Friday night

There was a time when I could go all night.
I would practice during the day, and then load my ton of equipment into the car and head out to play.
Most of the gigs back then were 4 or 5 hours long and ended up around 2am. We would play 40 minutes and then take a 20 minute break. This would allow people to talk and socialize.
Our music really rocked, so people would work up a sweat and dance the whole time we played. It didn't matter what band I played in back then, everyone danced. Lots of food, drink, and smoke!
I would finish around 2am, and load the equipment back into the car and drive home. Depending on how far away we played, I could get home at 3 or 4am. I would then unload the car and go for a walk.
I would walk until I came down from the high of playing. I was usually tired and a bit sore, but I would walk anyway.
I am about to start doing the music again. I want to play live for people. I don't know if I can find a full size band to work with, or just go out and play on my own. I can do either. But, I want to play no matter what.
I have been practicing ever since I got my guitar back from the builder. He did a great job of adapting it to my hand. The guitar sounded very good before, but the strings were a little too far apart for me to feel comfortable playing for long.
It's strange, but I never thought about having fat fingers before my surgery. But, that's what happened. My fingers got fat and they hurt when I played. I even took medicine for arthritis.
After I started losing weight, they stopped hurting. I can play now for quite a while without pain.
I no longer take any drugs other than vitamins and minerals.
Other than the fact that my fingers are a bit bent from age, they work just fine. I get a bit less excited about playing, so my technique has become more refined and I am able to sit still and work on specific parts. I couldn't do that before. I had to hear the song, and then run it through in my head rather than practice it. I can practice now.
So tonight, I am going to go out and hear a duo that has been bugging me to come out to hear them for awhile. I guess it's about time to do that.
I am used to going to bed at 9pm because I get up early for work. I even go to bed early on weekends so I don't mess up my bodies schedule.
I am tired now, but it's not a long drive, so I'm gonna go see them anyway.
I did try to go see them once before but the room double booked and they canceled.
I won't stay long, unless I find a female that I can dance with!
It won't be long until I am out playing on a regular basis.

On a side note, I delayed the story I wrote for this blog until the 6th of this month. I am writing this in real time and will publish it before I leave.

Life is Good!

So, what's new?

The weather keeps messing around. It's never right. It's always too hot or too cold!

When have you heard that?

I don't complain about the weather. I just look for ways to live with it. I am one of the lucky people who not only gets to see the sun come up every morning that it's not cloudy, I actually enjoy seeing it happen. I never get tired of it.

I see the kids on the bus looking sullen, or sleeping in the morning. They miss all the beauty around them. They've been desensitized by the amazing electronic media. They would rather watch TV, play videos, or surf the internet.
If I point something out to them, such as the high water from the snow melt, or the grass starting to turn green, they just huff as though I'm merely a servant, hired to get them to and from school.

That's OK. I don't mind. I enjoy the scenery whether they do or not.

I am eating more of my home made concoctions (Chili and stew) in an effort to deplete the supply, so I can make more variety soon. I bought new pots and pans, and am waiting for a rebate in the form of a fairly large stock pot. Hopefully, it will arrive soon.

I am also looking for a new source of fish oil. The gelatin capsules I take now are large and they come in a huge container. I am concerned they are going rancid in their shells with time, and may not be good for me. So, I will try to find a smaller container for sale during one of my visits to the supermarket.

I decided to stop going to the counselor. I am coming out of the dark ages, and things are starting to come together for me on my own. I am hoping that this is the time I've been waiting for all of my life when the things I do start to become financially and emotionally satisfying.

I have a story to tell. I think I'll write it in the next entry. It doesn't have anything to do with WLS, diet, or exercise. It's more about my journey through life. In particular, my present journey. I hope it is an easy read.

Don't worry. Life is Good!

Taxes and paint

I am alone.
Because of that, many things that should be done in this abode have been left in a holding pattern. Lots of things started, some of them finished. But, there are things that haven't been put away yet. I just don't have time to do it all. This makes me wonder why I am here with all this stuff. Every wonder about that?
I don't mind, but sometimes it frustrates me and it tries it's very best to make me feel guilty. Sometimes, it succeeds.

• After trying my best, I finally went to the tax prep place and had them do my taxes. I carried along two large boxes. I took one in with me and left the other in the trunk of the car. The guy worked for two hours and found two mistakes I made, and corrected them. Then, he found a couple of things I didn't know about and managed to get me a few dollars back. That was the good news. He revealed a few details that cost me money. When all was said and done, I got some money back from the Federal Government, had to pay the State, and broke even locally. Then, he presented me with the bill for his services. Well, there went almost all of the Federal refund. Oh well....
• I ended up bringing everything home and letting the boxes all sit overnight on the couch. I tried my very best to get up and write the check, put the death certificates into the proper envelopes, and go over to the post office, but I just couldn't do it for some stupid reason. So, they sat overnight. I should point out here that those boxes have been there for a few weeks now for several reasons. They are easier for me to get to there. They are also there because the back bedroom is being painted. And, they are there because even though I have gone through them several times, I have to go through them yet again to un-sort them. Long story for another time. What I did instead of finishing what I should have last night, was to eat dinner, then go to the bedroom and paint. I started painting the upper walls an realized that I hadn't done the upper trim. But, I plowed on anyway and went around the room, doing the upper parts, but leaving the trim alone. I filled the paint tray twice and almost finished before I got too tired to do anymore. If I had had the energy, I would have done the upper and lower walls all at the same time, then finish the trim the next time I painted. It didn't work. Oh well...
• This morning after making breakfast....Oh by the way, I bought new pots and pans but haven't put them away yet. I wanted to re-arrange the cabinets so I would be able to keep the inside of the pots from getting scratched. I just haven't had the time to do it all. So, I made breakfast (two eggs/omelet style, Canadian bacon) and watched TV while I ate. I finished the tax forms by inserting the checks and death certificates, sealing them, and taking them to the post office. They had to be weighed and stamps added. Then, I came home and painted the lower part of the room. I didn't finish. I ran out of steam again. But, I did a lot more. Oh well...

I have a pile of clean clothing I haven't yet put away.
I have dishes in the sink.
I have another load of wash to do.
The pots and pans are still on the counter.
I have wanted to set up my old turntable, hook up the amp and speakers so I could play records, but haven't had time or a good place to put them all. Maybe when the back bedroom is finished.
I have empty boxes to throw away, and I also have a ton or more of stuff to clean out yet. Anyone want a child's rocking chair that needs to be re-caned? Oh, and I think the one leg is broken off.
The list goes on and on.

In the past few days, and actually every day, My ADD allows me to complete many tasks, but for some reason, I can never finish them all. I have tried drugs to concentrate, but they don't seem to work, so I self medicate with coffee when I can.

