Question for you?

Background first:

I'm sitting here, out of energy for the day. I still have stuff to do, but I don't have the energy right now. I'm gonna sit for awhile longer and then head to bed.

I've been up since 4am, which is pretty normal for me.

So, I thought I would sit here and recover for a few minutes and ask a simple question:

How long has it been since you didn't watch TV or mess with the computer in the evening?

Tonight, I had to unplug the TV in order to paint behind it. I won't be able to watch TV until tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to survive.

Last year/This year

Last year, during this time, my life was in turmoil.

My wife was in the process of going through her chemotherapy to reduce the tumors. There were two choices she could make:

1. The slower/safer course using older technology. this involved taking a pill every day and then getting checked. it would have taken 6 months or so to reduce the tumors, and then they could take care of them.
2. Advanced chemotherapy. This is a severe method that works quickly. She would go for a 6 hour treatment once a week for 4 to 6 weeks. They would keep track of her body chemistry to make sure she was tolerating it. It would make her hair fall out, and would put her at severe risk for infections and other problems. There are also long term side effects. 

I was skeptical about the heavy duty stuff and wanted her to go with the slower/gentler course which was the old way of doing things. that technology was proven, but it also was much slower.

She chose the second course of chemo because she believed she was strong enough to handle it, and she wanted the tumors to be reduced quickly so she could get back to her normal life. Radiation therapy was not an option since she had already had that when she was a teen.

We were getting ready for the holiday, and had no idea where things would go.

I was heartbroken because I could see Donna getting sicker and sicker. I was worried about her, and also worried about me. I didn't know what would happen if she died. I didn't know what would happen to me. Yes, I was a bit self centered. Who isn't?

Donna made it through the first 3 courses of chemo before she started losing her hair. I took her to a lady who had been through the chemo herself and sold wigs and scarfs as well as being a beautician. She cut Donna's hair off and fitted her for the wig.

Donna never got to wear the wig more than a few times before she went into the hospital for the last time. The chemo knocked her down and she never got back up. She tried to recover, but there were too many things going against her.

This is the first year I am on my own since she died in August. I remember the horrible feeling of being totally helpless, not being able to do anything to protect her. How else did I handle things?

Well, the first thing to be sacrificed was my health. I was so worried about the future, that I started buying easy meals. They are called "Steamers". They are fairly healthy, considering that they are pre-packaged.

I stopped formally exercising, instead to go out and walk. I lost sleep, and spent hours fighting the urge to run and hide instead of going to see her waste away, sick and weak.

I am still in that pattern. I haven't been able to break it, yet I am content because my weight hasn't gone up. I still take my vitamins. I drink my liquid. I walk quite a bit, and I have been cleaning the house out.

I am in the process of painting the place, and have been fighting to play my guitar again, which I should be able to do next week, God willing.

I have been going for counseling and that has helped a lot.

I have been noticing that others who don't have the trauma to deal with also have been fighting their own demons. Once I got beyond a certain point, I found that the old habits tried to creep back into my life. They have disguised themselves, and that makes it tough to continue to lose weight. But, I have always said and believed that the surgery was a tool and not a cure.

I am grateful this year that I don't have to celebrate the holiday that was never mine to begin with. I have my own beliefs, and they don't concern you or anyone else unless I tell you about them, or you ask me. I hate it when people try to force their beliefs on me, which is why I am grateful for a break this year from Christmas.

I gave away my lights, and decorations.

I am simplifying my life, and since I really can't leave here this year, it is a good thing.

I am still in mourning, but I am moving towards a future that is bright because of my prayers, and God's grace to grant me the ability to see what's next.

I miss Donna.

Life is good.

Stuck for a bit

I have been documenting my dreams in an effort to make sense of them and to get unstuck. It's all part of my quest to move forward. Every night, the brain goes through this process of defragging. The information the brain works on are pieces of events we experienced previously. We apparently don't take the time to sort them out when they happen, so the brain takes these pieces and place them into some sort of order while we sleep so that we don't end up losing touch with reality. Dreams are just the part of that process that we remember. When we look at them after we are awake, we can figure out stuff we need to in order to feel a little better about things.

I have dreams of meeting dead relatives, and friends. I have lived through many of the events I shared with my wife in my dreams so that I can make peace with myself and her spirit. This has resulted in concentration that has robbed me of some quality sleep these past few weeks. But, it's been necessary. I need to resolve these things, or I will end up blaming myself for things I have no control over. Those times have passed. I can't allow them to rule my life or I won't get anything useful done.

While I'm awake:

It seems that I have so many things to do, that given the opportunity to do something useful, rather than necessary, I choose the latter.

I clean the house, or organize something. I plan something out, then go do something else. I get swamped once a week or so, and I just shut down. This happened yesterday.

I used to have the energy to work late into the night, and then with a few hours sleep, go on with the next day. Now, if I don't get my nap every day, I am a mess, and it just gets worse.

My energy levels are at new highs compared to what I did 10 years ago, and as recently as 3 years ago, but I am getting older. I've written about this again and again. I got stuck on it because I am trying to conquer it.

I used to be a clean nut, and now I have that chance again and am trying to follow through with it. I just don't have the time or energy to do it all. Oh well, one thing at a time.

• It is too soon to start dating again. I would like female companionship, but I now have different values. I am not looking for more kids, so the next relationship I hope to have will concentrate just on the two of us, with minor distractions for the kids and grand kids. They will be a part of my life, not the majority of my life as it used to be. 

• Holding hands again would be oh so nice!

• I am really starting to enjoy the fact that I am the only one living here. I like the solitude, but not the loneliness, if that makes sense.

• The thought of going back into the crazy, sick society bothers me. I don't want to play the games again. I don't want to get dressed up. I never quite figured out why I had to anyway. I would rather live most of my life in casual clothing, blending in, not standing out.

