ZZZZZZzzzzzz

I've had an entire week of feeling too tired to do much.
I have done things. I took several 2+ mile walks.
I've gathered trash, and done paperwork.
I've kept the house clean.
I went to a new supermarket to see what they have.
I've had an evening of friendship and prayer.

Yesterday, after a 2 mile walk, I came home, ate, and then took a nap because I couldn't keep my eyes open.
Last night, I took another nap at 6pm.
I slept for about 45 minutes the first nap, and an hour for the second.
I went to bed at my normal time and slept through the night.
I feel a bit tired this morning, but have vowed to get something done today.

I could blame the fatigue on the "magic" blanket, but I feel as if it has been helping me. Other than the dreams it has been causing, it feels comfortable on my skin. It is instantly warm, rather than initially cold as the goose down blanket is. This is one of the reasons I never liked top sheets. They feel cold initially before they adjust to body temperature. The crocheted blanket is made from more natural materials. I don't know if it's wool, or some blend, but I like it.

I've started to increase my protein intake through protein bars I've found online. They are made by "Pure Protein" and have a variety of flavors, all good. I've been buying them by the case at BJs, but they were out of them when I last went there. Also, BJs has limited their selection to just one flavor.
The protein bar has 200 calories and only 2% sugar, so it's well within my dietary limits. You can't tell that it's so low in sugar, it tastes much sweeter.

I've also started to increase my liquid intake also. I am drinking an extra quart bottle of crystal lite every night before bed. It doesn't make me have to pee in the middle of the night and satisfies my need of wanting something to eat or drink while watching TV or winding down the day.

So, I've left some things go this week, but it seems I needed the time off. I am so lucky to be able to have the time to rest when I need it. Society today throws so much stress out there, that if I were working full time, I'd probably drop over right now. I would feel guilty taking a day off, but I'm able to drive the bus and still find time to rest when I need, and work when I have to.

Thank God for the break.

I am writing this to tell you that I went back in and edited this entry tonight. It seems I really am tired and had some blaring/glaring mistakes. I don't know what my fatigue is from, but I am fighting through it. I still have to pace myself in order to be a safe school bus driver.
OK, now for the next entry....

High Street and Lows

Looking across my yard as the fire is being put out.

Back of house.

So, I'm on my way home from an amazing 4 mile+ walk on the rail trail. I'm coming up the street and I see black smoke near my house. The first thing I think is "someone is burning trash" which is illegal in our area.
As I get to the house next door, I see that their house is on fire.
I stop and look and see the side of the house near their kitchen with bright orange flames.
Now, I have been de-sensitized by watching all the garbage on TV and movies with all the horrible disasters. Something was different about this.
There was no horror music. The only sounds I can hear is the crackling of the fire, breaking glass, and popping noises.
I noticed that the smoke was going straight up, and it was very high.
I saw someone on the front lawn with a cell phone, so I knew that she was calling 911 for help, so I drove my car home in order to clear the street for the fire equipment.
My driveway is on the other side from the fire, so I walked back over (I couldn't run because I had just completed a 4 + mile walk) to the front of the house. A lady was trying to go into the house through the front door.
I yelled to the lady to not open the door because I was afraid there would be a back draft and she could get hurt. She asked me what to do.
I told her to bang on the door and go carefully around to the back of the house and start yelling.
In the meantime, I kept looking to see if I could see anyone inside.
Other people showed up and I told them to yell from the front which they did.
Things are a bit hazy, but I remember thinking how fast the flames were spreading and as big as the fire was, it might spread to my house.
I went back to my house and tried to get the garden hose set up, which required a trip to the basement to turn the line on, then go get the hose and attach it to the spigot. I took a look at the side of the house and decided it wasn't safe. So, I got my camera and started taking pictures.
In the meantime, all the emotions of the past year hit me and I became a total mess.
I couldn't think, I couldn't react. All I could do was watch.
By this time, I went back to the front of the house since the fire company arrived, and I watched them set up and start to fight the fire.
I decided to get out of the way, so I walked back to my yard and took more pictures. Then, I remembered I had a video feature on my camera and I set that up and started it running. (see video below. It is uncut and the voice is me trying to call my son while recording)
I also took a picture with my cell and sent that out to my kids.
During the course of the event, I lost track of time, but I remember seeing two neighbors trying to get into the house to try to save one of the dogs. They had to turn back because of the heat.
The house is a frame structure and the fire spread so fast that it was surreal. One minute, it was at the kitchen, and the next, it was all the way through the house. It also took out the garage which was about 6 feet from the house. The vinyl siding just melted, and left insulation exposed.
The car was burned on the right front, but the rest of it was spared.
I could feel the heat and smell the burning wood, and hear the crackling of the fire, which didn't sound at all like the movies. The odor is still in my lungs.
The people lost everything, but they are safe. The lady managed to save one of the dogs but the other was killed.

Garage after.

I didn't sleep too well last night and had to take a nap this morning. I left a note on the neighbor's car window offering what little help I could.

I was hoping to write a more positive blog report today. I was able to sell my blue car, pending pick up tonight.
I mentioned the walk, but I also took a cleansing long drive on Saturday. It really helped to get away for a little while. I need more time away.
I am making progress on the house, and will try to walk again tomorrow. I have sore feet today.
My thoughts and prayers to the family next door.

What's really important?

When I was a kid, we used to "dream build" by imagining what we would do if we had a million dollars.
Of course, now, we would have to have at least 10 million dollars, but the idea is the same.

Is there real value in money? I don't know because I've never had any worth talking about.
Is there value in health? Yes. I know that for sure having been on both sides of the fence.
Is there value in owning things? Yes. I value many material things. I would miss them if they were lost, broken, stolen, or taken away from me.

Is there value in family? It seems we don't appreciate that as much as we should. People related to me by blood are for the most part, not really happy with how I turned out. People who became family through other means are pretty much the same. So, for personal experience, I'd have to say there is not much value there.

Is there value in friendship? Yes. I think that rather than being able to choose my friends, I have been chosen. I have been honored.

So, if I had money, what would I do with it?
Money to me means freedom to be able to do all of the things I want to do rather than doing the things I have to do.
I wouldn't want to become lazy and just lay around on a beach all day. But, I would probably change things a bit to allow me to travel and see the world.

I would be able to take the time to "walk the Appalachian Trail, or something similar to that. In order to hike the entire trail, a person would have to be able to take at least 6 months off from what they normally do. For me, it would mean not being able to work. Since I depend on work in order to live, I couldn't do that. If I didn't have to work, I could take the time, if I chose. So, it's more of an ideal situation rather than an actual thing. Walking the trail could mean sailing around the world, or taking off to a 3rd world country to help others, or volunteering somewhere here in the States. Or, choosing how and when I worked, instead of having to work in order to survive. I wouldn't have any problem working at Burger King for low wages if I knew I had enough money to be comfortable when I wasn't working. I don't think I would be idle.

Before I found Bariatric, I read about the "Fat man walking". I believe I wrote about it on this blog way back when. This guy basically walked away from all his responsibilities by walking across the country in order to lose weight he had gained since leaving the military. He left his wife and kids behind and just started walking. He tried to write about it in order to offset some costs, but ended up screwing up the life he left behind. He lost his family, and really ended up looking like a fool. And, he didn't really lose the weight.

If I had the money (security), I would walk across the country. But the difference between him and me, would be that I would plan the trip. I would not be leaving anything or anyone behind. And, I would be walking towards a goal rather than walking away from a problem.

People today are looking for heroes. They are trying to see something in others that doesn't exist.

