to do is write, not draw, paint, or design!

OK, the last time I wrote something here, I was a bit confused. I had started to lose weight, but I wasn't dieting anymore. My bowel movements had started to change and were causing me concern.

I was tired, and my dietician told me I needed to increase my iron intake. So, I started taking iron pills daily, and then up to 3 times a day. This didn't slow my weight loss or my fatigue and to top it off, I started to itch. 

I have read many things over the years about medical conditions, but had never run across a set of symptoms like this. I had recently changed family doctors, and wasn't really happy with the new guy. He had no concept of the bariatric obstacles I had to deal with. So, everytime he tried to prescribe something, and I asked him what the coating was on the pill, he wasn't a happy camper.

There is an obsession with doctors today to try to get people to lower their cholesterol to ridiculous levels. I have always had a negative reaction to statin type drugs. They give me joint pain, and flu like symptoms. I am firmly convinced that I wouldn't have gained my weight if I hadn't been taking statins. I couldn't climb stairs. I felt like an old man when taking those pills. So, I wasn't going to even "try" the new statins that just came out. The doctor didn't like that.

Now, I've tried many other treatments for lowering cholesterol, but decided not to bother anymore and again, doctors don't like that.

So, when I started to have these crazy symptoms, I held off as long as I could before going to this guy. I figured he would send me over for endless tests and just tell me I had a virus and give me more pills.

Well, after he interviewed me, he did send me over to the hospital for tests. I decided to try the new hospital since my bariatric surgeon had transferred over. I had no idea what was about to happen.

I have never been treated so poorly in all my life. I was in fear of losing my life there. I was submitted to tests after being checked in, and doctors came and told me I had liver disease and needed a transplant. But, they couldn't tell me where the disease came from, what caused it, or what to expect.

The people who took my blood for tests couldn't get a "stick" when they went for an IV or taking tubes of blood, and in all the years I've been around, I've always been an easy stick. 
There were two times while I was in their hospital where I wasn't fed for two days, and I wasn't given liquids, or even an IV to rehydrate me. 

I did have a visit from the bariatric surgeon who told me I probably needed to have my gall bladder out, but when I told the head doctor that, he just brushed it off.

Then, without any notice, after a week, they sent me home with orders to contact the doctor in about two weeks for a follow up. No mention of the liver failing, or anything else.

I went home feeling totally drained. I was still sick and still had no idea what was wrong. I thought that needing a liver transplant would be a fairly serious thing. But, they just sent me home.

After thinking about my options, I decided I needed help, and another opinion. I spoke with my bariatric surgeon and begged him to find me a doctor that could help me find out what was wrong and fix it. He got back to me and set me up for an appointment the next day with a local surgeon from the "other" hospital.

That surgeon referred me to another doctor who had more experience with diagnosis. 

That doctor reviewed my chart and gave me 3 options:

1. I could go to Hershey where they have more experience with liver disease and transplants.
2. I could go to University of Penn in Philadelphia where they have even more experience.
3. I could go to Baltimore's John's Hopkins where they have similar experience to Philly.

I chose Philadelphia because it is closer to my original home. This doctor took out his cell phone and called a doctor at the hospital and scheduled an appointment for me.

I had to have help getting to Philly because I wasn't in good shape and it was a long drive. I had a friend pick me up who was familiar with the area and he drove me.

After seeing me, the doctor decided I needed to be tested again right away. She arranged for me to enter the hospital, where there was no delay. I don't think I spent more than a few minutes in my room before they took me down for tests. They poked and prodded me. They asked me more questions than I can remember.

The hospital was old, but the team there was amazing.

My medical numbers were so far off what was considered normal as to be surreal.

Cholesterol was 650. I am usually around 250-300.

My blood sugar was so far off that they started giving me insulin and taught me how to inject myself. I thought I would have to be on insulin for the rest of my life. The numbers were so far off.

I was still itching and they told me I had jaundice, which was causing the itching.

After a week, they too sent me home, but this time, I had a diagnosis. It wasn't good, and it scared me to death.

I had a tumor on my pancreas. I had never even heard of a pancreas, but when I looked it up, things got much worse. This was one of the worst diseases I could ever have, according to the websites I saw. I had less than a 5% chance of surviving 5 years.

My doctors told me that if I didn't have the operation they were recommending, I wouldn't live to the end of the year.

So, after losing all that weight from my gastric bypass, losing my wife to cancer, and all the other things that happened to me over the past few years, I was given a death sentence.

To say I was angry was an understatement. I had no one to be angry with. There was nothing I had done to contract this disease. You don't get it by smoking, and I didn't smoke anyway. I also don't drink. So, where did it come from?

So now, you will have to wait until I have the energy to write some more because this entry is finished for now. Stay tuned.

Falling Punkin seeds!

I agreed to do a "Drop your pants" event for the WLS support group as a DJ.
I am not charging them for the event and don't really feel ready to do something as a DJ, but I'm going to do it none the less.
I have gone through so many changes in the past year or so, that my head is spinning.
I am not the same man I was a year ago, or even a few months ago.
I still have flaws, including the inability to say "no" when asked to do something I don't really want to do. It will be a long night. I will have to carry, set up and tear down my system, and find the energy to do it and stay upbeat the whole time. This is not to say that I won't do my best, but I'm not really up to par at this sort of thing.