While painting the past few days, I did several other things as I encountered them. These things don't appear on my list. I have a pocket recorder and one day I will put batteries in it and talk into it as I do things just to see just what it is I do during the course of the day.

If I miss the trash can, and I do that quite often, I have to pick it up right away. No one else here to do it for me.
If I want to eat something special, I have to make it myself. No one else here to help out.

I have a friend coming over Monday to see the house again and give me his opinion. He is a real estate agent and he did an assessment before I did all the things to the house. He gave me advice, and for the most part, I followed it. But, I did add things I really wanted, and went a bit overboard with some stuff, such as the fantastic brick paver sidewalk. I am interested in hearing his comments and seeing if the market has improved.

I am getting ready to go out and become social again. I am still not ready, nor am I looking forward to it. I still hate crowds, but who knows what will happen.

I am also looking to find new blogs to read. I love to read, and will finish two books soon, so I need my fix.


Stay tuned....

Progress

I think I've lost a few pounds because I am walking more and have cut back on eating as much. I'm coming out of the seasonal depression by getting more sun, and things seem to be improving a bit.
I had another guitarist come over last night to audition for my duo. I don't think we will be a good fit although I did like him. He plays as well as most of the musicians in the area. I was kind of hoping I would find someone who would play better than me, forcing me to work harder.
He has a good singing voice, but we didn't have time to try harmony.

I am going to the tax preparer tomorrow morning. I worked on the taxes myself online for the past two weeks without resolution to my problems. The terms they are using don't mean anything to me, so I gave up and will pay someone to do it this year.
Hopefully next year will be easier.

I have been watching Showtime series on Netflix for relaxation the past week or so. I finished Battlestar Gallatica, and am waiting for a few extra pieces only available by DVD or Blu Ray to arrive. In the meantime, I have Toy Story 2 and 3 to watch the next time I fire up the machine. These shows and movies are a great escape for me as well as a learning experience.

I keep forgetting that there are varied ideas out there, and not just the PA Dutch way of doing things. It is soooo plain here it's not even funny. I need some Tabasco!

I love my polartec long johns, and my wool blend socks. I really love the shoes I bought from LL Bean. My body has never been warmer in the winter! They have helped me to get outside more and exercise. I really hate the treadmill and other stationary machines. It's a shame I don't have the energy to work on a farm doing real exercise.

It's going to rain tonight into tomorrow, so other than my trip to the tax prep, and driving the school bus, I'm going to stay in and work on the paint for the back bedroom.

Almost there!

1. I'm fighting with myself to succeed. I did have one person try to get me to do something I didn't want to do yesterday, and I refused with dignity. I don't do that too often, but I'm going to start to do it more because it's time for me to stand up and do what I think needs to be done, right or wrong.
2. I realized yesterday that the work I am doing to this home will probably be enjoyed by someone else but me. I am going to lose the house unless I can come up with an income of at least $25k per year. I don't have that now, and really never did. I have always had a double income, with my wife being the main breadwinner because she had the degree. I stayed home to take care of things here. I prefer to do that now, but it looks like I will have to change. I'm at the beginning of my thought process here, so stay tuned. I will get there.

I am almost finished reading a book I wrote about earlier (Four hour work week). I thought the book was a waste of time, but it actually has some relevance to my situation. If I can overcome the deceit suggested in it, I may be able to use some of the information there.

This 4 day weekend was productive for me. In addition to all the physical labor I did on the house, I also kept to my diet, and got in a few 3 mile walks. I also found out how tired I was.
I left for Baltimore last night. I was going to go hear a friend's band, and before I got to York, I realized I would never make it down and back on my own. I was too tired.
So, I came home and hit the sack at 9pm. I slept until 7am this morning. I am still tired, but there is a difference in my attitude. I feel better mentally.

I am almost finished with the taxes. I am trying to do it myself. The death of my wife made it very confusing. For those of you who have money with lots of investments, you are probably used to all the variations of the government trying to steal your hard earned money. For me, it's just a matter of survival.

Regardless of all this, I am still moving forward. Right now, I am not making enough money to live, and I have to do something about it, as I've written about many times.

• I could just give up and collect welfare.

Do you know how tempting that is?
I can qualify for food stamps, financial assistance, and next year's taxes would be oh so easy, because I wouldn't have to pay them because my income is below the poverty level.
I can also qualify for assistance with my energy costs, like gas and electricity, and they will even come out and install new windows, insulation, and other stuff for free!

To me, that sucks!
No way would I drop down to that level. Why should you have to pay for me to live here?

Stay tuned, I'll write more another time. The journey continues....

Keeping it alive!

I've been thinking about doing another blog because I get ideas from time to time and they don't fit here.
I have so many ideas going on in my head at once and I do need to be creative in some way. Otherwise, I'll just explode.

• I've wanted to write about my experiences behind the wheel of the various buses I've driven over the years. I have 37 years so far. Things have changed a bit since I first started driving in 1974. I actually started driving vehicles a few years before, but turned 21 in 74.
  
• I have driving suggestions that come from common sense and experience. I could probably write a whole book about them. I could be a driver's ed teacher!
  
• I see ways to solve or at least open the minds of those who need to solve some of the big problems with our current world here in the USA. Common sense isn't common in D.C.!
  
• I wish I could sit still long enough to write some of the music that is in my head. I think I may have to leave that alone. It may be too late for me. Maybe someone else younger will come along to write them.

I've thought about the extremes when it comes to ideas, and find that extremes are a great tool, but not very good if put into practice. Extremes allow me to see the outer edge of the problem.

• Should I stay or should I go?
• Do I sell the house, or should I fight to keep it?
• Do I allow myself to go broke, or should I do something to stop it?
• Should I retire to a cardboard box, or move to an apartment?
• Why are some of the points blue, and some red?
  

Some people like extremes, but they are too dangerous for me. I like to be somewhere in between. Being on one side or the other doesn't leave room for me to change my mind. It forces me to do something I may not want to do.

All in all, I seem to be coming out of my depression and have survived most of the grieving process, so I will start again in my weight loss quest, and will start doing some things that I stopped doing last year.

• I have been walking this week now that the weather is a bit less extreme. I even took a walk on the rail trail, although it was ice covered and slippery. I went slower, but still got a good workout. I would like to start doing some much longer hikes. I now have the shoes, socks, and camel pack (back pack with storage for liquid as well as other things) towards that goal.
  
• I hope to start jogging this spring.
• I would like to buy a kayak and fulfill one of the goals I set for myself before the WLS. I found two old friends who already do that, and I hope to take some trips with them.
  

For now, I will put off writing another blog, because I have too many other things I have to finish first.