Another guy I saw recently had a gift of having an amazing voice. He could make anyone feel good just by talking. But, he had so much emotional baggage, as well as a substance abuse problem. He was on the street for a good reason. He needed medical and psychological assistance.

But the hero hunters found him and handed him way more than anyone could hope to have. He got his "million dollars" handed to him. He screwed it up too because he wasn't prepared or (maybe?) worthy of it.

The way I see it, there are always people who need help in some way. If they reach out for it with the goal of using that help as a "hand up" and not a "hand out", then they should be helped. Of course there are people out there who will always need help and they aren't a part of this discussion. Those people should be helped no matter what.

I have problems and could use some help. But, I won't run away from my problems by walking away from them. I won't ever take help from someone without expecting to use that help as a "hand up" in order to get back on my feet.

How someone got into the situation isn't as important here as what they intend to do to get back to where they should be.

I may not want to get back to where I should be. I may not deserve to be helped. I may need to be left alone in order to figure out where I need to be, and what I should do to get there. This is why I am not doing something like walking away from my problems.

Some time down the road, I may walk away from my problems. I do think about the extreme solutions. I really don't think I'll ever get that far.

Life is good!

So, what would I do if I had the money?

• I would get out of debt.
• I would get a "real" bathroom and a "real" kitchen for my house.
• I would hire someone to help me clean so I could spend time working on my life instead of working for my life.
• I would hire people to help me finish fixing the house instead of trying to do it all myself.
  
• I would take a real vacation. I've never had one that lasted for more than 4 or 5 days. I've always come back from them feeling worse than before I left.
• I would host a party. Can't afford to do that now.

Would I buy a fancy expensive new car? No. I am happy with the ones I have now. I might even keep both of them instead of selling one to help cover expenses.
Would I buy a yacht? No, but maybe a kayak.
I might buy a motorcycle, but only because I enjoy riding and would like to do that more.
Would I buy a condo at the shore? No, I might rent a place so I could vacation there when I needed time off.

Oh, do I need time off right now.

Would I quit my job? Yes. I like my job, but it doesn't earn me enough money to continue to live here much longer, and I can't take off from it in order to go anywhere. I am also not as confident in my skills as a driver as I used to be. I don't want to hurt anyone, or be hurt myself, so I wouldn't want to drive for a living.
I would like to find a village somewhere that I could live where I don't have to drive to get around. If I needed a car, I could rent one, or take a bus, train, or donkey.

When I was young, I thought about the possibilities of owning a large house/property and making lots of money. Now, I would rather have the time alone or with close friends. I'm no longer interested in the rat race, or working for someone else who has these unrealistic expectations. I work to live. I don't live to work.

The answer?

Since I started writing this blog: (maybe not in order. My mind doesn't work like that!)

• I've re-mortgaged the house in order to consolidate monthly payments.
• Watched my wife get sick and die very slowly.
• Tried to counsel my son.
• Tried to counsel my future daughter in law.
• Lost my father to alzheimer's.
• Lost my brother in law.
  
• Lost both of my dogs.
• Lost all 4 of our cats. (The dogs were mine! The cats, not so much)
• Seen what 3 quarters of a million dollars worth of medical bills look like.
• Held more cash in my hands (actual cash) than I ever have in my entire life.
• Held power of attorney for the first time.
• Had major surgery.
• Been diagnosed with Celiac Sprue (I am being retested for this in the early summer because they don't think I fit the profile).
  
• Lost more weight than I ever have at one time, and kept most of it off.
• Bought a car just because I liked it, totally oblivious to the fact that it's a very impractical car.
• Had a guitar designed and built just for me.
• Had 2 amplifiers designed and built for me.
• Bought a TV that I can actually see without squinting.
• Gave away all of my clothing because they were too big.
• Bought all new clothing.
• Bought winter underwear that was comfortable and warm for the first time.
• Bought shoes that are comfortable and warm, and will be comfortable and cool in the summer.
• Cried more in 6 months than I have for the previous 56 years.
• Said "yes" more than I have in years.
• Said "no" more than I have in years.
• Came back early from a vacation.
• Rented a car bigger than a shoebox.
• Had total control over my life for the first time in my entire life.
• Prayed more than I ever have in my entire life.
• Been alone more than I ever have in my entire life, and not gone crazy.

What's next?
I have no idea but here is some of what I plan to do:

• Finish painting the house.
• Get rid of all the rest of the extra junk. The house will only have what I need in it.
• Start jogging.
• Walk at least 10 miles in one trip.
• Kayak at least once.
• Go to Florida for at least a week, maybe two.
• Write 15 songs.
• Write a book.
• Lose another 40 pounds or more.

So, what did you do the last 3 years?

The line

I wrote about milestones last year. They were specific points in time that allowed me to see that things have changed.
These things were important to me because my way of thinking changed when they happened.
Milestones are very important to children, but as we get older, we don't always feel the emotions involved, or actually notice the change because we become de-sensitized over the years.

• Imagine what it will feel like the first time I have to ask a woman out on a date after losing my wife last year, and being married for 34 years.

Obviously, if you're human, you can imagine something like this as being similar in feeling to being a teen and asking a girl out for the first time.
I haven't experienced those emotions for a very long time.
Will My body and mind be able to handle it? I could drop dead from a heart attack!!!!

I am going a bit overboard here, but you get the idea.

Now, while you read this, think about the changes that have happened to me (or you!) as you contemplate major surgery just because you're fat!
How may changes will you go through that you haven't considered or are not ready for because you've decided to go through with it?

• What will your partner think? How will they react? Will they actually tell you how they feel, or will they keep it inside? What about your parents? Friends? Boss?

These changes for the most part, are worth everything you go through in order to lose the weight. All of the stress of the choice you make, is worth it, no matter what.
Right after I had the surgery, my wife of 34 years died. If I can make it through that, you can make it too. Believe me, it isn't fun, and my heart is broken. But, I will survive.

I know fellow WLS people who went through the surgery around the same time as me and have had to go back for more surgery for other problems, but I don't think any of them would have the WLS reversed.
I know that not everyone is happy with the hanging skin, or the absolute attention to proper diet, exercise, and the discipline required, but they are alive and for the most part, healthy again.

• Will I win the battle?

I fight with that question every day. Some days, I get up and feel like I'm 10 pounds heavier. I retain fluids, or I lose them rapidly. Strange things like that keep me from doing certain things to keep from being embarrassed. That's OK, because I will eventually conquer the problems, or learn to deal with them and move on.

So, now, I come to the title of this post. Everything above this was dealing with an ending to milestones, and a beginning to the line.

• Approaching the line.
• Crossing the line.
• What's on the other side of the line?
• Why is there a line?
• What is the line?

OK, maybe you don't have a line. But, I'm guessing you do. If you have been contemplating WLS this line has been bothering you for a long time, and it isn't just about being fat. It's part of your every day life.
That is why I'm a big fan of counseling after the surgery, as well as being part of a support group.
Our being fat isn't a "glandular" problem. It's between our ears.

• We haven't learned how to eat properly.
• We don't exercise.
• We don't quit eating when full.
• We are more concerned about others than we are with ourselves.
• We don't care about ourselves.

Pick one, or all of the above.
So, we all approach the line and decide what to do. It's scary to go across the line. It's scary to even approach it. It's easier to just keep doing the same old thing rather than to take the leap and cross the line.
Personally, I am afraid to succeed just as much as I am afraid to fail. Think about that, please. To me, they are the same thing.
I will shy away from the line every time! So, where does that leave you if you were hoping for an answer here?
Well, I crossed the line. I was so far down, that I went into my bedroom one day, and prayed to God to either kill me, or make me better. That was the only way I was able to cross the line.
I didn't do it on my own. Believe me, I'm not a fan of religion. I was given a hand to help me cross the line. I'm glad the decision wasn't made to kill me!