• I am not fat anymore. I am almost normal. I can hide the excess flab around my belly with clothing just fine. I look like a typical, normal older man. I feel like a teenager.

• The world still fascinates me.

• I like speaking correctly, and spelling the same way. I hate the new shorthand in both speech and typing.

• I love the new technology, but haven't tried a Wii or video games. I still don't understand the extra appeal of Blu Ray, and I haven't figured out if I can download stuff onto my cell phone without paying for it.

• I still find myself stuck in front of the TV for hours when I should be doing something else. I can't move the treadmill to the Living room, because it won't fit, and I won't move the TV to the basement. I also won't buy a second TV for the basement.

• I miss my wife.

• I miss my old friends. I tried to organize a get together for old friends in my old hometown, but so far, it hasn't worked. I would love to sit with people and just talk for hours again, like we used to when we were kids. I know people today have other obligations, but it would be nice. I guess I'll have to settle for Facebook.

Over the next few days, I will be trying my hardest to do two things:

1. Finish painting the living room.
2. Learning how to program the IMAC for recording my music.

The first on is the toughest because it should be the easiest and it isn't. I hate painting. I know I can just dig in and finish it, but everything inside of me is fighting to keep me from finishing the job. I have the whole house to finish. I just did some finishing work on the new enclosed porch. I just installed doorbells.

• Today, I made up a ground buffalo meat/rice combination so I would have some variety to my meals. I promised myself I would go out to eat two nights in a row, and instead made buffalo. It kept me from going out into the cold, and I thought it might allow me to paint some more. I did manage to paint some trim this morning, and after this piece is written, I will try once again to finish the one wall so I can start to move the furniture back. I did get the one set of curtains hung along with the new rods.

So now, I will stop writing this to edit it, and then I will go out and try to do the wall.

Life is good!

Wish me luck.

Just had to write something

I took possession of a new IMAC desktop computer yesterday and I wanted to comment about it here.

I spent time setting it up yesterday, and still don't understand much about it, but if it works, I will be able to record my music and move forward in a big way very soon. 

There are many things about it that are not quite right yet. I don't think I have it set up the way it should be. But, like all computers, there is a learning curve.

Looking at it compared to my Dell laptop, that I bought less than a year ago, is like the difference between a Ford and a Rolls Royce. The craftsmanship is amazing. This thing is a work of art. The mouse has no buttons on it, but has 4 functions built in and all you have to do is touch it.

• It has a left button
• It has a right button
• It has a slide sideways thingy
• It will scroll

All of this without buttons!

The keyboard is very small with large keys, and is very easy to type with once you get the hang of it. One problem I have is that it is missing keys, or I just haven't found them yet.

• No backspace key. I'm sure there is a backspace function there somewhere, I just haven't found it yet.
• No beginning or end keys. I always correct my spelling as I go and I use those keys a lot. But right now, I don't know where they are. I have heard there is a larger keyboard available, and if I don't find the missing strokes, I may just have to invest in one.
• No page up or down keys. They have to be here somewhere!

The keyboard and mouse are wireless and the computer is mounted in the monitor, which is huge, by the way. There are no wires anywhere! Wow! When I go to my Dell, I have to climb through the maze to get there and I have to be careful to not pull anything out. The mouse is not as easy to slide around as I would like. I have to move it so far to get to another part of the screen. I think there is an adjustment somewhere, but again, I haven't had time to look.

When I say the monitor is huge, I mean in viewing size, not actual size. It has a 21 inch diagonal screen. It is super clear, not anything like the Dell.

The footprint on the table is so small compared to the Dell.

I am hoping to use this as a tool, and not so much as a toy.

It has stereo speakers, a camera and mic built in. They came with the unit, not as an add on with the Dell. The software I needed came loaded, plus I have disc backup, that the Dell doesn't have.

Ergonomically, this thing is very nice. It's easy to use and see everything I need to see.

I downloaded a variety of programs I use on the Dell, and they work flawlessly. I still have to figure out the best way to transfer pictures over. Apple has a nice program where I can make collages with music, and I plan to do a tribute to Donna that I couldn't do with Open Office on my Dell.

I will leave my music alone for now since I am going to fill this drive with my own music soon.

All in all, if this computer works out, I will be transferring everything over to it and probably sell the Dell, along with a pile of other stuff I have accumulated. This will help offset the cost of the new computer, which isn't that much when you consider all the stuff it comes with. It really is a wonder.

If PCs were this nice, Apple wouldn't have a chance.

I have downloaded security software and installed it even though they say Macs don' get hacked all that often, but I am not taking any chances.

My exercise program this week consisted of moving construction materials for the porch, and painting. Last night, I installed one of the curtain rods, and hung my first curtains. I was very slow because I didn't want to make mistakes that i couldn't repair. It seems to have worked well, although I am not too happy with the new curtain colors. I will look around for better colors and materials with my next purchase.

I went for a long walk last night after bundling up. It really wasn't that cold, but I was for some reason. I couldn't get warm yesterday. My new winter layers are wonderful and I felt very comfortable walking. I stopped by the grave site, and found that the stone had been installed. I couldn't take a picture of it because my cell doesn't have a flash. But, it looks just like it's supposed to look and I am pleased.

Today, I have to go look at doors at Home Depot, and then I'm going to go to a candle shop to stock up for the winter. I like scented candles in the house. They smell better than the house after years of people and animals. Once I get the carpet cleaned or replaced, that aroma should dissipate somewhat.

Arrrgghhh

I asked my son's friend to enclose my porch using insulated walls last week. He showed up yesterday and since my son has a bad back, I went along with him to Home Depot to get supplies.

• 33 2x4s of two different lengths
• 8 sheets of R1-11 siding panels
• Various pieces of hardware to complete the task

I was planning on continuing the priming/painting work,but old age crept in.