I've spent hours and hours, days and days, weeks and weeks, working on my house. I've kept it in the front of my mind for all this time. I go through rooms in my head while I'm driving the bus and I work on ideas to fix things, improve things, etc. , until I am so worn out. I am obsessed with getting this place sold, and making sure it's up to my standards. I am finding it difficult to walk away from it.
I also am having trouble not changing my mind and taking it off the market.


My weight has been steady. I haven't gained or lost anything in about a year. I did lose 3 or 4 pounds the last time I weighed in, and I will continue to do that, but I am now pretty much where I will be for the rest of my life, unless I become more active.
My energy level has also improved, although it's been much lower than I would like it to be.
I am not depressed per the definition, clinically. The number of changes in my life justify any feelings I've been experiencing for the past two years or so.
I am finished mourning, but still remember things to this day. I will always remember what happened, and will never get over it.

I started the other blog and realized that the act of starting it was an accomplishment in itself. Because of this, I haven't written anymore of it. Funny how that works....

New blog

I started the new blog, but didn't advertise it because I didn't want it to be very public.
It turned into something I didn't expect and I want to follow it to see where it goes. It will be a place I can express myself and my opinions at that particular time, without worrying who's feet I step on.
If it goes public, it may not be so popular. That's OK. I explained in the very first post that I need a place that I can unload my ideas, no matter how crazy, in order to quiet the voices in my head and allow me to think a little more clearly.
My first post was more of a list of rules for the blog, and a series of disclaimers. They seem to be very important in today's world.
So, I hope it stays private and I hope it helps me.

I am not sure I mentioned here, but I decided to make a list of ingredients that are in the WLS for dummies book and start trying the recipes one after another in order to find new things to eat and to regain control over my weight again.

I am having trouble with energy levels, and the surgeon and his team haven't been able to offer any suggestions. I still think it's related to the statin pills I took a few months ago. I felt great up until that point. Now, my fingers and joints ache and I can't play my guitar. I talked about all this before.

So, as I continue to move forward in my life, I hope to be able to do so without falling over from exhaustion.

If you are interested in reading my new blog to see what insane ideas I have, let me know in private and I'll think about aiming you in the right direction. Email:

imovitz@aol.com

New Year revolution?

I am trying to decide whether it would be worth my time and energy to start a new blog.
I'm trying to limit this blog to the subject of weight loss surgery, but as you can read, that hasn't happened in the past year or two. You can go back to the archives to see why I started this blog. It was a selfish move on my part. I really thought I had something to offer, and I did.
But now, I no longer feel like a weight loss surgery patient. I have gone through so much change that it's time to wean myself from this blog and start something new.
The problem is that most blogs concentrate on one subject. I feel like a politician sometimes: You know, when a reporter asks a politician a question, and they go off on some tangent and say what they want, rather than staying on topic?

Being eclectic in my thoughts and wanting to write them down here messes up the original purpose of this particular blog.

Is there such thing as a catch all type of blog, where I can just say what's on my mind? I'm sure there is something like that.

I may come back here once in awhile because I am still a WLS patient, even if I don't feel like it anymore.

I'll set up a reference to my new blog here in case you want to cruise over and see what's on my mind. I can promise nothing at this point.

I use this blog for a number of reasons, many of them as a way of procrastinating from doing some of the things I should be doing instead.

Happy New Year!

Dream building

This was one of those terms from high pressure sales training. The idea was to drive around, or look through magazines, or watch TV, etc. and find the things that you thought you couldn't afford, but wanted.

A big fancy house, a new car, toys, jewelry. Whatever would motivate you to ignore all of the pitfalls of selling, and concentrate on buying something that was supposed to make you happy.

Then, you would find a picture of your "dream" car or house, and post it somewhere that you could see it anytime you wanted.

In other words, dream building was doing what you had to do in order to make your dreams come true.

The problem I found with using this type of motivation, was that I was not motivated by greed.

Even if I had the money to buy a Mercedes Benz, I wouldn't buy it. 

Now, I found out that there were some things I wanted, and I've already gotten most of them. But, I've never gotten to do the things I really wanted to do. So, I'm going to list some of those things here and see what happens:

In no particular order.

1. I want to learn how to fly, and actually continue to fly after I finish learning how.
2. I want to play my guitar again, and work with some great musicians again.
3. I want to write some songs. I want to record those songs and I want people to listen to them and like them.
4. I want to be able to buy and play a Hammond Organ with Leslie speaker. I would love to play in a club somewhere.
5. I want to finish my amplifier project. Currently, it is on hold until my friend gets settled into his new apartment.
6. I want to see Israel.
7. I want to be able to take the time and have the money to drive across the United States. Then, I want to be able to drive through Mexico and Canada.
8. I want to see Hawaii, and maybe live there for a little while.
9. I want to design something that everyone finds useful.
10. I want to either write myself or have ghostwritten for me, my books. I have several ideas and would like them to become a reality.

These things for the most part, are selfish things. I didn't add anything that I wanted for my kids or grand kids, and those things will remain in my head and not here on a public blog.

My basement work is finished for now. I will not go down there to work, except to finish a few loose ends.

My next projects are to iron and smooth out the curtains upstairs. I may install a few more rods, and may even go out and get more curtain panels. There are some other projects here that will require physical effort rather than mental and I will tackle them over the next few weeks.

I wanted to start looking online at Florida, but didn't get to that yet. I took some walks instead to think about what it was that I really wanted to do in order to focus my efforts in the right direction. I think I have a clearer picture now.