• I still have trouble getting started doing the things I should be doing. I have 3 things that I want to finish this week:

1. I want to see if I can finish the taxes myself. With all the crazy extra stuff from Donna's death, I don't know if I can do it right. I will try starting tonight. I already have the medical bills sorted. I need to total them up. Just the ones I paid last year from the first two months of the year (not including the medical bills that were dropped later) I have close to $3,000.00. That should help me to get a few dollars back from the IRS.
2. I want to finish prepping and priming the back bedroom. I have everything out of the room. I need to pull the curtain rods and shades off the windows, and roll up the carpet so I don't end up painting it. Then, I need to get the last few pieces of wall paper off. I have to go out and get more curtain panels too, and replace a few socket covers. Then, I can sand, and prime. The door is busted and I don't know if I will go out and buy the wood to fix the molding around the door, or just leave it until next year. If I sell it, I guess I should replace it all.
3. I have to get started on a job search in order to keep my options open. If I want to keep the house, I need to make more money than I am now. I was told I could apply for welfare/food stamps since my income is so low now. I would rather go back to work full time than to go on welfare. But who knows what kind of job I could get? Age and skills are a factor. So, I am starting my search this week, and won't stop until I land something, or make the decision to move somewhere else and work there. Either way, I will probably have to sell most of my stuff just to keep afloat.
   
4. I have to get the pots and pans put away. I don't have a place for them yet. I didn't want to put them where the old pots and pans were. They were in the floor cabinet, which made it inconvenient to get. They got scratched easily too because they were stacked on top of each other. Since I will be painting the kitchen as well as trying to replace the flooring, adding a dishwasher, and mounting the microwave above the stove, I will try to do something temporary for now.

Gee, that's 4 things. I decided to jump into the first two on the list, and keep the other two in mind for next week.
I have a lot more stuff to do, including some more major uncluttering. The garage needs to be cleaned out. The bathroom needs to be painted, and I need to either replace the carpet in the living room/hallway, or come up with some other ideas. The present carpet looks terrible.
I've come so far in such a short time, but I feel as if I should be much further along.
Life is Good!

Short thoughts

• I noticed that the two blogs I have been reading, other than my own, have been idle for some time. I think that is for a number of reasons. This time of year, people slow down. It's the calm before the spring. Happens every year. Another is because they are having problems, or just don't have the time to write. They could be having a dry spell and don't have anything to say. I hope they start writing again soon.
• I do have another blog that I followed, but he seems to have dropped off the charts. He had other interests and I understand why he isn't writing his WLS blog. I have talked to him through email, so I know he is OK. I can't keep up with everyone, but I enjoy reading his stuff.
• I had an email a few years ago from a blogger who was having serious problems. This person only made two entries into their blog and then dropped off the charts. I hope they are OK, but I will probably never know.

_______________________

• I am making a slow transition to my Imac. I still have a long way to go and I feel really stupid that I can't figure things out. I won't give up, but I will take my time. I bought a hard drive back up unit called a Time Capsule, but haven't gotten it to work yet. I tried it a few times without success. Apple is not as easy to learn as they claim. I also got a touchpad and that is amazing. I wish I had one of these before. They make things so much easier on the hands and fingers.
• I ate my first home made stuffed peppers today. Very good!
  

Ground beef (very lean) with bacon crumbled, Spanish rice, tomatoes (diced from a can), seasonings and spices, Olive Oil. Traffic light bell peppers cut in half and cored. Baked after the beef mixture was fully cooked and stuffed.
I have enough left over to make two containers for the freezer. I can either use them to stuff more peppers, or just eat them as a meal. Eating them as stuffed allows me to control portions and get my veggies.

• I have been wanting to work on my music but keep running into mental reservations. It seems that I really don't want to play the old music. Everyone has heard the songs I sing hundreds, maybe thousands of times. I don't need to play them again. They don't make me feel better. I am tired of them. I wanted to do something of quality that was new. Something that would have new meaning to me and others. I just haven't been able to find that music within me. It seems I have been holding it in for so long, that I can no longer hope to get it out. So, I think I will put it away and use my music for other purposes. Those reasons are slowly becoming apparent to me. I hope to be able to play again sometime...
• I may have found a job that can fit me and replace my school bus driving without throwing away all of the years of experience. I am hoping it makes me enough money and allows me to take time off. It seems to me that taking time off is more important to me now than it was before. The job would start after the school year is over, so it would be a smooth transition for me. I am really hoping that the money is enough for me to keep my home, but I may just sell it anyway and move closer to the job just to start fresh.

I went for a checkup at the Gastro-Enterologist this week. This is the place that turned me onto the idea of gastric bypass surgery 3 years ago. They told me of the new doctor coming to town. They also were the ones who diagnosed my Celiac. I need to retake the Celiac test and get the standard Endoscopy/colonoscopy for maintenance. I opted to wait until school was out so I would have to take time off, but I may move up the date if I get the new job. There are some new developments, but I will write about them another time.

Transition and ramblings

I have been escaping into the world of Television series recently.
This started around Christmas when I was supposed to be doing other things. Since I don't drink (but would like to!), and don't have any other vices that I want to share here, HDTV series was a safe escape for me.

• "24" has 8 seasons. 7 of them are on Netflix on demand, so I was able to watch them straight through. They all have intros that I was able to skim through once I got the hang of it. I got to season 8 and had to order it on Blu Ray. It only have 6 episodes at a time, so I had to find something else to watch in the meantime.
• I found "Heroes". The entire thing is on Netflix, so I was able to follow it all the way through. It didn't really end, so they either ran out of ideas, or they will be back sometime on TV. Great show.
• I was able to get "24" on Blu Ray and I will watch that on the weekends until I run out. I still have two discs to go to finish it. So, in the mean time, I decided to see what the hoopla was about and spooled up "Battlestar Gallactica". I am into season 4.5 and I believe it will finish that soon. Another cerebral thriller and good entertainment! When this one is over, I will sample the original series to see the differences. I did watch a few of them when they first came out years ago, but wasn't impressed. It was more cartoonish than I liked.

I can understand addiction to food and alcohol now that I can't seem to turn away from these shows. I am hooked big time. I won't waste my time with sub-par series, and will go through withdrawal when I run out of good ones.
Over the years, there have been many TV shows that I was hooked on. I wish I had had a treadmill that would be quiet and comfortable enough so that I could walk and watch at the same time. I never would have gained weight, and would probably be able to walk to the moon without getting tired.

In the past few weeks, I've started to come back to the world.....very.....very.....slowly.
I am doing things to try to combat the demon that keeps me from doing things faster. It's like walking through mud. It isn't working too well, and it's draining my energy. It's not making me stronger.
I found out a little about myself, such as:

• I have a chip on my shoulder
• I have too many crutches to lean on
• I procrastinate, but I'll talk about that later
• I'm indecisive
• I'm shy and insecure
• I really don't have a clue. I am starting to have more questions than answers. Some people say that is a good thing. Is it?
  

