How crazy is that?

I have been in pain for a long time. Most of the pain was in my heart. Not my physical heart, but the other one. That is the one you can't do anything about but live with it.
To a physician, this looks like depression, but I can tell you that it's not. I know what depression feels like and this isn't it.
I will get over this heart pain soon. I am almost out of the woods.
But, I am allowing myself to feel it for a little bit longer.
I have been contemplating extremes. I always do that when I am working on a problem. This allows me to see each edge of the problem so I can work on it and solve it completely.
An variation of "extreme" would be if I were to walk away from everything after closing my bank account and cleaning out my limited retirement account. This would give me enough cash to go somewhere else and start over. This wouldn't work for me because I am too honest and there are so many checkpoints in the States, that my problems would follow me and I would end up no better off than I am now.

The other end of the extreme would be to ignore all my current problems and go for broke in some get rich quick scheme.

The true extremes are life or death, but those are only parameters, not realistic. I can't control when I die unless I consider suicide, which is something I won't do. I don't have any control over "life". I will live as long as I am supposed to live.

So, I will happily stay somewhere in the middle of the two extremes. I may get close to the edge, but it won't be for long. I have no desire to live with "blood pressure raised" situations all the time.

The other pain I have is physical. Have you ever slammed your fingers in a door? If so, you know the kind of pain I am in. After taking that damn statin drug, I had pain like that all over my body. It took several weeks for me to feel better. My whole body still aches just a bit, which could be related to the drug or it could just be old age creeping up on me.
But, the little finger on my left hand feels like it got slammed in a door. The other fingers and thumb are fine. Same with the right hand. It is fine.
So today, I have a doctor's appointment with a new doctor. He is associated with the new hospital and I am hoping this guy works out and is progressive enough to leave me alone and just fix my problems, and not hassle me about cholesterol.
Update: I just came from the new doctor. He gave me Celebrex, which turned out to be a NSAID which is a no no for gastric bypass patients. I will now have to call him and tell him that. I didn't realize at the office that Celebrex was a no no. I told him I couldn't take hard shell pill, only capsules, but I guess I didn't get through to him about the nsaids. Oh well, throw away another doctor.

I spoke with a beautiful woman the other day. She had physical beauty, but also was attractive to me in other ways. She is intelligent, and able to stay focused, which is rare. She also remembers things. I meet many people and have trouble with memory. Always have been that way. Some people can meet you and remember everything you spoke of a month later. Unless you are a close friend and I deal with you on a regular basis, I have a tough time with memory.

So, this woman helped me to focus on myself for a brief moment. She helped me to express my true feelings just for a minute. It felt good to be able to do that without feeling self centered or conceited. It felt to me as if I had allowed one door to close in my life and was getting ready to open the next door. I always move slowly, and cautiously, so now I am ready to open the door.
I am grateful to her, and she probably doesn't even know what she did for me.
The mirror she provided will allow me to move to the next step. I think I will send her flowers or something.

This weekend will be a bit chilly but will be clear. I am going to have to take a long walk to try to sort through the stress my financial life is now causing. I am again running out of money. I just got notification from the welfare department about wanting information so they can determine if they need to tell me to give something back to them. I wasn't aware that I had gotten anything from them. I turned the first letter over to my lawyer, but she hasn't gotten back to me.
As with all government forms, this one leaves much to be desired. It is all but unintelligible. The information they requested could only apply to someone who is very rich and can afford to hire accountants, and lawyers. I will compose a letter and send it in with the form and hope they don't decide to do anything stupid.

OK, what's next?

Powerless

I have had some insane dreams over the past year.
I've expected nothing less, since my life has changed directions so drastically.
I went from being too fat, to losing everything. Well, not everything.
The fact that I am on my own is one of the reasons I have had these crazy dreams. Maybe you don't realize how important it is to have friends to talk to in person. At least, it's important to me. I do talk to people, but not in person.
Every weekend for the past year, with very few exceptions, I have been a total recluse. I rarely get phone calls on the weekend. I do get texts if I initiate them, and I do a lot of surfing on Facebook. Sometimes, I do IM's on Facebook, but not many other places.
My inner voice is always talking. Sometimes I am able to ignore it, but then the damn music starts playing and a song will repeat over and over. So, my dreams become the place for me to defrag everything that is going on in my brain.
Recently, I have been watching old TV shows as I've stated in previous posts. I study people and it is good for me to see how others handle their problems. TV today is much better at handling things realistically, and that helps me to figure out what I need to do.
I do a lot of emoting during these shows as I try to rid myself of the pain of the past two years and move into the healing process. I am making progress.

I've been writing down my thoughts and trying very hard to finish everything I need to do here in the house. They predicted snow today and it is an early snow, and a heavy one.
About an hour ago, the power went out. The silence in the house was deafening, but the sound of the ticking battery operated clocks brought me to realize just how loud this house is. I can't hear the clocks when the power is on because there are so many things plugged in and they all make noise. Not a lot of noise, but it is there none the less.

Some thoughts came to the front of the brain when the power first went out:

• What the hell was I doing in a snow storm? I had planned on being in Florida by now, playing music for my living.
• My CPAP machine won't work without electricity.
  
• Everything is electric. What happens if the power stays off?
• No microwave oven. Everything I cook is done using the microwave. I did an inventory of what I could eat in case the power was off long term. I have plenty of protein bars in the fridge, and could use the gas grill if I needed.
  
• No TV, or other electronic media. My laptop computer stayed on because it has a battery, but the main computer went down.
• I would have to go out to the car in order to charge my phone. As soon as I lost power, one of my local friends started texting me. Soon, my daughter and three other friends were texting me.
• I went through the house and unplugged everything that I don't use on a regular basis. I found I still had a speaker system plugged in and it was making noises that I wasn't happy about. I also went into the basement to check the breaker box in case it was just my house.
• I got my under armor shirt on, as well as a hat in case it got cold in the house. I am much more comfortable with them on now.
• I took pictures of outside the house and did a quick tour to make sure the wires were still connected to the house. I also surveyed the neighborhood in case a tree fell locally that I could report. Everything looked normal, except for the snow on everything so early in the season. The snow will be gone in the next few days because the temp will go up again and there are no predictions of more precipitation.

The fire companies are out all over the place with trees and wires down, so the power may go out yet again.
So, today, I will stay home, but I may go outside as soon as I see the snow slowing down. I want to get my workout by shoveling the driveway and sidewalk.

Today, since I knew there would be snow, I had planned on staying inside for the most part. The snow is very wet and heavy, so it is not good to walk in. It would be like walking in a heavy rainfall. I have my shoe spikes in case I change my mind, and I can deal with the wet if I really put my mind to it.

