Going a way a way

You can hike to this lighthouse. It's huge to stand at the bottom and look up.

This is a color picture. The light was so intense that the camera took the color out.

Donna on the boardwalk.

Before WLS! Sitting on a sand dune. 305 pounds!

Looking South and East.

I started a post about 4 days ago, but had to save it until later. It isn't time sensitive, so it can keep for a bit longer.
This post is time sensitive.
I am taking my first vacation in years tonight.
I have not been away overnight since before my surgery two years ago.
I am going to eat normal foods, while staying away from wheat and gluten products as much as possible. But, I probably won't be adding any protein to my diet, unless I take some bars with me. The motel has a fridge, so I can keep them in there.
I will also take some peanuts and cashews with me. I can buy diet ice tea (didn't it used to be called Iced?) or water to drink.
I don't think it would be a good idea to carry a big tub of protein powder with me.
I will eat lots of seafood, which is what you eat when you go to the shore.
I am going to the shore. It's an island complex called Chincoteague/Assateague. The Assateague area is the ocean island. Cincoteague is more of a bay area. There are wild ponies, very small deer, all kinds of other wildlife including the Geese who winter here.The islands are connected by a bridge. Assateague actually goes all the way up to Ocean City, MD. but, it is a very long walk along the sand bars. Maybe 120 miles?
I will try to walk as far as I can tomorrow. I will do this on the sand at the ocean, not on the bay. The bay area has a nature center and a 3 mile walking/driving trail and it is beautiful too, but you don't get to feel the power of the ocean.
During my walk, I will try to bring out all of the emotions inside of me, and hope to deal with them so I can move forward again. The area is fairly secluded, so I should be able to take something to eat with me and spend my time totally isolated.
I hope to be able to eat well, and feel good when I finish.
I wish I could take a whole week off, but I can't at this time.
Since I'll only be gone for two nights and one full day, I should be able to resume my normal schedule Sunday afternoon.
I am making all kinds of preparations that I didn't make before WLS and I hope I don't forget anything.
I will take my laptop with me so I can record my feelings and keep in touch with the virtual world.

Wandering, but not aimlessly.

Sean and Shona

My Honda C-70/Passport (gone now)
Sean in Dallas, Texas, just before he threw up all over the rental car.

Secrets of the BBQ chicken kings

Use this on skinless chicken, maybe one or two pounds. I estimate, and use boneless skinless chicken, but if you use a rotisserie, you want to use two whole chickens.

• Take a cup of vinegar.
• Melt a half stick or real butter. (margarine is for wimps!)
  
• Add some paprika, Chili powder, a pinch of sea salt, oregano and other Italian seasonings
  to taste.

Combine all ingredients above, and paint them onto your chicken as you cook. You can BBQ it, or use a rotisserie if you have one. But, keep the chicken covered with the mix.

• Take the other half stick of butter and melt it in a frying pan.
• Add a chopped onion of your choice. I like red skin onions, but the pearl or yellows work too.
  
• Add some garlic if you like.

Fry it until the onion is browned, or blackened. I like my onions burned, but you may be happy with them another way. Add this to the chicken after it comes off the grill. You may also add this mix to the veggies you cook to go with the chicken.

A short story about coping;

I thought about things that happened to my wife and I many times over the years when I wanted to escape reality for awhile. I have been escaping a lot recently, an expect to continue to escape for a little while longer.
The things I am talking about here are the "little moments". They happen only to us, and we bring them back up when they happen again and again. Case in point:

We have owned many VCRS, and DVD players over the years. They wear out quickly and were cheap to replace. We used to record TV shows on the VCR so we could watch them together on Saturday night to save money by not going out to the movies.

We thought that the DVD players were great when they came out, but we kept the VCR so we could continue to record TV shows.

Well, every DVD player we ever owned would go about an hour into the movie, and then it would freeze. Every single one. I became very adept at cleaning the DVD, and navigating with the remote in order to be able to go back to where we left off in the movie. But, it became one of those "little moments" because no matter which DVD player we bought, or movie we were watching, the movie always froze about an hour into it. Always.

Well, last night, I rented my first Blu Ray disc to play on my brand new Blu Ray DVD player. The movie was "Repo Man". I got the movie from a Red Box at the local store. There was a line, so I just grabbed the first movie that I saw that was Blu Ray. (The next time, I will look online and reserve a movie)

This morning, I went out to breakfast for the first time in a long time. I have been talking to Donna at the gravesite, in the house, and also in the car. I tell her of the events of the day, and other things I won't go into here. I tell her I wish she were here to see this amazing new machine that has such brilliant picture and sound quality.
You see, I have been waiting for her to come back and talk to me and help me to feel a little comfort in knowing that she will be OK in her new journey.
I was going to head to the local Bob Evans, but something made me head towards Salunga. They have a little place there that serves breakfast and lunch. Very basic decor, but good food.
As I got closer, the memories started flooding my mind so much, the water kept trying to escape from my eyes. I was able to control it most of the time, or hide it with my glasses.
My wife used to take my son there by themselves on Saturday mornings so that they could talk. I have no idea what they talked about, but it helped my son. He even got a job there for a few weeks. There were friends of his that worked there too, and they were part of the crowd that used to come around and visit us.
I forgot how to do things as a WLS post person, and let the waitress/owner pour me coffee instead of telling her not to bother. (don't drink 15 minutes before eating)
I also forgot that she gave me regular coffee, not decaf.
So, I added my sweet and low, and some cream and started sipping. I may have consumed about an ounce of liquid, but it was soooo good.
I also ordered an everything omelet with home fries, no toast.
I sat for about 10 minutes while waiting and sipped some more because it was soooo good. Not much, just a little. I figured it would all wash down before the food got there.
I could see my wife and I having breakfast there and the liquid started rising again, so I got out my cell and started texting just to distract myself. It didn't work so well.
My wife and I ate there many times, as she did with my son and daughter.
The omelet arrived and I asked for a container and then had to explain about my Bypass surgery.
I ate a small piece and sipped some more coffee, but not a lot. The home fries were burned just the way I liked them. But, the emotions got to me and I had to get out of there.
I had a twenty dollar bill with me, and I don't think they take plastic, so I went to the cashier and paid for my meal with my container.
The lady gave me a ten and a one for change. I left the ten on the table and got out. I cried all the way to the car, and then left as quickly as I could.