My visit with the Bariatric team today went well. I lost about 3 pounds since last month and that is where I want to be. I noticed some of my clothing was easier to wear. Walking, carrying boxes, climbing the stairs, and keeping myself busy to keep from eating helped a lot. The doctor ordered a few blood tests to make sure my fatigue wasn't an indication of something more serious. I also got an RX for a B-12 shot. I always liked the way I felt after getting one of those years ago. I would like to see an increase in my energy level again.

My pain in my hand may not be so easy to get rid of. The doctor seems to think it might be related to my years of playing guitar, but I am not so sure. His solution might work too, and I will think about it but won't write it here. Right now, my fingers are frozen, even though the temperature here is 70 degrees. It's not poor circulation.

So, one more day until the end of 2011. I still here people saying "two thousand eleven". I wonder how long it will be until they go to the abbreviation and say "twenty eleven"?

Happy New Year!

Tired, but truckin!

Da love seat! Wanna buy it?

The hand made water bed. 7 drawers underneath, with a book case headboard. All made of Poplar with a cherry stain. It was constructed so that none of the pieces were wider than 2 feet. This makes it very easy to take apart for moving. The Blanket was made by my wife while waiting for my son to arrive back in 1985.

Da Couch to go with da loveseat!

I was looking online at the photos of the house that the agent took. To me, they look terrible. I hate bringing it up, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to. I can't imagine selling the house after seeing those pictures. Google 6294 High Street, East Petersburg and you will find it listed among multiple companies.

The guy's camera turned up the worst color I've ever seen in a photograph. He staged the rooms very nicely, but he also took all the wrong angles, bringing out the worst in the house.
The problem is also that I am living in the place and haven't been able to do everything I need to do in order to make the place look perfect.

Oh well.

Monday and Tuesday, I was working on the basement area. I was able to empty the back section of the storage area. I repacked all of the boxes there, getting rid of 3 more 45 gallon bags of trash. I now have about 5 full size boxes ready to bring upstairs to be stored until I move. I have several smaller boxes too that were labelled and packed. I cleaned the areas that I cleared and got rid of old boxes and stuff that had that "musty" odor of the basement in them. That improved the aroma nicely, although I now have to get those boxes off the porch or that room will soon smell as bad as the basement. See the problem? I am only one person. When I ran out of energy yesterday, I had taken numerous trips up and down the stairs, but hadn't gotten everything moved for the trash. I just transported it to the porch until I had more energy. I guess I need to be 35 or 40 years younger to do it all!

I took the photos and paintings off the wall upstairs as well and boxed them. The walls are bare! UGH!

I found a box full of stamps, postcards, and albums of stamps and postcards. I took an hour to sort through and pull the ones that had writing on them. Some of them date back to 1900 and are from my wife's family. It seems that they travelled a lot and as they did, they sent these postcards for the kids to collect. Well, my wife collected them! There must be 2000+ cards there! For some reason, they thought that collecting stamps would be a great idea and investment, so she has cancelled stamps from all over the world and all throughout time. I'll bet I could find a stamped postcard that Jesus sent if I looked hard enough. My daughter decided she wanted the postcards, and as a bonus, I will give her the whole huge box of other stuff too. No, I didn't find an upside down stamp of the Wright Brothers first flight. Maybe I missed it?

I decided to try to give away my TV system to my daughter. I don't want to waste money when I re-locate on sitting and watching the damn thing. I am too addicted to it as it is. I love the thing, but have caught up on almost all of the TV series I missed in the last 20 years or so. The movies today are good, but I don't need to see them in order to be a better person. I can keep up with the news through the internet, and I plan to upgrade my phone next year anyway.

I emptied out some of the frozen food over the holiday. My son and his family now have sausage and butter. I did plan to take the freezer, but now am not sure. I may be able to change my eating habits so that the freezer in a refrigerator will suffice.

At this point, I am concerned that there won't be anyone at my destination that will be able to help me unpack the truck, so I want to get rid of anything that I can't carry myself. All of the boxes are just fine, but furniture may be a problem. I was planning on buying a mattress when I got down there, and not worrying about a real bed. That means I still have to get rid of the king size waterbed I have now. My music equipment is also small enough for me to move myself, even though there is a lot of it.

I have long been a fan of keeping things simple, but haven't been able to do anything about it until now. If I stay in this house, I will continue to get rid of almost everything but what I need. I hate clutter. It's too hard to clean around clutter. I understand how things accumulate, especially after observing how my grandkids got inundated this Christmas with presents from all fronts, not just me. My kids don't have anywhere to go with all the stuff. My daughter's garage is now housing boxes floor to ceiling with little room for the car. My son is living in a single wide trailer with 4 kids.

I have an almost empty house, and if I don't sell it, I will stay right where I am. That is one of my plans. If the house doesn't sell, I can stay here and get a job to pay for expenses. If I live bare bone basic, I can keep costs down and use this place as a base, and travel when I want without worry. I may fix the place up, but it will be on my terms.

3 of my plans require me to move out of this area, by the way. 2 of the plans require me to stay local. One of the plans is the right one for me, but there may be a variation based on reality.

The easiest plan is to stay put. I can get a full time job to pay the bills and become a working stiff. The mortgage payment is low enough here for me to want to stay. I couldn't live in an apartment for much less without giving up a lot of freedom.

I won't bother posting the other 4 plans here. They are well thought out, but who knows what will happen?

What's next?

Time off?

Jackson and me

Jazlynn trying out her new lipstick!

Lillian and me!

The for sale sign has gone up.

M&T Bank Stadium in Baltimore, MD.