I felt as if I was getting the flu last night. I was sore and achy and cold.

The outside temperature has dropped and it rained most of yesterday, so I imagine the humidity had something to do with it. Some of the kids on my bus are sick, so I thought I was catching something.

Anyway, I took a tylenol caplet and broke it apart and took it with a sip.

About an hour later, I started to warm up and feel better. So, it's not a bug, it's just old age. I think I'd rather have the bug.At least with the bug, I would get over it. Can't do that with old age.

This morning, I went back to Home Depot to pick up more supplies. I have a sore shoulder now, but have more tylenol in the cabinet should I need it.

I didn't get any painting done last night but I did manage to set things up for when I do get started. I slept well.

I can't imagine what will happen when I finally get back to a full time job. My energy level is fine, but my endurance is terrible. I fizzle easily.

Life is still good. I am not complaining, rather, I am just writing down my thoughts in case anyone is interested.

So many friends.....

When we moved into this house in 1992, we had been living in flat white walled apartments. The house we bought in West York had a light blue and rose theme per the real estate agent's wishes. He thought that that would be a good color combination and he was right. It helped us sell the house when it was time.

Donna had bright shiny blue eyes. That was what drew me to her in the first place 34 years ago. When I bought things for the house, it was those eyes that I wanted to highlight.

It didn't matter what went on, good or bad, in our life, I was in love with those eyes, and the woman attached to them.

So, when we moved into the house she grew up in, I wanted to highlight her eyes. I wanted bright colors because of the bland colors of the places we had lived before.

I painted the living room a deep beautiful blue.

I painted the hallway the same color. I added deep blue carpet for both areas. Nice, thick carpet. I didn't think about the future or re-sale appeal.

Our bedroom was painted lipstick red with a white ceiling and white carpet. It made Donna glow, and I loved it.

My son wanted institution green for his room, so I brightened it up a bit and gave it to him. My daughter liked the color in her room, which was a very pale green with a mural on the wall from her grandparents. I can understand her wanting to retain that style as a memory of them.

When she moved out, I painted the room a brighter green, but left the mural alone. It was tattered and falling off the wall, but it was still there. Donna wanted that room as her sewing room, so I painted it bright for her. She didn't like it. She never got to change it. She never got to use the room.

For some reason, I never got to paint the bathroom or kitchen. They look terrible and worn out. They are some color that I can't even describe. Her parents were traditional, with bland colors. The kitchen has stains from all the years of cooking. The floor is in the same shape as are the ceilings of both rooms.

So over the years, I have painted the living room and the bedrooms. I also painted the basement this past year with a combination of white paint and waterproof white paint. This brightened up the basement considerably. There is just a bit of sunlight that comes in there during the day, and that helps a lot.

I painted the garage too. My Father in Law never got around to that. I tried to put an angled red white and blue pattern on the one wall, but it looks terrible. I'm not an artist and that proved that no matter how sincere I was about trying, I'll never be an artist. At least I can sing and play guitar!

I am working on the porch too. It had aluminum screened walls that wore out over the years. I am having the walls replaced with permanent ones to stop the breeze and add another room. I have to put some kind of floor on the concrete, and maybe paint the brick walls. Another project that will add value to the house when and if I sell it.

When I originally painted the house, just before we moved in, I was working and not too fat. I did a lot of the work myself, but Donna helped. I think the kids even chipped in a bit too. I had the carpet put in by a professional.

Much of the improvements over the years have been done by pros, but I have done a lot myself too. The problems came when I got too fat to do the work.

Donna never helped with the lawn mowing, but instead, she did the gardens. She never finished them, but had intentions of doing so. I always used a push mower, sometimes self propelled. I used a plain push mower when I had the WLS as a form of exercise. You can read about that in the archives.

I am in the process, of being obsessed. I want to finish everything that was started here. I don't have anyone living here with me, so I should be able to work until I drop, walk away, then come back and finish something without having to worry about anything being disturbed.

I can do that, but so far haven't been able to. I spend a lot of my time wasted as far as actually working. Oh I have gotten a lot of thing finished, but there is so much more to do. If I were to work 8 hours a day painting now, I would be finished in a week or two. My ADD doesn't seem to want to allow me to do that. I am frustrated, but have learned patience and don't let it bother me too much. I have made so much progress in my whole life, not just fixing the house.

Painting is good exercise. It is low impact and steady. I need to concentrate and not allow my muscles to relax. It is not aerobic, although the fumes in here make me wonder if I'm being affected.

I am at a standstill as far as my music is concerned while I am fixing the house. My fingers are sore, but it's my mind that isn't allowing me to play. Something is still blocking me from just doing it.

I still have a list a mile long of things that I have to do. They pile up until I just take the time and do them. I have two letters to send out tomorrow with death certificates. I have dishes. I have to fold the summer clothes and put them into the Cedar chest.

I have to sort all the papers that Donna's death caused. Bills, taxes, insurance, medical.

I want to get a budget started so I know how much money I need to make to maintain this lifestyle and still be able to go on vacation.

It's funny, but I cleaned off my desk two weeks ago, and you wouldn't know it to look at it today.

I spend too much time on Face book and here!

Ramblings of a mad man

The holiday is over for now, and it causes quite a drop in emotion. It does that every year, but this year, it is a little more intense.
Many people reported on Facebook that they couldn't sleep last night and I was one of them. I got up around 2am and couldn't go back to sleep.
It's all part of the holiday aftermath.
I have tried to stay away from the things that make me not be able to sleep. I follow patterns if I can. I go to bed around the same time every night during the holiday, rather than stay up later.
This year, I took long walks before bed. Unfortunately, I stayed up later than I should. I am alone, and lonely, and that makes it tough to go to bed early.
So, I watched movies, and TV, and did other things in the evening.
Now, I am tired. I have things to do and I'm tired.
Forcing myself to enjoy something isn't near as much fun as actually enjoying something. (madman)
I think I'll take a nap and try to get something done later today.
I accomplished so much this holiday, yet the let down of the holiday itself shadows that work.