I started watching the movie and was amazed by the clarity of the picture. I said this out loud to Donna in case she couldn't read my mind.
The movie was very graphic with lots of foul language, but it was all in the context of the movie. I looked away because things were so graphic. I could feel the pain they were inflicting.
Other than the graphics, the movie was predictable and a bit boring. I had seen movies like this that followed the patterns of others.
About an hour into the movie, the machine froze. The movie actually stopped playing. The scene stopped and the TV became a picture.
Donna was watching the movie with me, and she wanted to let me know she was there.

Channeling Buford T. Justice

I thought about writing something in my blog, but, I didn't do it. I really did think about it, but, I didn't do it.

I thought about writing about my ordeal. That is, the aftermath I am facing with the death of my wife.

• The hassle of the paperwork.
  
• The worries about what to do next.
  
• The appointments with two lawyers.
  
• Trying to find an accountant.
• The piles of documents I have collected since February that I have to sort through in order to meet with the lawyer on Wednesday.

I thought about writing about the money woes, and how I am proud of myself for not letting those woes take me down.

But I didn't.

I thought about writing about my progress or lack thereof with the cleaning of the house.

I thought about trying to find some words of wisdom that would (maybe) help someone that is reading this.

But, I didn't.

I thought about writing about my walks, and my lack of exercise which is holding me back.
I thought about writing about the soreness I have been feeling physically that is from the mental stress and strain.

But, I didn't.

And while I thought about writing, I was actually doing something else.

It has been so hard to drag myself off my butt to do anything. Not because I am fat, but because of the stress. I want it all to be over soon. Once I get up and moving, however, I am able to do quite a lot of work.

I still feel like I'm running on auto-pilot rather than doing things I want to do. Hopefully, this feeling will fade and I'll start to live again. Right now, my heart is still broken.

I had some help this past Friday cleaning out the darkroom that we have been using as storage for years. I figure if a box has not been opened for 20 years, it is safe to throw it out.

I can hear the crowds yelling that I should look in the boxes in case there is something there of value.
I did that.
I took things out that I thought needed to be archived. That is, stored in a box again for another 20 years.

The rest I bagged for trash.

My friends used string to tie up books that I am putting to the curb for trash. They also helped me bag stuff. I think we gathered about 10/45 gallon bags. Oh, I gave away about 200 romance novels. There were some things the kids found that they wanted, and I gave it them.

When we finished, about 80% of the room was emptied. The other 20% will be re-boxed and given to the archives. I will not keep them here. The archives are at a relatives home. They have lots more room.

As I clean, I think about whether I want to stay here or move into a more comfortable place. I go back and forth. The battle is whether I want to maintain what I have here, or make a total break from the past and move on.

It's easy to say "move on". It's much harder to actually do it.

I got rid of lots of stuff. I still have lots of stuff. I would like to keep some of it, and lose the rest. I have an emotional tie to all that stuff. I am very lucky to be able to have the chance to make my own decision. If the place burned down, I would lose that choice.

Today, I will gather as many old photographs as I can and put them in shoe boxes that I have saved. That way they will be easier to sort and look at. I have photo albums of all different sizes that I will leave alone. They are glued in some sort of order. The photos are stored in 3 places around the house. I will bring them together and start sorting.

Or, maybe I'll do it tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I will start sorting the paperwork I need for the lawyer's meeting on Wednesday. He will be helping me to sort through the near future dealing with pension and insurance money.

Sometime this week or maybe next week, I will meet with a designer to see how much a kitchen and bathroom makeover would cost.

I am also working on my guitar amplifiers and speakers to figure out what to sell.

Thursday evening, I will take as much of the trash down to the curb as I can. I still have a long way to go. But, I am moving forward.

Anyone wanna help?