OK, what's next?

Working in a coal mine, going down down down...

I found a gelatin capsule with Glucosamine/chondroitin. I hadn't taken it since before the surgery.
But the damn statin drug made my fingers and I needed something.
I ran out of fish oil about 3 days ago and I noticed I started to feel better for some reason.
So, I went out and got the stuff above and the fish oil, and started taking it again anyway.
I'm hoping the stuff will take away enough pain for me to start playing guitar again.

I also started working on a recipe book in my head. I doubt it will ever see the written page, but it's a good exercise for my brain.
I have another idea to write down some of my experience as a bus driver as far as safety and good driving habits are concerned, but that one will not make it either. They both sound better in my head than they ever will on paper.
I have several other ideas for books that will only be written if I am a total invalid and have nothing else to do except write. It just ain't gonna happen. I have too many other things to think about.

I have friends and family that have problems much greater than mine for the most part. I run those problems through my mind while driving and come up with some solutions, but usually keep them to myself because they do sound better in my head than they do coming out into the world. I do tell them sometimes, but they usually get shot down.

My son has some problems right now that I have no idea how to help him. But I know that I can't do anything for him other than to pray and listen to him. If I did help, he wouldn't grow and move forward. He was doing so well, but he screwed up and now he is paying the price. I personally hate making mistakes, but have learned to live with them so far.

I had some things I was going to write about tonight, but I'm very tired and won't be able to think clearly in a few minutes. Gonna head to bed.

Life and death!

So, I'm sitting on a hill in my school bus this morning behind a small car. In front of that car is a fully loaded 18 wheeler. This guy did 25 mph the entire way down the road I was on. The road is an open 2 lane with full visibility and the speed limit is 45, so I figured he was from out of town and I gave him a wide berth.
Now, he was stuck on the hill with nowhere to go. He couldn't figure out how to shift his gears in order to make it up the hill, and every time he tried to go, he stalled and had to jam the brakes to keep from sliding back down the hill.
In the meantime, there was a line of vehicles, including several school buses behind him. I run scenarios in my head all the time when things like this happen. I think about what I would do if his brakes failed and he started rolling backwards. He wouldn't be able to slow himself down and the truck would just roll backwards faster and faster until he started taking out whatever was behind him, until he would finally stop with multiple cars, trucks and buses mangled.
Then, it came to me that this was a real possibility. There was a small car in front of me, and that stood no chance against this truck. I saw that car (we're back to reality now) put the car into reverse, and start moving back from the now sliding truck.
I looked behind me and since my bus is bigger than the average car, no one behind me could see the situation. I had nowhere to go. If I jumped out of the bus, others would still get hurt. If I tried to slow the truck down when it got to me, I might have been able to save others, but I would surely get hurt.
When you watch TV shows, there is always music and multiple angles to view so that you can figure out what is going to happen next, and you can watch it from a safe distance. Reality isn't like that.
About this time, a woman comes around the passenger side of the truck and starts waving to us to move back. The problem is that we can't do that because we are all in line. There is nowhere to go.
So, I waited for her to get near me, and I roll down the window and tell her to stop traffic ahead of the truck so we can get around it. She does that and I am able to get around the truck and go on my way.
I pop the blue tooth into my ear and I call 911 and report what I consider to be a dangerous situation. The dispatcher takes my information and tells me that she will pass it on.
I leave the scene and go home to write this.

I got home 10 minutes ago and I'm still shaky. I was in a no win situation this morning, and I won anyway. In all my 38 years of bus driving, I have hated every second of the 15%, and wished I could be somewhere else, doing something else.

They say that you can train to avoid 85% of accidents. The other 15% you can't. But, you can minimize you risks by being prepared.

This situation was impossible to avoid. But, by the grace of God, it didn't happen.
I've since checked the online fire radio and haven't seen anything, so I am assuming the truck made it off the hill and everything turned out OK. The thing I am almost certain about, is that the truck driver and his woman passenger had no idea how serious a situation they had gotten into by not being prepared. They will likely continue on their trip laughing about how stupid the roads are.

I have to drive the roads with idiots like this everyday and I thank God I make it through without hurting anyone or getting hurt myself.

I am almost to the point of hanging up my CDL and all the years of training because I am scared to death of people like this.

Mindless idiots behind the wheel.

It's my turn!

I have written "It's my turn" sometimes in anger.
Sometimes in frustration.
Sometimes as a threat, or more accurately, aggressively. I don't make many threats. I am a gentle person.
I've made the statement as a way of trying to convince myself that it's a fact.
I've said it so many times in the past two years, and every time I say it, it's for a different reason.
I want it to be true.
I have done without for so many years.
It seems that every time I get ahead, there was someone else who needed what I earned more than me.
Now, I am trying to live up to the statement "it's my turn".
I am trying to be worthy of myself. I am trying to not feel guilty for buying myself the good socks instead of the cheap ones.
I have bought a few things that I wanted rather than needed, and have felt guilty.
I've done things that I didn't get to do before, and have felt guilty.
I've said things that I wouldn't have said before, and I felt guilty.
I've been quiet when I would have spoken up before, and I've felt guilty.

I now find that I am not feeling as guilty as before.
I guess I am now coming to grips with life. There are choices to be made, and I am making them.
There are things that should be done, and I am doing them without feeling guilty.
There are things that I don't have the time or energy to do, and they are being let go, and I don't feel guilty.

I have been working on two different things:
Thing one
Amp design and build.
I have to say that it's a pleasure working with someone who's main goal isn't to destroy whatever I am trying to do.
I am making decisions, and we have an open discussion, where I am not wrong all the time.

Thing two:
I have been talking to others who are alone in their present life and are experiencing much of the same situations that I am. I am finding myself actually thinking about their situation and instead of telling them what to do, I am seeing things from their perspective. I am able to ask questions, or make a statement that will really help them to look at their problem from a different angle. I am not trying to tell them what to do, or telling them that they are wrong. I am allowing them to live their life and just reflecting back to them what they just told me so they can see the situation from a different angle. Maybe, that will help them.

My favorite counselor during my trials and tribulations with weight loss and the loss of my wife, has evolved. I am no longer able to see them because they are moving on with their life. That is a good thing for them, and I am hoping they are happy. It might even be a good thing for me since it's time for me to get back on the horse and go out and have contact with other people. It has been a long time since I socially interacted with anyone, other than through my DJ/MC work, that I of course feel a bit apprehensive.

I am still dealing with all the problems I had before, but am learning to go more with the flow.

We hide the truth inside our pants!