• I pretty much kept to my diet. I had two tubs of leftovers that I brought home, and still have one of them. They are about a quart in size.
  

• I walked a lot, but not enough. The wind always discourages me from walking and it was windy a few days. I waited until late evening to walk one day because of the wind.
  
• I did get my priming/paint project started, but got this cheap primer that doesn't seem to want to cover the walls, so I either have to take it back, or use it for several coats and hope it stays where I put it. I would hate to take it back to Wal*Mart and stand in line for an hour. Next time, I'll buy the good stuff.
• I did a lot of research on recording equipment and have several choices, or none. One of them requires me to finally break down and buy a Mac. The cheapest choice would be to forget about recording multiple voices and just do me playing guitar and singing. I could also quit playing altogether and save a lot of time and money. Nah...
• The movie I saw helped me a lot. Crazy Heart is about a guy my age who has finally figured out how to survive the rest of his life (unlike me) by getting and staying sober. I have been sober since 1980, so I've already got that licked. The problem with a movie is that it's just that. Life is different. I did see several part of The Wizard of Oz in HD. It was brilliant as always, but in HD, it was amazing! I am so glad I bought the TV.
  
• I bought a Lane Cedar hope chest. This may sound like something strange, but I've wanted to buy a piece of furniture that no one else owned, and this was it. I cleaned the 10 drawer monster dresser out, moved it to the back bedroom, and cleaned the area where it was before placing the much smaller chest in it's place. This opens up room in my bedroom and makes it look larger. I will store my summer clothing there instead of the closet. This will open up room in the closet so I don't end up cluttering it up. My wife's cedar chest is worn from years of abuse, so I will probably sand it down and refinish it over the winter before trying to sell it, or give it to one of the kids. I have one other storage chest that is not cedar that I will sell. I found out that if you have storage space, you have the tendency to want to fill it with something. I will have lots of space in the near future, but I won't fill it with anything other than the bare basics. I will be selling the huge dresser, so if you're in the market....
  
• I will start work on the porch soon. I got an estimate to put up two walls in order to enclose it. Right now, it's a breezeway in the worst sense. The wind howls through there pulling out any warm air it can from the two bedrooms. Even though they have double pane windows, the bedrooms still get cold. If I enclose the porch, It will cut that wind, and I will have a place that I can use as a quiet place. The walls will be insulated, and I may heat it later if I decide it's needed. I can use a space heater for now if I choose.
  

I'm trying to find myself, and I am surprised and disappointed every day, every waking moment, and even sometimes when I'm sleeping.

Without the weight loss surgery, I wouldn't have been able to get even this far. I couldn't have lost the weight on my own. A disaster would have been in the works had I not found it.

Sometimes, I feel like the guy in the story "Flowers for Algernon" . I had the miracle happen, and now I feel as if it's slipping away. That's the mad man inside of me. I know I don't have to let that happen.

So, as I finish the second useless coat of primer, I have other more important things to do.
Onward and upward!

Getting it done!

I have been prepping the living room for paint and primer for a week now.
I get a little more done each day, but the thought of returning the walls to a boring dull shade of white or beige, is repugnant to me.
It makes me sick.
However, the real estate agents tell me that people won't like bright walls, and if I decided to sell the place, I need to tone down the walls.
I am glad I have the energy to do the work. I just hate the thought of doing it. Now, if it was another bright shade of blue.....
My bedroom walls are lipstick red. If you go way back in this blog to the pictures of the piles of socks, you will see the wonderful color.
So, the hallway, living room, bedrooms, kitchen, bathroom all have to be boring. UGH!
I'm going to get out for a few hours and not think about it.
It's like fingernails on a chalkboard to me!
Black and white for you to ponder while I'm gone.....

Happy Thanksgiving!

I tried to use this photo as my main photo for the blog, but it cropped off to the side. I'll have to downsize it and try again. In the meantime, this is me after our meal today. I can still move!
I miss my wife, but it's good to have grandkids to help me through it.
Thanks Lilly and Jackson!

Small Bites

I will be going to my Daughter and Son in Law's home on Thursday for the holiday meal.
I wanted to have the celebration here at the house, but couldn't do it. Too many ghosts here and in my head.

I will spend this holiday preparing my home for sale. I will sand, prime, and paint. I purchased curtain rods and curtains for the living room. I have rods for the whole upstairs, but didn't get the curtains yet because I wanted to see if I could find more choices.
I was also thinking about heavier curtains for the back of the house where the sun doesn't shine. My present computer room, doesn't get any light because the windows look onto an enclosed porch. So, I will probably use insulated curtains there. If I keep the house, it will be a little more insulated. If I sell it, someone will probably not like the curtains and will replace them with their own anyway.

I will also think about what I really want to do with this house. It would be so much easier if I could stay here, but I need to leave.

I bought a power supply for a digital recording device that my friend gave me, but as far as I can tell, the unit is fried and useless. I think the power supply did that, but the unit didn't work when I plugged it in the first time anyway. Now, it doesn't light up at all. I will do some testing today, but will probably just give up and try something else. It was a nice drive going down there and back, so at least there was that.

I am going to have lunch with a friend on Saturday. I haven't been able to see him for awhile. We will try to stay far away from the craziness of the holiday shoppers. I truly hate this time of year. It's been ruined by the shopping and poor economy, as well as the commercialization of a religious holiday. There are other religions in the country, and there seems to be a group of people who are trying to brainwash non-believers into becoming one of them. That's the way it seems to me. I have to be on guard against them all the time. Do me a favor and leave me out of it!