My phone isn't as new as it could be. I will wait until next year to get an Iphone. So, my pictures are OK, but not great. My battery was also low, so I only took 4 pictures of the stadium.

My friends and bus riders came over on Friday and dropped off the perfect sized boxes for me to use for packing. They had a dozen large, but not too large, and a series of smaller boxes. I put them together on Friday afternoon. I was able to put all of my album collection into several smaller boxes. This made them very easy to carry instead of loading them into large boxes. I gave away one of the boxes of albums that I know I won't listen to. Probably about 35 albums there. That still leaves about 150 so I won't run out of music anytime soon.

Saturday, I did something I have never done before. It took all of my effort to do it, because I am just not into change and I felt some real nervousness and fear of the unknown. I knew I would be OK, but I didn't know what to expect from myself. I know the last time I tried to take some time for myself, I had a panic attack and it ruined my weekend. I wasted a lot of money too.

This time, however, I was OK. My friend had two tickets to the Raven's game, and his wife didn't want to go, so he sold one to me. I split fuel and paid for the ticket, and we had a ball. I froze my ass off, but it was still fun. I don't know if I will ever do it again, but now I know I can, and that makes it OK. I ate well, and was able to take my vitamins on time because I carried them with me. Never the less, I was exhausted by the time I got home and I went right to bed and slept about 14 hours. Climbing the stairs to the top level and then coming down and back up a few times along with the cold took it out of me.

Sunday, I took a drive to York and then on to MD. to see all the grandkids and give them their presents from me. I got lots of hugs and probably some germs too, but that's OK. I have a week off to recover. I slept well again last night. But, I did have to get up once around 1am to solve a problem that I had been working on. The solution just came to me and I knew that if I didn't do it right then, I might forget it by the morning. Strange how that works.

So far, during this particular vacation, I have been able to pace myself and stay on track in order to get a lot finished. I worked steadily this morning and throughout the day. I was up and down the stairs numerous times, and collected 3 bags of trash as well as cleared out a whole section of stuff in the back of the basement. I will be taking pictures as I go. I vacuumed the darkroom, and put down some more baking soda to absorb more odors. The windows are open and the fan is running, so that will take some more of the "basement" aroma away. Less dust, fewer smelly books and newspapers, pictures, paintings and other assorted stuff wrapped, labelled and boxed.

As I've said before, this whole situation is throwing out some mixed emotions. I hate getting rid of my wife's stuff. But, I refuse to carry stuff that I will never look at of have a use for. There is a lot of stuff that I am giving to my wife's relatives so they can store them until they dissolve, but things that I know have no monetary or sentimental value, are being trashed. Either way, I will never have to see or think about that stuff again.

I have a blanket chest filled with thousands of pictures, and other memories, and that will be what I give to my kids when I am gone. I may or may not look at the stuff in that chest, who knows?

Regardless, it feels very good to know that the things I take with me when I leave here will be what I want to take with me. There were too many years of moving boxes that we never opened. I can now safely say that I have opened every single one of those boxes. I've looked at everything, and thrown away tons of stuff, but kept all the memories in my heart and head.

Oh, I've lost a few pounds the past few weeks. Not enough to notice, but my long johns fit better. I will continue to adapt myself to the new life I have chosen and hope I am allowed to slowly move forward.

Movement forward

The house is really starting to look better. I am feeling as if a weight has been lifted, yet I know that this is temporary and things will probably go sour soon. This is not my hope, it's a fact. I've been doing some things and leaving others alone. I just can't seem to do it all.
The important stuff is being left behind, and I just can't keep up.

The Christmas holiday is a week away. Then, I have to plan to take my trip to Florida in preparation for my move.

I have several back up plans, and things should work out if I don't run out of available money.

I've accomplished so much. I wonder if I will ever be finished?

Oh well, bring it on. I'm ready for the next thing, whatever that may be.

I can't make music

I woke up at 3am with my mind in full swing. The negative part of me was in a panic. The positive side was still sleeping.
This happens a lot. I wake up too early, and have to calm my mind down in order to get enough sleep.
This morning, I decided to get up and do something instead of just lying there feeling sorry for myself.
I made a decision that is causing the panic and have been making decisions like that for a few months now.
I decided to sell the house and move to Florida. I have no idea where in Florida, just that I want to go there. They have music, and other jobs that I can do. I may not have to drive a bus anymore. That alone would make me happy. But, I have nagging questions that keep popping up at 3am. They threaten to make me go off the deep end. 3am is a terrible time to be alone.

The questions that keep challenging me:

How much stuff do I need to live?
How little do I need to live?
Will I be damned to Hell if I throw something out?
Will my wife come back and haunt me if I throw something of hers out?
Will my kids disown me if I throw something out?

These are all irrational questions during the day, but not at 3am.
Some people can live with no possessions at all. But in America, the one with the most toys wins!

This works in weight loss too. If I don't eat hearty, does that mean I'm living in squalor or poverty? Am I less than human if I eat what I should, and not be gluttonous?

So, the unknown journey begins for me. Oh, I've been down this road before, but never by myself.
There are some things I have that for some reason, I don't see. I pass by them thinking that they are important and should be left alone.

• I have a black and white photo of my father in law. It is in a frame, and hung on the wall years ago when he lived here. Now, it sits in the basement on a back shelf. For some reason, every time I go past it, I put it aside rather than throw it away or store it in some box to be dealt with at a later time. There are many things like that here.
  