walking

In the hot, humid summer, it's no fun to walk.
In the bitter cold of the winter, it's no fun to walk.
But, every once in awhile, the weather is just right.
I found that there are more of those "just right" times in the early mornings just before dawn. It is usually calm, cooler, and less humid than other times of the day. At least it is here in manure country.
In other parts of the country, you need to watch out for bears. Here in manure country, at this time of the morning, you need to watch out for skunks. You can almost smell them above the aroma of manure and sludge.
I have been under an extreme amount of stress lately. My wife died on August 14, and the sheer amount of personal emotions are surrounded by the stupidity of paperwork in all of it's modern variations.
The powers that be won't allow me to grieve. They want to make my life as miserable as possible because it makes them feel better.
Sometimes, I want to go postal on them. But, I won't. I wouldn't know who to shoot, and I can't shoot them all.
So, for the past month or two even before my wife died, while she was in the nursing home, I have been sleeping lousy. My patterns are all messed up, and I need my patterns!
I get up around 2am. and can't get back to sleep. Sometimes, I go back to bed around 5:30 and sleep until 8:00am. Not a good pattern for me.
I have been taking naps for years. I love my naps. Now, I need them more than ever.
This morning, I got up at 3:00am, and got dressed in my workout clothing.
I gathered up an extra bag of trash and took it to the curb.
I made breakfast and sat and watched TV for one episode (I am now caught up).
Then, I went out and took a walk.
The temperature was 55 or so. There were no clouds, and no breeze.
My gear consisted of my cell and blue tooth, tube of glucose tablets, house key, and flashlight.
I have many different paths I can take. I just got two new pair of walking shoes. One looks like sneakers, but has a wider base that is flatter, so it's not easy to jog, but great for stability in walking.
My flashlight has a handle that allows me to carry it several ways. I pump the handle and it projects a beam of LED light that goes very bright and fades quickly. It does a nice job of attracting attention when cars approach. Otherwise, I walk in the dark. The roads are clean and smooth here with no real hazards for walking.
The route I take has been measured by me to be 4 miles round trip, if I follow the entire thing. There are variations which allow me to shorten the trip several times in each direction. Since I have had problems with low blood sugar, I have used the shorter route many times.
I also know distances for the shorter routes, although I rarely walk less than a mile.
I have found that if I breathe in a rhythm, that is, I breathe in cadence to my walking, that I tend to hyperventilate.
So, I walk in one rhythm, and breathe as normally as I can, slowly and deeply. I take deep breaths whenever I think about it, and stretch my chest, back, and shoulders to stay flexible.
I don't walk until just after I eat, usually about 20 minutes or more afterwords. My new pouch isn't a happy camper if I exercise right after eating.
The leg muscles pump the blood for the heart, giving it a break when you walk. The heart gets the chance to rest if you let it. This helps relieve stress.
The better shape you are in, the faster you can walk. I walk much faster now than I did three years ago.
The cooler air, and the clear sky felt like heaven to me this morning. I am now a bit more relaxed, although my paperwork problems are still here. I am also tired now, so I think I will go take a shower and try to get another hour of rest.

A list

This post has to do with my life.
Of course, I wouldn't be able to write this had I not had the WLS. I would have been dead sometime last year. I wouldn't have been able to be there for my wife these past 7 months.

So, I am making a list of things I want to do. It helps me to get it out of my head so I can see it. The voices in my head distort things, so if I get the ideas out, I can look at them while the voices are sleeping.

• I have to write. I believe I will need some type of solitude, along with simplicity in my life to be able to write. There are too many distractions in every day life. I have a house here with some rooms not being used. I may just seal one off from the outside world and just write from time to time.
• I have to play. I never really succeeded in writing the music that is inside my head. I need to do that. It's way past the time.
• I have to lose weight. Another 40 pounds would be really nice. But, I'll settle for.....40!
• I need to get back on the horse. Nuff said!

Others need me right now, but I have to start taking care of myself. If the world closes in and I have to go back to work, I will lose the last chance I have to reach my goals. I can't work at a real job without losing all my energy to it. I know this for a fact. I can either be creative, or I can work. I can't do both.

So, this is my list.

My bucket list is much different and doesn't involve creativity. I will write that list another time.

Monday, I go back to work as a school bus driver. I have to get my physical, and go to the driver's meeting.
Tuesday, I have to pick out a gravestone. I don't start driving officially until the 30th (I think), but I have to lay out my route and call my kids. The route and kids can change before then too. It's the worst part of the job. Once I get into the routine, I will feel better. For now, it's just stress.

Afterwards

It took me 57 years to get to this point. Oh, what I would have given to have this information and the ability to do something about it when I was young.

Mourning a loss of a loved one is rough.

I don't feel any better than I did last week, but now it's time to move forward again.
My wife is buried over by the park, and that gives me the excuse to walk over there instead of driving. (you see that water tower? She is just to the left, within view of the park).

I walked twice this week. It felt good, although the muscles and joints are sore from the ordeal of the funeral. I didn't lift anything. I didn't do anything physically stressful. I just stood for a few hours longer than I am used to.
Emotional stress is what I feel in my body.
Ouch!
Walking helps.

The paperwork after the ordeal is daunting.
I hate paperwork.
I hate not knowing what I have financially that will allow me to stay here in my home.
I hate not knowing what medical bills are going to sock me even though we have it all taken care of.
I hate not knowing what shape my credit is in.

How does this affect my weight loss program?
In every way imaginable, and some I never thought about.

• One tough one is eating for one. Up until a year before my WLS, I had a houseful of people, kids, you name it. Cooking in quantity was easy. You just piled it together and cooked. You never had leftovers. Nothing went bad because it didn't last long enough.

When I tossed the kids out, I was able to continue to cook. I made healthier foods and was able to eat leftover myself. I shoveled it in overate because of stress and guilt about throwing it away.
Now, there is just me.
What do I do with a bunch of bananas? I eat as many as I can before they get too ripe. That's not so bad because I can buy fewer of them. Same thing with apples, or other fruit. I just have to go shopping more often.
Preparing beef, chicken and fish are a bit more tricky.
Veggies too.
Shopping and cooking is time consuming and I have so many other things I need to do. The workload isn't shared anymore. If there is something on the floor, I have to pick it up.

• I used to look forward to eating out. Try doing that by yourself sometime. No fun anymore. You wait for the waitress, and then have to explain that you don't want anything to drink, even with the meal. Then, sitting at the table by yourself with no one to talk to while waiting for the meal is also no fun.

• I tried to force myself to go to the movies the other day. Couldn't do it.

• I have a goal to play my guitar, but right now, I am still in mourning. I just can't play. I am doing things in preparation for it, but I'm still not ready. I am not waiting for just the right time, as some have suggested. I am going to play again. I just need a bit more time.

• I can feel all of the things that kept me from getting to where I wanted to be by now in life. I can see them too. I haven't figured out how to get past certain things in order to do what I need, but... I'm working on it. 3 years ago, I was just getting ready to die.
• It's interesting to note that I've been taught by my Mom to not make waves. Waves cause problems, and I just shouldn't do things to cause problems. So, I just sort of go through life trying hard to not make waves. This caused problems too. Because I couldn't survive if it weren't for the waves. Yes, for the most part, I've been protected by not making waves, but, I also missed out on some things too. It's juts a matter of figuring out which waves to make in order to be able to swim and not drown.
  