Mud Pie

I bought some beef cubes so I could make up something, but I wasn't sure what to make.
So, I thawed them out so I would have to make something or they would go bad. I hate wasting things.

My beef cubes got browned in olive oil yesterday morning, with garlic, vinegar and banana peppers, a teaspoon of real butter, some dried onion, and sea salt. After browning, I covered the pan and allowed the beef to completely cook through, about 10 minutes on medium heat.
Then, I added distilled water to cover the beef and brought it all to a boil. I stirred it once or twice.
I allowed it to simmer uncovered at medium heat for about an hour.
While this was going on, I cooked up a pile of brown rice. The long/slow cooking good stuff!
I was also working on 2 chicken breasts. I had finished them the night before, so I pulled the meat off the bones and stored it all in a plastic container.
When the beef was finished, it was nice and tender, and very flavorful.There was still quite a bit of water in the pan, so I added the rice to the mixture and that absorbed the flavorings and water. I also added some cooked from frozen spinach, and a can of black beans.
I had my beef mixture. I separated it all into containers and stored one and froze the others.
Then, I has rice left over, so I combined veggies, black beans, and the chicken together along with some extra seasonings.
I transferred them over to plastic containers, and froze them.
I now have 3 different meals in 10 quart size containers.
My Killer chili
My Beef cubes
My Chicken rice
Each container takes me through 3 meals, sometimes almost 4 meals depending on how hungry I am.
Since I am alone and no one else eats with me, I can eat the same thing every meal if I choose, or I can use it to supplement other meals. It's also convenient when I am in a hurry. My portion size takes 2 minutes on high to cook.

On a side note.
Sometime in the very near future, I will go back to the beginning, and do the high protein, low carb diet to jump start my system again.
I am still grieving, and no matter how badly I want to get on with my life, I have to take things slowly.
I am still eating too many comfort foods. Even though they are very small portions, they are still more calories and carbs than I should be taking in.
My current weight is 218. I have maintained that weight since April of this year. My wife's illness and death slowed me down. The lowest weight I've gotten through the WLS was 202 and that was just before she got sick.
My heart is still healing. I didn't think it would take so long. I thought I wasn't as sensitive as I am. Oh well.
I will get there.

Having and Being

I have a story.

I had a friend in school who lived close by. He and I spent hours just talking about things.

My friend convinced me to go to college after high school, even though I wasn't planning to go. I really didn't know what I wanted to be, so I figured college was a waste of time.

I was playing my guitar for a living back then, but never considered that a job or a career. It was, however, my life.

When I went to college, I started out by enrolling in the music program because I figured that was where I should be. I didn't think about any other subject because I really wasn't interested.

I took basic psychology as one of the elective courses I needed to get a degree, and was fascinated by the subject. So, I took other courses dealing with the various forms of psychology.

The school I was in allowed the professor to speak about the various disciplines of the field of psychology. I had no idea that these educated professionals would embrace one philosophy and not another. Each one had their own idea of what was right and what wasn't. They each decided to shun other philosophies, even if some of what they believed turned out to be in harmony with their way of thinking.

Luckily, even though my professor was rooted in one philosophy, she also taught many of the others, I believe I was able to get a well rounded look at the philosophy of psychology.

While I was fooling around with psychology, my friend was dabbling in other areas of philosophy. These areas of study would take one idea and examine it to death in order to try to find the truth. Sometimes, the discussion would border on absurdity, sometimes not.

To me, it seemed a waste of time. There were as many ideas out there as there were thinkers. Some “non-thinkers” came up with good ideas from time to time because they were thinking outside the box, so to speak.

So, as I learned about a set of philosophers who were intent in figuring out the meaning of human behavior, my friend was working on philosophers who were trying to figure out the meaning of life.

He convinced me to study some of the different areas of philosophy, away from psychology, and so I followed along. General Semantics, and Aristotelian logic were two that were opposed to each other's ideas.

Followers of Aristotle believed that 1+1 always equaled 2.

Followers of Alfred Korzibski's General Semantics believed that 1+1 wasn't always equal to 2.

When I tried to study both of these philosophies in the same semester, I failed. Not the courses, but rather, the ability to discern the difference between the two. The equation and the answers these two gave were absurd. Both of them are right, and both of them are wrong. Think about it, if you dare.

It seemed to me that the philosophers who concentrated on why things were rather than what was wrong, were more interesting to me.

I wasn't interested in the fact that someone was psychotic, as much as I wanted to know what made them that way.

I believe that sometimes the philosophers were the ones conjuring up the problems, and I found that to be true in many cases over the years.

So, as I ramble towards the meaning of the title of this post, and why it is important to me, I finish with the background story here.

One of the philosophers who was also a psychologist, was a writer who actually had something of value to communicate.

I will focus on this philosopher's theory, which is the title of this post.

Having and Being.

If you live in the United States of America, you are living in a state of having. Or, I should say that this is a society of Having, not of Being. We seem to live in order to accumulate things. We are not as concerned with what happens to us after we die, or how we worship God while we are alive. We are in a constant state of getting more and more stuff. Bigger houses, better cars, more toys for our children, more toys for us.

There are countries in this world that are living in a state of being. India is one country that comes to mind. They believe that they are here in order to serve God, so they are not so obsessed with Having things. They are more concerned with Being something.

Of course nothing is an absolute, even this statement. Not everyone in the United States is in the state of Having, and not everyone in India is in the state of Being. But, it seems to be what one would think when looking at either country.

I believe it is important to find a balance between Having and Being, and not to be totally in one state or the other.

Money is not the root of all evil. The pursuit of money without considering anything else might be considered the root of all evil.

Examples of “Having”

• In the end, the one with the most toys wins!

This is a very good example of what I am trying to say here. It is only one part of the pie.