This week, starting right now, I am going to start filling trash bags with stuff like that and throw it all away. Maybe in a thousand years, some archaeologist will dig it up and think it is an important find, but for now, it's just another thing I don't need to carry with me.

I have a junk man that comes around when I call. He will take anything I need to be gotten rid of. I also still have 100 or more 45 gallon bags that I can take to the curb after I fill them up. I don't know if I can fill them all, but when I leave here, it all has to be gone and I don't want to take it with me.


My daughter has taken a pile of stuff, and now has no time or desire to take any more of it. My son has no interest at all. My wife's relatives have told me they want some things, and I have them separated for them, but if they don't come get them, they aren't going to get them. I will call them this week.

So, after all this time of collecting "stuff", the time has come to let it all go. I don't need anything that has been stored in a box or on a shelf in the basement since 1992.
I've scoured Ebay, and Craigslist to see if any of it has value. None of it does.
The musty odor of old books will soon be gone from the basement. The books upstairs have fared better because it is dryer and warmer. But, many of them will not go with me either. I've read them all at least once and maybe more than that. I could list them on Amazon and maybe get a few dollars for them, but my time now is too important. I need to work on my new life, and get rid of the old life as fast as I can.
I have sold a lot of stuff and will sell some more before I leave. But some of it isn't worth selling.

• I will be donating 500 hangers to Goodwill. Maybe they can sell them, use them, or give them away.

I'm pulling the bandages off very quickly that have covered wounds that have been there for many years. Yes, it hurts like Hell, but the pain is temporary, I hope.

People are afraid of going crazy, yet, if they go crazy they won't really have anything to worry about. I won't go crazy, but I may suffer a bit more.

Let's see if I can survive this move.

Seriously? A common slang term used today.

Everytime I think I have the grief thing conquered, it comes back to bite me.
My plan was to start packing things up today. I've been planning it all week.
The problem I am having is slowing me down, not stopping me.
I keep finding memories.
I have been going over this in my head. I need to organize things, pack some of it away, throw some of it out. I need to sell some of it, and maybe give some of it away. I think I covered everything.
The problem are the memories.
I didn't remember that I packed a pile of them into drawers of my wife's night stand, and in her drawers under the bed.
Today, I found them.
I have boxes all ready to go. They are just the right size for me to pack, seal, label, and carry without too much trouble. They are just the right size that I can fill them up and not be too heavy. I've seen people pack the really big boxes, and then have them fall apart because they were too heavy. I've learned from my mistakes. My boxes are good, well made boxes!
So, I opened a drawer and found a canvas bag from the funeral home with all the cards from people offering condolences. There were newspaper clippings of when Donna was a child and got her picture in the paper. There were old photos that I totally forgot about.
There was a bag of scarves, hats, and even wig shampoo. There was a knit shawl that someone called a prayer shawl. They made it for her, prayed over it, and gave it to her. She had it with her when she died.
There were cards for many occasions, including some from the grandkids to me. There were pictures made by the grandkids for her that hung in her room at the nursing home.
So, instead of just throwing it all into a box and packing it away, I had to read it all and grieve. It wasn't very time efficient, but it was cathartic.
Now, I'm going to take my afternoon nap, and dig in after I wake up and do it some more.

My holiday will consist of going to see my sister for Thanksgiving. I plan to do some food shopping on Friday, and maybe go out to hear a band if I can find one. I will have to force myself to do that, but I know it will help me to feel better.
I plan to continue to pack things up, clean a bit more, and hope to see some progress by the time I go back to work next week.
I also plan to play the guitar a bit to see if I can find the music in me again. My finger still hurts like crazy, but I will try anyway. Maybe I'll create a new type of music that consists of strumming a chord, then screaming in agony!
My amplifier project is still on hold, but I do have it all lined up for when it gets started again.

My blog title (Life is Good!) isn't helping me too much the past few weeks. I just can't seem to break through to the other side and start climbing up again. But, I'm not giving up... ever.

Delete this post? Nah!

I deleted my last post because it was not what I should be writing about. It was a rant about someones ideas and not mine, and that's not right.
I realized too, that I stopped reading my posts right after I edit and post them. I have been writing this way for a long time. I should re-read them once in awhile just so I can learn from them.
But, most of them recently have been written just to get ideas out of my head so I can move on.

The pain in my finger is still there and this morning when I went out to shred leaves and finish one section of the yard, the pain in my knees and joints became noticeable. In fact, I was able to work through it, but had to readjust my movement to compensate. The pain is just in my joints, and not my muscles. I can tell the difference. I was so tired when I finished, that I came in and took a nap for two hours.

I was planning on taking a walk tonight, but am too sore. I did take a drive this afternoon to enjoy the last bit of sunlight. It gets dark way too early now.

This coming week, I have a very strange bus schedule so I will try to concentrate on starting to pack and organize things that I don't need. I decided the past few days that I am going to make the move whether I am ready or not. Tomorrow, I have an agent coming over to help me decide what to sell the house for.

All of the work I've done should make the sale easier, and I hope to make enough to pay the mortgage and have some left over for the move. One of the things I have thought about is my continued bariatric support. I will try to find a team where I go, but even if I do find that team, I will come back up here once a year for my yearly blood work and checkup. Next year's appointment will mark the 4 year milestone for me.

I am hoping the move will help me to work towards the final 50 pounds. I gained some over the past year that I want to get rid of, and I think becoming more active and working to re-integrate me into society will be the spark I need to burn off the rest of the weight.