I am right on the verge of breaking through now. It's been a long hard ride. I've done everything I know in order to keep things smooth. Now, it's time to let loose. I have been testing the waters and am finally feeling as if I can let go without losing myself.

I am working towards my future. But first, I have to mourn. I'm almost ready.....

A new day

I am exhausted.
If you follow me on Facebook, you know why.
If not, ask me.
Today, is day two of a new Day.
Between now and this day next year, I will lose at least 30 pounds, and maybe up to 40 pounds.
I plan to set up and follow a workout routine.
I plan to get out and see things and make up for lost time.
I plan to start eating properly.

But first, I must grieve.
Rest in Peace, Donna.
Thank you for reading my blog. I hope it helps you. It sure has helped me.

New stuff, new old ideas

• I bought some Chobani plain yogurt today. It was in a large container. I'm going to add chocolate protein powder to it and make pudding of sorts. Been thinking about that for awhile, but my old habits crept in and I had to force myself to go get it.
• I also bought more soy milk. By itself, soy milk is just like eating plain yogurt. If I had to choose between them or starving to death, it would be a really tough choice. So, I'll add stuff that is healthy and have at it. Of course, I have to hope it makes the stuff edible too. I paid for it. I might as well eat it.

I add 2 scoops of protein powder (do you need to ask what flavor?) to my Magic Bullet. Fill halfway with cold decaf coffee. Blend for a few seconds until everything is mixed. I found out it blends better when you put the powder on top of the coffee. Then, I get my big blender bottle and fill that halfway with soy milk. Add the bullet mix, one bag of sweet and low, and fill to the top with more soy, or coffee.
I found that if I use the blender with soy milk, I end up with whipped cream instead of blended protein powder. that would be fine, but I'm not looking for that.
I can sit outside on my favorite chair and drink this stuff forever. It tastes great, and satisfies my milk shake craving. I don't usually drink the whole thing in one sitting, and sometimes I will add more powder and liquid instead of dumping it out and starting over. I never stretch it more than a day, however, and I always refrigerate the leftovers.
I am working on doing some new recipes for chicken and fish and beef too. I'll let you know when I'm ready to receive them.

Back to life, back to reality!

I started to look for new things to eat, and new recipes to prepare.
I have been living on the frozen "steamer" meals and chili for 7 months now. (Actually, it's only been about 4 months.)
The steamer meals have a good mix of protein, veggies, etc. and are low in calories for the most part. I never eat the apple crisp that they have in some of the TV dinners. I do monitor the sugar content, but ignore the gluten, even though I shouldn't. Most meals have pasta. (this is only my problem, not yours, unless you are Celiac too)
But, I've been comforting myself too much with foods I should only have in small amounts.
I am going to go back to the Doctor on a month by month basis, as well as hitting the gym and seeing the dietitian to remember what I've forgotten.
I see a large problem in the system in that the 2+ year olds need to be reminded of things and they need a support group of their own.
The mind and body play tricks on me.
The mind wants to go back to the old days when things were so much better! It doesn't like to think about doing something new or having to think all the time about what and how to eat. It wants to go back to the old habits.
The body is perfectly willing to follow the mind's lead and start goofing off instead of working to feel better.
My wife of 34 years is dying. I challenge anyone to deal with WLS and that at the same time!
It's been over a year now that I knew about it. It's been 7 months that she has been in the hospital.
Damn, this is the hardest thing I've ever done. I think I'm doing OK, all things considered.
Now, after she is gone, I will not only go back to my diet in earnest, but I will be alone for the first time in my life.
So, I have a new challenge.
I'm not sure about anything.
Let's see what happens.
When I get some of the new food ideas collected, I'll include them here for others to see. If you have any ideas, save them until I can think clearly again. I do want to hear them, but not quite yet.

Just keep going

I got a positive cryptic message from our oriental friends along with the typical "come on" to go to a spam/junk website. At least they are trying.
I have been starkly honest on this blog. I have written things I maybe shouldn't have written. Maybe, it wasn't politically correct. Maybe, it offended some.
Tough Shit!
If you don't like what I write, don't read it!
This blog and it's concepts have been so cathartic, and beneficial to me. I have enjoyed writing it. I have experienced emotions that I had kept inside for years, just because of this blog. It's good to get rid of some of them.
I opened my soul here, and I felt something.
-------
My wife is dying. She is getting ready to give in, not give up.
There is a difference.
Her way, as long as I've known her, is to keep on going and not make a decision until there is not other choice.
I don't like that, but, her lack of choice, is her choice.
She is now to the point where she can't breathe freely anymore. Her body is failing her to the point where the pain meds aren't working.
Does this sound like you?
Do you keep going until there is no choice left?
Or, do you give up too easily?
I believe that there is a place in between those two extremes where everyone should be. My wife is all the way over to the one side. She is not making wise decisions. She isn't making any decisions. In all the time I've known her, she has always been like this.
She can't get rid of anything. She has to keep everything because she believes she might need that something, or she might be able to reuse it, or repair it.
As a result, I am cleaning the house for exercise, and wow, what an exercise it is.
Now, it's too late for her to change, and I never expect her to change.
That's OK.
I still love her. I always will. Just because she does things I think are wrong, doesn't change the way I feel. I have no idea why, and I will not analyze that, no matter what. I won't question love. It's too rare to question and take a chance on losing it.
That's my fault.
So, obsessive behavior is good, in moderation. You can go overboard with some things, and you will pay for them, but, it's OK.
I don't think I'm making any sense here today. I'm just writing and free thinking to get my head clear enough to be able to function for another day.
I am pretty upset by the situation, so I need to vent in any way I can short of going postal, which I don't think I would do. (unless they outlawed conservatism!)
The past few weeks, I've been getting up at 2am and going back to bed around 6am. I have these moments of insanity around 2am. If I happen to wake up to go to the bathroom, my brain is in a defrag mode at that time and is handling all the crazy stuff at that time. So, I can't get back to sleep and I go into overtime.
As a result, I am tired, and run down. I'm positive that once my wife dies, I will grieve, then recharge and start over. Then, I will start to sleep more normally.
But, when I have a conversations with my wife like the ones I've been having, my sleep and other patterns will not work very well.
I am lucky that I don't have to work over the summer. I wouldn't want to be dealing with the kids or traffic now.
------
I gained 7 pounds since my last weigh in back in January. I expected that. I will lose that weight and much more when I start over in a few weeks.
My other numbers are all good, with minor problems which will also be corrected.
For the first time in my life, I feel like I will be able to conquer the weight loss problem for the second time because of my surgery. The team has offered to help me and I am accepting, after my wife dies.
I have plans for the future that I believe I can achieve, again for the first time in my life.
Unless something unforeseen happens that I have no control over, you will see a whole new me next year.
In the meantime, I feel like a senile old man, and there is a sadness that is threatening to consume me. I will embrace that feeling, and throw it away when it's over.
I won't hold onto it, because I will have no use for it, when it's over.
Stand back, I take big steps!