Bill Cosby said that once in a tape I heard. It was broadcast on WMMR in the early morning, right after midnight. It was the last line after a series of supposedly profound statements in the form of poetry. I could explain further, but it is probably a waste of time.
I used to accumulate and collect one liners, and sometimes more than one liners so I could use them in conversation to make me appear "cool", when in reality, I did better without them.
The truth is, (not inside my pants!) I felt very uncomfortable interacting with people. You see, I had trouble because I would hear someone say something, or observe them doing something, and would be processing that information, trying to figure out if I needed to respond. If I threw out a one liner, then I would be free of that obligation.
I also had trouble because I couldn't send good information while receiving other information. If someone was talking to me, I had to think about what they said, how they looked, etc. I didn't have time to form a proper response. I could either take in the information, or send out some of my own. I couldn't do both.
Today, I am a bit older and have a lot more experience. So, I am able to read people better. I've also heard most of what people say and already know the proper response. So, I don't really need new one liners, although mine are a bit dated.
I look for new things all the time. That allows me to try to keep the brain working. I also get lazy and tend to fall back into the old patterns when I get tired.
Fatigue plays a big part in my life today. I get tired, so I cut corners when I can. I pace myself much slower and stop long before I'm worn out because I am afraid of running out of energy at the wrong place and time.
I also don't seek out social situations because I really hate playing the games. I really don't want to break new ground right now.
I had to force myself to go out the other night. I went to see my friends play in an area where they had a "Pub Crawl". The place was packed and I almost turned around and left, but I managed to stay and found one of my buddies. I let him take the lead so I wouldn't have to interact with anyone.
I saw several women that I would have liked to start a conversation, but I decided against it because I still don't want to play the game. I stayed sober (not hard to do since I don't drink) and saved money.
The music was good and it was a nice evening out. I was able to leave early enough so that when I got home I hit the sack and slept late the next morning.

I am working on two things right now. One of them is to redo my diet plan and see if I can get back on track. I am staying pretty much the same weight, and have recovered mostly from the cholesterol medicine, but I still have pain in my little finger. I am going to get that checked out.
I am also working with the dietitian. He sent me a bunch of information that I will plow through in the hopes that I can get inspired again.
I am working on another project in order to try to make some money. A friend and I are going to be building our own amplifier. The first one will be a prototype so that we can fine tune the amp to sound the way we want. After that, we will purchase several kits, build them, and try to sell them for a profit. I'm praying that this will be what I need to do in order to survive the next 20 years or so. Time will tell.

In the meantime, I made up a sausage stew/chili to try to stock up on food for the winter. I want to use up all of the containers I have with at least 3 different types of meals. This will allow me to have variety and to be able to portion out the meals. So far, I have 8 quarts of the other chili (ground beef added), and 7 quarts of the sausage. I have more beans available to prepare in the next few weeks and am going to try to do one more batch, this time using beef cubes and heavy on the veggies.
I am using my laptop to write this today, and am sitting outside in the afternoon sun. The old laptop has lots more pictures from the past that I haven't been able to transfer to the Mac yet. I just don't know how.

A clean mind, a dirty room.

Me in my room in 1972. I had a fishing net hanging from the ceiling. It changed the whole mood of the room. The bed is a double that was my Dad's. That was our first bed. I took it with me when we got married and moved. It was already 30 years old when we got it.

When I was a kid, my Mom would get mad at me about twice a month, and then send me to my room to clean it from top to bottom. I couldn't come out, of course, until it was all clean. I didn't figure out until a few years after that she got mad at me so that I would clean the room, not because I did anything wrong.
I would go in there all upset and angry, and then dig into it. I would go through every drawer, every nook and cranny in the place and throw out whatever no longer interested me.
Some things, I would keep because my parents gave them to me. Or, they would have other value, such as, I liked them or used them on a regular basis.
I learned how to clean things out without throwing it all out and ruining my life. I also felt better after it was finished because it was now clean. I would dust and vacuum along with trashing things.
My room was my home and I was proud of how I kept it looking good.
I would also rearrange my furniture when I could. It was tough because sometimes I had a very small room. In our second home, I had two beds. They were twin beds and I always slept on the same one. I could never feel comfortable sleeping in the other one, even though they were the same. I didn't have much room to move things around.
My parents never came into my room to check on things, or if they did, I never knew. The room was always the way I left it.
When we got married, I expected things to be the same for us as it was just for me. I expected things to be put away, and everything to be clean and neat.
Boy, that was a rude awakening.
Right after we got married, we had nothing. I had to get a job and I worked a very physical job, so I was tired when I came home. My wife was going to school at first, and then she went to work. So neither of us had time to do much as far as doing a super clean job on the place.
I remember tearing things apart and cleaning them. Donna pitched in also and soon we had the place as clean as we could make it.

Donna was going for her checkup because she was having trouble breathing. The doctor couldn't figure out what was wrong, and I got the opinion that he really didn't know what he was doing. So, I called a hospital in Philadelphia where my Mom died. They had taken good care of her there, but she was too far gone and they couldn't do anything for her. I thought they could do something for Donna.
They couldn't. It's a long story for another day, but after I did hours and hours of research in the library (before computers) about her condition, I determined they couldn't do anything for her in Philadelphia, so we actually snuck her out of there so she could come back home. I also pretended to be a medical records transporter and "stole" all of her medical records, x-rays, and blood test results.
We took all of this to her family doctor, and he was able to determine that she was really OK for now and that made us feel much better.
Donna had this problem recur over the years, and it wasn't until just recently that we learned it was a form of radiation burns to her lungs, and pleural space that was causing fluid to accumulate in her pleural cavity, affecting her breathing.

Just after I got her home, I went through this very strong feeling of loss. It was the first time in my life that I realized that we no longer had our parents to depend on. My Mother had died, and my Father remarried. He and his wife moved out of our home in Levittown and into an apartment. If I ever wanted to go back home again, I couldn't. It was no longer there.
This hit me very hard. I had no idea what was wrong, but I couldn't function. I didn't know what depression was back then. I didn't know anything back then.
Donna thought it was our relationship, and probably thought about leaving, but she stayed and supported me. I eventually came out of it, but I can still feel the desolation of that time.
I had accumulated a lot of junk back then that I didn't need anymore. I got out of the depression by going through my stuff and getting rid of most of it. I had some collections of things, and I really didn't get any pleasure from it anymore, so I got rid of it.
I couldn't convince Donna to get rid of her junk too, and we carried it with us through 7 moves. This is the stuff I am getting rid of still.
I just took 4 suitcases out to throw away. They were in the attic crawl space. I thought they might be used for equipment storage, but they were coated with the goo of time and I decided it was time to throw them out.
I found a file box loaded with cancelled checks from her parents up there too. I had thought that I got rid of them before, but I think they just grow back. They are so old that I might not even shred them. There are about 30 rolls of wrapping paper still up there that I will probably leave alone. I also believe there are two more suitcases, but they will stay too for now.
I piled about 12 boxes outside for trash along with the suitcases.
I am gathering up stuff the regular trash won't take. I have a friend who will pick that stuff up to take to the waste authority directly. I'll have to pay extra, but at least it will be gone.