So, next week, I will divide my time between taking pictures and posting to Craigslist the furniture I want to sell, and packing things into two piles. One for getting rid of, and one for taking with me when I move.

I really want to try to get rid of almost everything as far as furniture is concerned, because I want to experience the feeling of doing it all again. I have some sentimental stuff that I will keep, such as photographs, but I am going to look through everything and see if I can't just sell it all and start again.

I have a friend who is a believer in the afterlife and she says that my wife's spirit is in some of the furniture and will follow me where ever I go. She tells me that's why I sold both cars last year and bought one that my wife had never been in before. So, if I take my wife's blankets with me, her spirit will follow.

I guess that means that I shouldn't take my mother in laws stuff with me unless I want her to continue to haunt me! :)

Oh, I forgot to mention that I bought a book to read at the suggestion of my dietitian. It's called "Weight loss surgery cook book for dummies". There are actually two books from the dummy collection dealing with WLS. The cookbook is one and the info on the surgery itself is the other.

The cookbook is very interesting. It covers everything from the beginning as far as what you need to know about food and eating. It is a nice refresher since it is very basic and not preachy. I am told that there are lots of good recipes in the second half, but I am still only a few chapters into it. I am reading it slowly so I can remember what I read. I know that there are many different kinds of WLS, but they cover the basics for the 2 most popular, roux en Y and the lap band. They really have standardized the rules for most everyone, so it's a good read.

The pain goes on... venting

I'm too nice a guy to go back and yell at this yahoo doctor for prescribing me a NSAID when I just get finished telling him I can't take them.
Damn!
The pill worked too. It took away the pain for about a day and a half. But, I can't take them without messing up my pouch.
Damn!
He did refer me to the doctor that I needed to be referred to. I am hoping to line up an appointment sometime next week. The bad thing is that he is located in York and it will be tough to make the trip in between bus runs.
I am looking to find out just what is wrong and if there is a way to improve things, or cure it. It is doubtful that the pain can be cured, but I will take whatever I can get. As long as it allows me to play again.

"We were all put here for a reason"

The above statement is a lie. We were put here as part of a grand experiment. We all have different backgrounds and this is an experiment to see how we react to the same problems.
How am I doing so far? You have to ask the Scientist who started the experiment. Personally, I don't think I'm doing all that well.
Oh, I've accomplished a lot of things, but I would like to be a little more cognizant of my surroundings.
I would like to remember things I need to.
I would like to feel something other than a broken heart, anger, disgust, hate, sadness, guilt, and pain. I know I will eventually, but I want things to change now! Of course.

Regardless of all these emotions above, I am making progress. I don't feel these things when it comes to my Bypass surgery. I feel good about that. I don't always follow the schedule, but I am getting better at it. Baby steps?

Did I mention that I hate Daylight savings time and everything related to it? I would rather they leave time alone. It's bad enough that I have to get up every morning at 4:30am. Just leave it alone!

This morning, I got up after watching the heads up display on the ceiling go goofy. It kept changing from 1am to 2am to 3am and back. Whoever was running the national clock didn't get it right until 4 am. I have several battery clocks in the house that I have to manually change.

So, I get up and start working on things. My goal was to install a cheap piece of carpet that I got for the back bedroom. In order to do that, I had to clear out the rest of the music equipment, vacuum the dust and dirt on the floor, and roll out the carpet. I decided to not bother buying any padding for under the carpet. I don't really need it for sale or for playing music. I just need it to cover up the glunk on the floor (glue + gunk). So, here's what I did:

• While I was heating up my breakfast, I took a load of wash down and got it started.
• There was a box on the floor that I tossed down a few days ago. I picked it up and put it where it belonged.
• There were towels in the dryer that were finished a few days ago. I took them upstairs and put them on the bed for folding later.
• The trash can was full so I traded that out. I also took out a few boxes that had been waiting for the next time I went to the trash. Of course, the recycling went out too.
  
• I brought two gallons of water in from the porch. One was to make coffee, the other to make a gallon of crystal lite. By this time, breakfast needed to be warmed up. while running it through the microwave, I turned on the TV and set it up to go to "on demand".
• I ate while watching one of my shows.
• The wash was finished so I went downstairs and transferred it over to the dryer.
• I came back upstairs and did the dishes.
• Then I started a record (Yes) to listen to while clearing out the back bedroom. It took both sides of the album and half of the next album to clear out the back bedroom.
• I ran the vacuum through the whole house and finished up with the now empty back bedroom.

I still have to bring up the now dry wash, fold it along with the towels that are already on the bed, and put it all away.

I took a short break to write this, and may lay down to take a refreshing nap.

I don't know if you know this, but they use a chemical poison to make the carpet stiff and fresh. It makes it look great on the showroom floor, but when you unroll the carpet, it is released into the air. I can't remember if it was arsenic, or formaldehyde, but you should always unroll the carpet with the windows open and leave them open for a day or so to air the place out. I will do that and also put a fan in while closing the door. The carpet is covered with plastic now, until I'm ready to work it. Professional carpet installers get sick over time because of that practice. You might see some of them wearing masks, which is the smart thing to do.

Anyway, when the room is finished, I will return the music equipment and try to do more organization so it's neater. You can't imagine how many cables and cords I have to sort. It's a necessity to have them all because of the variety of connections that need to be made.

I should have the carpet in by this afternoon, and the room ready for the equipment by Tuesday.

The next two weeks, I plan to make plans to do a whole bunch of things. What the great Experimenter in the sky's plans are for me, I don't know.

How crazy is that?