So, the hell with all of those things. It's time for me to move on and see what I'm made of.

Today is the 1 year anniversary of an event in my life that I will never forget.
At 10:30am, I took my wife to the Oncologist. She had been having trouble adjusting to her cancer treatment. Just a few short days before, she had had her head shaved and was fitted for a wig. She was able to wear the wig only a few times. She had purchased several scarves, and was comfortable wearing them in public. Her co-workers treated her the same, which made things easier for her. It was a shock to me to see her this way, but I did my best to treat her the same too.

She had spent the previous few days sleeping all day on the couch. She only got up to go to the bathroom. She didn't eat that much. She spent her time watching old episodes of CSI in it's various forms and Law and Order. We didn't have HDTV back then, and Comcast on demand was very limited, so she was forced to watch whatever she could find.

Her Oncologist told her that from a cancer viewpoint, she would be able to live at least a few more years. But, the problem was not with her cancer. Her body just couldn't handle the treatment. She was run down and beat. There was no bouncing back.

Her mood up until this point was positive and upbeat. She was looking towards the future when she would be able to make some memories with the grand kids.

I had tried to get her outside to take short walks, but she just couldn't do it, and she refused to let me get her into a wheelchair so that we could go out together.

So, this morning at 10:30am one year ago, her Doctor told her that he wanted her to go to the hospital for some tests, and to see if they could help her.

I took her to the Hospital, and we got her settled into a room. I asked her if she wanted me to get her pajamas from home, and she said "no". She knew she would be spending a few days in the hospital at that point. This was a departure from her other trips to the hospital over the years and it shocked me to my core. I didn't know why at the time because I manage to hide my true feelings pretty well, even from myself.

Donna knew that she would never be coming home again. She was right.

This is why I have been wanting to escape. It's just so painful to think about. The things that I could have done to make her more comfortable. The things we never got say to each other. The places we wanted to go to. The things we wanted to do to the house. The times we wanted to spend with the grand kids. All these things flood back through me a year later.
From now until August 18th when I buried her, will be a rough time for me. I hope to be able to put it behind me next year and just remember the good times again, but it sure doesn't feel like that will happen.

The TV shows are interesting because they allow me to feel emotions again in the privacy of my own home. Battlestar has a lead character that has Breast cancer, and I am able to watch her and feel the pain and emotions I couldn't dare to feel before. There are other events in the shows that bring back memories that I need to experience, yet don't want to. This does help me to move on, and I am grateful for the time I need to heal.

Before I finish this post, which has nothing to do with weight loss, I wanted to mention that many of the actors in the shows I have been watching, are the same actors. It took me by surprise to see them playing different roles. I didn't recognize them at first. It's nice to know that they could find this much work with quality shows.

So, what am I going to do next?
Live!

Stuffed Peppers

I've been toying with the idea of getting bell peppers, specifically, the traffic light peppers (they come wrapped at the supermarket. One is red, one is yellow, and one is green) and filling them with protein with spices.
Spices are rare to Lancaster County and central PA in general.
Originally, spices were added to make things taste better.
They were added to make the same old foods easier to eat. How many days can you eat the same food without getting tired of it? If you add spices, that time gets extended.
Spices can also have medicinal benefits.
So, they taste good. They add longevity to the same old meal, and they might improve your health.

Now, everyone should know that pills are made from natural foods, and plants. They are just a more controlled way of giving you a consistent dosage of whatever it is you are supposed to be getting.
If you eat something that is supposed to be high in a particular vitamin, you don't really know how much of that vitamin you are getting. But, if you take that vitamin in pill form, you are pretty much assured you will get the same dose every time.
So, going off the deep end as far as analogy is concerned....if I cut traffic light peppers in half, and clean out the seeds, I can fill them with the same amount (smaller margin of error) of protein every time. I will be able to regulate my caloric intake too. Mother Nature's measuring cup, so to speak.

My Mother used to add an egg to her ground meat. She used to buy the meat herself, and grind it with her own machine. She used both an electric unit, and a manual unit. But, she was able to decide which cut of beef, poultry, liver, etc. she wanted. No additives, except the egg and any spices she wanted to add.

Spice does have some drawbacks. The nutritional content may change when the spice is cooked. It may increase or decrease. It may dissipate and be worthless with cooking. Or, it may get stronger. Cooking tomatoes for example is supposed to increase it's nutritional value in certain areas. The same thing goes for spice.
One good thing about spice is that it adds no meaningful calories, so you can add as much as you can stand. This rule has exceptions:
The nice thing about adding salt is flavor. But the wackos out there have given salt a bad name. With WLS, salt becomes a non-issue. As long as you aren't using more salt than food, you should be OK.

So, over the next few weeks, for as long as I can stand it, I will be adding different concoctions of protein and fiber to my peppers. I will be able to cook them, and then freeze them for later consumption. Add to this my chili/stew mixes, and the list gets longer.

This will help me to stay on target as far as food is concerned. Now to develop an exercise philosophy that I can follow. That's going to be tougher.

For fun!

The picture above is the first part of the storm yesterday morning. The footprints were from the mailman who has never heard of a sidewalk.

This picture was taken this morning after I finished with most of the shoveling.
The sidewalk was cleared completely after this picture was taken. I went in to eat and then came back out and finished it. I also did the neighbor's sidewalk and dug out the fire hydrant across the street.

Here's the story:
I decided to clear the snow today. We got about a foot, and it was wet and heavy. The last snowstorm was very cold, so the snow was dry and fluffy. It was much lighter.
I bought these shovels last year to replace the 2 cheaply made aluminum shovels and one very old steel scoop shovel. The scoop came from my Levittown home when I was a kid. The ends were curled from years of hitting the cement and the handle was cracked and ready to give out.

I bought two shovels. One is a scoop/push style, and the other is a straight snow shovel. They are made from spring steel with wooden handles and a plastic handle on the end.
Now, many of my neighbors have upgraded to snow blowers/throwers over the years because our driveways are fairly big. When we get a lot of snow, it's becomes a real chore for them to use the old style shovels.

There is one neighbor who goes down the street with a large John Deere tractor with a snow thrower on the front. This is a very expensive machine because the guy also does lawn care during the summers.
He knows I like to shovel in order to get exercise. I really need to be forced to get outside this time of year, and shoveling the new driveway and sidewalk is a great incentive to do so.
So, he will hit the bottom of my driveway only. That's the area where the snow plow goes and delivers the very heavy slushy stuff as he drives by. The snow piles there are almost impossible to shovel and are usually a lot deeper than the regular snow.

So, he takes that out for me and then goes on down the street.