So, the line could be fear of failure, or fear of success.
The line could be fear of the unknown.
The line could be fear of death.
The line could be from experiences from the past.
It could be from laziness, or comfort.

I always wondered why some people never had a line. I know of people who make a decision and go for it, no matter what. I'm not like that, but maybe someday I'll try it.
Or not....

I now know what is on the other side of the line. I know it isn't success,or the end of the story.
My problems are still with me, but, I am still here too.
I know that I will probably be fighting the rest of my life. I still have the line in front of me. It's not just one line. It's many lines:

• I have been comfortable living in the house I've been in since 1992. My kids were raised here, and I've worked hard to take care of it all these years. I have been going back and forth whether or not to sell the place. I can't live anywhere else cheaper. The mortgage and expenses are controlled or at least predictable, so I know what to expect. It's comfortable. It's comfortable. But, is it the right thing to do? The other side of the line is scary. If I sell the place, what will happen? I don't have my parents to advise me, or to tell me what to do. My wife is gone, so no counsel there either. My friends have given opinions on both sides of the fence. So, the choice is mine. The line is there.

In my entire life, I've never had to make a decision on my own. Never! If you read the beginning of this piece, you will start to understand that this is just like asking a a girl out on a first date, but without the safety net. I've never been without that safety net until now. Phew!

• I have played guitar since I was 11. I am good, but do I have anything left to offer? Will anyone want to listen to me? Can I make a living playing? Will my health allow me to abandon the "normal" lifestyle and finally pursue a dream that has been with me since I first started playing?

Who knows if I can do it all? Can I continue to be healthy and lose the rest of the weight I need to lose? Can I afford to live if I abandon the normal life of working for a living? Can I do what it takes to do all these things necessary for survival?
The fear is in me. It's almost tangible.
Many of the things I wrote about when I started this blog, I didn't do. They were dreams back then, but I just didn't follow through.

• I didn't get to go to Hershey Park. I wanted to buy a season pass and spend my spare time there, just walking, and riding the rides. I didn't do it. I haven't even been there yet.
• I wanted to kayak. I am not sure I will get to do that either.
• I wanted to take some really long walks. I have taken some as long as 4 miles. But, I need to go 5-10 miles to really feel like I've crossed that line.
• I want to jog. I don't need to run a marathon. I don't have anything to prove. But, I want to feel what it's like to jog. The runner's high? I'm not sure I want to go that far. If I injure myself while running, it will mess up my exercise plans.

One of the lines I find interesting, and I have crossed a number of times, is the ability to ignore a schedule. One thing in particular has been to start walking after dark. I live in an area where I can walk safely after dark.
The line occurs because "normalcy" require us to wind down at night before bed so we can get a good night's sleep. We work hard every day, so we can sleep at night.
I used to work at night as a musician and sleep during the day. I used to walk at night because I was so pumped up from playing that I couldn't sleep. There were times when I was a kid, that I would go over to the track at the junior high school and run until I dropped. It was strange to run all out when you couldn't see, not worrying about running into anything. It was exhilarating!
I don't drink, so going to a bar at night really isn't fun for me. I don't like watching sports on TV, or talking to drinkers. I don't like being alone, or trying to order something from a bartender when I have so many restrictions. I won't take up drinking just to be around people.
So, one of my next lines to cross will be to find a female to socialize with. I will ask her out on a date, and hope that she is the one so I don't have to cross over any more lines.
Yeah, I know I'll have lots more lines to cross.

Milestone revisited!

How far I've come since my initial surgery.
I've decided to write a new blog so that I can concentrate this one on bariatric, and the other will be my venting outlet.
I have reached many new milestones and passed them.
This summer, I plan to start running. I am already almost doing that because I am walking so fast that I feel as if it's the logical next step. I want to run on the trail so that I can save my feet from the asphalt surface. Other parts of my legs will suffer too if I'm not careful.
I plan to start playing out as I've talked about many times already.
I still haven't made it to Hershey Park. I still haven't taken a real vacation. But, that isn't the fault of the weight loss. Life happens.
I have been looking at Kayaks. I have a close friend who kayaks with his wife and I may just try to hook up with them for one of their jaunts.
I am physically and mentally ready for the next step. I am not financially ready, however, and I want to try to keep that from becoming a problem.
Who knows what will happen next? I am surprised every day!

The blanket

Back when my wife was pregnant with our first child, she was working at a Hotel.
They had a very nice medical benefit's package. When the doctor told her that she should take it easy during the last 6 weeks of her ordeal, her employer told her she could take a leave of absence and the insurance plan would cover her pay. Then, he would allow her to take the following 6 weeks after the birth, if timing worked out that way. 12 weeks total.
My wife cut back her hours instead, and was able to work until just before her labor. This allowed her to take almost all of the 12 weeks after she gave birth.
While she was at home, she decided to keep her hands busy by crocheting a blanket. Since she didn't have one single color of yarn (I can't spell skein!), she just picked up the next skein of yarn when she finished the last one.
Her work of art turned into an amazing creation.

Side track:

When we were growing up, we always had single beds, which were so small. So, one of the things we talked about was getting the biggest bed we could find when we got married.
I was able to find a king size water bed with full wave mattress for $100.00 in the paper. I bought it for it's sheer size. If you don't know anything about them, a king size water bed is bigger than a king size regular mattress bed. We didn't know this at the time, and didn't find out until we tried to buy sheets and blankets for it.

So, we had a king size blanket that was really too small for the king size water bed.
Hence, the reason for my wife to make her own larger blanket.

Back to the story now:

The blanket sometimes used more than one skein of yarn per row, so Donna tried to match the colors as best she could. But, with time, she was running out of options, so she just used what she had. We really didn't have the money to spend on new yarn, and I didn't see the purpose to buy more yarn when we still had some. I didn't mind the color mix and neither did she. I believe she used 19 skeins altogether, although my memory is weak about that.

When finished, the blanket draped over the bed very nicely, from top to bottom, and side to side. It more than covered the bed, so we had something that finally fit the huge bed.
We did buy a new mattress with baffles in it soon after we got the bed, but we kept the beautiful blanket as our main cover for a long time. It was a loosely woven blanket, so there were holes in between the stitches, but it kept us warm none the less. It stretched with us, and never shrank, even though we washed it many times. It was a real bear to hang to dry, however, because it stretched so much, and was so big.
Over time, some of the stitches came loose and had to be repaired. There were also some small holes that formed. But the blanket stayed comfortable for us.
The dogs slept on it. The cats slept on it. The kids slept on it. We slept on it and under it. It was part of the family.

When we later got rid of that water bed and had a new one made for us, the blanket made the transfer right along with us.

Through the years when I got too fat, I was always too warm, and Donna always too cold. I would get leg cramps from the heavy blankets that Donna used. She added an electric blanket when we got rid of the water mattress and replaced it with a regular mattress (Called a California King). I decided to finally spend some money and bought a goose down blanket. It was very light, and sooooo warm. I used to push or fold the other blankets over so that I didn't have to sleep with them. Donna had her half dozen blankets, and I had just two. The goose down, and the tutti frutti colored blanket. I also hated top sheets, so I would push the sheet over and sleep under the blankets.

This covers the time from around 1979 when she started making the blanket, until March of 2010.