I have been in pain for a long time. Most of the pain was in my heart. Not my physical heart, but the other one. That is the one you can't do anything about but live with it.
To a physician, this looks like depression, but I can tell you that it's not. I know what depression feels like and this isn't it.
I will get over this heart pain soon. I am almost out of the woods.
But, I am allowing myself to feel it for a little bit longer.
I have been contemplating extremes. I always do that when I am working on a problem. This allows me to see each edge of the problem so I can work on it and solve it completely.
An variation of "extreme" would be if I were to walk away from everything after closing my bank account and cleaning out my limited retirement account. This would give me enough cash to go somewhere else and start over. This wouldn't work for me because I am too honest and there are so many checkpoints in the States, that my problems would follow me and I would end up no better off than I am now.

The other end of the extreme would be to ignore all my current problems and go for broke in some get rich quick scheme.

The true extremes are life or death, but those are only parameters, not realistic. I can't control when I die unless I consider suicide, which is something I won't do. I don't have any control over "life". I will live as long as I am supposed to live.

So, I will happily stay somewhere in the middle of the two extremes. I may get close to the edge, but it won't be for long. I have no desire to live with "blood pressure raised" situations all the time.

The other pain I have is physical. Have you ever slammed your fingers in a door? If so, you know the kind of pain I am in. After taking that damn statin drug, I had pain like that all over my body. It took several weeks for me to feel better. My whole body still aches just a bit, which could be related to the drug or it could just be old age creeping up on me.
But, the little finger on my left hand feels like it got slammed in a door. The other fingers and thumb are fine. Same with the right hand. It is fine.
So today, I have a doctor's appointment with a new doctor. He is associated with the new hospital and I am hoping this guy works out and is progressive enough to leave me alone and just fix my problems, and not hassle me about cholesterol.
Update: I just came from the new doctor. He gave me Celebrex, which turned out to be a NSAID which is a no no for gastric bypass patients. I will now have to call him and tell him that. I didn't realize at the office that Celebrex was a no no. I told him I couldn't take hard shell pill, only capsules, but I guess I didn't get through to him about the nsaids. Oh well, throw away another doctor.

I spoke with a beautiful woman the other day. She had physical beauty, but also was attractive to me in other ways. She is intelligent, and able to stay focused, which is rare. She also remembers things. I meet many people and have trouble with memory. Always have been that way. Some people can meet you and remember everything you spoke of a month later. Unless you are a close friend and I deal with you on a regular basis, I have a tough time with memory.

So, this woman helped me to focus on myself for a brief moment. She helped me to express my true feelings just for a minute. It felt good to be able to do that without feeling self centered or conceited. It felt to me as if I had allowed one door to close in my life and was getting ready to open the next door. I always move slowly, and cautiously, so now I am ready to open the door.
I am grateful to her, and she probably doesn't even know what she did for me.
The mirror she provided will allow me to move to the next step. I think I will send her flowers or something.

This weekend will be a bit chilly but will be clear. I am going to have to take a long walk to try to sort through the stress my financial life is now causing. I am again running out of money. I just got notification from the welfare department about wanting information so they can determine if they need to tell me to give something back to them. I wasn't aware that I had gotten anything from them. I turned the first letter over to my lawyer, but she hasn't gotten back to me.
As with all government forms, this one leaves much to be desired. It is all but unintelligible. The information they requested could only apply to someone who is very rich and can afford to hire accountants, and lawyers. I will compose a letter and send it in with the form and hope they don't decide to do anything stupid.

OK, what's next?

Powerless

I have had some insane dreams over the past year.
I've expected nothing less, since my life has changed directions so drastically.
I went from being too fat, to losing everything. Well, not everything.
The fact that I am on my own is one of the reasons I have had these crazy dreams. Maybe you don't realize how important it is to have friends to talk to in person. At least, it's important to me. I do talk to people, but not in person.
Every weekend for the past year, with very few exceptions, I have been a total recluse. I rarely get phone calls on the weekend. I do get texts if I initiate them, and I do a lot of surfing on Facebook. Sometimes, I do IM's on Facebook, but not many other places.
My inner voice is always talking. Sometimes I am able to ignore it, but then the damn music starts playing and a song will repeat over and over. So, my dreams become the place for me to defrag everything that is going on in my brain.
Recently, I have been watching old TV shows as I've stated in previous posts. I study people and it is good for me to see how others handle their problems. TV today is much better at handling things realistically, and that helps me to figure out what I need to do.
I do a lot of emoting during these shows as I try to rid myself of the pain of the past two years and move into the healing process. I am making progress.

I've been writing down my thoughts and trying very hard to finish everything I need to do here in the house. They predicted snow today and it is an early snow, and a heavy one.
About an hour ago, the power went out. The silence in the house was deafening, but the sound of the ticking battery operated clocks brought me to realize just how loud this house is. I can't hear the clocks when the power is on because there are so many things plugged in and they all make noise. Not a lot of noise, but it is there none the less.

Some thoughts came to the front of the brain when the power first went out:

• What the hell was I doing in a snow storm? I had planned on being in Florida by now, playing music for my living.
• My CPAP machine won't work without electricity.
  
• Everything is electric. What happens if the power stays off?
• No microwave oven. Everything I cook is done using the microwave. I did an inventory of what I could eat in case the power was off long term. I have plenty of protein bars in the fridge, and could use the gas grill if I needed.
  