Example:

• When I was growing up, I hardly remember anyone having an off-site storage unit for their extra things. If they had anything extra, they might have had a shed to store it, or in the attic or basement. Now, according to some educated idiot, there is over 2 billion square feet of storage space in the form of storage units being rented nationwide.

There is a relatively new disorder known as “hoarding”. I first became aware of it when I watched a TV show about it. Then, I observed that my wife couldn't bear to get rid of anything without great distress in her feelings of well being.

Example:

We moved 8 times over 34 years of marriage, and every time we moved, we had more and more stuff to transport. There were boxes of things that never got unpacked, yet, we had to take it along with us.

I came to believe that the purpose of getting a larger house with every move, was so that we had enough space to store our stuff. It certainly didn't seem as if we need more space to live. I would have been happy with a second bathroom.

Another example is the fact that most people store things in their garage that for the most part is nothing but junk, while they leave their very expensive, and very important car or truck outside in the weather.

What are some of the good things about Having?

• You can have your memories with you in a physical form, if you can find them among all the other stuff.

• You can give things away to others in order to help them. How many sets of old pots and pans, dishes, gizmos and gadgets do you have that some poor family could use? You can help them out without spending a dime. Give them your old stuff!
  

• You can pass things on to your kids. Memories are the things we seem to want our kids to have the most. Ancestry is another gift for the children. My wife's family goes back to the earliest times of this country's history. it would be a shame to throw any of it out. The problem is that we didn't live in a museum, and no one came to our house to look through our boxes of stuff. Most of the stuff wasn't the kind of stuff we would display anyway.
  But, we had to have it. Having made us important. I am in the process of gathering and transporting these things to one of the family members so that I won't have it anymore.
  

What are some of the bad things about having?

• You bury yourself in the past and can't get out. Again, as stated above, the only time this is bad is when it becomes an obsession, rather than a hobby. We've all seen the TV shows where someone has every thimble ever made all over their home, or something similar.
  

• You are restricted in your movement. Our home is our castle. It's a place where we go to escape the insanity of the world at the end of our day. It's a place where we can entertain our friends should we decide to do so. If, we pile it to the ceiling with our stuff, no one will want to come and see us. We end up comforting ourselves with our stuff, rather than sharing time with our friends and family.
  

• You can't find anything. My ADD allows me to find things because I know which pile they are in. But, I will not allow my piles to become so restrictive that I can't move around my home. When you have all the extra stuff, your mind becomes cluttered, and as we age, our memories can lose their sharpness. Combine the two, and it becomes a problem.
  

• Your mind becomes as cluttered as your possessions. Moderation in all things is a good idea.
  

• You waste too much time with the past and not enough time on the present. There are times for both. In my grieving process, I have been very frustrated because I want to move on, yet I can't seem to do that until my grieving is over. So, I am living in the past for now in order to make sense of it and allowing myself to eventually put things into prospective. I will survive and will begin to move forward at a faster pace as soon as I am through this process. I am not wasting time, although sometimes it seems that way to me.
  

I heard this theory of Having and Being just a little while ago.

It hit a note with me. I have been looking for answers as a way of finding closure and moving on. I have considered two extreme ways of dealing with the situation:

1. I thought about spending every penny of the insurance money I have and that will force me to deal with the present and either sink or swim.
2. I thought about selling the house and all the stuff that I absolutely don't need in order to survive. Then, I would put the money away and move into a bare bones apartment to live the rest of my life until I can figure things out.
   

Having and Being has really helped me to understand what I am going through and where I will end up.
Both of the above extremes need to be seasoned with ration, common sense, and logic.
There are people in India who walk around totally naked without any possessions of their own. That's a bit extreme. The super rich people are the other extreme. There needs to be balance. That's what I will be trying to do in the near future.
Having and Being also explains a lot about my eating patterns over the years and why I got fat. As I move away from Having and more towards Being, I will become more balanced and will be able to lose the rest of my weight, or at least enough to consider it a success.


Now, if only I can Have just a little more before I start Being....

A good walk ruined.

No, I didn't take up golf.
I walk for many reasons, none of which are for exercise.
The practical side is that there is exercise involved and it is good for me, if I do it a lot and for a sustained period of time.

• The large muscles in the legs take over pumping the blood through the body. This gives the heart a break. That's a very simplified version of the process. Running, I'm told, isn't as effective as walking. I know I would love to be able to run. That's a feeling of freedom I don't think I will be able to enjoy unless I manage to lose another 45 pounds or more.
• I remember when I walk. I remember the good times, bad times, happy and sad times. I let my mind wander and remember. If people see me with tears in my eyes, I can always lie and tell them that I have dust in them.
• My mind sort of defrags a bit. It's just like sleeping for me. The brain defrags itself while sleeping. It sorts things out and files stuff away, allowing me to function another day without going off the deep end.

This time of year is perfect for walking outdoors.

• There are aromas (odors) here in Lancaster County. There are sounds. The sun is bright, but not hot.
  
• I can wear my sweatshirt to start the walk, and take it off to cool down. Nothing else to remove when it's hot out without causing problems.
  
• I don't work up a sweat, no matter how hard I chug along.
• The leaves on the trail soften the walk. The colors are nice too.

In the past:

1970's

• When I finished a gig at 2am, I would come back home and be too keyed up to sleep. Yes, we were rockers, but most of the time, we were sober. We may have played the part, but we didn't live it. I would unpack my car, and then grab a glass of chocolate milk and chug it down. Hit the bathroom, and then go out for a walk. I was lonely back then and felt depressed. It was a let down when I finished playing. I was high on the music and the ego trip, and then I was all alone. So, I would walk the quiet streets of Levittown until I stopped feeling sorry for myself. Then, I would turn around and head home to sleep.
• My wife and I would walk for many reasons. Recreation to see new sites, just to talk and be together, taking the kids to see new things, etc. I miss those times.