Over the years, we collected lots of things in the anticipation of becoming financially successful. Then, we could buy our large dream home and have shelves full of nick nacks, antiques, and great things to look at. It never happened. We just continued to collect things, storing them in boxes.

I have an entire box of plaques from Donna's company. She received these awards every year for doing something or other, and they just kept giving her these plaques. Along with all the driving awards I received, they got stored. He plaques are just blocks of wood now, with a bit of lacquer and decoupage. My awards are paper suitable for framing. I also have a ton of little lapel pins. They fill up the drawer in my night stand.
Donna' plaques were too numerous for me to hang up anywhere in the house. I did try one time to put them on the basement wall, but that was kind of silly. The walls weren't painted then, and putting nails in the brick/cinder block just wasn't a good idea.
My father in law also had a pile of plaques and awards that were framed. They were stored in a box on the floor in the darkroom, so he they had no value to him either.

It feels good for me to touch these things. They had no value to Donna, but they are a part of her accomplishments, and I feel that. I was thinking of taking them to the attic and using them on the floor over the insulation to help keep the house a bit warmer this winter. I wonder what new owners would think if they saw that?

Donna's essence is still here. I can still feel her in the house. But, she is fading and soon will be gone. She died in a nursing home in Harrisburg, not here in the house, but both of her parents died here and they still haunt the place.

My stuff is getting ready to be packed up and sent to a storage facility. I will go out next week and get prices. I will then box everything I don't use and transport them to that facility. The house will then go up for sale. When people come to see it, there will be very little here that will give it our personality.

I remember the series of emotions involved with moving. I experienced them every time we moved. This will be the first time I go through it alone and it worries me. But I will survive. I go through the dread, the fear, and the excitement of moving to a new place. I go through the overwhelming feeling when I look at the amount of stuff I just can't live without.
I look at all the wires connected here. I look at the daunting task of cleaning a new place. I look at getting there and knowing that I don't have everything I need to live and have to go out and buy something.
I also think about employment. My job doesn't pay enough for me to live very well. So, I will have to compromise and lower my standards.
I hope my new place is secure. I hope it is quiet. I hope the heat and AC are comfortable. I hope the place isn't a dump.
Let's see what happens next.....

Breaking Bad, and other great shows!

There were so many TV series put out through the pay channels that were so good. Unfortunately, I didn't see the need to pay for TV other than for basic cable. So, I missed them all. The Sopranos came across to me through their blurbs on regular TV as too vulgar, or just using vulgarity as a way to lure people into watching the show. So, I didn't watch. I now know that they had an excellent show and may decide to load it up on Netflix when I run out of other shows to watch. I seem to prefer TV series now to individual movies. I have been a bit obsessed with watching them for the past year or so. I usually load them up when I eat. I also watch in the evening when I am too tired to do anything else. My fatigue has helped them and not me. I also think my depression has helped them too. It's much easier to escape into a TV series (a well done TV series) than it is to deal with the "real" world. I am really, really, bored with the real world. No matter how hard I work at it, I am still being buried in bullshit. It all started when my wife got sick and I discovered I could stream movies directly to my new HDTV. Over the years, I had to watch what my wife wanted to watch, and that meant no Chuck Norris! I saw some of the teasers for "24", but since I got up at 4am most days, I couldn't stay up late enough to see it. After hearing about one particular episode, I couldn't figure out how they could detonate a nuke and still keep the show going. So, I vowed to watch the series from the beginning to see how they did it. Way back in the stone age, if you missed a show, you were out of luck. When re-runs came out, it was great, but there were many shows you couldn't see because they decided they weren't worth it financially to re-run. Now, you have access to many of the shows, good or bad, that you missed. There were many shows that I considered excellent, or at least worth watching again, that I am glad I got to see. So, I started escaping.
I made a list of shows I wanted to see all the way through, and set about doing just that. I still haven't loaded up the Sopranos, but I'll get to them. My favorite books to read back when I was a kid, were science fiction. Heinlein was my all time favorite, and I have been blessed to be able to claim I have read everything he ever had published. When I found an author I liked, I would search out all of their books and set about reading them all. I did the same thing with music and record albums. My mind is filled with adventures that I will never get even close to experiencing. Real life is boring. Real life is painful and sad. It is not exciting. When the Scifi channel came about on cable, I thought "Yippie!". I was disappointed. Their first efforts were so bad it was laughable. Over time, however, they have improved their programming, and actually brought out some very good material. It wasn't all space monsters, or unbelievable natural disasters. "Warehouse 13" is a great show. It lead me to do a bit of surfing and I found a show called "Heroes" which is among my favorites. I just finished "Lost". It was a long series that was written like a video game with all kinds of obstacles, and lots of intrigue, whatever that is! It kept my interest and I'm sad that it ended. It actually ended several times, with resolutions to the character's problems coming, but the show went on anyway. It kept me guessing, and I liked that.
"Life on Mars" was a short series that reeled me in after a very slow start. It was under 20 episodes, and I was concerned that they would just leave the story hang instead of finally revealing the secret to the plot. They did resolve it, however, and I am satisfied. Another thing that I have been doing for many years, and I really should write a whole post just on this topic (maybe I will), is this: The first year after we married in 1977, I went through a period of time where I almost lost my wife to her cancer. It was a very rough time for us. I dealt with it by going through a very strong period of depression. I realized I couldn't go back home, and I would be lost without my wife by my side. I was lost and alone in my feelings. So, I decided to examine every portion of my life and see what I needed to do about it. Everything I was used to doing during my daily routines was examined.

• When I got up in the morning, what did I do first and why? Was there a different way to do it? Was there a better way to do it? These were the kinds of things I looked at.
• How did others handle life, and can I learn anything from them? I have always been a voyeur in that sense. I am not interested in looking into bedroom windows, rather, I want to see how people do things. Crowd watching has always been a favorite pastime for me.
• Could I do anything to change my life for the better?
• Did I really need everything I owned? I did a lot of clearing out of clutter back then, even though my wife did the opposite. I found my mind cleared up with fewer material things in my possession. Of course, I had things I couldn't part with, and things I had to keep for various other reasons.
• Why did I buy the car that I bought?
  