As you can see from the pictures, we got a two part snow storm yesterday, and last night. The first one hit in the morning. It made school bus driving a real nightmare. I got home 45 minutes later than normal. There was just enough snow to make it very slick, although there were times that I thought we were going to get buried. But, it turned out to only be a couple of inches and it stopped around noon.

I came home all excited because I was going to be able to get a decent workout, and lo and behold, my driveway and sidewalk were already finished. Two local kids were walking by and they did the shoveling for me. That is a rare event anymore in this day and age, so I thanked them for their help, and vowed to beat them to the punch the next time. I did pay them, even though they didn't ask for anything.

So, last night, the storm kicked in again, and dropped about a foot of wet snow on us.
I got up at my regular time (5:10am), ate, got dressed and started shoveling. I had to clear the snow off the school bus first, so I started it up and let it warm up in order to speed up the operation. I did the whole bottom of the driveway and then moved the bus down while watching the plow come by and cover up the bottom of the driveway.
Then, I did the top. By this time, schools were closed, so I went inside to take a break. I came back out and moved the Blue car and finished the whole top of the driveway. I then moved both vehicles back up and did the full bottom. By this time, the John Deere guy had come through, so my driveway was finished.
Then, I headed to the front of the house and watched the sun come up, and finished the sidewalk and the neighbor's sidewalk and fire hydrant as mentioned above. I got my time in the sun. I guess people going by must have thought I was nuts because I just stood there in the sun leaning against my shovel handle while soaking up the sun!
I finished the work around 9:15, with time off in between. I worked at a steady pace, but I know my limits and took my time.

Now, this story is fairly uneventful, and might even be considered a bit boring.
But, three years ago, I couldn't have done any of this work on my own.

I have to say honestly, that I am going to be sore tomorrow, but had I done this work 3 years ago, I would be dead instead.

Oh what wonderful progress!

I did get a shower and took a nap today, and I might even go back out tonight for a walk around the super market.

Wow, like the tire cover says....Life is Good!

Thoughts, Feelings, emotions

In the quest to improve myself, I have given up many things in order to replace them with other things.

• I changed my eating habits, but the old demons are still there. I have a weapon. It's a combination of the surgery and nutritional knowledge. I have a support team that I have abandoned for now, but will go back to them if I can't conquer the demons one more time on my own.
• I changed my lifestyle. I am more active than I've been in years. This is not perfect, either. It is a constant struggle.
• I changed my mental attitude. Again, the demons are constantly attacking me. Sometimes, they are covert, so it's tough to see them coming.

I look at the demons as being real. This helps me to cope. I need an enemy to fight, even if it's the old me and not a real tangible person, place, or thing (I should have just said "noun").
I have a voice that is talking to me all the time. Sometimes, we agree, sometimes not. Regardless, it's always there, jabbering away. It told me to write this blog instead of working on my bass playing. It told me to make some calls for the same reason.
I am getting things done. There is a lot to do, especially when no one else is helping. I am alone.

This world is set up so that everyone is busy, and no one has time to help each other. We are all online, on TV, or doing something else.
I haven't really asked anyone to help. I feel that it's my turn to do this on my own. So, I shouldn't complain that I am not moving as fast as I would like.

I wanted to talk about this next thing for a few days. I haven't had time because I was distracting the demons so I could do some thing to get back on track. They caught up with me, so here I am talking about it.

The Weather
It's damn cold outside. Many people hide inside where it's warm and they miss out on the beauty of winter. But, they also stay warm, so I can't blame them.
I am much more active and happy when I am outside, but just like them (you know? THEM!) I like to be warm too.
I bought all these polartec clothes for walking outside and I still spent hours and days hiding inside. I have walked a few times and as long as the wind isn't blowing, it's not bad.
Now, I have been walking mostly at night because it's dark and I like to be alone with my thoughts. Also, in this area, the wind dies down after sunset, I don't know why.
But, my counselor tells me that I am suffering from depression and need to get some vitamin D.
Damn, it's cold. It's 11:00am and 10 degrees. I just got back from my walk in the bright sunshine. I worked up a sweat and covered maybe 2 miles. I didn't measure it, but I kept walking until I was ready to head home. I had my polartec long johns and shirt on. I was wearing my goose down coat and a pair of old gloves. My fingers got cold so I curled them up into the top and abandoned the fingers. I also had a knit cap on. I have a rabbit fur mad bomber's hat, but I keep that for the windy days. I wanted to expose as much of my head and face as I could to the sun because I can't imagine it penetrating the coat and underwear, as well as my jeans and T shirt.
I did a walk yesterday too. I felt fairly comfortable, but would still rather walk with lots less clothing on in a warmer place.
The next few days will be cloudy and I don't know if that makes a difference in the amount of exposure I need in order to get un-depressed.

There is a theory about humans that has been discussed for years and years. I don't know who is right, but I think they are on the right track.
It talks about the difference between Hunters and Farmers.
This theory made me think about the human being as an animal.
Many animals have different patterns depending on the season. The most familiar of these patterns is about bears. The bear hibernates during the winter. The rest of the time is spent gorging themselves with food in order to store fat for their long nap every year.
You would think that with all that fur, the bear would be able to party all winter without getting cold.
So, what do human animals do?
Why do we gain weight every winter?
Do we hibernate?
Does our metabolism change with the seasons?
How do humans who always live in warm climates adapt? How do the ones in the cold climates adapt?

The first winter after my surgery, I lost weight and exercised like crazy. I was able to shovel snow and still do other things after I was done.

Last winter, my wife got very sick from her chemotherapy, and I crashed emotionally. I maintained my weight, but stopped doing things that I should in order to continue my weight loss. I didn't gain weight, but I didn't lose weight either.

As this year went on, I didn't go out, even in the warm weather. I stayed inside, either with her at the medical facility, or stayed inside at home. I ate more than I should from the stress (those demons!), and comforted myself with more chocolate than I should.

After she died, and to this day, I am mourning. I am not doing a strict diet, and I am spending way too much time in front of the TV.
My time has been consumed so that 2010 was a bust for me. I can throw it away as far as my plan to lose weight or get into shape.
I am now getting to the point now where I am fighting the demons with renewed energy, and I am hoping they don't have too strong a hold on me. They will let go soon, and go back to being manageable.
I hope.
I wonder what will happen next?

Snow/ice/rain is coming

For years, Central PA was on the borderline between snow and rain. It always seemed that we got the worst of it. The slush is a pain. It freezes and then nothing goes straight.
They cover the roads with some kind of stuff that gets onto the windshield and dries hard as a rock. It makes it very hard to see out of, and it turns the whole world gray.
The good thing about it, is the vehicles look so much better after they are washed. It's like having a new car!
The past few years, we have been getting socked in by real snow. Last winter, we had a few big storms that put down about 4 feet total over a week or so. That was nice for me, but tough on the older neighbors. I also did some real work in order to get out to see my wife at the hospital. It made things much more stressful than it had to be. Parking in Lancaster City is a real pain during the snow.