Donna went into the hospital in February 2010, and never came home. Sometime in March, I decided I needed to get the best sleep I could, so I arranged the bed to my liking. Everything before that time was a compromise (and one that I would gladly make again if she were beside me). I took all of the blankets off the bed, except for the goose down. I threw out the electric blanket, and stored the crocheted one after washing it.

When Donna died, I cleared a lot of stuff out, but kept the blanket in a laundry hamper next to the bed.

There it stayed until this past Sunday night. I changed out the sheets and decided to put it onto the bed. Actually, that's not true.

I did have it on the bed, but it was folded in half and only on Donna's side. I don't sleep on that side, even though I can sleep anywhere I want now.
It was just this past weekend that I decided to unfold it and sleep with it.
It smelled wonderful, and felt so soft. I didn't even mind the extra weight because it stretches so nicely.

This is where the story goes off the deep end a bit:

I usually have good dreams. Even when I have bad ones, I can remember afterward where they come from. That is, what part of the recent events caused me to remember things. My brain kind of "de-frags", mixing and matching events that occurred, sometimes out of order. I dream accordingly, so if I see a good movie, I live in that movie while experiencing events that actually occurred during the past week or so.
When I wake in the morning, things usually seem a little more normal for me.

Well, as soon as I started sleeping with this blanket, things have gone all out of proportion. I have had some very wild dreams, and even what I would refer to as nightmares. The events from the past week are still sorting themselves out, but there are other things that don't seem to fit, or they fit badly. Good events turn bad and so on.

I have been having this problem since I started using the blanket. I haven't had a good night's sleep. I am waking up after each nightmare and having trouble getting back to sleep.

I decided that am going to keep sleeping with the blanket until it is finished unloading all of it's memories. I believe this is all part of the grieving process. The crazy thing is I thought the grieving was finished for now, with only minor interruptions in my life. Apparently not.

So, the journey goes on. I will keep using the blanket until one of us wins the battle. I hope it's me. I don't think the blanket can take care of the house if I'm not here.

Friday night

There was a time when I could go all night.
I would practice during the day, and then load my ton of equipment into the car and head out to play.
Most of the gigs back then were 4 or 5 hours long and ended up around 2am. We would play 40 minutes and then take a 20 minute break. This would allow people to talk and socialize.
Our music really rocked, so people would work up a sweat and dance the whole time we played. It didn't matter what band I played in back then, everyone danced. Lots of food, drink, and smoke!
I would finish around 2am, and load the equipment back into the car and drive home. Depending on how far away we played, I could get home at 3 or 4am. I would then unload the car and go for a walk.
I would walk until I came down from the high of playing. I was usually tired and a bit sore, but I would walk anyway.
I am about to start doing the music again. I want to play live for people. I don't know if I can find a full size band to work with, or just go out and play on my own. I can do either. But, I want to play no matter what.
I have been practicing ever since I got my guitar back from the builder. He did a great job of adapting it to my hand. The guitar sounded very good before, but the strings were a little too far apart for me to feel comfortable playing for long.
It's strange, but I never thought about having fat fingers before my surgery. But, that's what happened. My fingers got fat and they hurt when I played. I even took medicine for arthritis.
After I started losing weight, they stopped hurting. I can play now for quite a while without pain.
I no longer take any drugs other than vitamins and minerals.
Other than the fact that my fingers are a bit bent from age, they work just fine. I get a bit less excited about playing, so my technique has become more refined and I am able to sit still and work on specific parts. I couldn't do that before. I had to hear the song, and then run it through in my head rather than practice it. I can practice now.
So tonight, I am going to go out and hear a duo that has been bugging me to come out to hear them for awhile. I guess it's about time to do that.
I am used to going to bed at 9pm because I get up early for work. I even go to bed early on weekends so I don't mess up my bodies schedule.
I am tired now, but it's not a long drive, so I'm gonna go see them anyway.
I did try to go see them once before but the room double booked and they canceled.
I won't stay long, unless I find a female that I can dance with!
It won't be long until I am out playing on a regular basis.

On a side note, I delayed the story I wrote for this blog until the 6th of this month. I am writing this in real time and will publish it before I leave.

Life is Good!

So, what's new?

The weather keeps messing around. It's never right. It's always too hot or too cold!

When have you heard that?

I don't complain about the weather. I just look for ways to live with it. I am one of the lucky people who not only gets to see the sun come up every morning that it's not cloudy, I actually enjoy seeing it happen. I never get tired of it.

I see the kids on the bus looking sullen, or sleeping in the morning. They miss all the beauty around them. They've been desensitized by the amazing electronic media. They would rather watch TV, play videos, or surf the internet.
If I point something out to them, such as the high water from the snow melt, or the grass starting to turn green, they just huff as though I'm merely a servant, hired to get them to and from school.

That's OK. I don't mind. I enjoy the scenery whether they do or not.

I am eating more of my home made concoctions (Chili and stew) in an effort to deplete the supply, so I can make more variety soon. I bought new pots and pans, and am waiting for a rebate in the form of a fairly large stock pot. Hopefully, it will arrive soon.

I am also looking for a new source of fish oil. The gelatin capsules I take now are large and they come in a huge container. I am concerned they are going rancid in their shells with time, and may not be good for me. So, I will try to find a smaller container for sale during one of my visits to the supermarket.

I decided to stop going to the counselor. I am coming out of the dark ages, and things are starting to come together for me on my own. I am hoping that this is the time I've been waiting for all of my life when the things I do start to become financially and emotionally satisfying.

I have a story to tell. I think I'll write it in the next entry. It doesn't have anything to do with WLS, diet, or exercise. It's more about my journey through life. In particular, my present journey. I hope it is an easy read.

Don't worry. Life is Good!

Taxes and paint

I am alone.
Because of that, many things that should be done in this abode have been left in a holding pattern. Lots of things started, some of them finished. But, there are things that haven't been put away yet. I just don't have time to do it all. This makes me wonder why I am here with all this stuff. Every wonder about that?
I don't mind, but sometimes it frustrates me and it tries it's very best to make me feel guilty. Sometimes, it succeeds.

• After trying my best, I finally went to the tax prep place and had them do my taxes. I carried along two large boxes. I took one in with me and left the other in the trunk of the car. The guy worked for two hours and found two mistakes I made, and corrected them. Then, he found a couple of things I didn't know about and managed to get me a few dollars back. That was the good news. He revealed a few details that cost me money. When all was said and done, I got some money back from the Federal Government, had to pay the State, and broke even locally. Then, he presented me with the bill for his services. Well, there went almost all of the Federal refund. Oh well....
• I ended up bringing everything home and letting the boxes all sit overnight on the couch. I tried my very best to get up and write the check, put the death certificates into the proper envelopes, and go over to the post office, but I just couldn't do it for some stupid reason. So, they sat overnight. I should point out here that those boxes have been there for a few weeks now for several reasons. They are easier for me to get to there. They are also there because the back bedroom is being painted. And, they are there because even though I have gone through them several times, I have to go through them yet again to un-sort them. Long story for another time. What I did instead of finishing what I should have last night, was to eat dinner, then go to the bedroom and paint. I started painting the upper walls an realized that I hadn't done the upper trim. But, I plowed on anyway and went around the room, doing the upper parts, but leaving the trim alone. I filled the paint tray twice and almost finished before I got too tired to do anymore. If I had had the energy, I would have done the upper and lower walls all at the same time, then finish the trim the next time I painted. It didn't work. Oh well...
• This morning after making breakfast....Oh by the way, I bought new pots and pans but haven't put them away yet. I wanted to re-arrange the cabinets so I would be able to keep the inside of the pots from getting scratched. I just haven't had the time to do it all. So, I made breakfast (two eggs/omelet style, Canadian bacon) and watched TV while I ate. I finished the tax forms by inserting the checks and death certificates, sealing them, and taking them to the post office. They had to be weighed and stamps added. Then, I came home and painted the lower part of the room. I didn't finish. I ran out of steam again. But, I did a lot more. Oh well...