One of the problems with growing up, and older, is that you learn to "pace" yourself. I know if I go all out, my recovery time will mess up my life for the next few days. Therefore, I will not go all out much of the time. My fitness level suffers because I will not go all out.

1988 (?)

I made a deal my Daughter one time, that we would enter and walk in a 12 mile fund raising event. Neither of us were really interested in the fund raising part. We just wanted to see if we could actually walk 12 miles.
The course was set up so that we would leave from just outside of York, PA. and walk to Mountville, PA. along old Route 30 (Route 462). There were plenty of stops along the way for food and drink, rest rooms, etc. If we didn't make it, we could get a shuttle back to the starting point. We both walked a bit before the event so that we could build up to it, but I never got further than 5 miles.
The day of the event, it was chilly in the morning, but sunny and clear, just like today.
They rang the bell or shot the starting pistol, and we headed out. We were both wearing good walking shoes, but there was a crowd and we both hate crowds. So, we decided we either had to fall back, or charge ahead. We decided to charge ahead. We walked together and cut in and out of the people to the left and right, and finally after about a half hour, we were alone. Since we were already walking at a good clip, we kept up the pace to stay ahead of everyone we could. There were people ahead of us, but they were experts and in much better shape than us.
The halfway point was Wrightsville, PA. on the west side of the Susquehanna river. We forced ourselves to stop at the fire hall there and get a sandwich and something to drink. The break also highlighted the fact that neither of us had ever walked that far before, especially at that speed.
People started to catch up to us, and many had already dropped out.
We had the choice to continue or go back home. We decided to continue, even though we were very relaxed and a bit sore at that point. It's tough to get back on the road when you feel like you don't have anything left.
The bridge over the river is just over a mile long and we had never walked over it before. It was beautiful, and by that point, the crowd was thinning out.
We hit the other side and the streets of Columbia, PA. were all broken up, and angled to drain water, rather than to be walked on. It's an old worn out town.
The angles, ruts, holes, and stones hurt my legs and I realized that in order to finish the walk, I would have to go "all out". No pacing here. It was all or nothing.
So, I trudged on at a slower pace, but I kept going. My daughter was anxious to keep moving, so I allowed her to get ahead of me.She was just a bot younger than me, or course, and had way more reserves than I.
She finished up about 15 minutes ahead of me, and my last few miles were not very pretty. But, I did it!
Then, I had to climb the steps into the school bus to take the ride back to York. Nope, couldn't do it! I had to sit down on the steps and take them one at a time.
I ended up taking a day off from work (the walk was Saturday. I took off Monday). I rolled around on the floor in pain for a solid day and night. It was a week before i could walk again. My Daughter did a little better than me. I'll bet she could do a 12 mile walk again today!
That's one of my favorite memories. We walked for the sake of walking.
Today, I was walking on the Junction Road rail trail. It's a 2.5 mile trail that has markers every half mile. I walked out at a fast pace for 20 minutes, took a break, and then walked back at a slower pace. I took my sweatshirt off on the way back.
I was stopped by a guy who was passing me. He asked me if I had ever been to the place that was on my sweatshirt. I had to think a moment because I don't usually read my own sweatshirt.
I told him it was a gift from my parents. He said he had been there and it was beautiful. Then, we parted ways.
The sweatshirt is very comfortable. It's baggy and worn out, so it stays out of the way of my movement. It's also my old size, so it hangs a bit long. Stretched out, worn out....just the way I like em!
When I started the walk, I was a bit depressed because of all the things I needed to accomplish this week that I hadn't,. I had been wondering what to think about during the walk to make it productive.
I was walking angry, so I was going pretty fast. My fists were clenched, and I was chugging along.
The guy asking the question about my sweatshirt helped me to focus on what to think about. It opened me up to new ideas. I was sort of stuck up until that point.
By the way, the walk today was a little over 2 miles, measured by the markers and the fact that there is a bridge a bit further than the marker.
I will be able to climb the steps up the bus today, and will be able to walk again tonight. That's one nice thing about pacing myself.
I hope I never learn to play golf!

Drooling on myself!

I play guitar and some other instruments. Who doesn't? Everyone plays something it seems.
I watch Paladia HDTV and love the variety of sounds that come from the guitar played by different people.
I found a cerebral guy to set up my guitar. Set up is a way to make sure everything on the guitar is working to it's absolute best, or the way you want it to be set.
This guy was a genius at it. he made the guitar I have almost play itself. You see, you are supposed to learn everything you can about music, and then forget all that stuff and just play. If you can do that, people will take notice. You may never be a superstar, but, you will be noticed.
This guy also plays guitar, but he is not well known except in his field. he is a player's player. The kind of guy everyone wants to be, so they watch him and learn from him.
So when I go onstage, I want to be that kind of guy. It's an ego thing.
I also want to play what is in my heart. That's the really tough part.
Right now, I can play what's in other people's hearts, that is, the songwriters. But, it's tough for me to find what is in my heart and share it.
This is a life long problem for me and many others.
The blues are supposed to be a way to express those emotions, however, I don't have the blues. I also don't have the tongue in cheek style that blues requires.

From: How blue can you get? - BB King!

I gave you a brand new Ford

But you said “I want a Cadillac”

I bought you a ten dollar dinner

You said “Thanks for the snack”

I let you live in my penthouse

You said it was just a shack

I gave you 7 children

Now you want to give them back

Now how can I compete with that? I don't think funny. So, the problem is to find the energy and the time, and the will, and the motivation to write down what I am feeling inside of me in a rhythm, so that it can be turned into a song. Then, I only have to duplicate that process 30 or 40 more times, and I'm set.
So, as I sit here with my stomach rumbling from drinking my protein drink, I will be working on yet another project. I played guitar and sang today, and for the most part I sounded good. I still have some age issues.