• No TV, or other electronic media. My laptop computer stayed on because it has a battery, but the main computer went down.
• I would have to go out to the car in order to charge my phone. As soon as I lost power, one of my local friends started texting me. Soon, my daughter and three other friends were texting me.
• I went through the house and unplugged everything that I don't use on a regular basis. I found I still had a speaker system plugged in and it was making noises that I wasn't happy about. I also went into the basement to check the breaker box in case it was just my house.
• I got my under armor shirt on, as well as a hat in case it got cold in the house. I am much more comfortable with them on now.
• I took pictures of outside the house and did a quick tour to make sure the wires were still connected to the house. I also surveyed the neighborhood in case a tree fell locally that I could report. Everything looked normal, except for the snow on everything so early in the season. The snow will be gone in the next few days because the temp will go up again and there are no predictions of more precipitation.

The fire companies are out all over the place with trees and wires down, so the power may go out yet again.
So, today, I will stay home, but I may go outside as soon as I see the snow slowing down. I want to get my workout by shoveling the driveway and sidewalk.

Today, since I knew there would be snow, I had planned on staying inside for the most part. The snow is very wet and heavy, so it is not good to walk in. It would be like walking in a heavy rainfall. I have my shoe spikes in case I change my mind, and I can deal with the wet if I really put my mind to it.

OK, what's next?

Working in a coal mine, going down down down...

I found a gelatin capsule with Glucosamine/chondroitin. I hadn't taken it since before the surgery.
But the damn statin drug made my fingers and I needed something.
I ran out of fish oil about 3 days ago and I noticed I started to feel better for some reason.
So, I went out and got the stuff above and the fish oil, and started taking it again anyway.
I'm hoping the stuff will take away enough pain for me to start playing guitar again.

I also started working on a recipe book in my head. I doubt it will ever see the written page, but it's a good exercise for my brain.
I have another idea to write down some of my experience as a bus driver as far as safety and good driving habits are concerned, but that one will not make it either. They both sound better in my head than they ever will on paper.
I have several other ideas for books that will only be written if I am a total invalid and have nothing else to do except write. It just ain't gonna happen. I have too many other things to think about.

I have friends and family that have problems much greater than mine for the most part. I run those problems through my mind while driving and come up with some solutions, but usually keep them to myself because they do sound better in my head than they do coming out into the world. I do tell them sometimes, but they usually get shot down.

My son has some problems right now that I have no idea how to help him. But I know that I can't do anything for him other than to pray and listen to him. If I did help, he wouldn't grow and move forward. He was doing so well, but he screwed up and now he is paying the price. I personally hate making mistakes, but have learned to live with them so far.

I had some things I was going to write about tonight, but I'm very tired and won't be able to think clearly in a few minutes. Gonna head to bed.

Life and death!

So, I'm sitting on a hill in my school bus this morning behind a small car. In front of that car is a fully loaded 18 wheeler. This guy did 25 mph the entire way down the road I was on. The road is an open 2 lane with full visibility and the speed limit is 45, so I figured he was from out of town and I gave him a wide berth.
Now, he was stuck on the hill with nowhere to go. He couldn't figure out how to shift his gears in order to make it up the hill, and every time he tried to go, he stalled and had to jam the brakes to keep from sliding back down the hill.
In the meantime, there was a line of vehicles, including several school buses behind him. I run scenarios in my head all the time when things like this happen. I think about what I would do if his brakes failed and he started rolling backwards. He wouldn't be able to slow himself down and the truck would just roll backwards faster and faster until he started taking out whatever was behind him, until he would finally stop with multiple cars, trucks and buses mangled.
Then, it came to me that this was a real possibility. There was a small car in front of me, and that stood no chance against this truck. I saw that car (we're back to reality now) put the car into reverse, and start moving back from the now sliding truck.
I looked behind me and since my bus is bigger than the average car, no one behind me could see the situation. I had nowhere to go. If I jumped out of the bus, others would still get hurt. If I tried to slow the truck down when it got to me, I might have been able to save others, but I would surely get hurt.
When you watch TV shows, there is always music and multiple angles to view so that you can figure out what is going to happen next, and you can watch it from a safe distance. Reality isn't like that.
About this time, a woman comes around the passenger side of the truck and starts waving to us to move back. The problem is that we can't do that because we are all in line. There is nowhere to go.
So, I waited for her to get near me, and I roll down the window and tell her to stop traffic ahead of the truck so we can get around it. She does that and I am able to get around the truck and go on my way.
I pop the blue tooth into my ear and I call 911 and report what I consider to be a dangerous situation. The dispatcher takes my information and tells me that she will pass it on.
I leave the scene and go home to write this.

I got home 10 minutes ago and I'm still shaky. I was in a no win situation this morning, and I won anyway. In all my 38 years of bus driving, I have hated every second of the 15%, and wished I could be somewhere else, doing something else.

They say that you can train to avoid 85% of accidents. The other 15% you can't. But, you can minimize you risks by being prepared.

This situation was impossible to avoid. But, by the grace of God, it didn't happen.
I've since checked the online fire radio and haven't seen anything, so I am assuming the truck made it off the hill and everything turned out OK. The thing I am almost certain about, is that the truck driver and his woman passenger had no idea how serious a situation they had gotten into by not being prepared. They will likely continue on their trip laughing about how stupid the roads are.

I have to drive the roads with idiots like this everyday and I thank God I make it through without hurting anyone or getting hurt myself.

I am almost to the point of hanging up my CDL and all the years of training because I am scared to death of people like this.

Mindless idiots behind the wheel.