I have a pile of clean clothing I haven't yet put away.
I have dishes in the sink.
I have another load of wash to do.
The pots and pans are still on the counter.
I have wanted to set up my old turntable, hook up the amp and speakers so I could play records, but haven't had time or a good place to put them all. Maybe when the back bedroom is finished.
I have empty boxes to throw away, and I also have a ton or more of stuff to clean out yet. Anyone want a child's rocking chair that needs to be re-caned? Oh, and I think the one leg is broken off.
The list goes on and on.

In the past few days, and actually every day, My ADD allows me to complete many tasks, but for some reason, I can never finish them all. I have tried drugs to concentrate, but they don't seem to work, so I self medicate with coffee when I can.

While painting the past few days, I did several other things as I encountered them. These things don't appear on my list. I have a pocket recorder and one day I will put batteries in it and talk into it as I do things just to see just what it is I do during the course of the day.

If I miss the trash can, and I do that quite often, I have to pick it up right away. No one else here to do it for me.
If I want to eat something special, I have to make it myself. No one else here to help out.

I have a friend coming over Monday to see the house again and give me his opinion. He is a real estate agent and he did an assessment before I did all the things to the house. He gave me advice, and for the most part, I followed it. But, I did add things I really wanted, and went a bit overboard with some stuff, such as the fantastic brick paver sidewalk. I am interested in hearing his comments and seeing if the market has improved.

I am getting ready to go out and become social again. I am still not ready, nor am I looking forward to it. I still hate crowds, but who knows what will happen.

I am also looking to find new blogs to read. I love to read, and will finish two books soon, so I need my fix.


Stay tuned....

Progress

I think I've lost a few pounds because I am walking more and have cut back on eating as much. I'm coming out of the seasonal depression by getting more sun, and things seem to be improving a bit.
I had another guitarist come over last night to audition for my duo. I don't think we will be a good fit although I did like him. He plays as well as most of the musicians in the area. I was kind of hoping I would find someone who would play better than me, forcing me to work harder.
He has a good singing voice, but we didn't have time to try harmony.

I am going to the tax preparer tomorrow morning. I worked on the taxes myself online for the past two weeks without resolution to my problems. The terms they are using don't mean anything to me, so I gave up and will pay someone to do it this year.
Hopefully next year will be easier.

I have been watching Showtime series on Netflix for relaxation the past week or so. I finished Battlestar Gallatica, and am waiting for a few extra pieces only available by DVD or Blu Ray to arrive. In the meantime, I have Toy Story 2 and 3 to watch the next time I fire up the machine. These shows and movies are a great escape for me as well as a learning experience.

I keep forgetting that there are varied ideas out there, and not just the PA Dutch way of doing things. It is soooo plain here it's not even funny. I need some Tabasco!

I love my polartec long johns, and my wool blend socks. I really love the shoes I bought from LL Bean. My body has never been warmer in the winter! They have helped me to get outside more and exercise. I really hate the treadmill and other stationary machines. It's a shame I don't have the energy to work on a farm doing real exercise.

It's going to rain tonight into tomorrow, so other than my trip to the tax prep, and driving the school bus, I'm going to stay in and work on the paint for the back bedroom.

Almost there!

1. I'm fighting with myself to succeed. I did have one person try to get me to do something I didn't want to do yesterday, and I refused with dignity. I don't do that too often, but I'm going to start to do it more because it's time for me to stand up and do what I think needs to be done, right or wrong.
2. I realized yesterday that the work I am doing to this home will probably be enjoyed by someone else but me. I am going to lose the house unless I can come up with an income of at least $25k per year. I don't have that now, and really never did. I have always had a double income, with my wife being the main breadwinner because she had the degree. I stayed home to take care of things here. I prefer to do that now, but it looks like I will have to change. I'm at the beginning of my thought process here, so stay tuned. I will get there.

I am almost finished reading a book I wrote about earlier (Four hour work week). I thought the book was a waste of time, but it actually has some relevance to my situation. If I can overcome the deceit suggested in it, I may be able to use some of the information there.

This 4 day weekend was productive for me. In addition to all the physical labor I did on the house, I also kept to my diet, and got in a few 3 mile walks. I also found out how tired I was.
I left for Baltimore last night. I was going to go hear a friend's band, and before I got to York, I realized I would never make it down and back on my own. I was too tired.
So, I came home and hit the sack at 9pm. I slept until 7am this morning. I am still tired, but there is a difference in my attitude. I feel better mentally.

I am almost finished with the taxes. I am trying to do it myself. The death of my wife made it very confusing. For those of you who have money with lots of investments, you are probably used to all the variations of the government trying to steal your hard earned money. For me, it's just a matter of survival.

Regardless of all this, I am still moving forward. Right now, I am not making enough money to live, and I have to do something about it, as I've written about many times.

• I could just give up and collect welfare.

Do you know how tempting that is?
I can qualify for food stamps, financial assistance, and next year's taxes would be oh so easy, because I wouldn't have to pay them because my income is below the poverty level.
I can also qualify for assistance with my energy costs, like gas and electricity, and they will even come out and install new windows, insulation, and other stuff for free!

To me, that sucks!
No way would I drop down to that level. Why should you have to pay for me to live here?

Stay tuned, I'll write more another time. The journey continues....

Keeping it alive!

I've been thinking about doing another blog because I get ideas from time to time and they don't fit here.
I have so many ideas going on in my head at once and I do need to be creative in some way. Otherwise, I'll just explode.

• I've wanted to write about my experiences behind the wheel of the various buses I've driven over the years. I have 37 years so far. Things have changed a bit since I first started driving in 1974. I actually started driving vehicles a few years before, but turned 21 in 74.
  
• I have driving suggestions that come from common sense and experience. I could probably write a whole book about them. I could be a driver's ed teacher!
  
• I see ways to solve or at least open the minds of those who need to solve some of the big problems with our current world here in the USA. Common sense isn't common in D.C.!
  
• I wish I could sit still long enough to write some of the music that is in my head. I think I may have to leave that alone. It may be too late for me. Maybe someone else younger will come along to write them.

I've thought about the extremes when it comes to ideas, and find that extremes are a great tool, but not very good if put into practice. Extremes allow me to see the outer edge of the problem.

• Should I stay or should I go?
• Do I sell the house, or should I fight to keep it?
• Do I allow myself to go broke, or should I do something to stop it?
• Should I retire to a cardboard box, or move to an apartment?
• Why are some of the points blue, and some red?
  

Some people like extremes, but they are too dangerous for me. I like to be somewhere in between. Being on one side or the other doesn't leave room for me to change my mind. It forces me to do something I may not want to do.

All in all, I seem to be coming out of my depression and have survived most of the grieving process, so I will start again in my weight loss quest, and will start doing some things that I stopped doing last year.

• I have been walking this week now that the weather is a bit less extreme. I even took a walk on the rail trail, although it was ice covered and slippery. I went slower, but still got a good workout. I would like to start doing some much longer hikes. I now have the shoes, socks, and camel pack (back pack with storage for liquid as well as other things) towards that goal.
  