• Why did I want more things and better things?
• What did I learn from my parents? Did they have all the answers?
  

And the list went on. So, I've found it very helpful to me now to return to those days of examination to determine what I need to live, and what I can do without, or with less. For example:

• I love HDTV and the new access to all the great shows. I have found them useful in my recovery. But, I can see myself getting rid of the TV and the extreme expense of Netflix and Cable and not missing it.
• I love computer access. I am still not sure if I can do without Facebook, email, and the vast database of the Internet. Rather, I wonder if I can survive by going to a wifi spot rather than being connected all the time? The cost of TV, Netflix, and the Internet could drop my yearly expenses by quite a bit. I would still have my computer, but I would probably have to sell it and get another type of portable machine to communicate. I still have two printers (one is an all in one that I haven't used), but I wonder if I even need those.
• Phone? I got rid of my house phone and don't miss it, but could I go back to a bare bones basic cell phone?
  
• I have been seriously considering quitting music altogether. I have about $5,000 worth of equipment that I couldn't get $5,000 for. I would take a loss, but wouldn't have to deal with all the gizmos and gadgets. My music has been with me all of my life and I wonder how big of a step it would be if I sold everything and gave it up. This one question is the biggest one I have to consider.
• How will I make a living? This one has so many variables, that I can either just go out and get a job, or go through them and end up being happy with what I do for a living. The first way is the easiest, and probably the most practical. The second is really what I should do and by far the hardest thing I would ever do in my life.

So, there I go.

• I lost my kids to moving out.
• I lost my Father and Mother.
• I lost all of my grandparents.
• I lost my wife and her whole family.

And...

• I lost weight and have kept it off.
• I gained my life back again.
• I now have choice available to me.

So, what do I do next?

• I have to keep moving forward, no matter how strange it is.
• I have to keep looking for answers, no matter what I find.
• I have to make decisions for myself and no one else.
• I have to live life, no matter what it brings.
  
• I have to believe I am here for a reason, even if I am just a placeholder. So, I have to keep on moving.

I will keep on writing about my journey through life as long as it's relevant to me.

The Pain! The Pain!

I try to follow a general pattern because I've done it all before.
I do this with my food intake since I no longer have anyone around me that I have to please, except myself.
So, I showed up around 7:30am, which is late for me. I usually get there around 7am., but the past few years, I have been working with an amazing partner who has been organizing things to make it much more efficient to get things done.
He showed up around 8am. During the time I was there alone, I received help from some of the stronger people there. They helped me to carry the sound system out to the stage.
The canopy we use behind the stage as well as the table were already there.
When I first started doing East Petersburg Day years ago, things were much different. I did much of the work myself. I got help from a few very helpful people, but much of the grunt work was mine from beginning to end as far as the stage was concerned. There were also many restrictions which have since been removed, so things have gotten easier, if you can call a 12 hour + day easy.
So, with that work out of the way, I assisted with the cables for the speakers, and set up my DJ outfit. Then, we were able to start playing music over the sound system to entertain the workers while we waited for the crowds to show up.
I used to pick and choose each song, but have stopped doing that for the most part. I now run two CDs, one for the left player and one for the right. I just let them play while I help with other things.
We walk the entire park to make sure the sound is everywhere.
We take pictures, as you can see above.
We talk to as many vendors as we can to make sure they have what they need. We also gather information about them so we can tell the people about them. This is part of what they pay for. I try to give as positive and informative information on the microphone about each and every vendor at our event.
To be a bit selfish, I decided a few years ago to patronize everyone who advertised in the ad book as I could. I used many of the services offered. My landscaping work, plumbing, etc. were all from advertisers and vendors. Even my Chiropractor was a vendor at East Petersburg Day a few years ago.
As the day goes on, I did the MC work, introducing the Police Honor guard, the singer of the National Anthem, and the Mayor. I did all the other announcements throughout the day. We had several events going on at the same time, and it sometimes got confusing, but I don't think anyone is going to shoot me for forgetting them.
It started to rain just as the Lititz Academy of Dance came on to do their thing, but they kept dancing in the cold rain and mud, and the crowd stayed to watch them. Many people had umbrellas, surprisingly, even though the weatherman said there was only a light chance of precipitation.
I had a chair that I got to use only a few times. Mainly I was on my feet the whole day. I had trouble climbing up the stairs onto the stage and only did that when I absolutely had to. I probably took about a dozen trips up and down. The Crestor makes me hurt when I'm actually going up and down the stairs, but it doesn't linger. So today, even though I am tired, I am not overly sore. Now, if I had to go up the stairs again...

Since I am the one with the camera, I usually don't get the chance (or want to) to have my picture taken. I did ask Ken to take one picture of me and he did a good job. Of course, I was sitting in the chair at the time!

It's 4:05 pm right now, and I am resisting taking a nap because I know I'll sleep until 9 tonight and then be awake all night. I went food shopping this afternoon, and will take it easy the rest of the day, even though I should cut the lawn.

I spent some time this morning uploading pictures and videos to Facebook as well as making comments to make sure everyone I could think of was mentioned that contributed to the success of the event. I did not get to take pictures of the opening ceremony since I was onstage, and I didn't attend the teen dance, which was after the fireworks. I parked the car across the way at the church, and had to walk all the way around with very sore knees since they had the short cut blocked because of the fireworks.

They had activities for dog lovers too that I didn't get to see. It was raining and they were on the other side of the park under the pavilion.

There was one picture I didn't take which was a group shot at the carousel. Since I was in it, I couldn't take it. It will be on Facebook soon. The fire company also took several photos of the park from the top of their ladder truck. I hope to see those pictures too.

Tomorrow is the time I will start my new plan. Let's see what really happens....

EPD 2011

Note: This post has now been edited. There are some minor changes in content.