You all know the story about how the Eskimos have so many different names for all the different kinds of snow. We do too. I just won't say them in public.

I enjoy shoveling the snow, but don't like slush and ice. I use shoveling as one of my workouts. I have a fairly large driveway and it's a challenge to get out there and clear it completely. The sidewalk is easier, but it feels good to me to do the work. I sometimes get the chance to help out the neighbors, which pushes me to the limit. I work at a steady pace and don't get out of breath.
The slush is mostly water and that soaks through clothing and makes me cold. The ice makes it tough to clear away because it is usually very thick and hard to chop. It hangs on the power lines and brings them down. It breaks tree limbs, and small bushes. It clogs up rain gutters and helps to flood the basement.

Tonight and tomorrow, they are calling for the "mixed bag" which starts out as snow and then changes to freezing rain or ice before turning to all rain by tomorrow afternoon. This will probably delay or cancel school. I can use the time off, but I haven't really done anything productive recently, so it will be just another day inside.

I may bundle up and walk in it if it isn't too wet.

I have an audition tomorrow night and they are thinking of delaying it for a week if they cancel because of weather. I can use the extra time to get back up to speed on my bass.
It is tough for me to play bass and sing at the same time. For some reason, I can play the guitar and sing without problems, but the bass throws me. I will practice hard to do both. I know the songs. It's just a matter of getting the playing and singing synchronized.

I have not been able to pick up the stringed instruments for a long time, other than for a few minutes. This is a mental block, not a time restriction. I have all the time in the world here. I could play all night without disturbing anyone. No one is here, and the house is pretty solid, so no one would hear me.
The mental block scares me. It is related to everything I am going through these past few years. It is directly related to my dieting. If I don't conquer it soon, it will ruin all my work. I am getting counseling and hope to be back on track soon.

I do wish I had someone to share life with right now. Writing to my friends by email, and talking on the phone is helping, but there are days that go by where I don't talk to anyone in person. That is very hard on me.
Despite all this, life is still good!

Am I there yet?

I finished up on the TV show "24" this morning. I watched all 6 seasons over the past 3 weeks. There was a "prequel" included with the last season, and I'm not sure how that qualifies. I am not sure if there are 7 or 8 seasons, but I had to go online to netflix in order to get the last season. It isn't an instant TV thing, but a DVD or Blu ray. I guess I'll have to wait until it comes in the mail later this week.
I think I am trying not to think about the stress in my life to move on, so I am escaping into the world of excitement through "24". What a great show!

I also finished the paperwork on the floor and am starting to work on plans to get the taxes started. The folks that send out the forms always wait until the end of January, so I have time to figure out what to do. I'll need a good tax person to help me sort out this mess.

I moved away from Bariatric based discussions here awhile ago, only adding things as I thought about them. I don't much think about it anymore because life is so stressful for me. I just try to eat when I'm hungry and to follow the diet as closely as possible.
I have found myself "grazing" too much recently, and have to cut back on that. I have kept up with my protein. I have to start forcing myself to take in more liquid instead of food. I am eating when I get hungry instead of drinking liquid. Usually, I can tell the difference between hunger and thirst, but the line gets blurred.
I know I should drink more, but it's tough sometimes.

I have things to do at the house in order to move forward, and I have music that I should be working on, but I still have trouble just picking up the guitar and playing.

I guess it's time to stop writing about it, and go and do something.
TTYL...

New Year's resolutions

I don't have any. I never follow them anyway and they just serve to make me feel guilty, so why bother?

I have made some changes in my life again. I'll talk about them another time.

I have been stuck for about two weeks, but have finally gotten unstuck.

I don't know if anyone else goes through this, but I imagine someone out there does. I have bursts of energy where I can keep going and going mentally. I make lists and all of a sudden, I get things done and the lists are finished. 

Then, I burn out big time.

I used to be able to go as long as I needed mentally, but now I find that I just fizzle after 14 hours or so. I am getting older. In my head, I feel like I'm 18, but the mind and body know better.I have to say that I used to worry about it, but now I am more frustrated than worried. It doesn't depress me as much as makes me mad. I would like to do a few marathons where I work until I'm finished with something, rather than pacing it out over several days, weeks, or months. This happens to me more mentally than physically. I think I could keep on painting for 12 hours a day until I'm finished, but my mind just won't let me. It stops thinking, I get very sloppy, and I have to quit.

So this past Sunday, I spent an hour in the morning going through the huge piles of paper that have accumulated due to my wife's death. Add to that receipts from bills, medical and legal stuff, and paper that I just couldn't categorize. I didn't know where else to put it, so it went into one of the 5 boxes until I got the energy to go through it.

This next year, I think I will get a money program and follow it. I really think that the solution will be to re-organize my methods so that I don't end up having to spend hours doing something. Rather, I will put it away as soon as I get it.

I noticed that I have gained weight because it was hard to sit on the floor and sort stuff, and that scares me more than frustrates me. My legs were falling asleep, and the bulge around my middle was the culprit. I will be calling the bariatric center for a refresh, and a dressing down so I can get back on track. I did start my diet again and found that it does help me to control my appetite. But, I digress....

I managed to shred a bag of paper, cutting down on my paper load on Sunday morning. The bag was also filled with envelopes, and junk added to the letters I got. You know, those fliers with helpful information in them designed to waste paper, and compel you to buy their product?

But, as of Sunday morning after I did all this work, I looked at the pile and it didn't seem any smaller. I had pulled out my bill box and spread out the bills so I could organize and consolidate them, so the room looked a mess, with piles of paper all over the place, as well as left over shavings from the shredding machine. The damn thing is messy. I have confetti all over the room!

So, I forced myself to go into the room again an hour before I went to sleep and work some more. I sat and filtered down even more paper until it was finished.

This morning after work, I came home, ate, and then came in and finished shredding.

I have one more box to do and that will be a bear. It has all the medical bills in it. It is a large shoebox that is overflowing with bills. The only thing I can do is to sort them, consolidate them, and separate the bills from the documents of "This is not a bill". I don't know why they send that stuff if it is not a bill, but they do. Like I really care!

I am making progress, but it sure doesn't feel like it. I need to clean the room when I am finished. Then, I need to move stuff from the back bedroom to this room in order to paint the back bedroom.

After living on this planet in this wonderful country for 57 years, I have yet to figure out why they (you know *"THEM"?) need to screw things up with excess paperwork. The only time it matters is when you are rich and can afford to hire an accountant to do this stuff for you. The poor people get screwed over royally anyway. It's just nasty to send us this crap just to twist the knife a little more. And then they complain about rising costs and they blame US.