A test

God was testing me the past two days.

I don't know if I passed or failed. I imagine it doesn't much matter.

It's been 6 months since my wife has been home. She left without looking back, and even though she still looks at this as her home, she will never again set foot in it.
We have lived here since 1992.
I've tried to make this our home and not a museum for her dead parents.
Yesterday, I realized that she had been away from the house for 6 months (as stated above). She went into the hospital on February 8, 2010, and is now in a nursing home.
That thought hit me pretty hard.

This was our home.

Now, because of her illness, this is my home.
If I am allowed to keep it, it will continue to be my home.
I can do anything to it, within reason of course, that I want.
I don't have to compromise. I don't have to argue. I don't have to do anything that I don't want.

I like that. I also hate it. It hurts so bad.

Before the storm hit yesterday, I was on my way home from BJs wholesale club. I bought my stock of Chobani Yogurt, and other stuff.
I always, always, always, hesitate to buy something I want but don't need. yesterday was no different. I decided I wanted another 6 foot table so I could set up more stuff. I have a lot of stuff that I am working on, and wanted the table space. I could have done without and just moved stuff around, but this way I would be able to go from one task to the other without moving anything.
I know I should have saved the money, but, I've been holding back for so many years, that I am just letting go.
Donna always told me to "wait" until I finished this before doing that. Or, to wait until this happened so that I could do that. I could never, ever do it now.

So, now, I bought music equipment I didn't need, but wanted. I am going to enjoy using it all, but I really could have done without. But, it made me happy, and I want to be happy. I am so lonely and sad right now.
So, this tree coming down yesterday was a sign from God to me.
I was being tested.
I was awake at 2am. last night, and I prayed.
I prayed for my wife. She has been comfortable for the most part, but has been getting slowly worse. I prayed some more for her.
I know I will be taken care of. But, I needed to make sure she was taken care of.
Sometimes, I feel like Job. But, I don't think I'm that important for God to even take notice of me.
After I prayed, I thanked God for all my blessings.
My kids and grand kids.
All the toys I have been allowed to have.
The air conditioned house I am allowed to call mine.
I am worried about the future. I can't afford to live here or anywhere on what I am making driving school bus, so I have to do something else.
I want to play my guitar and sing, but I don't know if I can do that and succeed. I don't need to be rich and famous. I just need to make enough to pay the bills and have some left over for a vacation every once in awhile.
Oh how I need a vacation.
So, the tree guy will come over later today and chop up the branch that fell, and remove the debris. I can afford what he is charging. It was so reasonable. I hope he lives up to his promise and does the job right. So far, I've been blessed to find good people who do good work.
I asked him to come back at the end of the summer and I would pay him to take the rest of the tree down. There are parts of the tree that will surely damage the house with the next storm.
The test? I think God wanted to see if I was crazy enough to try to take the branch apart myself instead of doing the things I really needed to do but have been putting off. If I had tried, I probably would have hurt myself. I am stronger now with the WLS, but I know my limits.


Now, you can see some of what I am going through. If I can do this and survive, you can too. Don't lose faith. If you get stuck, just stop and count your blessings, and then get back up there and continue the journey.

The beginning

I went back to my first post. It seems I waited a bit to get started.
October of 2008 was when I first started blogging.
I had my surgery the end of July of 2008.
I guess it took me that long to learn how to blog.
I guess it took me that long to really believe that I was losing weight.
I'm not sure if it was one or both.
Now, I went to my last meeting a few weeks ago. I hadn't been there in about 6 months because of my Wife's situation, and I finally decided to go anyway.
It was like old times, except better. They streamlined stuff and were much smoother with presentations, and timing and such.
I ended up at the front of the room talking about my journey, and trying to calm some fears and answer questions. A lot of the old timers who were there wouldn't get up and talk. I guess they were tired of it.
Anyway, tomorrow, I am going to see the Chiropractor for the first time in another long time. I put that off too because of the stressful situation.
And, I am going to see my counselor soon too. I need the conversation. She has always helped me, and I hope for more support and a kick in the butt if I need it. (I do)
I am going back to basics very soon. I have some food to unload, and then I'm going back to what worked for me when I had my surgery two years ago. I am going to drop the 40 pounds or more and get back into shape.
Oh, I also got my latest blood test results. I seem to be normal in many of the areas as before, with just a few problems that will resolve themselves when my life returns to normal. I wonder if that will ever happen.
Life is good.