The calm before the storm of emotions. I always get it the day before a big event for me.
East Petersburg Day has been a big event for a long time for me. Maybe not for everyone here, but it hits me pretty hard.
I always feel elated afterwards because of the success of the event. There are many people involved, and many of them do way more work than I do. I used to give it everything I had, but now, I pace myself.
I try to do the best I can with the energy I have.
I am still very sore and tired from the Crestor. It is lingering on. My fingers hurt, especially since the temperature dropped.
I was going to practice guitar, but I think I will just survive on what I did before. My heart still isn't in it.
A big event like this also brings back thoughts of my wife. She never participated in the event, even when I asked her to come along. I was always disappointed. It broke my heart that she couldn't be as excited about my work as I was of hers. Even so, I miss her.
A few years ago, she brought over one of the grand kids there that she had agreed to watch for the day. Donna was so exhausted, that she could hardly make it across the field. I had to take over. I stayed with her until she could walk again, then I went and got the car so I could take her home.
Donna was still able to do some things with the grand kids, and she was grateful for that.
I usually go over to the park on Friday evening in order to offer my help, but this year, I am going to stay home. I am so tired and sore.
I will be going over there tomorrow around 8am, and stay there until I am no longer needed, which used to be around 11pm. This year, I am hoping to be home around 7pm.
I am not doing the teen dance since they hired a DJ. It's amazing that I should even worry about it.
In all the years I have worked there, I've done it gratis. I've never asked for or accepted payment for my work. I did it for myself and to prove to my wife that I am worth more than she thought I was.
There have been folks who refuse to donate their time and demand money for the work. I don't understand that. Oh well.
I have some extra money for tomorrow so I can eat. I will not follow my diet for the most part. I will probably buy a sub or hamburger, and will drink lots of water.
I will be behind the stage for most of the day. I will go up on stage to announce the Honor Guard, and Mayor, and will do most of the advertisement microphone work hidden from view.
I will push the "play" button for the recorded music, and may get up to play a few songs onstage, as mentioned above.

I have been seriously considering quitting music altogether. I have never been without it, and wonder if I can actually live without it. I can always go back to it if I change my mind. Maybe I should become an actor, write a book, or do something else that is creative? Hmmmm...
My mind is on other things, and after this event is over, I will put my body into action on those things.

• I will be changing doctors over the next month. I will no longer accept pills as a solution to my aches and pains. Also, no more attempts to defeat my depression. I am no longer depressed. I am anxious to get back into the world.
  
• I will be cleaning out all of the closets upstairs. I will pack everything up and move it into storage in the basement. I want to finish everything up in case I get the chance to move.
• I may paint the closets. I still have paint leftover, and have a few more areas to touch up.
• I need to caulk the porch areas, and may even try my hand at repairing the back bedroom door. Anything I do that is basically labor without parts, will improve my living conditions as well as make it better to sell the house. One less thing to do.
  
• I will be selling off all of the music equipment I no longer need or want. I will keep only what I plan to use. It's strange that I have music equipment stored all over the place. I am going to try to organize it and keep it all in the same place, but don't know if that will work.
  
• I am still trying to be creative, but need to finish all the cleanup in order to see things clearer. So, I will be taking long walks and maybe take my laptop along with me so I can write a bit. I also have a very nice recording unit that I can use to talk out my thoughts if I can. I've found for the most part that I have better luck typing things out than talking into a recorder.
  
• I am on the fence about the new songwriting program I tried. I like it, but wonder if I will ever find my muse. I may buy it sometime down the road, but for now I will pass.
• I am working on a business plan to make some money to replace my school bus driving income and ease the financial situation. I know I won't do well in an inside job, or some other "normal" work environment, so I have to go into business for myself.
• I am still thinking about the snowbird thing. Now is the time to try to do it. I am considering taking a week off and going South to see just what is there and if it fits me. In order to do that, I have to make sure my bus route is taken care of. That's not going to be easy. Lots of prep work.

It's still nice to be alive enough to complain about the pain of hard work. It's also nice to just be alive.

Truckin' without drugs!

At one time, my goal became to ignore all holidays, and people gatherings and just live my life.
I was going to ignore Christmas, New Year's, the 4th of July, etc..
I went to visit a friend the week before Christmas, and wanted to find a place were we could just sit and talk. I thought it would be nice to go to a mall because they had food and drink there and lots of places to sit.
I had forgotten it was the week before Christmas and it was one of the largest malls on the east coast.
I can't believe I was that stupid!
I found out I can't ignore the holidays because they are a major part of American life.

So, I now limit myself and isolate myself when I can. I never liked being part of a crowd, and always felt on the verge of panic whenever I was among lots of people.

I didn't feel that way when I was onstage playing for a crowd. I don't know all the reasons why.

I read lots of books when I was a kid. Many of them involved traveling to places on other planets, or exploring the wilderness. I thought about going to those places and the excitement of all the adventures.

I still dream about them today.

One of the ways I was able to become an explorer and yet still be safe, was to hike with my wife. We would go to trails or parks with trails, and spend hours walking, talking, and taking pictures. I have thousands of pictures on my old PC laptop of those trips.

I miss doing that. The past years and a half, I've stayed very close to home, and I haven't taken any pictures other than the house and East Petersburg events. I realized that this morning after thinking about the destruction of Lee and Irene.

My two favorite rail trails are pretty much inaccessible and probably damaged heavily.

If I want to take a drive, I would have to go South, way South just to be able to drive without running into roadblocks and detours.

Anyway, I figured out that in order for me to get back to some sense of normalcy, I am going to have to get back to "exploring" again soon. I have taken drives, but they were more for my sanity than they were for enjoyment. And, I didn't take any pictures.

Donna and I would go to the disaster areas and take pictures. I still have shots we took going down River road along the Susquehanna during the ice jams. Huge blocks of ice washed up onto the road in the middle of the winter.

We took pictures where ever we went. I haven't done that. I have to do something about that.

We've been talkin bout Jackson, ever since the fire went out!

My conversations with myself, especially when I am being self centered, greedy, and selfish, are about escape.
What would I do with money, if I had it?
Where would I go?
How would I design and build a house?
What charities would I donate to?

My favorite thing to think about is the second question followed by the 4Th question.
I talk to others that I would like to go somewhere warm. I want to be warm all the time. I don't want to spend time indoors. I want to live outside as much as possible. Ideally, I would like to live outside all the time, and sleep under a canopy or tent. I am not a fan of bugs, or crawly things, so I would probably want to sleep inside somewhere.

I like the idea of being able to have two places to live. The "snowbird" concept appeals to me. Live in Florida from October to April, and then go North for the summer. South doesn't have to be Florida. It could be another Southern state, but I want to be somewhere that likes music and allows me to play and sing for a living.

I am pretty upset by the appearance of two tropical storms that hit Pennsylvania. Usually, we can joke about storms and not even notice them because they occur elsewhere.
This time, however, we got hit by both.
Irene came through and scared me to death. There were no limits to the power of that storm. It was supposed to be high winds, and heavy rain. We got very high winds and steady rain, but it wasn't a lot. The wind was the scary part of Irene.
I am glad I had the tree outside the bedroom removed last year, because I am almost sure it would have come down. I've never heard winds like that before. I never want to hear them again.
Irene did do damage, but not as bad as expected. Oh yes, there was damage, but we've had thunderstorms in the summer that did the same type of damage.