Well, I got rid of all the excess paper in the shredding machine. If they want me to go back and show them something, they can go to the landfill and dig it up themselves.

So, sitting on my formerly fat ass for 5 hours or so was not in the least bit satisfying. The next step is to deal with taxes. This is where they explain why they have to take everything I have so that they can feed the people who are too lazy to work.

I am finished venting. I hope my next post will be a bit more positive.

* Them - these are the ones we blame for everything. When things go wrong, it's always "THEM"! They did it. They caused it. Why do they do things like that? They always mess things up. It's never me....it's THEM! Phew, I feel better now.

I are crazy!

I have been reading two books, and watching old episodes of "24". I've gone through the first 3 seasons so far.

The story started out very interesting, and then I started to study the characters and the plot. It follows a pattern and it feels good to exercise my mind while I'm watching. The fact that the characters don't change all that much allows me to look at other things.

One thing about the writers and creators of the show, is that they think all computer geeks have personality disorders. I seem to be drawn to those people. They are smart and don't play games. I like that. They tell it like they see it. But, that's not the way it is in the real world. Many computer geeks are just good at computers. They are normal people.

I am used to the silly way the TV shows portray the two political parties. The Democrats are always the good guy, while the Republicans are the sneaky bastards. Again, that's not the way it is in the real world. Fox does a slightly better job than the other media, but they still have their prejudices.

I do notice that on TV, even though you just got finished shooting and killing dozens of people, if you are the good guy, you are always good.

Jack got to shoot his boss dead, in season 3. I can't believe he couldn't find a way to fake it.

And of course, the married couples have to screw things up. If you are deviant in some way, you can do whatever you want.

Regardless, I like 24. With my ADD, there are 3 stories going on at once, and they always leave you hanging until the last moment. Great stuff!

But, how does an agent who was tortured and shot through the hand, wrap it up and it doesn't hurt him?

What happened to the presidential assistant who fell over the railing  for 3 stories?

How can all those people continue to function with no sleep? Don't they do shift work? No one ever comes in to relieve them. How does that work?

I have all 8 seasons on Netflix, and it makes me wonder if I will get tired of it before the end.

The books I am reading:

The 4 hour body, by Tim Ferriss.

I don't know why I am still reading it. But, if you have the chance to pick it up, don't waste your time. I think I'm gonna close it and give it away.

I do believe that some of what he is writing about may become the norm for weight loss in the future, but I want to wait until they do real testing, not his crazy experiments on his body. If it works for him, fine. But I think we will read about him in the obits sometime in the near future.

The other book is called "The girl with the dragon tattoo". The guy who wrote it was killed in a suspicious way, probably by some radical group he investigated. He managed to finish the trilogy before he died, but he will never get to reap the profits.

The books are fascinating. I highly recommend them. You can get the movies too on Netflix. They are close to the books, but not quite. The tattoo and the actress are very hot. I like tats! I won't ever have one, but I like them anyway.

I have the entire trilogy, so I will be busy reading before I go to bed every night for a little while. Hopefully, i will find something good to read after I am finished.

Yesterday and today, I started back to my de-cluttering routine. I am getting the white room cleared out for two reasons:

1. To be able to move stuff in so I can paint the back bedroom.
2. To get ready for tax time. It will be a real nightmare this year because of my wife's death. She worked only in January, but received disability until her death. My income is so low that I may be able to get everything back that I paid in. I could also qualify for all kinds of other things because of the low income. But, my goal is to go back to work in some form and earn my own way again. You can read about that in previous posts.

I went through 5 boxes of papers that have accumulated since last year when my wife went into the hospital. I pulled all the junk out and shredded what I didn't need to be looked at, and threw away the rest. I saved the important stuff, and managed to compact things down a bit. If I had my way, it would all be burned. I still have 2 or more boxes to go through.

I sat today and read all of the cards, and looked at the pictures from the hospital room. I also went through all of the papers that my wife wrote while she couldn't talk.

The stuff written was not stuff that was really important. They were just requests from her, comments about her treatment, and of course, complaints. There were a few things that brought back both good and bad memories. I offered the papers to my daughter and she said she would take them, but then I changed my mind and I shredded all of them after reading. No one needs to relive the horrors of that time. They only need to remember the good things.

My friend paraphrased a familiar quote to me this morning. That is why I decided to shred them. I can't please everyone, so I will please myself and take my lumps. By the way, that isn't the quote. He was more eloquent than that.

At some point, I would like to have a whole area of the house dedicated to my music equipment. I have so much  that needs to be put together and used, but I don't have anywhere to go with it until I finish working on the house. So, until that's done, the stuff will be stored in 5 different places. I hate that. I want order again.

I wonder if I am an interesting writer? I sure feel better getting this stuff out, but I can't imagine anyone would find this interesting. There's no mention of sex, politics, or violence. Why read it?

I kind of hope that someone gets something from this rambling, but I am happy just writing it because it has become my therapy. I feel better.

Life is Good!

Diets, Oh my

Richard Simmons had a "Live it" diet way back in the olden days. He used a play on words to make a valid point.

Why diet, when you can live it?

It made sense to me and I tried his plan, and it worked...for awhile. Then, life caught up with me and I had to "quit it". It was too hard to follow.

I think life today is way too stressful. There is so much to read, and so many distractions.

I collect the junk mail every day. I get piles of it even though I am signed up with the "do not call, and do not mail" list. That's OK, I don't really mind. It insures that the mailman keeps his job for a little while longer, and the trash collectors also have a job. Otherwise, I would probably only have a few small bags of trash every other week.

So, the diet plans have come and gone, and I elected to have my stomach cut into pieces. It works for me.

I couldn't resist getting a book the other day, however. The author was on TV talking it up, and he hooked me.

He had a previous book dealing with a 4 hour workday. That caught my attention because I believe that is exactly how long we should work.

The book he was selling is called "The 4 hour body". He is an obvious ADHD type A personality, and I was amazed that he could sit in his chair for the interview, which was only about 5 minutes. He was hyper to the max. 

It seems that he experimented on himself over the past 10 years in order to find out what worked and what didn't. He applied this experiment to all facets of his life, including exercise, and sex, as well as diet. He came up with some variations on themes that have already been tried. Most of the ideas are valid, although I am anxious to try out the 15 minute orgasm he talks about in the last part of the book. If only I had known about that before.....I think I am getting off topic here.......

So, he came up with a variation in order to lose fat without trying hard. It's something that I am pretty much doing now, except for a few changes that I am not sure are healthy. Let me say that the concepts and the ideas are logical, and he did check with medical personnel before he published, so until they charge him with something, his book is OK to read and try at your own risk.

The first diet listed, is a combination or an extension of the Atkin's diet, with a touch of Dr. Gott thrown in for good measure. He also suggests that you take one day a week and ignore the diet altogether and pig out.