Next step, to take a break.

We all need balance in our lives. If we don't get it, we compensate in some way.

• Some of us eat too much or the wrong foods.
• Some of us stop eating.
• Some of us binge.
• Some of us starve.
• Some of us drink.
• Some of us smoke.
• Some of us escape with drugs.

The problems with some of these listed above, are that they can be addictive physically and it makes it really tough to quit.
Bariatric surgery allows us a tool to control a part of our experience with compensatory eating so that we can regain control.
However, if we don't find and correct the underlying problem that caused the overeating in the first place, our minds and bodies will find a way to defeat that tool.

One of the things we forget about in this society of stress and pressure, is the ability to be able to relax, and recharge.
I have been really stressed because of the situation with my wife. Since I have the summer off, I have been visiting her every day for about two weeks now.
It is a long drive and it's very hard to see her wasting away like she is. She is still sharp, so it's really tough to have to get someone to deflate her "cuff" so she can talk to me for a few minutes.
Her body has failed and she is on full time life support.
When under stress, my reaction was to overeat. Now, I don't feel like cooking. I am running on autopilot.
I am also in limbo because I am unable to do anything about my income, or bills that are piling up. I can afford to pay for the basics in life, but the medical bills keep coming and I hate not being able to pay them.
Top that off with being alone in a house that has been full to the brim for years. I walk around and wonder when someone will pick something up, and then realize that I am the only one here. There are days that go by and I don't actually talk to anyone but me.
I am getting things done. I am working like crazy to finish what I planned to do this summer.
I tried to survive without the AC this summer. I thought that since I lost the weight, i could more easily handle it. Not totally true. I can cut back a bit, but can't turn it off.
So, yesterday, I went to York because my son was getting surgery for his back. I had a rough time going there because it brought back memories of me going to see my wife when she was there. I stayed with his Fiance and made sure he was OK, and then I came home. I took a short nap and headed out to see my wife in Harrisburg.
It turned out to be too much. I made it both ways, but I had to tell my wife that I wouldn't be going to see her today. I needed to take a day off.
I went to bed last night around 9pm, but ended up getting up because there was a wire down from the storms we had, and the power went off and my CPAP stopped. I got back to sleep right after, but had some strange dreams and didn't sleep well.
I woke around 5am, got breakfast, then went back to bed. I slept until 9:30am.
I got up intending to do my workout, but I was too tired, so I went out and cut the grass, figuring I could do my workout after the lawn. It started raining so I only got 2/3 of the lawn finished.
I came in, took a shower, and went and took another nap.
Now, I can judge when I am too tired because I can't think straight. Many things that were easy, become difficult. I had been working on a project for my music that should have been easy, but i couldn't get it right.
So, after the nap, I went downstairs and the solution presented itself.
I still need sleep, and for sure, I didn't plan on all of this happening when I started my quest to lose weight. I don't think I could have made it without prayer, and the support of my friends and the Bariatric team.
So now, I will incorporate taking a break into my routine. I may still be obsessive, but I will force myself to become obsessive about taking time off for me.
Everything in moderation....

Exercise

I have been sitting in limbo with my wife's situation, and no that isn't the same as sitting "Shiva". :)
The problem is that I hit a plateau just before I found out she was sick and I have gained a few pounds because my focus has been on her and not me.
I have spent hours feeling bad, and not doing anything. I can do that because I am a bus driver and have the summer off.
But, I have also accomplished more than I ever thought I could by working to clean out the house and playing my guitar too.
The past few weeks, I have taken some time to just walk out the door here and go somewhere.
Anywhere but here.
I went out to eat a few times and that is not easy to do by myself, as well as being post WLS.
I have been reading an online book for a few years now. The book is an ongoing thing and has been posted since 2002, and still isn't finished. It is a great escape for me and I sometimes go back to the beginning and read it again, just to experience everything one more time.
In the book, the main character is a young man and the book starts out with him being around 12. It follows him and others through college, and that's where the author got stuck. He has been stuck for about a year now, preferring to do other things than finish the story.
The young man starts out as a typical kid, learning about life. He goes through the first book being that typical kid.
In the second book, he finds out about the wrestling team, and decides to try out for it. They take him through the patterns of working out to get into shape, and he comes to enjoy it.
Now this kid has trouble dealing with his emotions, so when he gets upset, he goes and works out. He lifts weights and alternates from upper body one day, to lower body the next. He also runs or uses the jump rope for aerobics.
Anyone who wasn't fat during puberty knows how much energy you had way back then. You could run until you dropped, take a 10 minute break and then go do it again! (I might have exaggerated here a bit, but you know what I mean!). This kid does just that. He goes until he drops. Oh, how I wish I could still do that.
I thought about what he was doing, and tried to adopt the attitude of exercising instead of sulking. I'm still working on it.
Whenever I am sad, as I am now, I just want to sit and hide from things. So to me, what a great improvement this would be if I could work out instead to get rid of the stress.
I've never been able to do that before and maintain it.
This past week, I was able to move an old laptop to the basement next to my totalgym and treadmill. It has all of my DJ music on it. I could play every song in my collection and literally never play the same song again for the rest of my life. I don't know how many thousands of hours I have of music. I am adding more all the time.
So, I picked up a small system from BJs wholesale for $39.00 that has two speakers and a subwoofer.
I got them lined up along with my USB turntable and tested them last night and they sound passable. I now have an area where I can record my old Vinyl albums and listen to them while walking on the treadmill, or working out on the totalgym. The nice thing here is that I was able to do that today and actually worked up a sweat!
I walk until I'm warmed up, and then go onto the totalgym for a few minutes. Then, I grab some dumbbells and go back onto the treadmill. I hold the dumbbells out horizontal to the floor while walking. This brings my heartbeat up faster. And, I get to listen to music while I'm doing it.
Since my laptop is hooked up to the wireless connection, I can log onto Pandora if I want to listen to something I don't have in my collection.
Windows media player overlaps the songs, sort of blending from one to the next, so there is never any break between songs. I can sing along if I want and since the house is empty, no one will complain.
Also, the humidity has been awful the past few weeks. So, with the AC on and the basement being rather cool to begin with, it's a perfect place to work up a sweat. I don't have to go outside and be uncomfortable.
Now, I usually take a bottle of liquid with me, as well as a towel and glucose tablets since my blood sugar has a nasty habit of dropping very fast. I haven't had to use them yet, but I don't want to take a chance.
On a side note, I have been getting the yard ready for mulch. I have a guy who took all of my bushes out from around the house. This makes it easy to run the mower since I don't have to dodge trees, bushes and all the nasty creatures they hide. A straight line and I'm done!
He will be doing the mulch soon, and I'm ready for him.
This Friday, I have a plumber coming over to install garden lines in both the North and South sides of the house. I have to go out and buy hose and nozzles. I will finally be able to wash my car. There is lots of green stuff on the brick walls and I will wash them with a bit of bleach to clean it off.
I was up in the attic this morning and found a whole set of luggage, and lots of other interesting stuff. But, in order to get up there, I had to move a ton of junk out of the closet where the access is. I plan to empty the closet this week, and then tackle the attic. I hope to find hidden treasure, but I ain't holdin' my breath!
If you are post WLS, please go down to the comments in previous posts. One of our fellow WLS people made some interesting comments and it would be good for you to read.