Then, along comes Lee.

After all these years of named storms, I had never had one using my name.
Hurricanes are supposed to be named for females, but everyone I spoke with or observed, looked at Lee as male. I don't know why.

Lee never made it to hurricane status. It became a tropical storm and then was downgraded pretty quickly.
The thing about Lee is that "she" moved slowly and dropped amazing amounts of rain. So much rain that she caused major flooding. I found out this morning that the nearest official rain gauge measured 9.2 inches over a 24 hour period. Top this off with the rain from Irene, and my basement flooded a bit.

Pennsylvania was the main state that was affected by Lee. We are the ones on the news right now.
I've been prepared for rain storms since 1992 when we had a flooded basement around New Year's Eve because I didn't know anything about rain gutters or channeling water away from the house. I researched the subject online and fixed as many problems as I could afford back then. All of the problems except one.
I didn't waterproof the basement. Now, I did waterproof the walls of the basement, but didn't do anything about the floor.
It turns out that we have a high water table. It is closer to the surface than other areas. So, when it rains a lot, the water rises through the floor of the basement. Our floor is concrete. There are invisible cracks in the concrete and when the water rises, they expand to become visible and water seeps in. When the water table drops, the water goes away and the basement dries.
I have a sump pump that takes care of the water, but that means that I can't store things on the floor or put carpet down.
Since I channeled the water away from the house using the rain gutters, I haven't had a flooded basement since 1992. So the only place for water to come from to do damage is through the floor. I've had prices quoted which make it very expensive to waterproof under the floor. It would also require major work on the basement. I'm not willing to do that, so I will deal with the occasional hurricane.

I had pondered moving my music equipment downstairs last week so I could practice in a big room, instead of the closets I call bedrooms. I'm glad I didn't do that.
I had a few cardboard boxes down there that I was going to start filling with stuff.
They got wet.
Two of the boxes had books in them.
They got wet.
The water stayed to one side of the main floor, and because the floor is angled properly, the water flowed slowly to the hole in the floor where the sump was. It really didn't help to sweep the water along, but I needed the exercise, so I went down and swept it along every few hours.
I set up fans and ran the dehumidifier also.
I moved the books and boxes, but the aroma of wet boxes still lingers. I will have to do a very thorough cleaning of the entire basement over the next week or so to get rid of the odor.
The water was clear and odor free, so I am not too worried about mold. I will clean with bleach however to make sure.
I have the windows open to help air the place out.
My exercise the past few days was sweeping. Today, I ran the mower. I was amazed at how easy that was. I really thought the mower would get bogged down in the heavy grass, but it didn't.

I have to say that I was very lucky to only have a half inch of water in part of the basement. The next door neighbor did get lulled into that false sense of security and had carpet and furniture in his basement. he had two feet of water, and much of it was not clean. He has a drain in the floor and the sewer lines got full and backed up into his basement.
I did all the work myself and my hands and fingers are really sore, probably a leftover side effect of the Crestor. I wore gloves to keep from getting blisters. Another neighbor didn't wear gloves and his hands are now a mess.

I took a drive today along my bus route in my car (school has been closed for two days now) and observed major roads along my path that were washed away by Lee. I will have some real problems navigating my school bus because the damage will take some time to fix. There will be lots of traffic jams to deal with.
I watched TV tonight and they showed a whole town underwater that wasn't too far away from here, In fact, this morning, I watched video of areas from here to New York that were completely underwater. Marietta is where we go to jam. They have lines on the walls of the bar that show where hurricane Agnes flooded. Those lines have been crossed by Lee. Elizabethtown, just 15 miles North of here had 15 inches of rain. Mount Joy, Manheim, New Cumberland, are now under water. Literally!
Hershey Park and Knoebel's Amusement Park are under water. The zoo at Hershey park lost animals in the flood. The park is accessible from all 4 directions, except now, you can only get there from one direction because bridges and roadways are washed away.
A man was swept away and drowned in the storm a few miles from here (Manheim) in a stream that came across the road. During normal times, you wouldn't even know the stream was even there.
They are comparing this storm to "Agnes" which occurred in 1972 and caused similar damage because of the amount of rain. I was younger and braver back then! Now, I think about all the work I did to this house in the past year and how I would feel if I lost it all to a storm named after me.
It's good to think about things such as the questions written at the top of this entry. It's nice to dream. It helps me to sort out reality from fantasy.
I've been immersed in a show called "Lost" where the people are stranded on an amazing island with lots of secrets and dangers. Reality is much more boring.
Life is still good, even if it is a bit scary.

It was a dark and stormy night!

Tropical storm, Lee, never made it to become a hurricane.
It's legacy will be large amounts of rain along with tornadoes.
It's interesting that everyone is referring to the hurricane in the male, rather than the female.
We are dealing with the rain from Lee as I write this.

I started and stopped taking Crestor this past week. I started at the suggestion of my family doctor as well as my surgeon, and stopped after I was unable to stand up after squatting to pick something up. The pain in my joints, knees, and fingers was intense after only a week and a half.
Never again will I take any statin.

I was able to do the car cruise this past Saturday, but wasn't much good for anything after that. I did have fun, however, playing all 50's and 60's music as a DJ, and seeing the great collection of cars. We had a 40 foot large blow up screen playing American Graffiti after the sun went down.

I downloaded a trial copy of a songwriting program to maybe help me to get unstuck and finally write a song. I have no ideas in my head right now. They are all buried deep down inside waiting for me to find my muse to help bring it out. If I can't write something using that program, I should hang it up completely and never think about writing again. I know that I can do it, so stand back and watch me work!

I decided to clean out my closet in the bedroom as well as the rest of the room. I will clear out the clutter, and pack stuff away.

My goal this fall will be to close up the back bedroom. I want to be able to close the door for the winter and not use the room for anything. I may buy some carpet or maybe the fake wood flooring, or I may not.

I want to set up one area of the house for my music. I want to get all my stuff in one area so I can sell off what I don't need, and catalog what I do so I know where they are. I have plenty of containers for storage, and I finally want to get organized and label everything.

I found out that if I am busy working, I don't eat as often. That seems like a pretty stupid thing for me to not know, but I really didn't notice before. I will start to use that to eat more healthy with less grazing in order to take off a few more pounds over the fall and winter. The less time I spend in the house doing nothing, the less I eat.