One part of his diet that I am following is where I am very heavy on protein, and lower on carbs. 

Another part is where he suggests that you eat the same meals over and over. I do that too. I do add variety when I go out to eat, but when I am at home, I tend to follow the same patterns. Now, I do mix things up, such as eating breakfast in the evening, and having dinner in the morning. Makes life interesting.

But, he adds some ideas that might surprise you. Anyway, you can get the book and read it yourself. Or, you can wait until I'm finished with it, and ask to borrow it.

The reason I originally wrote this post, was to mention a few new ideas I had with my food plan. If you have read any of this blog, you know that I like to combine all my foods into one container. I make chili variations to this day that are never the same. I can make two different batches in one day with totally different proteins, even the beans. I use a 15 bean soup mix (dried beans) sometimes, or I'll use all black beans, red kidneys, etc.. I'll add various vegetables, both fresh and frozen. I'll add different kinds of seasonings. When I put them into quart containers and freeze them, I will alternate the containers and always keep two different containers thawed in the fridge so I can alternate meals. I never get tired of eating. The variations have been endless so far.

I started adding rice in small quantities to soak up the liquids, but I will abandon that soon. The rice makes me feel too full and is probably not good for me if I don't want my pouch to stretch.

As of this morning, I had about 14 quarts stored in the freezer. One kind is a more traditional chili with red beans, and the other is more of a beef, beans, and rice combination.

This afternoon, while I should have been working on my music, but just couldn't, I decided to prepare more meals.

Let me say that I really don't like ground turkey instead of beef, or ground chicken, so about a year ago, I decided to try a lower fat product. I found a twin package of ground bison at BJs. It was fairly expensive, but that's OK, because I don't eat all that much, so it goes a long way. (about $5.00 a pound)

The bison when mixed with all the other ingredients is just like beef in taste and consistancy. I can't tell the difference. I imagine if I had a bison steak, rather than ground up I might be able to smell and taste a difference. Bison is lower in fat which might make it a bit tougher as a steak.

I also like sausage. I buy the hot Italian links. I freeze them until I'm ready to use them. I had two pounds of links today. They have been  in the fridge, waiting for a few days for me to get to them.

I chopped a huge white onion, and sauteed it in butter and olive oil (Oh, Popeye!). Half of the onion, I just sliced into pieces, and the other half I pulverized with my handy, dandy chopper. I added garlic and some seasonings to the mix. While they were browning, I slit the skin on the sausage and pulled the insides out. I never keep the skin because I am afraid that it will clog me up and force me into emergency surgery. I was warned about sausage back in the beginning and have followed the rules ever since.

After the onions were browned, I poured them onto a paper plate lined with a paper towel to soak up any oil and butter that I could.

Then, I added a little more oil to the frying pan, and added the sausage in pieces, not links. I used the spatula to chop the sausage into small pieces, and cooked it very slowly. When it was cooked to my liking, I raised the heat and added the onions. I brought everything up to a very hot state, and added 3 cans of black beans along with the liquid. The black beans I buy are the generic because they don't add sugar to them. They use salt, and water. Some companies add sugar to their canned beans, which is why I usually use the dried beans. 

I allowed the mixture to come to a boil, and then simmered the whole thing for about an hour to boil off the liquid. 

This mixture cooled for another hour and became 5 quarts of food for me. Each quart is about 3 or 4 meals.

I had some leftover liquid in the pan since I use a slotted spoon to drain as much liquid as I can before moving it to the containers.

I heated the leftover liquid liquid, and while I was doing that, I thawed a pound of bison. Then, I added it to the liquid, and browned the bison. I added a package of frozen vegetables, and another 3 cans of black beans (It cleaned me out. I have to buy more beans now) and that gave me 5 more quarts of meals. I also had some bacon that I added after cooking it separately. Oh, I also added a few different seasonings to change the basic flavor and add variety.

I'm glad I have a freezer. Now, I have 4 different types of meals all based on the same concept of high protein, yet complete in nutritional needs for me. I have enough food to last through the whole winter, along with some other food for variety.

The house smells wonderful and will for another day or so. I will eat well and be happy for another few months.

I do understand other people's need to eat a constant variety of food, but this simplicity seems to work for me. It decreases the illusion that food should be a major part of the day or used for entertainment. Food becomes something you do in order to continue to live, much like taking care of your teeth or basic hygiene. 

I do miss being able to just binge out on junk once in awhile, but the benefits are well worth it.

No Catsup!

I use Salsa! Works great. The hotter the better for me.

The pictures here are older ones that may not be that great as far as resolution. Enjoy them anyway. With my new Cable modem, I used full resolution rather than downsizing them. maybe they will turn out.

I don't know about the rest of you WLS people, but I go to see a counselor to help me work on the problems that I had that helped contribute to my weight gain in the first place.
I was a comfort eater. I ate in order to replace the love and affection I didn't think I was getting elsewhere.
My life was SO not my own, to use the current vernacular.
I was working for everyone else's sake, and not my own.
Now that it's my turn, I am having trouble making the transition to me instead of everyone else.
I wanted to take a vacation over the holiday since I have off for the entire week between now and New Years. I wanted to do something totally unique that would not be something that I would normally do.
But, I am not ready. I don't want to go alone.

I am not ready to jump back on the horse and find another mate yet. I'm not sure I will ever want to find another mate. I'm not sure I ever want to get married again.

But, I know that I don't want to vacation alone. I did that once, and didn't like it.

I made it through the holidays and maybe next year will feel a little more like doing something more. But this year was tough. I thought about last year and that was bad because I knew that my wife was sick, and couldn't enjoy the season as she wanted.
I tried to take her for a walk through the neighborhood last year at this time to see the lights. I managed to get her about 5 houses down, and she had to go back home again because she was too tired. I felt that very strongly this year when I went past the same houses. I did  a lot of walking past those houses this year.
Every year, we would go for drives after dinner to see the homes that were all decked out. I didn't do that this year.
There is one place near Manheim that decorates all of their trees. They have maybe 10 acres, and a drive through there is a real treat. They play Christmas music through speakers, and there is a fence that lines the drive. People go through there with their headlights off, but because of the amount of lighting, it is easy to find your way. We used to ride through with the windows open to hear the music, and I would turn the heat on high so Donna would be comfortable.
So, the memories flood in, and I decided to allow them to flow so I can grieve and finally get on with my life.
The wind has been brutal the past few days, so I've stayed inside to work on my music and watch movies and read.
Tonight, I will take a long walk to clear my head. I am undecided whether I will work on my music, clean the house, or take a drive.
The drive sounds good, but I have left over guilt. I think I'll head out before it overwhelms me......see you later!

Pictures worth 1000 pounds!

 

305 to 212.

Merry Christmas to all.

Life is Good!