• Breath control is important as you get older. You try to hold notes, and they fizzle on you.
• The high notes get harder and harder to hit. I am amazed at how the voice machine ages along with the rest of the body.
• The fingers are bent with age. They have a tendency to mute out strings when you don't want them to, and they don't always go where you point them. My weight loss has helped this tremendously. My fingers used to hurt terribly when I played. They called it arthritis, but it was just too much fat. Yes, I have some joint problems, but they don't hurt nearly as much as they did when I was fat.
• I have to pace myself. When I was a teen, I could play all night and not have to worry about what would happen afterwards. I would go to sleep (or not) and not be so sore I couldn't move the next day. Pacing myself today really cuts into my creativity. I can't just keep playing because I run out of steam, just like now.

I'm going to take a nap.
By the way, did I ever say that I hate Daylight savings time? I wish they would stop messing with my schedule. I hate that, even though I am getting an extra hour tonight. It's a really stupid idea, and it should be revoked.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chili

It's getting colder, and I'm feeling it more.
Chili, in fact!
This time, I added a whole bag of frozen green beans to the mix.
I am now also leaning towards a dryer chili mix, so I made up some rice (the long cooking stuff, not minute rice) and mixed it in to soak up the liquid.
I have two pounds of beef cubes and will work on a crock pot recipe for that soon.
My son is using my big freezer for his deer meat, so I have to be careful and not buy too much to freeze. That means I have to get rid of stuff already there so I can get more stuff.
I was looking at a small freezer unit, but haven't decided if I want to spend the money yet.
Most of my non chili meals are with chicken, or fish, and I look forward to once a day of eating my chili. I love the stuff.
The cooler weather is nice for me. I have lots of long johns, similar shirts, gloves, a buff, and even a mad bomber hat made with rabbit fur. It has to be pretty cold for me to not want to take a walk.
My E heat panels keep the house toasty, and supplement the gas forced air furnace. I bought cases of distilled water for a dragon humidifier to keep the house moist all winter too.
My house is sealed up nicely, however, it is all brick, and it doesn't get the sun in winter as much as I'd like.
My basement is cold too, and that's where I have the total gym, treadmill, and free weights. I may set up some space heaters so I can feel like I'm walking down the beach instead of cooped up inside a dungeon!
So, chilly, or Chili, I'll take them both.

Don't try this at home!

The subject is liquid.
Now pay attention! There will be a quiz!

Bariatric patients have to pay attention to liquids. We have rules. Lots of rules.

• We can't mix food with liquids.
  
• We have to drink 15 minutes before a meal (if we are thirsty, that is!) or no less than an hour after meals.
• We can't drink liquids during the meal unless we want to dump, suffer, or embarrass ourselves!
• We shouldn't drink alcohol because it gets us way too drunk, way too quickly.
• We can't drink carbonated beverages unless we let them go flat first. Beer included!
  
• We can't drink anything with sugar in it. Remember, wine has sugar in it even though it's much lower in alcohol than hard liquor. Yes, the sugar is a "binding" sugar, but if you want to chance feeling lousy for a sip of spoiled fruit juice, be my guest!
  

Now, did I forget anything?
Oh yes, we have to drink a lot of liquid every day. The equivalent of a half gallon of liquid every day.
Well that sounds like a lot until you consider that a half gallon is 8/8oz. glasses, or 64 ounces.

The fun part:

This is why you don't have to drink all that liquid every day.
You get a lot of water in your food!

Don't try this at home!

The juicer machine became popular through the TV infomercials. I bought one, and hated it. It made juice that was oh so good. But, it left behind a ton of "pulp" which was a royal pain to clean out of the machine. And, it wasted all that good fiber. How can you throw it away?

Now, imagine you take everything you are going to eat today, and run it through a juicer. How much liquid would you get?

• If you eat oatmeal, you get the small amount you add to the oatmeal. The stomach extracts that liquid and adds it to the total. You don't have to eat the oatmeal dry and the drink the liquid separately, silly goose!
• If you eat an egg, you get some liquid.
• If you eat veggies, you get liquid. Veggies are liquid with fiber, vitamins, minerals, and dirt!
• If you eat chicken, you get liquid.
• Fish? Come on!
• Fruit?

You get the idea?
So, you add all that liquid to the mix, and you get enough to drop the total number of glasses of liquid a bit.

Personally, I don't worry about the amount of liquid I take in because my diet includes it every day. I drink an extra large Dunkin Donut decaf coffee every morning. What I don't finish, I add to a container with my protein powder mix for extra flavor. I always have left over coffee, so I refrigerate it for later in the morning. Add soy milk with a scoop or two of protein powder, and a bit of sweetener, and it's like drinking a milkshake. Yummy!

I always have a gallon of Crystal Lite in the fridge, and I will take a large shaker bottle of it where ever I go to nurse it all afternoon. I make sure I don't drink too much, however, because I can't just stop the school bus when I need to.

It's funny, and tragic at the same time, but the super size drinking containers (extra large Dunkin Coffee) are about half of our needed liquid every day.

So, if I drink one container of coffee, and another of protein powder, I am finished for the day!
For most non WLS people, when they add all that (liquid) with extra sugar to their diet and then can't figure out why they can't lose weight, well you can figure out the rest.
If I drink anything else, my eyeballs float!

A side note:
I have an old friend who is trying to lose weight by taking in less food. They are walking around hungry most of the time, and feeling run down, and can't figure out why they can't lose weight. When I tried to explain how to eat using the WLS diet, they wouldn't listen. They thought it was crazy to eat this way.
I will eat this way for the rest of my life, and although I am going slowly crazy anyway, I won't gain much weight, and I'll be much more healthy and happy than them.
Gloat, Gloat, Gloat!