• I hope to start jogging this spring.
• I would like to buy a kayak and fulfill one of the goals I set for myself before the WLS. I found two old friends who already do that, and I hope to take some trips with them.
  

For now, I will put off writing another blog, because I have too many other things I have to finish first.

• I still have trouble getting started doing the things I should be doing. I have 3 things that I want to finish this week:

1. I want to see if I can finish the taxes myself. With all the crazy extra stuff from Donna's death, I don't know if I can do it right. I will try starting tonight. I already have the medical bills sorted. I need to total them up. Just the ones I paid last year from the first two months of the year (not including the medical bills that were dropped later) I have close to $3,000.00. That should help me to get a few dollars back from the IRS.
2. I want to finish prepping and priming the back bedroom. I have everything out of the room. I need to pull the curtain rods and shades off the windows, and roll up the carpet so I don't end up painting it. Then, I need to get the last few pieces of wall paper off. I have to go out and get more curtain panels too, and replace a few socket covers. Then, I can sand, and prime. The door is busted and I don't know if I will go out and buy the wood to fix the molding around the door, or just leave it until next year. If I sell it, I guess I should replace it all.
3. I have to get started on a job search in order to keep my options open. If I want to keep the house, I need to make more money than I am now. I was told I could apply for welfare/food stamps since my income is so low now. I would rather go back to work full time than to go on welfare. But who knows what kind of job I could get? Age and skills are a factor. So, I am starting my search this week, and won't stop until I land something, or make the decision to move somewhere else and work there. Either way, I will probably have to sell most of my stuff just to keep afloat.
   
4. I have to get the pots and pans put away. I don't have a place for them yet. I didn't want to put them where the old pots and pans were. They were in the floor cabinet, which made it inconvenient to get. They got scratched easily too because they were stacked on top of each other. Since I will be painting the kitchen as well as trying to replace the flooring, adding a dishwasher, and mounting the microwave above the stove, I will try to do something temporary for now.

Gee, that's 4 things. I decided to jump into the first two on the list, and keep the other two in mind for next week.
I have a lot more stuff to do, including some more major uncluttering. The garage needs to be cleaned out. The bathroom needs to be painted, and I need to either replace the carpet in the living room/hallway, or come up with some other ideas. The present carpet looks terrible.
I've come so far in such a short time, but I feel as if I should be much further along.
Life is Good!

Short thoughts

• I noticed that the two blogs I have been reading, other than my own, have been idle for some time. I think that is for a number of reasons. This time of year, people slow down. It's the calm before the spring. Happens every year. Another is because they are having problems, or just don't have the time to write. They could be having a dry spell and don't have anything to say. I hope they start writing again soon.
• I do have another blog that I followed, but he seems to have dropped off the charts. He had other interests and I understand why he isn't writing his WLS blog. I have talked to him through email, so I know he is OK. I can't keep up with everyone, but I enjoy reading his stuff.
• I had an email a few years ago from a blogger who was having serious problems. This person only made two entries into their blog and then dropped off the charts. I hope they are OK, but I will probably never know.

_______________________

• I am making a slow transition to my Imac. I still have a long way to go and I feel really stupid that I can't figure things out. I won't give up, but I will take my time. I bought a hard drive back up unit called a Time Capsule, but haven't gotten it to work yet. I tried it a few times without success. Apple is not as easy to learn as they claim. I also got a touchpad and that is amazing. I wish I had one of these before. They make things so much easier on the hands and fingers.
• I ate my first home made stuffed peppers today. Very good!
  

Ground beef (very lean) with bacon crumbled, Spanish rice, tomatoes (diced from a can), seasonings and spices, Olive Oil. Traffic light bell peppers cut in half and cored. Baked after the beef mixture was fully cooked and stuffed.
I have enough left over to make two containers for the freezer. I can either use them to stuff more peppers, or just eat them as a meal. Eating them as stuffed allows me to control portions and get my veggies.

• I have been wanting to work on my music but keep running into mental reservations. It seems that I really don't want to play the old music. Everyone has heard the songs I sing hundreds, maybe thousands of times. I don't need to play them again. They don't make me feel better. I am tired of them. I wanted to do something of quality that was new. Something that would have new meaning to me and others. I just haven't been able to find that music within me. It seems I have been holding it in for so long, that I can no longer hope to get it out. So, I think I will put it away and use my music for other purposes. Those reasons are slowly becoming apparent to me. I hope to be able to play again sometime...
• I may have found a job that can fit me and replace my school bus driving without throwing away all of the years of experience. I am hoping it makes me enough money and allows me to take time off. It seems to me that taking time off is more important to me now than it was before. The job would start after the school year is over, so it would be a smooth transition for me. I am really hoping that the money is enough for me to keep my home, but I may just sell it anyway and move closer to the job just to start fresh.

I went for a checkup at the Gastro-Enterologist this week. This is the place that turned me onto the idea of gastric bypass surgery 3 years ago. They told me of the new doctor coming to town. They also were the ones who diagnosed my Celiac. I need to retake the Celiac test and get the standard Endoscopy/colonoscopy for maintenance. I opted to wait until school was out so I would have to take time off, but I may move up the date if I get the new job. There are some new developments, but I will write about them another time.

Transition and ramblings

I have been escaping into the world of Television series recently.
This started around Christmas when I was supposed to be doing other things. Since I don't drink (but would like to!), and don't have any other vices that I want to share here, HDTV series was a safe escape for me.

• "24" has 8 seasons. 7 of them are on Netflix on demand, so I was able to watch them straight through. They all have intros that I was able to skim through once I got the hang of it. I got to season 8 and had to order it on Blu Ray. It only have 6 episodes at a time, so I had to find something else to watch in the meantime.
• I found "Heroes". The entire thing is on Netflix, so I was able to follow it all the way through. It didn't really end, so they either ran out of ideas, or they will be back sometime on TV. Great show.
• I was able to get "24" on Blu Ray and I will watch that on the weekends until I run out. I still have two discs to go to finish it. So, in the mean time, I decided to see what the hoopla was about and spooled up "Battlestar Gallactica". I am into season 4.5 and I believe it will finish that soon. Another cerebral thriller and good entertainment! When this one is over, I will sample the original series to see the differences. I did watch a few of them when they first came out years ago, but wasn't impressed. It was more cartoonish than I liked.

I can understand addiction to food and alcohol now that I can't seem to turn away from these shows. I am hooked big time. I won't waste my time with sub-par series, and will go through withdrawal when I run out of good ones.
Over the years, there have been many TV shows that I was hooked on. I wish I had had a treadmill that would be quiet and comfortable enough so that I could walk and watch at the same time. I never would have gained weight, and would probably be able to walk to the moon without getting tired.

In the past few weeks, I've started to come back to the world.....very.....very.....slowly.
I am doing things to try to combat the demon that keeps me from doing things faster. It's like walking through mud. It isn't working too well, and it's draining my energy. It's not making me stronger.
I found out a little about myself, such as:

• I have a chip on my shoulder
• I have too many crutches to lean on
• I procrastinate, but I'll talk about that later
• I'm indecisive
• I'm shy and insecure
• I really don't have a clue. I am starting to have more questions than answers. Some people say that is a good thing. Is it?
  

So, the hell with all of those things. It's time for me to move on and see what I'm made of.

Today is the 1 year anniversary of an event in my life that I will never forget.
At 10:30am, I took my wife to the Oncologist. She had been having trouble adjusting to her cancer treatment. Just a few short days before, she had had her head shaved and was fitted for a wig. She was able to wear the wig only a few times. She had purchased several scarves, and was comfortable wearing them in public. Her co-workers treated her the same, which made things easier for her. It was a shock to me to see her this way, but I did my best to treat her the same too.