I started driving the school bus again. My mornings are pretty much the same as last year. I have to write up a turn by turn sheet so I can take off a day or so now and then. I had a perfect year last year. I have done that for many years with only a few days off over the years.
My afternoons are much longer. I have to take a second trip up to Lititz due to the hours of the one school. The last student goes all the way to the southern end of the county and I get home around 5:30 instead of the 4:00 I used to do. I don't mind, but I have to watch what I drink so I don't have to stop for a bathroom break.

I readjusted my protein bars, eliminating my need for carrying the sucrose pills. The protein bar has a little more sugar in it than my old bar, and if I eat it while walking, I don't get the blood sugar drop that I had before.
In the meantime, the rain keeps coming down.

My fridge is playing the drums!

Sounds like it's time to buy a new one! It's making all kinds of funny noises.
I guess it doesn't like crystal lite!
I've been filling my time working on stuff that I didn't need to write about here, so I haven't written for awhile.
I am now taking Crestor to lower my cholesterol. This is on the advice from my Bariatric surgeon. My family doctor, I don't know so well. He means well, but can't understand that I get joint and muscle pain from statins.
I've tried them all. But, he says this one is different.
The pain creeps up on me, and by the time I realize I have it, it is way too late. I feel like an old man. Everything hurts, and it hurts to do anything. So, I lay around instead of walking or working, and I eat because I want to get up and go out but I hurt so I don't.
I really don't give a damn about my cholesterol. I will live for another 15 years, and then die. No big deal. I don't want to waste away to become a vegetable. I want to die when I'm ready.
No senility for me. I just want to fall over dead from a heart attack, when it's my time to go.
I am not ready to go yet. Too much to see and do before then.
I lost the weight, but the cholesterol stayed with me.
So now, I will crawl out to the chair and watch some more TV.
And I've only been taking the damn pills for just over a week now.
sheeeshhh!

Tunnel vision and Future shock!

The end of summer always depresses me. I guess it's because I always hated going back to school.
When I was a bicycle riding kid, we used to explore by ourselves new and exciting places. I covered miles and miles riding. Everyday, we would map out a new place to go and then head out for a nice long ride. It was my first taste of freedom.
Levittown, PA. was a safe place for bike riding because traffic was usually limited to the main roads, and there were always low traffic areas to go. The people who drove through the various sections lived there, so there were few cars to deal with. To cross a main road, there were places you could go where traffic was limited also, and easy to navigate.
There were parks, canals, and quarry lakes too.
Hills were also fun for us back then when we had much more energy. There was one hill in a section called "Magnolia Hill" that we measured with our bicycle speedometers (odometers). It was just about 3/4 of a mile long. We would trudge up the hill to the top. Then, we would turn our bikes facing down (it was a gradual grade) and glide, not pedal all the way to the bottom. We would time ourselves and check to see how fast we were going at the bottom. We spent many weeks doing that.
The great thing about Levittown, was that we had public swimming pools close by. We would get up in the summer mornings, and take our long rides, come home for lunch, then head over to the pool to spend the afternoons. They opened at noon, and closed to the general public (teens under 12, I think) around 6pm. It was "adult" swimming after that. It was a rite of passage for us to be old enough to swim after 6pm.
So, it didn't matter how much I ate back then. I was burning calories like there was no tomorrow.
Meat and potatoes, no junk food, and lots of sweet sugared iced tea!

My Mom probably loved the fact that it was safe to let us go exploring and then swim all afternoon. It gave her time to herself at home and she knew we were OK.

Going back to school meant not being able to ride as often, or swim anymore. Our physical activity became limited and we were forced to sit still for long periods of time. Phys Ed was generally boring, and intimidating, particularly if you were uncoordinated. I always hated team sports, and failed miserably at them. The school always smelled funny, and was too hot or too cold. I grew to enjoy the outdoors.

So, these same emotions followed me through adulthood. I still hate having to sit still for too long. Working doesn't allow me to be outside and moving. Little or no exercise due to the fact that I have to "earn" a living doing things I don't like doing. I haven't been able to break that pattern, but I have found way to compensate, most of which have been fattening.

What happens when you put a dumb animal between two piles of their favorite food? They starve to death trying to figure out which pile of food to eat first.

This is not what has happened to me, but I still feel like a dumb animal.

I have been confronted with "opposites", rather than two piles of my favorite food.

Whenever I start to feel good, I am bombarded with a series of negatives that prevent me from moving forward.

The statement "I am afraid of failure, and I am afraid of success" explains how I feel. Both halves of this phrase freezes me in my tracks.

I haven't found the solution to this problem. How do I overcome fear of success and failure?

In the meantime, I am succeeding far more than I ever thought I would. Yet, I feel like crap anyway. This has always happened to me, yet I am still here. I plan to be here until I'm finished with whatever I'm supposed to be accomplishing. I sometime envy those who know why they are here, and can move forward without delay. Me? I get stuck.

With my wife gone, I sometimes feel like it's all a waste of time. I do things, but there is no one but me to see them completed. There's something missing from my life, and until I find that again, I will continue to have those feelings of emptiness.

Future shock occurs for me in so many ways. Technology has advanced so quickly, that it's hard to keep up. I was taught to take care of things to make them last a long time. Yet, even if I take care of my computer, HDTV, or automobile, they will become obsolete in a very short time.
I have old friends who have failed to embrace the beauty of technology, and I wonder if I could ever let it go and disconnect and still be happy.

• It is so nice having a thought and being able to look it up online and find out about it right away.
• Being in contact with people all over the world and never having to leave my home area to communicate is amazing.

So now, I pay a lot of money to stay connected, and throw away perfectly good electronics every few years instead of keeping them until they wear out. I still have my LPs and old school stereo hooked up. I listen to the analog radio signal almost every day that I'm home. But, I play the digital laptop music player too. I have 40,000 songs to catch up on!

If I were to buy a bicycle, and ride all summer instead of working, cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the house, I could recapture some of the good feelings of my youth. I would also probably get run over, die from living in a dirty house, or end up on the street with nothing but a bicycle.

One last thing, and then it's back to finishing up the painting:

My guitar provided me with great pleasure back when I earned my living playing it. I was 11 when I started, and it was everything to me back then. I had stopped riding my bicycle by then, and it replaced the high I got from riding nicely.
I have tried to get that passion back many times. Most recently has been been in the past year. But, I haven't found it yet and wonder if I should just let it go. I feel as if I have something to contribute to the world and music is one way to express it.
I pick up the most beautiful guitars I have ever owned, plug them into awesome amplifiers, and just can't find the inspiration to play them more than a few minutes at a time. They feel good in my hands, but the true feeling isn't there. Music is pure emotion, and I've been suppressing emotions for so long that I wonder if I will ever get them back.