Fat, Fat, Go away!

Listening to the Beatles while doing other thing this morning.
I have their whole collection.
I believe my life has been directed by their music over the years.
The Beatles is the only band that I know of that was allowed to evolve. Every other band out there, especially today, has been restricted in their music. They weren't allowed to grow and change. They had to play the same style of music, even though they were eclectic.
If you listen to the beginning of the Beatles, and then listen to their competition back then, they are one and the same.
Herman's Hermits, Freddie and the Dreamers, The Dave Clark Five, The Rolling Stones, and the list goes on ... they all stayed the same. Their music never changed. It was good, but it never left the patterns they started out with.

The Beatles took every album they made and updated it. They added new sounds, new patterns, new ideas. They weren't afraid to add horns, violins or other "old style" classical instruments to their mix.
It is fascinating to hear some of their earlier takes and see how they came up with the final version of their songs.
Their subject matter is something else too. It takes on all subjects.

Lady Madonna
I'm only sleeping
Norwegian Wood
Yesterday
Why don't we do it in the road?
Rocky Raccoon

They had political commentary too, but most of it was satirical, rather than nasty.
They were told they couldn't cuss and the word "Bloody" was cussing in Great Britain, so they wrote a song called "Ob La Di, Oh Bla da. This put the silliness of the situation in proper perspective. (if you haven't figured it out yet, just pronounce the first 3 syllables of the song title out loud).
In Great Britain, the tax structure is insane. They tax the highest income people more than anyone else. Sometime, they are taxed at a 50% rate! Half of their money goes to taxes! So, they wrote "Taxman" to point it out. Most of the kids that were listening to their music had no idea what they were singing about. But, the Beatles were able to express their opinion in a satirical way, and the kids identified with it, no matter where they were.

So, when Garth Brook tried to break free from his country style, the whole world panned him. He wrote some great music, but no one would buy it.

Billy Joel does classical stuff too, but hardly anyone knows.

Elton John got alot of his music from the classics.

There are many others who have tried and failed. Whatever style they became famous for, is the style they were stuck with.

I went to see Alabama in York years ago. They did great job on their music. When they came back for an encore, they did a rock and roll set, along with some great blues. They were great, but people started leaving as soon as they heard it. I stayed.

So, when you hear people say "oh, I could never give up Mac and cheese, or pizza, or whatever" just think of where we would be if the Beatles weren't allowed to evolve.

Tradition?

So, how did I get into this mess in the first place? How did I gain all the weight? How did I let myself go?

I think tradition had something to do with it.

"Eat everything on your plate. People in Europe are starving!"
"You can't get up from the table until you eat your vegetables!"
" Look at you! You're skin and bones!"
"You're so skinny, you have to run around in the shower to get wet!"

I heard them all, and then some. Over the years, my Jewish heritage and the guilt trip that was thrown upon me, caused me to learn to feel bad if I was full and there was something left on the plate. I couldn't walk away.
And then, when I left the nest and started to fend for myself, I made poor choices in food in order to save money. Foods that filled me up, loaded with fat, pasta, bread. Low in protein, high in fat. Sugar, salt, and did I mention sugar?

The interesting thing, is that after two years, you would think that I should have learned how to eat, right?

Nope. I'm still learning.

I still feel guilty when I leave something on the plate. I have gotten better at it because I use smaller portions, but I still can't walk away without the guilt.

Now, if you look at the comment made by Donna in the last post, I am sitting up writing this post because I feel obligated to answer her. Even though it is 2:21am, and I just got up to go to the bathroom.

But, this is a good thing because tradition has been tugging at me all night long, and I haven't slept well. This tradition doesn't have to do with eating, although the same guilty feeling is there. It has to do with the arrangements I am forced to make because of my wife's situation.

I have to make funeral arrangements ahead of time, because that's the way I'm made. I become obsessed with order and neatness, and want to make sure everything is done ahead of time.

"What would the neighbors think?"