She had spent the previous few days sleeping all day on the couch. She only got up to go to the bathroom. She didn't eat that much. She spent her time watching old episodes of CSI in it's various forms and Law and Order. We didn't have HDTV back then, and Comcast on demand was very limited, so she was forced to watch whatever she could find.

Her Oncologist told her that from a cancer viewpoint, she would be able to live at least a few more years. But, the problem was not with her cancer. Her body just couldn't handle the treatment. She was run down and beat. There was no bouncing back.

Her mood up until this point was positive and upbeat. She was looking towards the future when she would be able to make some memories with the grand kids.

I had tried to get her outside to take short walks, but she just couldn't do it, and she refused to let me get her into a wheelchair so that we could go out together.

So, this morning at 10:30am one year ago, her Doctor told her that he wanted her to go to the hospital for some tests, and to see if they could help her.

I took her to the Hospital, and we got her settled into a room. I asked her if she wanted me to get her pajamas from home, and she said "no". She knew she would be spending a few days in the hospital at that point. This was a departure from her other trips to the hospital over the years and it shocked me to my core. I didn't know why at the time because I manage to hide my true feelings pretty well, even from myself.

Donna knew that she would never be coming home again. She was right.

This is why I have been wanting to escape. It's just so painful to think about. The things that I could have done to make her more comfortable. The things we never got say to each other. The places we wanted to go to. The things we wanted to do to the house. The times we wanted to spend with the grand kids. All these things flood back through me a year later.
From now until August 18th when I buried her, will be a rough time for me. I hope to be able to put it behind me next year and just remember the good times again, but it sure doesn't feel like that will happen.

The TV shows are interesting because they allow me to feel emotions again in the privacy of my own home. Battlestar has a lead character that has Breast cancer, and I am able to watch her and feel the pain and emotions I couldn't dare to feel before. There are other events in the shows that bring back memories that I need to experience, yet don't want to. This does help me to move on, and I am grateful for the time I need to heal.

Before I finish this post, which has nothing to do with weight loss, I wanted to mention that many of the actors in the shows I have been watching, are the same actors. It took me by surprise to see them playing different roles. I didn't recognize them at first. It's nice to know that they could find this much work with quality shows.

So, what am I going to do next?
Live!

Stuffed Peppers

I've been toying with the idea of getting bell peppers, specifically, the traffic light peppers (they come wrapped at the supermarket. One is red, one is yellow, and one is green) and filling them with protein with spices.
Spices are rare to Lancaster County and central PA in general.
Originally, spices were added to make things taste better.
They were added to make the same old foods easier to eat. How many days can you eat the same food without getting tired of it? If you add spices, that time gets extended.
Spices can also have medicinal benefits.
So, they taste good. They add longevity to the same old meal, and they might improve your health.

Now, everyone should know that pills are made from natural foods, and plants. They are just a more controlled way of giving you a consistent dosage of whatever it is you are supposed to be getting.
If you eat something that is supposed to be high in a particular vitamin, you don't really know how much of that vitamin you are getting. But, if you take that vitamin in pill form, you are pretty much assured you will get the same dose every time.
So, going off the deep end as far as analogy is concerned....if I cut traffic light peppers in half, and clean out the seeds, I can fill them with the same amount (smaller margin of error) of protein every time. I will be able to regulate my caloric intake too. Mother Nature's measuring cup, so to speak.

My Mother used to add an egg to her ground meat. She used to buy the meat herself, and grind it with her own machine. She used both an electric unit, and a manual unit. But, she was able to decide which cut of beef, poultry, liver, etc. she wanted. No additives, except the egg and any spices she wanted to add.

Spice does have some drawbacks. The nutritional content may change when the spice is cooked. It may increase or decrease. It may dissipate and be worthless with cooking. Or, it may get stronger. Cooking tomatoes for example is supposed to increase it's nutritional value in certain areas. The same thing goes for spice.
One good thing about spice is that it adds no meaningful calories, so you can add as much as you can stand. This rule has exceptions:
The nice thing about adding salt is flavor. But the wackos out there have given salt a bad name. With WLS, salt becomes a non-issue. As long as you aren't using more salt than food, you should be OK.

So, over the next few weeks, for as long as I can stand it, I will be adding different concoctions of protein and fiber to my peppers. I will be able to cook them, and then freeze them for later consumption. Add to this my chili/stew mixes, and the list gets longer.

This will help me to stay on target as far as food is concerned. Now to develop an exercise philosophy that I can follow. That's going to be tougher.

For fun!

The picture above is the first part of the storm yesterday morning. The footprints were from the mailman who has never heard of a sidewalk.

This picture was taken this morning after I finished with most of the shoveling.
The sidewalk was cleared completely after this picture was taken. I went in to eat and then came back out and finished it. I also did the neighbor's sidewalk and dug out the fire hydrant across the street.

Here's the story:
I decided to clear the snow today. We got about a foot, and it was wet and heavy. The last snowstorm was very cold, so the snow was dry and fluffy. It was much lighter.
I bought these shovels last year to replace the 2 cheaply made aluminum shovels and one very old steel scoop shovel. The scoop came from my Levittown home when I was a kid. The ends were curled from years of hitting the cement and the handle was cracked and ready to give out.

I bought two shovels. One is a scoop/push style, and the other is a straight snow shovel. They are made from spring steel with wooden handles and a plastic handle on the end.
Now, many of my neighbors have upgraded to snow blowers/throwers over the years because our driveways are fairly big. When we get a lot of snow, it's becomes a real chore for them to use the old style shovels.

There is one neighbor who goes down the street with a large John Deere tractor with a snow thrower on the front. This is a very expensive machine because the guy also does lawn care during the summers.
He knows I like to shovel in order to get exercise. I really need to be forced to get outside this time of year, and shoveling the new driveway and sidewalk is a great incentive to do so.
So, he will hit the bottom of my driveway only. That's the area where the snow plow goes and delivers the very heavy slushy stuff as he drives by. The snow piles there are almost impossible to shovel and are usually a lot deeper than the regular snow.

So, he takes that out for me and then goes on down the street.

As you can see from the pictures, we got a two part snow storm yesterday, and last night. The first one hit in the morning. It made school bus driving a real nightmare. I got home 45 minutes later than normal. There was just enough snow to make it very slick, although there were times that I thought we were going to get buried. But, it turned out to only be a couple of inches and it stopped around noon.

I came home all excited because I was going to be able to get a decent workout, and lo and behold, my driveway and sidewalk were already finished. Two local kids were walking by and they did the shoveling for me. That is a rare event anymore in this day and age, so I thanked them for their help, and vowed to beat them to the punch the next time. I did pay them, even though they didn't ask for anything.

So, last night, the storm kicked in again, and dropped about a foot of wet snow on us.
I got up at my regular time (5:10am), ate, got dressed and started shoveling. I had to clear the snow off the school bus first, so I started it up and let it warm up in order to speed up the operation. I did the whole bottom of the driveway and then moved the bus down while watching the plow come by and cover up the bottom of the driveway.
Then, I did the top. By this time, schools were closed, so I went inside to take a break. I came back out and moved the Blue car and finished the whole top of the driveway. I then moved both vehicles back up and did the full bottom. By this time, the John Deere guy had come through, so my driveway was finished.
Then, I headed to the front of the house and watched the sun come up, and finished the sidewalk and the neighbor's sidewalk and fire hydrant as mentioned above. I got my time in the sun. I guess people going by must have thought I was nuts because I just stood there in the sun leaning against my shovel handle while soaking up the sun!
I finished the work around 9:15, with time off in between. I worked at a steady pace, but I know my limits and took my time.

Now, this story is fairly uneventful, and might even be considered a bit boring.
But, three years ago, I couldn't have done any of this work on my own.

I have to say honestly, that I am going to be sore tomorrow, but had I done this work 3 years ago, I would be dead instead.

Oh what wonderful progress!

I did get a shower and took a nap today, and I might even go back out tonight for a walk around the super market.

Wow, like the tire cover says....Life is Good!

Thoughts, Feelings, emotions

In the quest to improve myself, I have given up many things in order to replace them with other things.

• I changed my eating habits, but the old demons are still there. I have a weapon. It's a combination of the surgery and nutritional knowledge. I have a support team that I have abandoned for now, but will go back to them if I can't conquer the demons one more time on my own.
• I changed my lifestyle. I am more active than I've been in years. This is not perfect, either. It is a constant struggle.
• I changed my mental attitude. Again, the demons are constantly attacking me. Sometimes, they are covert, so it's tough to see them coming.

I look at the demons as being real. This helps me to cope. I need an enemy to fight, even if it's the old me and not a real tangible person, place, or thing (I should have just said "noun").
I have a voice that is talking to me all the time. Sometimes, we agree, sometimes not. Regardless, it's always there, jabbering away. It told me to write this blog instead of working on my bass playing. It told me to make some calls for the same reason.
I am getting things done. There is a lot to do, especially when no one else is helping. I am alone.

This world is set up so that everyone is busy, and no one has time to help each other. We are all online, on TV, or doing something else.
I haven't really asked anyone to help. I feel that it's my turn to do this on my own. So, I shouldn't complain that I am not moving as fast as I would like.

I wanted to talk about this next thing for a few days. I haven't had time because I was distracting the demons so I could do some thing to get back on track. They caught up with me, so here I am talking about it.

The Weather
It's damn cold outside. Many people hide inside where it's warm and they miss out on the beauty of winter. But, they also stay warm, so I can't blame them.
I am much more active and happy when I am outside, but just like them (you know? THEM!) I like to be warm too.
I bought all these polartec clothes for walking outside and I still spent hours and days hiding inside. I have walked a few times and as long as the wind isn't blowing, it's not bad.
Now, I have been walking mostly at night because it's dark and I like to be alone with my thoughts. Also, in this area, the wind dies down after sunset, I don't know why.
But, my counselor tells me that I am suffering from depression and need to get some vitamin D.
Damn, it's cold. It's 11:00am and 10 degrees. I just got back from my walk in the bright sunshine. I worked up a sweat and covered maybe 2 miles. I didn't measure it, but I kept walking until I was ready to head home. I had my polartec long johns and shirt on. I was wearing my goose down coat and a pair of old gloves. My fingers got cold so I curled them up into the top and abandoned the fingers. I also had a knit cap on. I have a rabbit fur mad bomber's hat, but I keep that for the windy days. I wanted to expose as much of my head and face as I could to the sun because I can't imagine it penetrating the coat and underwear, as well as my jeans and T shirt.
I did a walk yesterday too. I felt fairly comfortable, but would still rather walk with lots less clothing on in a warmer place.
The next few days will be cloudy and I don't know if that makes a difference in the amount of exposure I need in order to get un-depressed.

There is a theory about humans that has been discussed for years and years. I don't know who is right, but I think they are on the right track.
It talks about the difference between Hunters and Farmers.
This theory made me think about the human being as an animal.
Many animals have different patterns depending on the season. The most familiar of these patterns is about bears. The bear hibernates during the winter. The rest of the time is spent gorging themselves with food in order to store fat for their long nap every year.
You would think that with all that fur, the bear would be able to party all winter without getting cold.
So, what do human animals do?
Why do we gain weight every winter?
Do we hibernate?
Does our metabolism change with the seasons?
How do humans who always live in warm climates adapt? How do the ones in the cold climates adapt?

The first winter after my surgery, I lost weight and exercised like crazy. I was able to shovel snow and still do other things after I was done.

Last winter, my wife got very sick from her chemotherapy, and I crashed emotionally. I maintained my weight, but stopped doing things that I should in order to continue my weight loss. I didn't gain weight, but I didn't lose weight either.

As this year went on, I didn't go out, even in the warm weather. I stayed inside, either with her at the medical facility, or stayed inside at home. I ate more than I should from the stress (those demons!), and comforted myself with more chocolate than I should.

After she died, and to this day, I am mourning. I am not doing a strict diet, and I am spending way too much time in front of the TV.
My time has been consumed so that 2010 was a bust for me. I can throw it away as far as my plan to lose weight or get into shape.
I am now getting to the point now where I am fighting the demons with renewed energy, and I am hoping they don't have too strong a hold on me. They will let go soon, and go back to being manageable.
I hope.
I wonder what will happen next?

Snow/ice/rain is coming

For years, Central PA was on the borderline between snow and rain. It always seemed that we got the worst of it. The slush is a pain. It freezes and then nothing goes straight.
They cover the roads with some kind of stuff that gets onto the windshield and dries hard as a rock. It makes it very hard to see out of, and it turns the whole world gray.
The good thing about it, is the vehicles look so much better after they are washed. It's like having a new car!
The past few years, we have been getting socked in by real snow. Last winter, we had a few big storms that put down about 4 feet total over a week or so. That was nice for me, but tough on the older neighbors. I also did some real work in order to get out to see my wife at the hospital. It made things much more stressful than it had to be. Parking in Lancaster City is a real pain during the snow.

You all know the story about how the Eskimos have so many different names for all the different kinds of snow. We do too. I just won't say them in public.

I enjoy shoveling the snow, but don't like slush and ice. I use shoveling as one of my workouts. I have a fairly large driveway and it's a challenge to get out there and clear it completely. The sidewalk is easier, but it feels good to me to do the work. I sometimes get the chance to help out the neighbors, which pushes me to the limit. I work at a steady pace and don't get out of breath.
The slush is mostly water and that soaks through clothing and makes me cold. The ice makes it tough to clear away because it is usually very thick and hard to chop. It hangs on the power lines and brings them down. It breaks tree limbs, and small bushes. It clogs up rain gutters and helps to flood the basement.

Tonight and tomorrow, they are calling for the "mixed bag" which starts out as snow and then changes to freezing rain or ice before turning to all rain by tomorrow afternoon. This will probably delay or cancel school. I can use the time off, but I haven't really done anything productive recently, so it will be just another day inside.

I may bundle up and walk in it if it isn't too wet.

I have an audition tomorrow night and they are thinking of delaying it for a week if they cancel because of weather. I can use the extra time to get back up to speed on my bass.
It is tough for me to play bass and sing at the same time. For some reason, I can play the guitar and sing without problems, but the bass throws me. I will practice hard to do both. I know the songs. It's just a matter of getting the playing and singing synchronized.

I have not been able to pick up the stringed instruments for a long time, other than for a few minutes. This is a mental block, not a time restriction. I have all the time in the world here. I could play all night without disturbing anyone. No one is here, and the house is pretty solid, so no one would hear me.
The mental block scares me. It is related to everything I am going through these past few years. It is directly related to my dieting. If I don't conquer it soon, it will ruin all my work. I am getting counseling and hope to be back on track soon.

I do wish I had someone to share life with right now. Writing to my friends by email, and talking on the phone is helping, but there are days that go by where I don't talk to anyone in person. That is very hard on me.
Despite all this, life is still good!