I have to make some unpopular decisions because, although I would like to have a top of the line funeral with all the bells and whistles, I can't afford it.
My children want an open casket so that they can see my wife before she goes into the ground. This will cost about $2000.00 extra because of the preparations they have to do to the body.
I can't afford it. It seems that every government organization is trying to take what little I have left.
There are so many fees that are so unnecessary in my opinion, that it will cost way more than I need it to.
My wife's disease hasn't been kind to her. I still see her for who she was and is. I don't really care about her appearance. I love her, not her looks.
But, I would rather have people remember her for who she was, not how she looked in a coffin.
My children feel otherwise, and they are causing me much pain and suffering because of that.
I am still dealing with all of the things involved with watching a friend, lover, wife and mother of my children have her life taken away by cancer and it's side effects.
I am now dealing with the pain and suffering of watching my children suffering.
Cancer is not a pretty sight.
I was prepared for a lot of things in my life. I was prepared for the weight loss surgery ahead of time by a great team.
God helped me many times over the years when I didn't think I could survive. He is helping me now.
But, I state here for my record:

I hate tradition!

It has been the most destructive influence in my entire life. It has done it's best to keep me from really getting the most out of life.
It has caused me pain and suffering and will continue to do so every day for the rest of my life.
In order for me to break free from patterns that have caused my weight gain, along with the physical hunger I have suffered, I have had to fight tradition and the disabling guilt it carries with it.
In order for me to find peace, I will have to move away from tradition and learn a new way of life after my wife dies, which should be very soon.
I may lose my home, which is the home she grew up in (tradition said we had to own it after her father died). I made this place our own, even though tradition told her that we couldn't make the kitchen more efficient because of "tradition".

"That's the way it's always been".

I painted the walls outrageous colors to break that tradition, even though it's always been painted neutral colors in case we had to sell it.
Tradition! Bah!
I got rid of things, even though they've been in the family for ever. Even though they were broken, and beyond repair, we had to keep them....because of TRADITION!
My mother was a clean nut. That's what we called her obsession for cleanliness.
We would dust and vacuum every day. We couldn't let the dishes sit in the sink. They had to be done right after dinner.
I looked at this as a good thing. It kept things more sanitary.

Because of the demands of life in the past 34 years, we couldn't follow through and keep things as neat, clean or organized as I would have liked.
Now, I am alone in the house and I am keeping it clean for the first time since I got married. I am organizing it as never before. I am fixing things that have been worn out or broken. I am getting rid of tons of waste, and freeing up the space it took up.
And now, my children are being confronted by TRADITION!
They will have to decide what they will do about tradition.
But from here on out, I will fight tradition with every ounce of strength I have.
My tradition will become, no tradition.
Then, when I am finished fighting tradition, I will move onto the next battle.
GUILT!

Meeting tonight

I haven't gone to the support group meetings since my wife got sick because my heart was broken.
Since I was one of the long term people, I was looked upon as someone who had advice to offer. I didn't feel like offering advice, so I stopped going.
I am going to stop in tonight to see if I can pick up some information, and to feel like I'm part of something again.
The end of this month will be my 2 years anniversary for my WLS.
Wow, what a difference.
I will try to describe my feelings and experiences in the next blog entry.
Right now, I am still overwhelmed by my wife's situation.
I don't think she will be here much longer, but then again, I thought that a few months ago. i don't know when it will end, only that it will.
Ill write more tomorrow. I hope I get my batteries recharged at the meeting tonight.

Quitting

I was thinking of closing out this blog.
I seem to have run out of things related to WLS to say.
My life is so much about my wife dying, and my attempt to keep my head above water these days, that I seem so negative when I write.
I don't mean to be that way, but it's tough when life changes this drastically and absurdly.
I went to a picnic/BBQ/ jam session on Saturday.
It was a great reunion with classmates I haven't seen since 1971! Wow.
The bands were great, and I even got up to play a few songs. I had practiced one song, and ended up playing 4. I had help from a great drummer and my amp builder friend who sang harmony with me on a Beatles song. He also sang "Blackbird" while I played.
I met someone who had a sad story to tell, and they were grieving. I have been so wrapped up in myself, and have been telling the same sad story for so long, that I almost missed the fact that they were grieving and had more to deal with than me. My heart went out to them, and I did my best to listen and offer comfort, although I ended up offering advice along with the comfort.
On the WLS side, I ate 3 small meatballs, a small scoop of potato salad, a spoonful of baked beans. I brought my own Crystal lite bottle with me, added some water to it, and did just fine. I did stop on the way home for some coffee because it was a very late night.
I plan to play much more in the near future, and hopefully will get involved in the support group again, although I'm not sure about that right now.
It felt good to get up and play again. I couldn't even hold my guitar two years ago.
It will be two years at the end of July for me since my surgery. I didn't lose as much as I'd like, but I still have time. One step at a time.
I head in for the blood work next week if I can remember. I will schedule the doctor visit the following week. I'll try to report the results, good or bad.
I've been having issues with low blood sugar after working hard. I want to get that worked out.

The end game

I am still here. I am going through a combination of both emotional and practical issues that are beyond my ability to handle them.
I will get back to the blog again soon. I did meet one of the respiratory therapists that is taking care of my wife today. She has been friendly all along. She told me she is getting ready to have the Band installed. She thinks it will be better for her.
In my experience, I Haven't met anyone who has had it and not had a ton more trouble than me. I'm glad I had the RNY.
More later...

What I am doing this summer

Goofing off!
This will be my first summer by myself.

• I plan to start practicing and playing my guitar for money.

• I plan to clean the whole house and get it ready for sale or for my keeping it, one or the other.

I have it all layed out in my head. Now this is important to me as far as the weight loss and this blog are concerned because my ADD and the rest of the world has always kept me from completing my tasks.
I will try again this year to see if I can really do what I say I will do.
I never could before.
Time will tell.